Being compared to exes and stalker-types

wurth_skidder · 12-30-2008, 02:19 AM

I have been in a relationship for seven months, and I continue to be compared to her exes and stalker-type guys she kinda dated. It's usually in a good way, how I never do things they did. The problem is, I am starting to feel a significant amount of stress from it because when I do something similar to them, regardless of how insignificant, she gets weird toward me.

I'll give an example that will shed some light on what I mean. She is in her junior year of college, and she had finals a few weeks ago. I didn't see her for three weeks because of classes wrapping up and papers being due and then finals. The holidays are an especially difficult time for me due to things that happened in my past around this time, so I was feeling a little more needy, I suppose. Anyway, I ignored all my impulses to ask why she didn't seem to want to see me.

She told me later that she had been worried I would bug her about it and she was glad I didn't even ask her what was going on. I found out that if I had asked, she would have been reminded of her exes giving her the third degree about it and even the stalker-type guys she didn't even really date bugging her about it. She eventually told me without me asking that she just doesn't want to see anyone when she's that stressed, and if I'd bugged her about it, she would have been annoyed by it and made me wait even longer to see her. I feel like if I make one mistake, I get punished for what her exes have done. I wouldn't have even considered this a mistake, though. I think it's reasonable to ask why someone who you're in a serious relationship with seems distant.

Anyway, I am seeking advice on what I should do about this. I have tried really hard throughout our relationship to meet her needs, and I hate feeling like all that effort could be negated by one lousy misstep.

Shadows Light · 12-30-2008, 02:37 AM

You are working too hard on this. By what you've stated here it seem's to me your "GF" is in the driver seat and has put herself in a position of power. Power over you. YOU are walking on egg-shells.

I'd ask myself is all this stress worth it?

It very well may be your "GF" was in a few lousy relationships and has battle scars. However, it also sounds as if she hasn't healed from those relationships. This does not sound like a 50/50 relationship. She is in the driver seat on this one.... you arn't even riding shotgun but relagated to the backseat with the other bozo's she's dated.

You shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells this much in a relationship!!!

Dating should be fun, enjoyable... the best of times... the crem de la crem.... not

wondering if you asked a wrong question at a wrong time. That's just plain silly.

Shadows Light · 12-30-2008, 02:41 AM

My advice to you is to nip this in the bud now. Tell her that you are YOU...not the bum's she's dated. Tell her you don't want to walk on egg-shells or be compared to anyone. Or be held to expectations that are down right "manipulative" and "abusive"... yes, abusive. When someone uses you as a whipping post for other peoples wrongs it is abuse.

The way she is acting is hurting you... so stop it in it's tracks and tell her no more. If she is so scarred from her former relationships... she need not be in a relationship until she gets her head on straight.

wurth_skidder · 12-31-2008, 11:50 AM

I'm seeing her tonight, and I'm wondering if I should bring up what upset me a couple weeks ago, or just wait until it happens again to confront her about it.

12-30-2008, 02:19 AM	#1
wurth_skidder Offline Bronze Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Denver, CO Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 235	Being compared to exes and stalker-types I have been in a relationship for seven months, and I continue to be compared to her exes and stalker-type guys she kinda dated. It's usually in a good way, how I never do things they did. The problem is, I am starting to feel a significant amount of stress from it because when I do something similar to them, regardless of how insignificant, she gets weird toward me. I'll give an example that will shed some light on what I mean. She is in her junior year of college, and she had finals a few weeks ago. I didn't see her for three weeks because of classes wrapping up and papers being due and then finals. The holidays are an especially difficult time for me due to things that happened in my past around this time, so I was feeling a little more needy, I suppose. Anyway, I ignored all my impulses to ask why she didn't seem to want to see me. She told me later that she had been worried I would bug her about it and she was glad I didn't even ask her what was going on. I found out that if I had asked, she would have been reminded of her exes giving her the third degree about it and even the stalker-type guys she didn't even really date bugging her about it. She eventually told me without me asking that she just doesn't want to see anyone when she's that stressed, and if I'd bugged her about it, she would have been annoyed by it and made me wait even longer to see her. I feel like if I make one mistake, I get punished for what her exes have done. I wouldn't have even considered this a mistake, though. I think it's reasonable to ask why someone who you're in a serious relationship with seems distant. Anyway, I am seeking advice on what I should do about this. I have tried really hard throughout our relationship to meet her needs, and I hate feeling like all that effort could be negated by one lousy misstep.

12-30-2008, 02:37 AM	#2
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,561	You are working too hard on this. By what you've stated here it seem's to me your "GF" is in the driver seat and has put herself in a position of power. Power over you. YOU are walking on egg-shells. I'd ask myself is all this stress worth it? It very well may be your "GF" was in a few lousy relationships and has battle scars. However, it also sounds as if she hasn't healed from those relationships. This does not sound like a 50/50 relationship. She is in the driver seat on this one.... you arn't even riding shotgun but relagated to the backseat with the other bozo's she's dated. You shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells this much in a relationship!!! Dating should be fun, enjoyable... the best of times... the crem de la crem.... not wondering if you asked a wrong question at a wrong time. That's just plain silly. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

12-30-2008, 02:41 AM	#3
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,561	My advice to you is to nip this in the bud now. Tell her that you are YOU...not the bum's she's dated. Tell her you don't want to walk on egg-shells or be compared to anyone. Or be held to expectations that are down right "manipulative" and "abusive"... yes, abusive. When someone uses you as a whipping post for other peoples wrongs it is abuse. The way she is acting is hurting you... so stop it in it's tracks and tell her no more. If she is so scarred from her former relationships... she need not be in a relationship until she gets her head on straight. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

12-31-2008, 11:50 AM	#4
wurth_skidder Offline Bronze Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Denver, CO Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 235	I'm seeing her tonight, and I'm wondering if I should bring up what upset me a couple weeks ago, or just wait until it happens again to confront her about it.