My wife isn't attracted to me anymore

tensox · 01-02-2009, 05:04 PM

I am in my mid-30's, been with my wife for 12 years and have a 4 year old daughter. I have been a stay at home dad since my daughter's birth, a joint decision. I love what I do. My wife recently became a doctor. When we started seeing each other, I worked full time so she could finish her undergrad, and continued to work until the baby, who came in the 3rd year of medical school. I have invested a lot in my family, and made sacrifices along the way, doing everything I could to help my wife fulfill he dream of being an MD. Since my wife started medical school, she has grown more and more distant. We stopped sleeping in the same bed a while ago (at her request, because she's a light sleeper and I toss and/or snore). Most of her interaction with me is negative, the house isn't clean enough, etc. It's not as if it's a mess, it just seems like it has to be like a museum for her. Anyway, New Years and all, I decided to be brave and confront her a bit on it. I asked her why we're not close anymore, why she never sits with me, why she seems to almost cringe when I kiss her now. She said 'I'm not attracted to you anymore'. To her, it seemed like it wasn't a big deal, but to me it broke my heart. After the trend of everything that's happened, I feel like there isn't any hope. I have put on about 30 lbs since we got married, as has she. I've spent the last 4 years on antidepressants to try to help me though all this. I feel so rejected and lonely.

Scorpion Fury · 01-02-2009, 05:11 PM

wow, she just said it all nonchalantly like it didn't matter? that sucks, well did she say why? are you guys working on this?

Will D Ness · 01-02-2009, 05:14 PM

Tough stuff. Thanks for sharing. It's a hard, hard thing to put your life on hold in support of a spouse's dream. To have her reject you this way must be unbearable. I'm so sorry.

I can't tell you what to do or how this will come out but I think if it were me, I'd go down swinging. If you only want out, then get out. But if you think there's a chance to make it work--and I always hope there is--then pull out all the stops and woo her like you've never done before.

All the best, my friend. And good luck.

tensox · 01-02-2009, 05:28 PM

Yes, she was very matter-of-fact. Just an odd moment.

All I can think about is whether I can spend the rest of my life like this. I only get one shot on this crazy planet, and am I being true to myself if I stay?

Scorpion Fury · 01-02-2009, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tensox

Yes, she was very matter-of-fact. Just an odd moment.

All I can think about is whether I can spend the rest of my life like this. I only get one shot on this crazy planet, and am I being true to myself if I stay?

I think she was rude about the way she went about it, but you need to talk to her about it. I don't think you should stay with someone that doesn't want to kiss you or be next to you, but maybe you guys can work this out.

Loki71 · 01-02-2009, 05:37 PM

That happened to me. My ex never said anything till I found out she has having online affairs. You need to start looking into who she is talking to and what she is doing. If things do not change You will end up hurting even more than you are right now. Get her in to some help or it's all over.

COtuner · 01-02-2009, 05:40 PM

Sometimes women don't find the stay at home dad thing to be a turn on when they are in high powered positions. Seen that happen a few times before. May not be the case here - just passing on experience.

DaBladeRoden · 01-02-2009, 06:03 PM

She might have started thinking less of you since she became an MD and you stayed a househusband. Even though you being a househusband helped her become an MD, but who's counting?

tensox · 01-02-2009, 06:06 PM

I asked about marriage counseling each of the last few years and was turned down. My daughter will be starting kidergarten in the fall, and our plan has always been that I'll start working when she goes to school. I don't want to put my needs ahead of my daughter's . I brought up preschool last year and my wife was firmly against it. In fact the only time she seems to be about the job I do parenting. I honestly don't think not having a job outside the home has anything to do with our situation. She was growing apart when I was still working.

COtuner · 01-02-2009, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tensox

I asked about marriage counseling each of the last few years and was turned down. My daughter will be starting kidergarten in the fall, and our plan has always been that I'll start working when she goes to school. I don't want to put my needs ahead of my daughter's . I brought up preschool last year and my wife was firmly against it. In fact the only time she seems to be about the job I do parenting. I honestly don't think not having a job outside the home has anything to do with our situation. She was growing apart when I was still working.

This is kind of weird to me.... meaning your wife's reaction. It's like you're the nanny or something, not the father. How much time does your wife spend with your daughter, what kind of relationship do they have? Do the three of you do things together?

01-02-2009, 05:04 PM	#1
tensox Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Tennessee Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 5	My wife isn't attracted to me anymore I am in my mid-30's, been with my wife for 12 years and have a 4 year old daughter. I have been a stay at home dad since my daughter's birth, a joint decision. I love what I do. My wife recently became a doctor. When we started seeing each other, I worked full time so she could finish her undergrad, and continued to work until the baby, who came in the 3rd year of medical school. I have invested a lot in my family, and made sacrifices along the way, doing everything I could to help my wife fulfill he dream of being an MD. Since my wife started medical school, she has grown more and more distant. We stopped sleeping in the same bed a while ago (at her request, because she's a light sleeper and I toss and/or snore). Most of her interaction with me is negative, the house isn't clean enough, etc. It's not as if it's a mess, it just seems like it has to be like a museum for her. Anyway, New Years and all, I decided to be brave and confront her a bit on it. I asked her why we're not close anymore, why she never sits with me, why she seems to almost cringe when I kiss her now. She said 'I'm not attracted to you anymore'. To her, it seemed like it wasn't a big deal, but to me it broke my heart. After the trend of everything that's happened, I feel like there isn't any hope. I have put on about 30 lbs since we got married, as has she. I've spent the last 4 years on antidepressants to try to help me though all this. I feel so rejected and lonely.

01-02-2009, 05:11 PM	#2
Scorpion Fury Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: The states Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4,525	wow, she just said it all nonchalantly like it didn't matter? that sucks, well did she say why? are you guys working on this? __________________ Your attitude determines your altitude.

01-02-2009, 05:14 PM	#3
Will D Ness Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Southern US Gender: Male Posts: 104	Tough stuff. Thanks for sharing. It's a hard, hard thing to put your life on hold in support of a spouse's dream. To have her reject you this way must be unbearable. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you what to do or how this will come out but I think if it were me, I'd go down swinging. If you only want out, then get out. But if you think there's a chance to make it work--and I always hope there is--then pull out all the stops and woo her like you've never done before. All the best, my friend. And good luck. __________________ “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” - Oscar Wilde

01-02-2009, 05:37 PM	#6
Loki71 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: In a new world reborn. Gender: Male Posts: 1,076	That happened to me. My ex never said anything till I found out she has having online affairs. You need to start looking into who she is talking to and what she is doing. If things do not change You will end up hurting even more than you are right now. Get her in to some help or it's all over. __________________ The family is the fundamental unit of society and the primary setting in which children develop virtue. God has placed families at the center of His eternal plan for the happiness of His children.

01-02-2009, 06:03 PM	#8
DaBladeRoden Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Middle West Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,667	She might have started thinking less of you since she became an MD and you stayed a househusband. Even though you being a househusband helped her become an MD, but who's counting? __________________ DaBladeRoden's Latest Thread: How long is your work commute? http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309122 "Listen to Blade." -dragon lady

01-02-2009, 05:28 PM	#4
tensox Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Tennessee Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 5	Yes, she was very matter-of-fact. Just an odd moment. All I can think about is whether I can spend the rest of my life like this. I only get one shot on this crazy planet, and am I being true to myself if I stay?

01-02-2009, 05:40 PM	#7
COtuner Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 4,102	Sometimes women don't find the stay at home dad thing to be a turn on when they are in high powered positions. Seen that happen a few times before. May not be the case here - just passing on experience.

01-02-2009, 06:06 PM	#9
tensox Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Tennessee Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 5	I asked about marriage counseling each of the last few years and was turned down. My daughter will be starting kidergarten in the fall, and our plan has always been that I'll start working when she goes to school. I don't want to put my needs ahead of my daughter's . I brought up preschool last year and my wife was firmly against it. In fact the only time she seems to be about the job I do parenting. I honestly don't think not having a job outside the home has anything to do with our situation. She was growing apart when I was still working. Last edited by tensox; 01-02-2009 at 06:14 PM.