Not to sound like a whiny teen, but I feel like my life is unrepairable.

paintedfish · 12-14-2008, 02:14 PM

Im struggling to keep my head above water. I dont want to die, this isnt a suicide post, I just need help really, really bad and I cant afford my therapist anymore.

Okay. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and my family is freaking out and I told my mom I wanted to stay up where Im going to college, and she wants me back home. I need a job to be able to stay up here and Ive been trying, and I made the decision to move into a place with my best friend to cut my rent in half and signed a 13 month lease when I thought I had one. But I dont and its hard to find one here. Thats one problem. I cant go back home and I dont WANT to. My life is up here and my family makes it all worse. But my mind keeps changing. I gave myself a month deadline and if I cant make up my mind I guess Ill move home but that will ruin my roommate.

Another problem is Ive tried dating and I cant do it, I miss my ex of 2 years too much. But I still SLEEP with people. I feel like I owe them my body to make them happy for being there for me. I hate guilt and people seem to know to guilt me and Ill give them anything. I cut, and I carved a huge "sl*t" into my leg, as a scarlet letter, so at least those Im giving myself to know what I am. It hasnt stopped anyone yet. I just keep thinking of him when its happening. I just want someone to stop and say "look we dont have to, let me hold you instead." But I want them to say that every time. I want him back. I hate myself for this. I cant say no to anyone about anything.

I hate that I have to rely on medication for my life to be normal.

I cant make my mind up with school. Im in a great university, but every DAY my mind changes about what I want to do, going from neurosurgeon, to artist, to drug therapist, to who knows what else! Ive had 5 major changes in my 2 years. I cant stick with something, and recently I fell apart too much to study half way through, and I got kicked out of the Honors College, and was on academic probation for a bit. Im not stupid, I just cant focus ever. And nothing is what I want to do. But to survive I need a college degree.

I dont know, Im already depressed and this stuff gets me down so bad. I feel like shutting off and giving up and watching my life fall down around me. For the first time in my life today I actually woke up and forgot where I was and when it came back to me I felt like dying. I need help, advice, anything.

catfeeder · 12-14-2008, 02:42 PM

Dear paintedfish,
I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better.

I need to think about your post for a while.

In your corner.

Anonymous122 · 12-14-2008, 02:43 PM

Take the medicine that they give you, first off. Your life will never stabilize without it. Many people with bi-polar think that it will, but it never does.

Don't worry about changing your major. Many college students change their major. I'm on my last year in college and i've managed to obtain high honors. I changed my major 3 times and put almost no effort in during my Freshman year. Stop trying to prepare yourself for a career and simply enjoy your education.

Risky sexual behavior is an unfortunate event that is attributed to bi-polar disorder. It's not your fault, and I would go as far as to say not to worry about it. Just don't get pregnant! If you think you're having emotional trouble right now, imagine being responsible for your emotions and the emotions of a baby!

Going back to your major... are you familiar with the major "liberal arts?" If not, it's essentially a major where you fulfill general education requirements and then do 96 credits of electives. Alot of people think that selecting that major will result in a fruitless life, but it's not true. One of my best friends has a bachelor's degree in Liberal Arts and is working on a master's degree. He's hoping to become a high school teacher at a private school in line with his own values, which is only one of the thousands of different kinds of jobs you could perform with that major. Instead of preparing you for one specialized career, it prepares you for everything else. You may want to consider such a major. If you did, then you'd be able to take whatever you wanted. There's plenty of time to make a decision about your career, the important thing now is enriching yourself.

Working part time while in college isn't so bad. I work full time (32 hours/wk) and go to college full time. Use your personal time to it's fullest and you'll be alright

paintedfish · 12-14-2008, 02:56 PM

Catfeeder:

Thank you so much for at least reading my post. That means enough, thank you for your encouragement. Im not a bad person.

Anonymous:

I cant stop worrying about my sleeping around, my ex will never take me back if I do and I dont want to end up being 30 with 60+ partners. Im trying to take my medication but I hate it.

The liberal arts thing is a great idea, actually.... I might check into that. Ive never given it much though........ thank you so much....!!!!! You took a load off... I hope this works out. I just want to get out of school with a degree. I used to work 50+ hours a week and go to school 13 credit hours, and it burnt me out.

Thank you for not telling me I should go home, either.

Im not a bad person, I swear Im not, I feel like I almost cant help the decisions I make but thats so stupid to think because if I cant who can??
Im not a sl*t, Im not sleazy and I genuinely care about everyone. I just cant show it and I let this stuff happen and I dont know what to do.

Thank you so much though. Your reply meant the world to me.

IndigoEye · 12-14-2008, 03:25 PM

Ditto catfood. I can't look at this and give out anything of worth at the moment but not ignoring it. Have to eat and take meds. Late doing so.

You don't owe anyone anything in the way that you're viewing it.

Am wondering about childhood, adolescent abuse. (?) If so, there's a way to address such and actually heal. Without drugs.

Do you have any spirituality? If so, this is the time to get a focused connection like never before. That's possible too.

How are your grades in school? Wondering if you're hanging in OK with all this going on inside. That's intense. Just putting out as a possibility, you may have to put school off for however long to get back into a good groove. You could blow your chances in school with all this. You don't want to go home and you're in a do-or-die situation to make things happen. Don't know your situation enough on the school performance front.

Leave it there for now. Have to go for a while. Let me know.

Every bit of this is doable.

paintedfish · 12-14-2008, 04:08 PM

I have no and have never had spirituality. I dont judge those who do, it just doesnt work for me. I may need to put off school but I dont want to lose my health insurance and I dont want to be a failure. I feel trapped in my life, my situation, my past, and my own head.

IndigoEye · 12-14-2008, 04:16 PM

Will you be on later today/ this evening? I need a couple hours as most but will be back.

"I feel trapped in my life, my situation, my past, and my own head." - Understood. This is common for many and can be remedied.

Focus on relaxing and envisioning a true solution, for the moment.

Breathe and clear your head. Then focus on this. It will come.

Anything abnormal about your youth to mention? (Welcomed to PM me if you like.)

paintedfish · 12-14-2008, 04:22 PM

I cant relax my head wont let me
thoughts are spacing in and flying and theyre fire.

theyre eating away at my brain and i feel like theyve sucked away all my tears to cry.
I dont know what to do. I just want someone to take me away.

catfeeder · 12-14-2008, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paintedfish

Catfeeder:

Thank you so much for at least reading my post. That means enough, thank you for your encouragement. Im not a bad person.

Dear paintedfish,
Thinking about your post, and never once did it occur to me to believe you're a bad person. I also agree that you're probably better off not trying to pin yourself to a career path right now. Half the people I know don't work in fields related to their majors, and just about every job has training.

If you can take that kind of pressure out of your cooker, maybe you can also decide that you'll enjoy your college experience and throw yourself into learning for the sake of learning.

What concerns me most is your statements that you hate yourself. That's not something anyone else can decide for you, and it's the single most important fundamental worldview that will stubbornly ruin your ability to know any joy in any experience--boyfriend or no boyfriend.

If you believe you need help in working through self-hatred, you're entitled to access to the therapists at your school. I hope you'll please use them. If you'll work to tackle that one core problem, you'll be amazed at how everything else becomes manageable.

In your corner.

paintedfish · 12-14-2008, 05:19 PM

How can I stop hating myself when my past is so messed up and my future is heading the same way??
Im tired.
Ive seen 2 therapists and my psychiatrist. Nothing helps anymore.

12-14-2008, 02:14 PM	#1
paintedfish Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 419	Not to sound like a whiny teen, but I feel like my life is unrepairable. Im struggling to keep my head above water. I dont want to die, this isnt a suicide post, I just need help really, really bad and I cant afford my therapist anymore. Okay. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and my family is freaking out and I told my mom I wanted to stay up where Im going to college, and she wants me back home. I need a job to be able to stay up here and Ive been trying, and I made the decision to move into a place with my best friend to cut my rent in half and signed a 13 month lease when I thought I had one. But I dont and its hard to find one here. Thats one problem. I cant go back home and I dont WANT to. My life is up here and my family makes it all worse. But my mind keeps changing. I gave myself a month deadline and if I cant make up my mind I guess Ill move home but that will ruin my roommate. Another problem is Ive tried dating and I cant do it, I miss my ex of 2 years too much. But I still SLEEP with people. I feel like I owe them my body to make them happy for being there for me. I hate guilt and people seem to know to guilt me and Ill give them anything. I cut, and I carved a huge "sl*t" into my leg, as a scarlet letter, so at least those Im giving myself to know what I am. It hasnt stopped anyone yet. I just keep thinking of him when its happening. I just want someone to stop and say "look we dont have to, let me hold you instead." But I want them to say that every time. I want him back. I hate myself for this. I cant say no to anyone about anything. I hate that I have to rely on medication for my life to be normal. I cant make my mind up with school. Im in a great university, but every DAY my mind changes about what I want to do, going from neurosurgeon, to artist, to drug therapist, to who knows what else! Ive had 5 major changes in my 2 years. I cant stick with something, and recently I fell apart too much to study half way through, and I got kicked out of the Honors College, and was on academic probation for a bit. Im not stupid, I just cant focus ever. And nothing is what I want to do. But to survive I need a college degree. I dont know, Im already depressed and this stuff gets me down so bad. I feel like shutting off and giving up and watching my life fall down around me. For the first time in my life today I actually woke up and forgot where I was and when it came back to me I felt like dying. I need help, advice, anything. __________________ Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. "I'll sit in my cave with my campfire and my Myspace and grunt." - Lemoncheecak

12-14-2008, 02:56 PM	#4
paintedfish Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 419	Catfeeder: Thank you so much for at least reading my post. That means enough, thank you for your encouragement. Im not a bad person. Anonymous: I cant stop worrying about my sleeping around, my ex will never take me back if I do and I dont want to end up being 30 with 60+ partners. Im trying to take my medication but I hate it. The liberal arts thing is a great idea, actually.... I might check into that. Ive never given it much though........ thank you so much....!!!!! You took a load off... I hope this works out. I just want to get out of school with a degree. I used to work 50+ hours a week and go to school 13 credit hours, and it burnt me out. Thank you for not telling me I should go home, either. Im not a bad person, I swear Im not, I feel like I almost cant help the decisions I make but thats so stupid to think because if I cant who can?? Im not a sl*t, Im not sleazy and I genuinely care about everyone. I just cant show it and I let this stuff happen and I dont know what to do. Thank you so much though. Your reply meant the world to me. __________________ Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. "I'll sit in my cave with my campfire and my Myspace and grunt." - Lemoncheecak

12-14-2008, 04:08 PM	#6
paintedfish Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 419	I have no and have never had spirituality. I dont judge those who do, it just doesnt work for me. I may need to put off school but I dont want to lose my health insurance and I dont want to be a failure. I feel trapped in my life, my situation, my past, and my own head. __________________ Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. "I'll sit in my cave with my campfire and my Myspace and grunt." - Lemoncheecak

12-14-2008, 04:22 PM	#8
paintedfish Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 419	I cant relax my head wont let me thoughts are spacing in and flying and theyre fire. theyre eating away at my brain and i feel like theyve sucked away all my tears to cry. I dont know what to do. I just want someone to take me away. __________________ Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. "I'll sit in my cave with my campfire and my Myspace and grunt." - Lemoncheecak

12-14-2008, 05:19 PM	#10
paintedfish Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 419	How can I stop hating myself when my past is so messed up and my future is heading the same way?? Im tired. Ive seen 2 therapists and my psychiatrist. Nothing helps anymore. __________________ Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. "I'll sit in my cave with my campfire and my Myspace and grunt." - Lemoncheecak

12-14-2008, 02:42 PM	#2
catfeeder Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern New Jersey Gender: Female Posts: 2,558	Dear paintedfish, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better. I need to think about your post for a while. In your corner.

12-14-2008, 02:43 PM	#3
Anonymous122 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 124	Take the medicine that they give you, first off. Your life will never stabilize without it. Many people with bi-polar think that it will, but it never does. Don't worry about changing your major. Many college students change their major. I'm on my last year in college and i've managed to obtain high honors. I changed my major 3 times and put almost no effort in during my Freshman year. Stop trying to prepare yourself for a career and simply enjoy your education. Risky sexual behavior is an unfortunate event that is attributed to bi-polar disorder. It's not your fault, and I would go as far as to say not to worry about it. Just don't get pregnant! If you think you're having emotional trouble right now, imagine being responsible for your emotions and the emotions of a baby! Going back to your major... are you familiar with the major "liberal arts?" If not, it's essentially a major where you fulfill general education requirements and then do 96 credits of electives. Alot of people think that selecting that major will result in a fruitless life, but it's not true. One of my best friends has a bachelor's degree in Liberal Arts and is working on a master's degree. He's hoping to become a high school teacher at a private school in line with his own values, which is only one of the thousands of different kinds of jobs you could perform with that major. Instead of preparing you for one specialized career, it prepares you for everything else. You may want to consider such a major. If you did, then you'd be able to take whatever you wanted. There's plenty of time to make a decision about your career, the important thing now is enriching yourself. Working part time while in college isn't so bad. I work full time (32 hours/wk) and go to college full time. Use your personal time to it's fullest and you'll be alright

12-14-2008, 03:25 PM	#5
IndigoEye Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: US Gender: Male Posts: 293	Ditto catfood. I can't look at this and give out anything of worth at the moment but not ignoring it. Have to eat and take meds. Late doing so. You don't owe anyone anything in the way that you're viewing it. Am wondering about childhood, adolescent abuse. (?) If so, there's a way to address such and actually heal. Without drugs. Do you have any spirituality? If so, this is the time to get a focused connection like never before. That's possible too. How are your grades in school? Wondering if you're hanging in OK with all this going on inside. That's intense. Just putting out as a possibility, you may have to put school off for however long to get back into a good groove. You could blow your chances in school with all this. You don't want to go home and you're in a do-or-die situation to make things happen. Don't know your situation enough on the school performance front. Leave it there for now. Have to go for a while. Let me know. Every bit of this is doable.

12-14-2008, 04:16 PM	#7
IndigoEye Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: US Gender: Male Posts: 293	Will you be on later today/ this evening? I need a couple hours as most but will be back. "I feel trapped in my life, my situation, my past, and my own head." - Understood. This is common for many and can be remedied. Focus on relaxing and envisioning a true solution, for the moment. Breathe and clear your head. Then focus on this. It will come. Anything abnormal about your youth to mention? (Welcomed to PM me if you like.)