Marriage in jeopardy due to stepkids

amirobi · 01-09-2009, 02:14 AM

I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband has 2 sons fr. his 1st marriage, now 19 & 17. They live with us. This is my 1st marriage & we have 2 kids ( 6 yrs. old & 16 mos. old) & another baby on the way. It has always been tough from the beginning but now they are grown & the younger one hates me. My husband says that I mistreat them because I don't treat them like my own & he always goes back to this every time we argue about them. He calls me selfish & says that he has lost respect for me. The stepkids don't respect me at all & complains that they don't feel welcome in the home. I can understand this at times but it's hard to live with them when they are slobs & lazy & don't offer any help in the house. My husband is no help in the matter. He just tells me that I can't control everyone. I feel that I don't ask for much when all I ask to be done is clean the bathroom & their rooms & wash the dishes. Is that too much to ask? I have been made out to be the bad guy because I don't make the effort to build a relationship w/ them. At this point that has been difficult because they don't respect me so I have no motivation to even try. I am tired most of the time because of the pregnancy & taking care of everyone else & the housework. I'm not happy. I need help on what the next step is.

Gracelove · 01-09-2009, 03:54 AM

At age 17 and 19 they should be in college.

If your husband says he's lost respect for you, that's pretty harsh. And the two of you are going to have another baby?

This sounds like a really bad situation.

I think marriage counseling is in order.

Ya think it would be hard to love kids as your own, if they aren't your own. Although I don't doubt you are capable of loving them.

So when did this whole mess start?

How did you guys go about intergrating his children into your relationship in the beginning?

I know that pregnancy can cause mood swings, do you think that, may be partly why they feel uncomfortable in the house?

Two young men may not know how to deal with such things.

I just think that it's wrong for your husband to be so down on you when you're about to have a baby.
My goodness.

All of the things that your body has to go through to carry a child. And all of the emotions.

You need support most, right now.

I think you guys have to decide to put your marriage first. Where is the mother of the older boys? Can they stay with their mother for a little while,while the two of you work on your marriage.

It seems like a lot of stress. Another baby coming into the picture, there will be 5 children in the household if the older boys stick around.

What about finances? The economy isn't the greatest, could these be stressing your husband out?

Do you work at all?

There are so many things that could be going on. I can't believe your husband called you selfish!

It seems like you really need help.

Is it possible for you to stay with your mother or other family for a while? You don't want to have a break down.

Of course I suggest taking your other two children with you.

Once your husband has to clean his own house, maybe he'll learn to appreciate you a bit more.

You've got to take care of yourself right now. You've got to be selfish, and mark out some time for yourself, now. So you'll be able to take care of your children later.

staircase · 01-09-2009, 05:03 AM

There is a really great book that I would recommend. It's called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." I'm reading it at the moment, for the third time...in preparation for a kids camp that I'll be doing next week. It's a fantastic read and guides parents on effective communication with their children.

nutbrownhare · 01-09-2009, 07:40 AM

This is a really difficult situation. I don't have kids, but I know plenty of people who do, and having boys aged 19 and 17 living at home is very difficult even if they ARE your own.

I suspect that your husband telling you that he doesn't respect you any more and that you're selfish is his way of saying that he feels helpless to control the situation, too. These lads sound like total slobs, but I don't think there's very much you can do about this. If their rooms look as though they could support alien life forms - maybe just leave them. If they get fed up enough, they'll deal with it themselves. Or your husband may step in at that point. When you ask if wanting them to clear up after themselves is too much to ask - it might be, from these particular boys. Don't even try - it will just leave you feeling powerless and frustrated, and won't change the outcome. Try and stay as pleasant and cheerful as you can, though, because then trying to make you out as the bad guy won't exactly carry any weight.

Given that you're feeling exhausted from your pregnancy, would you be able to negotiate with your husband to get a cleaner for communal areas? At any rate, you need to stop running yourself ragged because this won't do anyone any good - least of all you.

amirobi · 01-09-2009, 09:08 PM

One is in college & works part-time, the 17 yr. old is a HS senior. We have a business that has taken more money out of our pockets than into it so yes, finances has always been an issue also. My husband is blaming me for what's happening now. He wants me to love his kids which I believe I did in the beginning but now I just have a lot of resentments. We met in church & I believe myself to be a good christian, but because his son does not want to believe in God, he blames me for that! I may not always have been a good example but I'm not perfect so he can't put this all on me! He says he was also responsible because he allowed us to be together. That's it? He did not put our marriage first that's why this is happening.

High5girl · 01-09-2009, 11:36 PM

If your Husband isn't showing you respect, then how can anyone expect the children to show you any for you? You need your Husband to work with you on this one.

Asking them to clean up after themselves isn't an abnormal request. Yeah, you might be the lady of the house, but you are not a slave or maid to anyone there.

if you are angry with your Husband, try not to take it out on his kids.

I was in a situation like this when I was married, the kids (were about the same ages as your Stepkids) The kids didn't live with us full time, but when they did, they were more than a handful. My then Husband expected me to handle their life style messes, cook for them, clean up after them and when they got into trouble with the police (which was often) I was the one who had to step up and undo everything. I tried everything to get thru to the kids. I did love them, but like you, they did not respect me or my Son.

I would try to talk to your Husband and tell him what you are feeling. It's not about controlling anyone, it's about making things work better in your house. You need him to meet you halfway.

I agree, look into some type of counseling if you can afford it or some books on the matter.
Good luck.

BTW...is their Mother in the picture at all?

amirobi · 01-09-2009, 11:56 PM

The mom is in the picture but I don't like her. She's part of the problem. She used to have them half of the week but she's moved away & they hardly stay w/ her now. It seems to me that she only sees them when it's convenient for her.

amirobi · 01-09-2009, 11:57 PM

Are you divorced now? What is your situation?

optimo · 01-10-2009, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by staircase

There is a really great book that I would recommend. It's called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." I'm reading it at the moment, for the third time...in preparation for a kids camp that I'll be doing next week. It's a fantastic read and guides parents on effective communication with their children.

Good book for anyone who interacts with children/young adults.

High5girl · 01-11-2009, 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amirobi

The mom is in the picture but I don't like her. She's part of the problem. She used to have them half of the week but she's moved away & they hardly stay w/ her now. It seems to me that she only sees them when it's convenient for her.

Hopefully, none of the feelings of dislike are shown to the children or your Husband. That could contribute to the problem.
There's no law that says you have to like her...but if the kids pick up on that. It won't help.

01-09-2009, 02:14 AM	#1
amirobi Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 4	Marriage in jeopardy due to stepkids I have been married for almost 9 years. My husband has 2 sons fr. his 1st marriage, now 19 & 17. They live with us. This is my 1st marriage & we have 2 kids ( 6 yrs. old & 16 mos. old) & another baby on the way. It has always been tough from the beginning but now they are grown & the younger one hates me. My husband says that I mistreat them because I don't treat them like my own & he always goes back to this every time we argue about them. He calls me selfish & says that he has lost respect for me. The stepkids don't respect me at all & complains that they don't feel welcome in the home. I can understand this at times but it's hard to live with them when they are slobs & lazy & don't offer any help in the house. My husband is no help in the matter. He just tells me that I can't control everyone. I feel that I don't ask for much when all I ask to be done is clean the bathroom & their rooms & wash the dishes. Is that too much to ask? I have been made out to be the bad guy because I don't make the effort to build a relationship w/ them. At this point that has been difficult because they don't respect me so I have no motivation to even try. I am tired most of the time because of the pregnancy & taking care of everyone else & the housework. I'm not happy. I need help on what the next step is.

01-09-2009, 05:03 AM	#3
staircase Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 82	There is a really great book that I would recommend. It's called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." I'm reading it at the moment, for the third time...in preparation for a kids camp that I'll be doing next week. It's a fantastic read and guides parents on effective communication with their children. __________________ You don't have to see the whole staircase to take the first step.

01-09-2009, 03:54 AM	#2
Gracelove Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 1,444	At age 17 and 19 they should be in college. If your husband says he's lost respect for you, that's pretty harsh. And the two of you are going to have another baby? This sounds like a really bad situation. I think marriage counseling is in order. Ya think it would be hard to love kids as your own, if they aren't your own. Although I don't doubt you are capable of loving them. So when did this whole mess start? How did you guys go about intergrating his children into your relationship in the beginning? I know that pregnancy can cause mood swings, do you think that, may be partly why they feel uncomfortable in the house? Two young men may not know how to deal with such things. I just think that it's wrong for your husband to be so down on you when you're about to have a baby. My goodness. All of the things that your body has to go through to carry a child. And all of the emotions. You need support most, right now. I think you guys have to decide to put your marriage first. Where is the mother of the older boys? Can they stay with their mother for a little while,while the two of you work on your marriage. It seems like a lot of stress. Another baby coming into the picture, there will be 5 children in the household if the older boys stick around. What about finances? The economy isn't the greatest, could these be stressing your husband out? Do you work at all? There are so many things that could be going on. I can't believe your husband called you selfish! It seems like you really need help. Is it possible for you to stay with your mother or other family for a while? You don't want to have a break down. Of course I suggest taking your other two children with you. Once your husband has to clean his own house, maybe he'll learn to appreciate you a bit more. You've got to take care of yourself right now. You've got to be selfish, and mark out some time for yourself, now. So you'll be able to take care of your children later.

01-09-2009, 07:40 AM	#4
nutbrownhare Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 1,191	This is a really difficult situation. I don't have kids, but I know plenty of people who do, and having boys aged 19 and 17 living at home is very difficult even if they ARE your own. I suspect that your husband telling you that he doesn't respect you any more and that you're selfish is his way of saying that he feels helpless to control the situation, too. These lads sound like total slobs, but I don't think there's very much you can do about this. If their rooms look as though they could support alien life forms - maybe just leave them. If they get fed up enough, they'll deal with it themselves. Or your husband may step in at that point. When you ask if wanting them to clear up after themselves is too much to ask - it might be, from these particular boys. Don't even try - it will just leave you feeling powerless and frustrated, and won't change the outcome. Try and stay as pleasant and cheerful as you can, though, because then trying to make you out as the bad guy won't exactly carry any weight. Given that you're feeling exhausted from your pregnancy, would you be able to negotiate with your husband to get a cleaner for communal areas? At any rate, you need to stop running yourself ragged because this won't do anyone any good - least of all you.

01-09-2009, 09:08 PM	#5
amirobi Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 4	One is in college & works part-time, the 17 yr. old is a HS senior. We have a business that has taken more money out of our pockets than into it so yes, finances has always been an issue also. My husband is blaming me for what's happening now. He wants me to love his kids which I believe I did in the beginning but now I just have a lot of resentments. We met in church & I believe myself to be a good christian, but because his son does not want to believe in God, he blames me for that! I may not always have been a good example but I'm not perfect so he can't put this all on me! He says he was also responsible because he allowed us to be together. That's it? He did not put our marriage first that's why this is happening.

01-09-2009, 11:36 PM	#6
High5girl Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In my happy, but medicated place..Ohio Gender: Female Posts: 240	If your Husband isn't showing you respect, then how can anyone expect the children to show you any for you? You need your Husband to work with you on this one. Asking them to clean up after themselves isn't an abnormal request. Yeah, you might be the lady of the house, but you are not a slave or maid to anyone there. if you are angry with your Husband, try not to take it out on his kids. I was in a situation like this when I was married, the kids (were about the same ages as your Stepkids) The kids didn't live with us full time, but when they did, they were more than a handful. My then Husband expected me to handle their life style messes, cook for them, clean up after them and when they got into trouble with the police (which was often) I was the one who had to step up and undo everything. I tried everything to get thru to the kids. I did love them, but like you, they did not respect me or my Son. I would try to talk to your Husband and tell him what you are feeling. It's not about controlling anyone, it's about making things work better in your house. You need him to meet you halfway. I agree, look into some type of counseling if you can afford it or some books on the matter. Good luck. BTW...is their Mother in the picture at all?

01-09-2009, 11:56 PM	#7
amirobi Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 4	The mom is in the picture but I don't like her. She's part of the problem. She used to have them half of the week but she's moved away & they hardly stay w/ her now. It seems to me that she only sees them when it's convenient for her.

01-09-2009, 11:57 PM	#8
amirobi Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 4	Are you divorced now? What is your situation?