I have a problem with him smoking weed...am I wrong?

[xShadyLadyx]

I've been with my current boyfriend for 6 months but we are very, very close. Most of the aspects of our relationship are great except for when it comes to one thing: pot.

Pot has always made me very nervous. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up and he still is so I have a lot of issues when it comes to substance abuse. When we first started dating, I didn't know my boyfriend smoked weed but he came clean and told me about his past. A couple of years ago, he was a heavy weed smoker. He would get high at least once a day until he reached a point where he had nothing but that. He lost his drive and his motivation and when he realized this, he gave it up cold turkey for almost a year. He started doing it again a year ago but now he only does it 3 times a week. He thinks 3 times a week isn't much at all...to me, that's way too much.

He understands and respects my opinion of smoking weed but in general, he frowns upon people who are anti-weed. He gives me credit because I tried it once and still maintain my stance so at least, according to him, I know what I'm talking about and have the right to say I don't like weed.

But here's the problem...I get really emotional when I think about him getting high. We were together one night when he had some friends over. He asked me once if I would be okay with him going out back to smoke some pot. I said no at first. Then a while later, he asked me a second time. He didn't pressure me, but I felt obligated to say I was fine with it when really I wasn't. I got nervous and while he went out back, I decided to leave. But he got really upset because he was afraid he had messed up really bad. He was afraid he lost me that night.

We had a long talk about it and agreed he wouldn't get high when I was around. He did say that if I asked him to give it up forever, he would. But deep down I know I can't do that for two reasons: 1, he has to give it up for himself and not for me. Eventually, he would grow to resent me for making him give it up. 2, he has explained to me before that he dumped his previous girlfriend because (among other pretty good reasons) she tried to make him promise never to smoke pot. So yeah, for a while he might quit and things would be fine but I feel nervous like eventually, he would either do it behind my back or he would dump me so he could be free to do it again.

A lot of time has passed since that night and since we had our talk. He understands that pot makes me really uncomfortable yet he talks about him and his buddies getting high all the time. It makes me sad because he gets REALLY happy just talking about it. I never see him so happy unless it's pot-related.

And yeah, sometimes I get jealous. Sometimes I think that getting high is more special to him. I get nervous because I fear what kind of damage smoking weed will have on his health and on his brain. It scares me and it makes me really upset. Every time I bring it up, he assures me that he's got it under control, he assures me he'd give it up if I asked him...but then I start to feel like maybe I'm controlling him and I back right off. And the cycle goes on.

I feel like it's getting worse again. Since Thursday, I haven't been able to drive because of the weather so we haven't seen each other since then. All the while, I imagine he's just been taking advantage of this time to get stoned with his friends as much as possible. Even though he makes me happy, deep down I can never shake the feeling that pot is on his mind, that getting high is the only thing that really makes him happy. And I can't compete with that.

I don't know what to do about it. It really is a huge problem for me and I've struggled with it for the last 6 months. It is really eating me up inside and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll push my luck if I talk to him about it again because so far he's been really patient with me about this, but if I bring it up again, if I ask him to cut back or quit all together...I fear the results.

I don't know what to do. I really love him and I would hate to lose him over this.

[waveseer]

If he loves pot more than you then you don't really have him so you can't lose him. Personally I would never play second fiddle, not to another woman and not to a substance.

[coldplay.]

Maybe you should educate yourself about it a little better, it may not be the most healthy habit, but its by far the least damaging of any substance alcoholic included. Its not a 'bad' thing or nefarious in anyway. Just because its illegal doesnt make it wrong.

But some people will never be ok with weed or anything, i have a problem with cigs more than weed, atleast weed isnt addictive and wont kill you.

Anyways done with my rant, its not something you can change about yourself unless well you tried it most likely, ive noticed 'dont knock it till you try it' rings true for weed.

As for him, dont over dramatize it by saying "if he loves you more than weed" thats not the case, he is his own person, you should respect that, if you want him to change, and he doesnt want to change himself, then its not really him your loving, just the idea of him.

[user334]

Oh, my god.

I couldn't even finish reading your entire post, because this is the first time--ever--that someone has echoed my thoughts EXACTLY. It's like listening to myself talk.

Thank you so much for posting this!

I also have a boyfriend who smokes, and I have also tried it, and still maintain my anti-weed stance. I also get really emotional whenever he smokes, and cannot exactly explain it. He's also agreed to never smoke around me, or see me after he smokes.

It still sucks, and makes me uncomfortable knowing he's doing it.

And it's not that I'm uneducated, or that I'm stuck up, or anything like that.

I totally get it, and I just want you to know, I'm so with you.

[ladylol1234]

If you don't want to be with someone who smokes, then you don't have to. There are so many people out there who don't do drugs, who you might be better suited with. If he is putting drugs before you, then he has his priorities all screwed up. Maybe it's time for a talk. If he can't accept the fact that you don't want to be in a drug-free relationship, then he is not the person for you.

[sweetooth]

"Just because its illegal doesnt make it wrong"

That sentence in itself is a contradiction. Just a thought.

[csrc85]

Originally Posted by sweetooth

"Just because its illegal doesnt make it wrong"

That sentence in itself is a contradiction. Just a thought.

it's "wrong" in the sense that our legislative systems have deemed it so. but it is generally harmless. alcohol is, in my opinion anyway, far more damaging than marijuana, and yet it is legal. people have attached this stigma to marijuana - it's wrong, it's bad, it leads to other harder drugs. pop culture has painted this picture of stoners as being lazy, forgetful and dumb. but the fact is that there are many pot smokers, myself included, who are happy, healthy and positive contributors to society. just my two cents on the subject.

with that being said, however, i do understand the OP's worries. you're absolutely not wrong with having a problem with him smoking weed. has it been interfering with your relationship? i know when my boyfriend is high he sometimes takes a bit longer to text or call me back, and that used to bother me a lot... however i brought it up with him and he's been much better since. if it starts interfering with your relationship, or his daily life in general, then i think that it constitutes a real problem. all you can really do is voice your concerns to your boyfriend. if it turns out to be an incompatibility between you, then you either work on it together or go your separate ways. i get that it's a big issue that can be a deal-breaker for some people, but just understand that his pot use does not lessen his feelings for you.

[xShadyLadyx]

I hope this doesn't turn into a debate about whether or not smoking weed is morally wrong etc. That's not what this is about. If I had the same problem only with him drinking to excess instead of smoking weed, I'd be just as anxious about it if not more so.

My problem with him doing it isn't that it makes my idea of him flawed. I do love him very much. But you can love a person and still find it hard to deal with something that they do.

Sometimes, the weed does get in the way. If we have plans but he has been smoking or someone suggests they go get high, he'll find excuses to get out of hanging out with me. He randomly "forgets" when he has or hasn't agreed to hang out with me. When I used to hang out with him after he'd been smoking, it was like he wasn't there at all. Like he didn't even notice I was with him. He was just in a complete daze and I hated seeing him like that.

I don't judge people for what they want to do. I don't think smoking weed makes you a bad person. I just don't like how some people get about it, I don't like how some people obsess over it. And in this case, I don't like how it becomes such a huge part of someone's life. Given my past experiences, I get scared when I see that a substance is sooo important to a person.

All this aside, I do appreciate each and every response. I've found something useful in what everyone has said so far, so really...thank you very much. I really do appreciate it!

[csrc85]

Originally Posted by xShadyLadyx

Sometimes, the weed does get in the way. If we have plans but he has been smoking or someone suggests they go get high, he'll find excuses to get out of hanging out with me. He randomly "forgets" when he has or hasn't agreed to hang out with me. When I used to hang out with him after he'd been smoking, it was like he wasn't there at all. Like he didn't even notice I was with him. He was just in a complete daze and I hated seeing him like that.

yeah, that's definitely not cool. i dunno, some people are able to easily balance weed with other aspects of their lives, and unfortunately others are not.

from what you wrote here though it sounds like he really cares about you and the relationship, despite some of these issues. if this is something that makes you uncomfortable then don't feel guilty sitting him down again. you are not being controlling if it concerns something that affects the well-being of your relationship.

[Stormcrow]

He loves the "high" more than he loves you sadly. The thing about addictions to this sort of substance is that after a good while it becomes the only thing they see as really making them happy. Honestly you need to step back from the relationship and think. Do you want to spend the entire relationship worrying and getting upset about his addiction and his love for it over you, or find someone who actually cares enough to love you with a clear head.