He told me he fell out of love...any success stories about getting back after that is said to you?

dreamer888 · 01-06-2009, 11:19 AM

My boyfriend and I were together for three months, but hung out/dated for a total of 7 1/2 months. He is the one who pursued me VERY HARD in the beginning...and i was reluctant but after about two and a half months we began dating. We both fell in love immediately. I felt like he was meant for me and he felt the same way. However, about 2 months into the relationship we began arguing (he is the type that likes to keep stuff inside and not discuss it...i like to get it out on the table and resolve it as best as i can). So the arguments turned into a few big fights, but we still loved and cared for one another. However, three months after being together, we talked, and he broke it off. But we still hung out every day for a month or so. Then we took a 4 day break and he ended up texting me asking me to come watch a movie. however, the reason we took this 4 days break was because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he knew he could never get those feelings back for me again. I, of course, begged and pleaded and tried to tell him i knew i could make him fall in love with me again and that those feelings don't just fade. He said they had faded over a period of time when we fought and each fight made him love me less and less. I know he still cares about me and i still care about him immensly and love him even. I just don't know what to do.
If someone was truly that in love with you (telling his family and best friend and me he wanted to marry me, making future plans revolving around "us" as a couple, planning vacations...) I know it was only three months, but with this guy...wow, things were different. Right away we just clicked and i felt so unbelievably comfortable with him and still do. I still look to him when i have other problems in life and he's always there.
I just am so confused. I want to be with him SO bad (even though everyone tells me i could do better....but of course I don't think so) and still love him.
Really....I want to know some success stories about people who have been told by their partner that they just don't love them like that anymore and never will be able to...but come back and realize that they made a mistake. And hope would be great...even though i know i SHOULD just let it go...but i just am not ready to walk away from my one true love.

DN · 01-06-2009, 11:26 AM

Well it seems very short relationship to have had so many fights.

Fighting is corrosive - and the more fights the more corrosive because the bad effects of each fight grow exponentially.

What were the fights typically about?

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-06-2009, 11:34 AM

As DN said, fights can really erode a relationship. I will also say that often people who fall "madly in love" very quickly, are also very quick to "fall out of love" because really what they felt was infatuation, not love. People who start making grand future plans of marriage, babies etc in the initial stages of the relationship are often simply caught up in the whirlwind romance of the infatuation stage...when real life and real problems hit, they bolt. The two of you had issues and he "fell out of love" very quickly. Real solid love doesn't end in a whirlwind like that. I would take this as a lesson learned that romantic whirlwinds often end up going poof in a nanosecond. Love that slowly builds over time...relationships that slowly build over time are often the ones that are more grounded.

franfran · 01-06-2009, 11:40 AM

CAD is 100% correct. My bf fell out of love with me too, 2 1/2 months ago. Safe to say, he is gone forever and I don't even care anymore.

You should read the threads I've started from beginning to end... Might help you understand a little bit more.

SighSob · 01-06-2009, 11:45 AM

* * * * people who fall out of love, that's what I learnt from my experience.

dreamer888 · 01-06-2009, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

Well it seems very short relationship to have had so many fights.

Fighting is corrosive - and the more fights the more corrosive because the bad effects of each fight grow exponentially.

What were the fights typically about?

The fights were usually about small, petty things. They mostly stemmed from me being frustrated about school and I guess i'd take my frustration out on him. But, when we would argue and he'd show no emotions that would make everything worse and that is when the fights became bigger and harder to get through. I know the fights were my fault bc i was frustrated, but i just thought he would show some emotion back...and he didn't really...but that is just the kind of person he is...things "don't bother him like they do me" (according to him...)

mijo · 01-06-2009, 12:24 PM

well I guess timewise my relationship was similar to yours... we dated for 3 months but before that we chatted and hung out a lot as friends before he started to pursue me. It was him who did all of the chasing before we got together.

Everything when we were together was amazing we were so happy together he always told me how happy I made him and how he saw our future together, but he used to get annoyed at little things and then never told me about them. Also as we were friends before and he is friends with my housemates often when he came round we would all hang out together, and he later said that when we were alone things were amazing but we never got to spend enough time alone as we always hung out with mates - again he never mentioned it before. In the end one day we had a big argument over the phone (the first we had) and we decided to end things in a "I really like u as a friend too and don't want to completely destroy our relatioship/friendship". He also said that he had thought he could make the transition from friendship to relationship but he couldn't - this came out of nothing after telling me how he saw us being together forever. I said some things I shouldnt have and it ended in him saying it was too late to work things out as I had hurt him (mainly through mentioning his low self esteem/jealousy/insecurity being an issue in the relationship - I know I shouldnt have but I lashed out when I was hurt). This was in mid-november

Anyway we spoke via text regularly afterwards for a week or so, there were occasional digs made by both parties. I managed a week of NC and then failed miserably. Since then we have been in regular contact with texts and Facebook chat etc but nothing was mentioned about trying again (I did text him once v shortly after breaking up that I missed him and it all seemed such a waste but he never replied and this was when I began NC until he text me a week later). The day before Christmas eve he contacted me really upset as an ex-partner of his had given him a bashing (she used to always hassle him) and he spoke to me saying things like "you're so lovely, I'm so sorry if I hurt you" "I can talk to you because you know I have issues with insecurity etc" "You're such an amazing person" then he said "I think we could have been really great together but we were stupid and committed to other things". We left it that we'd be friends and meet for a friendly drink in the new year.

Then comes the day after christmas day and I get texts and phone calls at 3am asking if I am home... "are you awake?x" "I'm near your house I really want to see you, I miss you, I just want a cuddle" etc etc. Luckily I was staying elsewhere so didn't accept the offer. He then text again on New Years Eve at 3am asking if I was still out but I had had so much to drink that my reply made no sense and so nothing happened and we didn't meet up.

Since then we have spoken briefly, I know he is moving house this week etc. I don't know where I stand with him though! I haven't seen him since before we broke up (broke up over the phone), we haven't arranged to meet up (I am considering suggesting a time/place???) and I just don't know what to think anymore!!!

Tell me a bit more about your current situation with your guy... are you still speaking? Are you trying to be friends???

I think given you were friends beforehand then he will come back into your life, but whether he will want more than friendship I don't know - the exact same issue as I have.

DN · 01-06-2009, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreamer888

The fights were usually about small, petty things. They mostly stemmed from me being frustrated about school and I guess i'd take my frustration out on him. But, when we would argue and he'd show no emotions that would make everything worse and that is when the fights became bigger and harder to get through. I know the fights were my fault bc i was frustrated, but i just thought he would show some emotion back...and he didn't really...but that is just the kind of person he is...things "don't bother him like they do me" (according to him...)

The problem is that what is small and petty to one person - isn't to the other.

And remember that just because someone doesn't show emotions it doesn't mean they are not feeling them. I imagine that his emotions were at least irritation at being attacked, frustration at being expected to deal with things that were out of his control and a sense of "why am I tolerating this behaviour when this relationship is only three months old?"

When people are attacked their reactions vary - but two of the most common are to fight back or withdraw and the withdrawal is usually an emotional withdrawal. Eventually that leads to an actual physical withdrawal and that is what happened here.

There are better ways to deal with conflict that fighting.

dreamer888 · 01-06-2009, 01:14 PM

mijo:

Our "relationship" is going nowhere. he won't speak to me, respond to texts...nothing. Last night...i talkedto him for th first time since new year's day. I only talked to him and he only responded to me and talked with me bc of a huge problem i was having and he is literally the ONLY person i could talk to about the problem. But the thing was...he didn't seem enthused to talk to me at all...it was kind of depressing. I tried to sound upbeat and happy...and he was just so lethargic. Which could mean two things...either he doesnt WANT to show excited feelings that we're speaking bc he doesn't want to get my hopes up that things will be ok again...or...as i have mentioned in my other threads...he may be going through a bout of depression right now due to financial issues and as i said...holds his emotions in and doesn't want anyone to see his weaknesses.
I don't know. I still love him so much and always tell him that i will be there for him.
I am wondering if this has become a codependent relationship for me though...because in the beginning...i was not attracted to him that much...in ways i was...but in MORE ways i was not and did NOT want to date him...or really anyone at that moment in my life. But he won me over and won my heart and made me fall so in love with him and I just KNEW he was the guy i wanted to be with for forever. I am just hoping i can succeed with some NC for a long time...and then maybe we can just hang out as friends...and then maybe...just MAYBE...i can show him that i AM still the girl he fell in love with.
BUT, i don't think so...bc in the beginning he told me that i could never be his "perfect" girl again...and he isn't the type to just say things he doesn't mean.
I don't know...i love him and i just hope i can get through this. i know i can eventually....but i'm afraid of how long i am going to be suffering.
I love him and i want him to be happy...i just want it to be with ME though and it KILLS me to know that it will NEVER be with me...that i can't make him happy like i once could just be being NEAR him. I don't know what to do...

And i know what you mean about that NC being so hard and failing. The most i ahve gone is four days without SEEING him...but i still try ot contact him and he seems to find it so easy to just ignore it. i don't get how he can find that so easy to do...But i've just GOT to let him go and focus on myself and finishing up school...

millionaire1 · 01-07-2009, 04:09 PM

wow dreamer888! So much of what you're going through is what I'm going through with my ex. It's so hard for me to let go and move on. Right now we're cool again and doing the friends with benefits thing which is Great! But he hasn't mentioned getting back with me. He just says we can be friends. So we talk occasionally, but not as much as we used to which I miss. I want him to want me and beg to have me back. I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon, and it's driving me nuts! It's hard to believe that he doesn't want me, and miss me.

It's hard for me to accept that he seems to be truly moving on. Especially after he told me when we were together that he never had anyone as good as me. It's like, doesn't he want that back. Isn't he afraid of not finding someone else as good to him as I was? I don't know. This friends with benefits thing is risky too. I know I need to end it soon.

01-06-2009, 11:19 AM	#1
dreamer888 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 38	He told me he fell out of love...any success stories about getting back after that is said to you? My boyfriend and I were together for three months, but hung out/dated for a total of 7 1/2 months. He is the one who pursued me VERY HARD in the beginning...and i was reluctant but after about two and a half months we began dating. We both fell in love immediately. I felt like he was meant for me and he felt the same way. However, about 2 months into the relationship we began arguing (he is the type that likes to keep stuff inside and not discuss it...i like to get it out on the table and resolve it as best as i can). So the arguments turned into a few big fights, but we still loved and cared for one another. However, three months after being together, we talked, and he broke it off. But we still hung out every day for a month or so. Then we took a 4 day break and he ended up texting me asking me to come watch a movie. however, the reason we took this 4 days break was because he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he knew he could never get those feelings back for me again. I, of course, begged and pleaded and tried to tell him i knew i could make him fall in love with me again and that those feelings don't just fade. He said they had faded over a period of time when we fought and each fight made him love me less and less. I know he still cares about me and i still care about him immensly and love him even. I just don't know what to do. If someone was truly that in love with you (telling his family and best friend and me he wanted to marry me, making future plans revolving around "us" as a couple, planning vacations...) I know it was only three months, but with this guy...wow, things were different. Right away we just clicked and i felt so unbelievably comfortable with him and still do. I still look to him when i have other problems in life and he's always there. I just am so confused. I want to be with him SO bad (even though everyone tells me i could do better....but of course I don't think so) and still love him. Really....I want to know some success stories about people who have been told by their partner that they just don't love them like that anymore and never will be able to...but come back and realize that they made a mistake. And hope would be great...even though i know i SHOULD just let it go...but i just am not ready to walk away from my one true love.

01-06-2009, 11:40 AM	#4
franfran Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 490	CAD is 100% correct. My bf fell out of love with me too, 2 1/2 months ago. Safe to say, he is gone forever and I don't even care anymore. You should read the threads I've started from beginning to end... Might help you understand a little bit more. __________________ Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

01-06-2009, 11:26 AM	#2
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	Well it seems very short relationship to have had so many fights. Fighting is corrosive - and the more fights the more corrosive because the bad effects of each fight grow exponentially. What were the fights typically about?

01-06-2009, 11:34 AM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,629	As DN said, fights can really erode a relationship. I will also say that often people who fall "madly in love" very quickly, are also very quick to "fall out of love" because really what they felt was infatuation, not love. People who start making grand future plans of marriage, babies etc in the initial stages of the relationship are often simply caught up in the whirlwind romance of the infatuation stage...when real life and real problems hit, they bolt. The two of you had issues and he "fell out of love" very quickly. Real solid love doesn't end in a whirlwind like that. I would take this as a lesson learned that romantic whirlwinds often end up going poof in a nanosecond. Love that slowly builds over time...relationships that slowly build over time are often the ones that are more grounded.

01-06-2009, 11:45 AM	#5
SighSob Online Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Rome, Italy Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 712	* * * * people who fall out of love, that's what I learnt from my experience.

01-06-2009, 12:24 PM	#7
mijo Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 153	well I guess timewise my relationship was similar to yours... we dated for 3 months but before that we chatted and hung out a lot as friends before he started to pursue me. It was him who did all of the chasing before we got together. Everything when we were together was amazing we were so happy together he always told me how happy I made him and how he saw our future together, but he used to get annoyed at little things and then never told me about them. Also as we were friends before and he is friends with my housemates often when he came round we would all hang out together, and he later said that when we were alone things were amazing but we never got to spend enough time alone as we always hung out with mates - again he never mentioned it before. In the end one day we had a big argument over the phone (the first we had) and we decided to end things in a "I really like u as a friend too and don't want to completely destroy our relatioship/friendship". He also said that he had thought he could make the transition from friendship to relationship but he couldn't - this came out of nothing after telling me how he saw us being together forever. I said some things I shouldnt have and it ended in him saying it was too late to work things out as I had hurt him (mainly through mentioning his low self esteem/jealousy/insecurity being an issue in the relationship - I know I shouldnt have but I lashed out when I was hurt). This was in mid-november Anyway we spoke via text regularly afterwards for a week or so, there were occasional digs made by both parties. I managed a week of NC and then failed miserably. Since then we have been in regular contact with texts and Facebook chat etc but nothing was mentioned about trying again (I did text him once v shortly after breaking up that I missed him and it all seemed such a waste but he never replied and this was when I began NC until he text me a week later). The day before Christmas eve he contacted me really upset as an ex-partner of his had given him a bashing (she used to always hassle him) and he spoke to me saying things like "you're so lovely, I'm so sorry if I hurt you" "I can talk to you because you know I have issues with insecurity etc" "You're such an amazing person" then he said "I think we could have been really great together but we were stupid and committed to other things". We left it that we'd be friends and meet for a friendly drink in the new year. Then comes the day after christmas day and I get texts and phone calls at 3am asking if I am home... "are you awake?x" "I'm near your house I really want to see you, I miss you, I just want a cuddle" etc etc. Luckily I was staying elsewhere so didn't accept the offer. He then text again on New Years Eve at 3am asking if I was still out but I had had so much to drink that my reply made no sense and so nothing happened and we didn't meet up. Since then we have spoken briefly, I know he is moving house this week etc. I don't know where I stand with him though! I haven't seen him since before we broke up (broke up over the phone), we haven't arranged to meet up (I am considering suggesting a time/place???) and I just don't know what to think anymore!!! Tell me a bit more about your current situation with your guy... are you still speaking? Are you trying to be friends??? I think given you were friends beforehand then he will come back into your life, but whether he will want more than friendship I don't know - the exact same issue as I have.

01-06-2009, 01:14 PM	#9
dreamer888 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 38	mijo: Our "relationship" is going nowhere. he won't speak to me, respond to texts...nothing. Last night...i talkedto him for th first time since new year's day. I only talked to him and he only responded to me and talked with me bc of a huge problem i was having and he is literally the ONLY person i could talk to about the problem. But the thing was...he didn't seem enthused to talk to me at all...it was kind of depressing. I tried to sound upbeat and happy...and he was just so lethargic. Which could mean two things...either he doesnt WANT to show excited feelings that we're speaking bc he doesn't want to get my hopes up that things will be ok again...or...as i have mentioned in my other threads...he may be going through a bout of depression right now due to financial issues and as i said...holds his emotions in and doesn't want anyone to see his weaknesses. I don't know. I still love him so much and always tell him that i will be there for him. I am wondering if this has become a codependent relationship for me though...because in the beginning...i was not attracted to him that much...in ways i was...but in MORE ways i was not and did NOT want to date him...or really anyone at that moment in my life. But he won me over and won my heart and made me fall so in love with him and I just KNEW he was the guy i wanted to be with for forever. I am just hoping i can succeed with some NC for a long time...and then maybe we can just hang out as friends...and then maybe...just MAYBE...i can show him that i AM still the girl he fell in love with. BUT, i don't think so...bc in the beginning he told me that i could never be his "perfect" girl again...and he isn't the type to just say things he doesn't mean. I don't know...i love him and i just hope i can get through this. i know i can eventually....but i'm afraid of how long i am going to be suffering. I love him and i want him to be happy...i just want it to be with ME though and it KILLS me to know that it will NEVER be with me...that i can't make him happy like i once could just be being NEAR him. I don't know what to do... And i know what you mean about that NC being so hard and failing. The most i ahve gone is four days without SEEING him...but i still try ot contact him and he seems to find it so easy to just ignore it. i don't get how he can find that so easy to do...But i've just GOT to let him go and focus on myself and finishing up school...

01-07-2009, 04:09 PM	#10
millionaire1 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 38	wow dreamer888! So much of what you're going through is what I'm going through with my ex. It's so hard for me to let go and move on. Right now we're cool again and doing the friends with benefits thing which is Great! But he hasn't mentioned getting back with me. He just says we can be friends. So we talk occasionally, but not as much as we used to which I miss. I want him to want me and beg to have me back. I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon, and it's driving me nuts! It's hard to believe that he doesn't want me, and miss me. It's hard for me to accept that he seems to be truly moving on. Especially after he told me when we were together that he never had anyone as good as me. It's like, doesn't he want that back. Isn't he afraid of not finding someone else as good to him as I was? I don't know. This friends with benefits thing is risky too. I know I need to end it soon.