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  1. #1
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    How to show someone you've changed when you can't see them.

    My ex and I are talking now after a period of NC. Thing is, we live in different states, so I can never actually do anything with her, like go to dinner. Everyone always says you need to show you've changed through actions, but if she can't see me, how do I prove it? Currently, when we talk, I'm calm, cool, collected. It's fun and friendly, and not too long. I show her I'm interested in what she says, and I don't venture the topic onto our past relationship, unless she goes there first, and even then, I stick to what she brings up.

    Is that enough? What else do I have to do, if anything?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member brando's Avatar
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    Their isn't anything you can do, she needs to see the changes in you, this doesn't mean that if you are physically in her presence she will see the changes, it is much more than just that. You cannot force this into happening. You cannot will it to happen.

    My advice is to go on with your life. You may even find another woman who will se in you what you want your ex too see.
    Forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us. - The Lord's Prayer

  3. #3
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    You misunderstand. I am getting on with my life. I'm not going to wait around for her to change her mind. She's a great girl, and I want her in my life as a friend if I can't have her as a partner. I need to change myself regardless for my next relationship to work. If it's with her, great, if not, fine. I just wanted to know if she'd be able to see my changes later on. if she was thinking of reconciling.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member brando's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you will need to let nature take its course. I do not believe anyone can truly answer this question.
    Forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us. - The Lord's Prayer

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  6. #5
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    Yeah. I was basically just asking if there was a way to show someone you've changed when they can't see you.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member sillygurl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jester1586 View Post
    Everyone always says you need to show you've changed through actions, but if she can't see me, how do I prove it?
    Well, Jester, it depends on what you've changed... Or, better yet, what was it about you that she wanted to be different?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jester1586 View Post
    Currently, when we talk, I'm calm, cool, collected. It's fun and friendly, and not too long. I show her I'm interested in what she says, and I don't venture the topic onto our past relationship, unless she goes there first, and even then, I stick to what she brings up.
    Being calm, cool and collected is perfect if she thought you were too needy & histryionic before. If you spent "too much" time on the phone before, than talking "not too long" is perfect. If her complaint was that you weren't interested enough in her, than it's perfect that you don't talk about yourself and show so much genuine interest in her life. If she complains that you never listened to her, then what you're doing now- being an excellent listener! is sure to bring you both peace. Hope I don't come off like a smart a**, I just really wanted to answer the individual facets of your question.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jester1586 View Post
    Is that enough? What else do I have to do, if anything?
    It seems like you are doing exactly the opposite of what you feel like you want to do- is that for her preservation or yours? What do YOU want? What does SHE want? Is what you are doing working well for you?

    Fill us in, a little more, on the details. I'm currently going through a similar process with my ex, where trying to re-invent our relationship as friends. It may sound weird to some of you out there, but it is a lot better for my healing if I get a chance to have closure in person.


  8. #7
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    Oh, we broke up for none of those issues, or so I think.

    We were in a LDR for over two years, and she got depressed over not seeing me. She couldn't take it anymore even though I was going to be moving there in about another year. I really think she didn't think I was serious about moving, as I'd been hesitant about it before, but I was serious. I was just scared of leaving all my friends and family behind. And there was always the risk of it not working out and then I'd just move back.

    I'm sure there were underlying issues with me. I know I can be inattentive on the phone at times, but nothing she cited. Maybe I should have phrased my original post better?

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