Parents Hate Girlfriend

rso827tx · 12-31-2008, 03:55 AM

I need help. I'm 20. I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost a year. She is the sweetest, and to top it off beautiful and smart also. We get along great and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I brought her home for a few days to spend time with me and she met my parents. I thought everything was okay - my parents were nice to her and everything throughout the stay. Only until after she left did I realize that my parents, especially my mom, want nothing to do with her.

Some background info: My parents are Asian. My mother is the obsessive, controlling type. She is uptight, fake, judgmental, manipulative, *extremely* stubborn, superficial, etc... She had the nerve to criticize "my taste in women" and went so far as to say that, based on her first impression my girlfriend was unfit and that I could "do better". Her idea of a perfect girlfriend is: tall, lean, med school bound (things she wish she could be), neat freak, and health freak (things that she is). My dad is more rational but he's mostly under her control. He is worried about the fact that my girlfriend will not be continuing a post-secondary education. They are both worried is will somehow "corrupt" me and become an obstacle to my future. They both recounted divorce horror stories where basically the husband gets screwed multiple ways by the nature of American divorce law (they are opposed to me getting to serious at this age - this is a valid point). Apparently they actually lost much sleep over it. Not too surprising - it's in their nature to worry excessively. Overall I thought they were brutally insulting to my girlfriend and this triggered what I believe will be a long-lasting and detrimental argument (to everyone).

I know they are trying to look out for me but their beliefs are so twisted that they really are just making life miserable. They are trying to live my life, and, of course, I can't and won't let them. In fact it seems they are trying to re-live their love-less and materialistic lives through me. That's unacceptable. Obviously, who I date is not for them to decide. I'm 20. In a few years I'll be in grad school w/ some form of scholarship/income and that will be the beginning of my full independence (can't freaking wait).

I am very much in love with my girlfriend and this revelation hurts me but only reinforces my determination to make everything work out with her. The most difficult thing for me right now is deciding how I want to tell her. I already let her know something is up, that I would talk with her about it on a later date. I really want to emphasize the separation of my parent's opinions and my own feeling for her. I believe that she'll be understanding and listen (though she'll be hurt too, poor girl) - actually the most difficult thing is how I'm supposed to deal with this whole mess while building a relationship and being a student in one of the most difficult undergrad engineering programs in the country, and all the other stresses of a young adult. I still must rely on my parents for a year and a half to pay my way through college, but with a psycho-* * * * * mother things are never certain.

Please, any advice or opinions or reassurance would be greatly appreciated. This has been a nightmare.

Nkaleidoscopic · 12-31-2008, 06:01 AM

Hi, been in a similar situation.

In the end you need you respect your parents, take in account their feelings, but ultimately decide your own life.

In my situation, I realized I did not need my parents advice in relationships when my dad admitted that he never loved my mom and she was a rebound. I feel like my romantic choices have been probably 100 times wiser than that.

The worst thing you can do is date or marry someone to spite your parents.

Do whatever YOU want. Don't live your life by someone else's rules and for someone else's satisfaction.

Family is important, but they will not have to deal with your wife daily - you will. So make sure you like her.

LBP · 12-31-2008, 06:05 AM

Realistically, you may not see it through with this girl. Virtually no relationship bears through the long haul. You've already gleaned the important lessons, here - that you are your own man, regardless of who you date or what your parents think of your life choices. I'm just an internet post. I can't interpret your life. But I can guess that these two people have helped shape you into the person you are today. From what you're studying, to your dreams, your hopes for a future and very likely into what you stereotype a 'grown up' person to be. A free thinking human can recognize these influences and develop a personality which, while hopelessly affected, is still his own.

I don't think you're at the point of total disassociation, but you're near enough. You have insight. That will carry you quite far.

HellFrost666 · 12-31-2008, 07:07 AM

I wish I had more time to reply to this... I am on my way out right now. But I know exactly how you feel.

Shyguy24 · 12-31-2008, 10:58 AM

Hey man its your call, but seriously i think you should take things lightly , what i mean is that hey are even serious with this girl. Also you are only 20yrs old. Too young to worry about all this stuff , give it a few years haha. Plus i am Asian too , so i can understand man.

12-31-2008, 03:55 AM	#1
rso827tx Offline Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 2	Parents Hate Girlfriend I need help. I'm 20. I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost a year. She is the sweetest, and to top it off beautiful and smart also. We get along great and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I brought her home for a few days to spend time with me and she met my parents. I thought everything was okay - my parents were nice to her and everything throughout the stay. Only until after she left did I realize that my parents, especially my mom, want nothing to do with her. Some background info: My parents are Asian. My mother is the obsessive, controlling type. She is uptight, fake, judgmental, manipulative, extremely stubborn, superficial, etc... She had the nerve to criticize "my taste in women" and went so far as to say that, based on her first impression my girlfriend was unfit and that I could "do better". Her idea of a perfect girlfriend is: tall, lean, med school bound (things she wish she could be), neat freak, and health freak (things that she is). My dad is more rational but he's mostly under her control. He is worried about the fact that my girlfriend will not be continuing a post-secondary education. They are both worried is will somehow "corrupt" me and become an obstacle to my future. They both recounted divorce horror stories where basically the husband gets screwed multiple ways by the nature of American divorce law (they are opposed to me getting to serious at this age - this is a valid point). Apparently they actually lost much sleep over it. Not too surprising - it's in their nature to worry excessively. Overall I thought they were brutally insulting to my girlfriend and this triggered what I believe will be a long-lasting and detrimental argument (to everyone). I know they are trying to look out for me but their beliefs are so twisted that they really are just making life miserable. They are trying to live my life, and, of course, I can't and won't let them. In fact it seems they are trying to re-live their love-less and materialistic lives through me. That's unacceptable. Obviously, who I date is not for them to decide. I'm 20. In a few years I'll be in grad school w/ some form of scholarship/income and that will be the beginning of my full independence (can't freaking wait). I am very much in love with my girlfriend and this revelation hurts me but only reinforces my determination to make everything work out with her. The most difficult thing for me right now is deciding how I want to tell her. I already let her know something is up, that I would talk with her about it on a later date. I really want to emphasize the separation of my parent's opinions and my own feeling for her. I believe that she'll be understanding and listen (though she'll be hurt too, poor girl) - actually the most difficult thing is how I'm supposed to deal with this whole mess while building a relationship and being a student in one of the most difficult undergrad engineering programs in the country, and all the other stresses of a young adult. I still must rely on my parents for a year and a half to pay my way through college, but with a psycho-* * * * * mother things are never certain. Please, any advice or opinions or reassurance would be greatly appreciated. This has been a nightmare.

12-31-2008, 06:01 AM	#2
Nkaleidoscopic Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: US Posts: 413	Hi, been in a similar situation. In the end you need you respect your parents, take in account their feelings, but ultimately decide your own life. In my situation, I realized I did not need my parents advice in relationships when my dad admitted that he never loved my mom and she was a rebound. I feel like my romantic choices have been probably 100 times wiser than that. The worst thing you can do is date or marry someone to spite your parents. Do whatever YOU want. Don't live your life by someone else's rules and for someone else's satisfaction. Family is important, but they will not have to deal with your wife daily - you will. So make sure you like her. __________________ eNA is my personal therapist.

12-31-2008, 07:07 AM	#4
HellFrost666 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Planet Marclar Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 1,534	I wish I had more time to reply to this... I am on my way out right now. But I know exactly how you feel. __________________ I wish that it might come to pass Not fade like all my dreams Just think of what my life might be In a world like I have seen I dont think I can carry on Carry on this cold and empty life Oh...no! My spirits are low in the depths of despair My lifeblood spills over... Don't worry... the middle 6 is still silent.

12-31-2008, 10:58 AM	#5
Shyguy24 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: u.k Posts: 478	Hey man its your call, but seriously i think you should take things lightly , what i mean is that hey are even serious with this girl. Also you are only 20yrs old. Too young to worry about all this stuff , give it a few years haha. Plus i am Asian too , so i can understand man. __________________ "Sometimes love just aint enough "

12-31-2008, 06:05 AM	#3
LBP Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,643	Realistically, you may not see it through with this girl. Virtually no relationship bears through the long haul. You've already gleaned the important lessons, here - that you are your own man, regardless of who you date or what your parents think of your life choices. I'm just an internet post. I can't interpret your life. But I can guess that these two people have helped shape you into the person you are today. From what you're studying, to your dreams, your hopes for a future and very likely into what you stereotype a 'grown up' person to be. A free thinking human can recognize these influences and develop a personality which, while hopelessly affected, is still his own. I don't think you're at the point of total disassociation, but you're near enough. You have insight. That will carry you quite far.