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Thread: My wife isn't attracted to me anymore

  1. #11
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    Well if I understand everything correctly you guys started dating when you were 21... Maybe she feels a bit resentment because she never really had a chance to date around or enjoy the single life while in her early twenties. She may also feel a bit turned off as you're a stay at home dad...
    I don't know many women who are turned on, while they're out busting their butts and their husbands are taking care of the child and not working...
    Now to be fair, since she hasn't complained about the arrangement, then it probably is deeper, but the stay at home dad thing could be a smaller part of the big picture.
    As I've said you guys were fairly young when you started dating.
    Med school is a lot of work--she may feel stressed out and that you don't really understand her or her job.
    Or she may just feel that she's outgrown the relationship. Generally as people age they're expectations, needs, and feelings may change as well. This means that she may have new expectations when it comes to a mate.
    It could also be that she's met some male med students that she feels she has more in common with than you.
    Honestly the ONLY way I think you can get pass this is through marriage counseling. You also need to ask her why she believes she isn't attracted to you. Is it how you look? The way you act? If she can tell you why she isn't then that will help a lot.
    But counseling is a good idea.
    At this point I think you guys can still save the marriage--as she hasn't cheated or moved on yet.




     


  2. #12
    Member tensox's Avatar
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    She says she doesn't have time,and any issues are on my end,so why should she be involved?

    I really try with her-I do. My friends think I should have left a while ago. A counselor once told me I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Her parents have had talks with me quite a bit, expressing concern about our marriage and how she treats me. I don't think either one of us has been happy for a while

  3. 01-02-2009, 07:41 PM

  4. #13
    Member tensox's Avatar
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    I'm 7 years younger. I understand what you're saying about the at home dad thing, but knowing the situation as well as I do, it would really, really surprise me if that was it. I asked if there was someone else, she insists she just doesn't have the time or energy for anything romantic.

    Yes she busts her butt, but I do as well. This is the hardest job I've ever had.

  5. 01-02-2009, 07:53 PM
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    not really helpful

  6. #14
    Bronze Member real_life_101's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tensox View Post
    I am in my mid-30's, been with my wife for 12 years and have a 4 year old daughter. I have been a stay at home dad since my daughter's birth, a joint decision. I love what I do. My wife recently became a doctor. When we started seeing each other, I worked full time so she could finish her undergrad, and continued to work until the baby, who came in the 3rd year of medical school. I have invested a lot in my family, and made sacrifices along the way, doing everything I could to help my wife fulfill he dream of being an MD. Since my wife started medical school, she has grown more and more distant. We stopped sleeping in the same bed a while ago (at her request, because she's a light sleeper and I toss and/or snore). Most of her interaction with me is negative, the house isn't clean enough, etc. It's not as if it's a mess, it just seems like it has to be like a museum for her. Anyway, New Years and all, I decided to be brave and confront her a bit on it. I asked her why we're not close anymore, why she never sits with me, why she seems to almost cringe when I kiss her now. She said 'I'm not attracted to you anymore'. To her, it seemed like it wasn't a big deal, but to me it broke my heart. After the trend of everything that's happened, I feel like there isn't any hope. I have put on about 30 lbs since we got married, as has she. I've spent the last 4 years on antidepressants to try to help me though all this. I feel so rejected and lonely.
    Go back to working and drop that weight, that should do the trick. Dont take no for an answer from her. Do it become the man she once married...

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  8. #15
    Gold Member blue69's Avatar
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    You have both slowly allowed the intimacy in this relationship to dwindle away. You have to take responsibility for your part in this area of your relationship. (And it sounds like you have) Seems like you are trying and have even been to counseling yourself. You have done the right things. Hard to re-build intimacy if one partner has no interest.

    I personally couldn't continue a relationship as you described. If she has absolutely no interest in continuing then I wouldn't beat my head trying to make it work.

    You need to re-focus on yourself. Start to make a plan of action. How you are going to re-claim your life.

    Good luck.

  9. #16

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    At the risk of seeming self centred I thought I would tell you my story to show that you aren't alone tensox.
    I have a similar predicament.
    A relationship of almost 7 years, we have been married for 7 months of that, no kids. Around the time of our marriage I started a new job which payed better, this was also a change in career path for me and a steep learning curve. The main reason for me seeking a higher wage was because my wife has studied for the last two years and I wanted to give her the best shot at doing well which she is. She hasn't worked much full time during the course of our entire relationship and I have taken care of her through 18 months of back problems also. As with your situation, alot has gone into this relationship and I love her very much.
    Things haven't been great with us lately alot of which I blame on myself for working long hours and at times I haven't been a lot of fun to be around. She just doesn't seem to want to stand by me the way I have stood by her for so long.
    My wife has taken to online dating sites and chatting to other men online. Something I found out by accident. I have confronted her about this. She has told me directly that she is no longer attracted to me due to my weight gain and other reasons she says she will only discuss in the company of a therapist. After several heated discussion over the past week it has been revealed to me that she is having some pretty serious mental health issues. Something I am now once again helping her with emotionally and financially.
    I am also trying to organize couples counseling asap which she has agreed to.
    We have both agreed to try to make it work but I am finding it hard now that trust has been broken. Not to mention feeling like the ugliest man alive after what she has said.
    Someone once told me that women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved. Right now we are both missing out.
    Best of luck with your journey tensox and although I could never fully understand your unique situation, I do feel your pain.

  10. #17
    Member OxygenMD's Avatar
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    As someone who is along the same career path as your wife...

    I take it she's in residency right now...probably working ~80 hours/week?

    Med school is hard enough without a family, I could not even FATHOM doing school with a husband or a child...and residency doesn't exactly get easier.

    I can see where the loss of interest in a family can come from when you have 8,000,000 other things on your mind and barely any time to have to yourself, let alone spend with family...and I definitely can see med school & residency killing any sort of relationship.

    They tell you before you start medical school...break any relationships you have off now because they most likely wont last. Not to say your relationship can't mend, but this may be where this stems from.

    Best of luck.

  11. #18
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    the perils of being a "Nice Guy"

    Unofrtunately, when you give away your life to please someone else, you lose your attractiveness.

    Be the alpha male
    Take control of your own life
    Be masculine
    Take charge
    Be secure
    Don't whine
    Don't beg

    No more Mr. Nice Guy! She won't like the changes at first, but she will admire your machismo!

  12. #19
    Platinum Member Mutley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blue69 View Post
    You have both slowly allowed the intimacy in this relationship to dwindle away. You have to take responsibility for your part in this area of your relationship. (And it sounds like you have) Seems like you are trying and have even been to counseling yourself. You have done the right things. Hard to re-build intimacy if one partner has no interest.

    I personally couldn't continue a relationship as you described. If she has absolutely no interest in continuing then I wouldn't beat my head trying to make it work.

    You need to re-focus on yourself. Start to make a plan of action. How you are going to re-claim your life.

    Good luck.

    This is the best post. It gets to the heart of the matter. Everything else is just speculation.
    "May a diseased yak leave a bar mitzvah gift in your sock drawer."

  13. #20
    Member meinreallife's Avatar
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    Tensox,

    I agree with what a lot of these posts are saying, and I can tell you from my own experience they are right. Until you make yourself number one it really does not matter what your wife does. You will always feel crappy. Smile, throw back your shoulders, excercise, laugh with your child, flirt with a pretty girl, savor each moment of life!

    As on an airplane, "Put your own mask on first!"
    -----------
    Love is sometimes not enough

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