psychological question, friend's wife say "no more!" - help!

joshkatz · 12-17-2008, 01:59 PM

Hi,
I have a quick question. My best buddy and me (both straight dudes late 20s) work together, hang out about once a week, etc. We have fun together. His wife forbid him to hang out with me, no communication, or she'd leave him. He's afraid (they have a baby 6 mo. old) and has to follow her direction, or she probably would divorce him.

So this is really hard for me, I feel he should stand up to her and tell her he has a right to have friends. But he isn't doing that. We stopped talking.

Question, will he feel bad over time, like the wife is a witch and I'm not the bad guy she portray's? I'm thinking by her setting this rule, that my buddy will over time resent her and think of her in a negative way, and he'll actually feel sorry for me/toward me because he acted like a fool.

How does this play out when a wife sets these unreasonable rules? What should I do? For now, I'm stayed away as requested.

ghost69 · 12-17-2008, 02:01 PM

sounds like she might have some post partum problems after having the kid. give him some time to stay home with her. he should be anyways.

joshkatz · 12-17-2008, 02:02 PM

he probably should be, but do you think that because the wife set this "rule," that he'll end up resenting it over time?

MollyElise · 12-17-2008, 02:10 PM

Depends, he may realize that he should be spending more time with the family, and appreciate her helping him focus on that priority. She might be overreacting and he starts to feel trapped and resentful.

Even though I can understand the wife's point of view I think it could've been handled in alot nicer way to you. To tell you that you've been banned for no good reason and for your friend to go along with it... well that would really hurt my feelings.

agent · 12-17-2008, 02:18 PM

Maybe having a six month old baby is really stressfull and she wants more help?

How often is she getting to hang out with her friends and have fun?

That said, to me I think there's more to it, who bans a friend or even communication with a friend for no reason? Has she done the same with any of his other friends?

keenan · 12-17-2008, 02:21 PM

Sorry if I'm not remembering right. Isn't this the woman who got upset after you and her husband took a vacation to a completely different city than the one he told her he was visiting?

If so, she probably feels that you're a bad influence on her husband and that she can't trust him when you're around.

alli · 12-17-2008, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keenan

Sorry if I'm not remembering right. Isn't this the woman who got upset after you and her husband took a vacation to a completely different city than the one he told her he was visiting?

If so, she probably feels that you're a bad influence on her husband and that she can't trust him when you're around.

This type of background info really changes the responses you are going to get. If she had no reason for forbading you two from hanging out it would be different. But what do you guys do when you hang out? What are her reasons for not wanting the two of you to hang out?

alli · 12-17-2008, 02:34 PM

I looked through your previous posts on this same topic. You frequently refer to his wife as a witch & a B****. Now, it is understandable you aren't fond of her at this point because she is keeping your best friend from you. But consider if things happened in the reverse order. You decided you didn't like her, and you subtly let your friend know when you guys hang out. Maybe he has a disagreement with his wife & you automatically take his side & tear her down. Then when he gets home, he's all fired up with your thoughts of her & she catches on that every time he hangs out with you, the two of them get in a fight.

I'm not saying I know that happened. It is just a thought. Even if you weren't purposefully tearing her down in front of him, you still expressed your thoughts of her.

They are MARRIED with a new baby. Give them a shot to work it out. Keep your opinions of her to yourself because this is a battle you will not win. Don't make funny faces when she comes up in a conversation & act like you hate her when she is in your presence.

Again, I don't know the situation. I just want you to consider that you MAY have played a role in this situation, and if so then it is within your power to take action & make changes.

joshkatz · 12-17-2008, 03:10 PM

Thanks for your help. I am not going to call/contact my friend as the wife requested. And my buddy is afraid of her, so he's not going to go behind her back and contact me either.

It REALLY does hurt. I actually was a positive influence in their life, but ultimately the wife was jealous.

What hurts is that I can't do a darn thing about it, just lay back and let them do waht they do.

How do I cope with it? What's helping so far, and this sounds REALLY selfish, is that I'm hoping my buddy will realize his wife is unreasonable and mean, and even if we never connect again, will know that I did nothing wrong.

keenan · 12-17-2008, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joshkatz

I actually was a positive influence in their life, but ultimately the wife was jealous.

But...were you the guy I referred to? The story I'm thinking of is that two guys told the wife that they were going to Atlanta or something, but they actually took a trip to New York. The man's wife had just had a baby, and when she found out that he had lied about his whereabouts it was the last straw, and she blamed the friend.

If you're the same guy, were there other incidents like this that inflamed the situation? Maybe you could apologize to your friend's wife and try to earn back her trust slowly. She may be overreacting and you may hate her, but she has a baby to care for and probably really needs to know that she can trust her husband to do right by his new family. If this is the only way to get your friend back, it may be worth eating some humble pie that you don't feel you should be eating.

I'm truly sorry if I have you confused with somebody else. I didn't read your old posts, but your story just seems really familiar.

12-17-2008, 01:59 PM	#1
joshkatz Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 54	psychological question, friend's wife say "no more!" - help! Hi, I have a quick question. My best buddy and me (both straight dudes late 20s) work together, hang out about once a week, etc. We have fun together. His wife forbid him to hang out with me, no communication, or she'd leave him. He's afraid (they have a baby 6 mo. old) and has to follow her direction, or she probably would divorce him. So this is really hard for me, I feel he should stand up to her and tell her he has a right to have friends. But he isn't doing that. We stopped talking. Question, will he feel bad over time, like the wife is a witch and I'm not the bad guy she portray's? I'm thinking by her setting this rule, that my buddy will over time resent her and think of her in a negative way, and he'll actually feel sorry for me/toward me because he acted like a fool. How does this play out when a wife sets these unreasonable rules? What should I do? For now, I'm stayed away as requested.

12-17-2008, 02:01 PM	#2
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,424	sounds like she might have some post partum problems after having the kid. give him some time to stay home with her. he should be anyways. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

12-17-2008, 02:10 PM	#4
MollyElise Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Austin Tx Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 717	Depends, he may realize that he should be spending more time with the family, and appreciate her helping him focus on that priority. She might be overreacting and he starts to feel trapped and resentful. Even though I can understand the wife's point of view I think it could've been handled in alot nicer way to you. To tell you that you've been banned for no good reason and for your friend to go along with it... well that would really hurt my feelings. __________________ "Does no one cry here, either? I suppose there's no need to, in heaven" Age of Innocence

12-17-2008, 02:18 PM	#5
agent Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 3,891	Maybe having a six month old baby is really stressfull and she wants more help? How often is she getting to hang out with her friends and have fun? That said, to me I think there's more to it, who bans a friend or even communication with a friend for no reason? Has she done the same with any of his other friends? __________________ "You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too." - Anais Nin "Come now, don't make such a funeral face. It isn't dying that's sad; it's living when you're not happy." -Octave Mirbeau "Don't be sad, don't be angry, if life deceives you! Submit to your grief; your time for joy will come, believe me." -Aleksandr Pushkin

12-17-2008, 02:02 PM	#3
joshkatz Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 54	he probably should be, but do you think that because the wife set this "rule," that he'll end up resenting it over time?

12-17-2008, 02:21 PM	#6
keenan Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 1,694	Sorry if I'm not remembering right. Isn't this the woman who got upset after you and her husband took a vacation to a completely different city than the one he told her he was visiting? If so, she probably feels that you're a bad influence on her husband and that she can't trust him when you're around.

12-17-2008, 02:34 PM	#8
alli Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 2,359	I looked through your previous posts on this same topic. You frequently refer to his wife as a witch & a B****. Now, it is understandable you aren't fond of her at this point because she is keeping your best friend from you. But consider if things happened in the reverse order. You decided you didn't like her, and you subtly let your friend know when you guys hang out. Maybe he has a disagreement with his wife & you automatically take his side & tear her down. Then when he gets home, he's all fired up with your thoughts of her & she catches on that every time he hangs out with you, the two of them get in a fight. I'm not saying I know that happened. It is just a thought. Even if you weren't purposefully tearing her down in front of him, you still expressed your thoughts of her. They are MARRIED with a new baby. Give them a shot to work it out. Keep your opinions of her to yourself because this is a battle you will not win. Don't make funny faces when she comes up in a conversation & act like you hate her when she is in your presence. Again, I don't know the situation. I just want you to consider that you MAY have played a role in this situation, and if so then it is within your power to take action & make changes.

12-17-2008, 03:10 PM	#9
joshkatz Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 54	Thanks for your help. I am not going to call/contact my friend as the wife requested. And my buddy is afraid of her, so he's not going to go behind her back and contact me either. It REALLY does hurt. I actually was a positive influence in their life, but ultimately the wife was jealous. What hurts is that I can't do a darn thing about it, just lay back and let them do waht they do. How do I cope with it? What's helping so far, and this sounds REALLY selfish, is that I'm hoping my buddy will realize his wife is unreasonable and mean, and even if we never connect again, will know that I did nothing wrong.