Sexually abused as a child is affecting my relationship now.

heIStheone · 12-17-2008, 02:21 PM

Hello. I am 25 I was sexually abused my a neighbor when I was between 5 and 6. I never talked about it til I was 16 years old and was only in thearpy for a short time. I met my now boyfriend (well ex as of now I guess

) in June of 07. I was coming out of a divorce and we became great friends. There were most def feelings there and we wanted to be together. I was scared * * * * less to move so fast. I started a rebound relationship with a guy I KNEW I would never end up with but it was fun and nothing serious. I wasnt quite honest with my now boyfriend (we were close friends at the time) and it eventually came out. I know had I been up front with him he would have been more willing to accept it. But bc i was scared to lose him I didnt tell him, which ended up making things much worse. We did get through it and started dating in April. Things have def been good but there is still a lot of hurt from what happend prior to us dating. Things have def hit the fan this week, when I saw my exboyfriend (the rebound) and it bothered me SOO Much that because of him, I hurt my boyfriend. I told a friend via text that "i hated that he still had a piece of my heart" what I TRULY HONESTLY meant was because of my abuse, every man takes something from me, becaue my sexual and relationship trust issues were taken from me when I was 5. He saw the text and took it the wrong way, as I still had feelings for him, which I DO NOT. I love my boyfriend and want to spend my life with him. We have a connetion that you dont come across. He knows it, I know it, everyone we know knows it. We are THAT couple. What I am needing is advise on how to handle this, how to make him understand that what I have been through sometiems controls me, without me allowing it to. Its the 5 year old inside of me. Any websites, books, advise that i can give to him to help him understand would be SO much appreciated.

blemished · 12-17-2008, 02:31 PM

I'm sorry for what you went through in the past. But no one, not you, and not your boyfriend, should accept that it "controls" you now. You should seek professional therapy to heal properly from what happened and be free from it affecting your life anymore. It will be hard, but you can do it. Don't make excuses otherwise. Good luck.

heIStheone · 12-17-2008, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blemished

I'm sorry for what you went through in the past. But no one, not you, and not your boyfriend, should accept that it "controls" you now. You should seek professional therapy to heal properly from what happened and be free from it affecting your life anymore. It will be hard, but you can do it. Don't make excuses otherwise. Good luck.

I am seeking therapy. And the last thing I am doing is making excuses.

Lecturer · 12-17-2008, 02:55 PM

The harmful experiences of your childhood seem to have only a very tiny relavence to this issue... the fact that you talk about it at lot in the OP shows that it's a general problem for you, but also that you might be using it as a bit of a crutch/excuse. For that, I must agree with blemished.

This current problem is simply an issue of communication NOW, not dealing with your past trauma (which you should certainly do, but it's unrelated).

If you can't communicate openly with your BF to explain what you MEANT, or he can't trust that you're being honest, I don't think there is anything more you can do.

Try talking to him, without excuses, without exterior things, and just explain things.

Personally, if I were your BF I would not see an issue with it at all. While you describe your words about your past BF "still having a piece of your heart" having something to do with traumatized sexuality, I would have assumed it was a run of the mill "I wish I only ever gave my heart to my current BF, not this past guy". Many people wish they had not been with past partners, as it sometimes feels like a retro-active betrayal to their current partner, and that's what I would have assumed you meant.

heIStheone · 12-17-2008, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lecturer

The harmful experiences of your childhood seem to have only a very tiny relavence to this issue... the fact that you talk about it at lot in the OP shows that it's a general problem for you, but also that you might be using it as a bit of a crutch/excuse. For that, I must agree with blemished.

This current problem is simply an issue of communication NOW, not dealing with your past trauma (which you should certainly do, but it's unrelated).

If you can't communicate openly with your BF to explain what you MEANT, or he can't trust that you're being honest, I don't think there is anything more you can do.

Try talking to him, without excuses, without exterior things, and just explain things.

Personally, if I were your BF I would not see an issue with it at all. While you describe your words about your past BF "still having a piece of your heart" having something to do with traumatized sexuality, I would have assumed it was a run of the mill "I wish I only ever gave my heart to my current BF, not this past guy". Many people wish they had not been with past partners, as it sometimes feels like a retro-active betrayal to their current partner, and that's what I would have assumed you meant.

Ive most def tried to explain exactly what the abuse has done to me as a whole, and in certain situations. He isn't having it. He thinks its all bs. He says he is sympathetic to what I have been through, but I should be in control of my life. Which for the most part I am. Until it comes to relationships, then its a whole other issue.

heIStheone · 12-17-2008, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Victoria66

I know where you are coming from. I was sexually abused as a child as well. It can completely destroy you. I know it is complicated to explain but it does affect how you see every relationship and not just with men. If it has not happened to people they do not understand. You can get to the point where it affects you less and you cope better but there is NO FULL recovery from sexual abuse.You just learn better coping methods. Extensive therapy is needed to take control of your life. Sit your boyfriend down and have a very serious talk about all the ways it affects you. I am here if you need me.

Ive tried taking to him in deep conversation. He calls bull* * * * and says its not relevant to what has happend.

kuiks8 · 12-17-2008, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lecturer

The harmful experiences of your childhood seem to have only a very tiny relavence to this issue... the fact that you talk about it at lot in the OP shows that it's a general problem for you, but also that you might be using it as a bit of a crutch/excuse. For that, I must agree with blemished.

This current problem is simply an issue of communication NOW, not dealing with your past trauma (which you should certainly do, but it's unrelated).

If you can't communicate openly with your BF to explain what you MEANT, or he can't trust that you're being honest, I don't think there is anything more you can do.

Try talking to him, without excuses, without exterior things, and just explain things.

Personally, if I were your BF I would not see an issue with it at all. While you describe your words about your past BF "still having a piece of your heart" having something to do with traumatized sexuality, I would have assumed it was a run of the mill "I wish I only ever gave my heart to my current BF, not this past guy". Many people wish they had not been with past partners, as it sometimes feels like a retro-active betrayal to their current partner, and that's what I would have assumed you meant.

you and i usually agree on sex threads but on this one i TOTALLY disagree with everything you said and have to ask, have you ever been abused? and beyond have you ever been abused as a child?
If your answer is no than i think it is horrible that you would think you were qualified to say that the OP is using the abuse as a crutch or an excuse...when you have been abused as a child it effects EVERYTHING...when someone you were supposed to trust violates you at such a delicate age it screws with your perception of self, others and the world...you can not know the far reaching expanse that abuse covers and you can not know the anguish it can create.

To the OP-i am so sorry for what you have endured, i was also abused as a child and understand the long lasting effects and the far reaching damages that can occur...

I am in a new relationship and have been very upfront with my SO about what happened to me and how i deal with it and since I have spent soo much time working with the abuse i am more able to figure out when i am triggered and have started to recognize my patterns around the abuse and being in relationships.

I would recommend counselling for sure and creating a safe space with your SO where you can be honest about what you have been through, how you are feeling and the ways it effects you.

I have severe trust issues and tend to test the men i date because of the abuse...among other things but my current SO and I have learned a way to work through these things when they come up and it has been very healing...

to those who would write on this thread speaking of excuses and crutches please try to have some compassion and understanding because sexual abuse especially sexual abuse towards children has deep impacts on the people who endure it and you can't know how a person will deal with what has happened to them...

kuiks8 · 12-17-2008, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heIStheone

Ive most def tried to explain exactly what the abuse has done to me as a whole, and in certain situations. He isn't having it. He thinks its all bs. He says he is sympathetic to what I have been through, but I should be in control of my life. Which for the most part I am. Until it comes to relationships, then its a whole other issue.

well then i think you need to look at this relationship and ask yourself if it is the best place for you to be and will you be able to heal and grow in this relationship?
My ex husband was unable to deal with it in any way and it was a constant stressor on our relationship...

heIStheone · 12-17-2008, 06:27 PM

I appreciate all the replies, honestly. This is the first time and most, at 25, I have felt compelled and almost ok with talking about it. I think I used to be ashamed of it. But now I know I did nothing wrong. I didn't chose to have this done to me. And I am trying to take control of it so it doesn't control me any longer. Because like it or not, thats how it has affected me. Does anyone understand or can relate when I say because something was taken from me as a child, by a man, in a sexual/relationship way every man ive come in contact with takes and holds something? Does that sound like a leget thing? I know it might not affect others, but could it be a cause? Because it is most def the biggest hurdle for me.

Lecturer · 12-18-2008, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kuiks8

you and i usually agree on sex threads but on this one i TOTALLY disagree with everything you said and have to ask, have you ever been abused? and beyond have you ever been abused as a child?

I'm sorry you feel that way kuiks. Yes, I was heavily and frequently abused throughout my childhood (by my father), although not sexually. Yes, it indeed affects who we are and how we see things throughout our lives.

Please re-read what I said though... I did not dismiss her traumatic issues. I simply said that I don't think THIS issue is related... not so much because she is using it as an excuse that I don't agree with, but because I don't think she needs to have an excuse at all... I don't think she did anything wrong in the first place.

I also advised her to seek counseling because it is obviously an issue of significance for her even now. It is my opinion that this current conflict caused her to be on the defensive (obviously), and her defense was citing the trauma, which was irrelevant (again, in my opinion). In a way one could argue that it had relevance, but one could also argue that for any and every aspect of any relationship she is in.

I don't think she should be chastised for using the excuse though, I think she should be helped.

12-17-2008, 02:21 PM	#1
heIStheone Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5	Sexually abused as a child is affecting my relationship now. Hello. I am 25 I was sexually abused my a neighbor when I was between 5 and 6. I never talked about it til I was 16 years old and was only in thearpy for a short time. I met my now boyfriend (well ex as of now I guess) in June of 07. I was coming out of a divorce and we became great friends. There were most def feelings there and we wanted to be together. I was scared * * * * less to move so fast. I started a rebound relationship with a guy I KNEW I would never end up with but it was fun and nothing serious. I wasnt quite honest with my now boyfriend (we were close friends at the time) and it eventually came out. I know had I been up front with him he would have been more willing to accept it. But bc i was scared to lose him I didnt tell him, which ended up making things much worse. We did get through it and started dating in April. Things have def been good but there is still a lot of hurt from what happend prior to us dating. Things have def hit the fan this week, when I saw my exboyfriend (the rebound) and it bothered me SOO Much that because of him, I hurt my boyfriend. I told a friend via text that "i hated that he still had a piece of my heart" what I TRULY HONESTLY meant was because of my abuse, every man takes something from me, becaue my sexual and relationship trust issues were taken from me when I was 5. He saw the text and took it the wrong way, as I still had feelings for him, which I DO NOT. I love my boyfriend and want to spend my life with him. We have a connetion that you dont come across. He knows it, I know it, everyone we know knows it. We are THAT couple. What I am needing is advise on how to handle this, how to make him understand that what I have been through sometiems controls me, without me allowing it to. Its the 5 year old inside of me. Any websites, books, advise that i can give to him to help him understand would be SO much appreciated.

12-17-2008, 02:31 PM	#2
blemished Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 223	I'm sorry for what you went through in the past. But no one, not you, and not your boyfriend, should accept that it "controls" you now. You should seek professional therapy to heal properly from what happened and be free from it affecting your life anymore. It will be hard, but you can do it. Don't make excuses otherwise. Good luck.

12-17-2008, 02:55 PM	#4
Lecturer Online Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 441	The harmful experiences of your childhood seem to have only a very tiny relavence to this issue... the fact that you talk about it at lot in the OP shows that it's a general problem for you, but also that you might be using it as a bit of a crutch/excuse. For that, I must agree with blemished. This current problem is simply an issue of communication NOW, not dealing with your past trauma (which you should certainly do, but it's unrelated). If you can't communicate openly with your BF to explain what you MEANT, or he can't trust that you're being honest, I don't think there is anything more you can do. Try talking to him, without excuses, without exterior things, and just explain things. Personally, if I were your BF I would not see an issue with it at all. While you describe your words about your past BF "still having a piece of your heart" having something to do with traumatized sexuality, I would have assumed it was a run of the mill "I wish I only ever gave my heart to my current BF, not this past guy". Many people wish they had not been with past partners, as it sometimes feels like a retro-active betrayal to their current partner, and that's what I would have assumed you meant.

12-17-2008, 06:27 PM	#9
heIStheone Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 5	I appreciate all the replies, honestly. This is the first time and most, at 25, I have felt compelled and almost ok with talking about it. I think I used to be ashamed of it. But now I know I did nothing wrong. I didn't chose to have this done to me. And I am trying to take control of it so it doesn't control me any longer. Because like it or not, thats how it has affected me. Does anyone understand or can relate when I say because something was taken from me as a child, by a man, in a sexual/relationship way every man ive come in contact with takes and holds something? Does that sound like a leget thing? I know it might not affect others, but could it be a cause? Because it is most def the biggest hurdle for me.