mijo Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Hi, There is a guy I know (he is good friends with a couple of my good friends) and he comes out with us on nights out from time to time. He is 31 (I'm 24) and is unbelievably shy, he is comfortable around his friends but he cannot approach girls and says he wouldn't know where to begin with a relationship. I have spoken about it briefly with him and he has told me how he hasn't dated a girl for 6 years and she was his only real girlfriend...I don't know exactly how serious this was, I don't think it was overly serious from what people have said. Anyway I have come to really like this guy and we have loads in common and get on and have a laugh. He will probably be coming out with us over Christmas and I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to approach him? I don't want to scare him off, but also want to make it clear that I like him (I'm quite shy myself sometimes). I have recently broken up with someone but it isn't a rebound thing, I liked this guy before I got with my last boyfriend and the thought of seeing him at Christmas is really getting me through at the moment. If anyone has any thoughts it would be great. Thanks. Link to comment
bostonbruins24 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Obviously if he is shy ,he will have a hard time communicating say if you guys are out at a dance club.You will have to drop HEAVY and I mean HEAVY hints that you are interested in him because he will likely be clueless to your interest otherwise. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I am in the same place as you, we are just a little older. I say, don't rush things, just let them play out as they will. Try to keep the conversation going with him, you can flirt quietly and he will pick up on it. Just be yourself and talk about things going on in your life and try to bring up topics that will get him talking too. Give him a hug hello and goodbye. He will not be in a rush, so you don't need to either. Link to comment
sns256 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I am going to expand on what givinggirl is talking about. Shy guys have a tough time picking up subtle signals. What I do pick up on very quickly is physical contact. I don’t get physical contact with anyone outside of the occasional hand shake. If a girl touches me on the arm, knee, shoulder, hand, anywhere, I am going to notice it big time. It has only happened a couple times in my life, but when it does bells go off in my head. I realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean attraction, but it certainly gets me thinking. Much more than any other signal that they might use. In fact I don’t know many of the other signals. They either don’t happen to me, or I am completely oblivious. I would like to think it is that latter. A hug hello, and a hug goodbye would be huge too, like givinggirl said. Good luck Link to comment
bostonbruins24 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Very true.Touching is a good way to express your interest to a shy guy.It may not be enough though,shy men are insecure and need very obvious signs of interest to get them to act on a possible interest. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 For my situation, it was actually his friends who started initiating things. Having people talk to you about the same person often, makes you start to think more about that person. He might not think that you have any interest, but if his friends start saying, hey I think she is into you, then that would build up his self-esteem. It won't happen overnight, but if you are willing to invest time into this then it will happen. Link to comment
mijo Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 For my situation, it was actually his friends who started initiating things. Having people talk to you about the same person often, makes you start to think more about that person. He might not think that you have any interest, but if his friends start saying, hey I think she is into you, then that would build up his self-esteem. It won't happen overnight, but if you are willing to invest time into this then it will happen. Thanks for the advice guys. A few of my friends have actually said to me that they think we'd be great together so I'm sure a few hints may get dropped to him when it comes round to Christmas. Hopefully not so much that he gets embarrased and scared off! Are there any big no no's that I should stay clear of?? Or just be sure not to come on too strong...I doubt I'd do that anyway! Link to comment
bostonbruins24 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks for the advice guys. A few of my friends have actually said to me that they think we'd be great together so I'm sure a few hints may get dropped to him when it comes round to Christmas. Hopefully not so much that he gets embarrased and scared off! Are there any big no no's that I should stay clear of?? Or just be sure not to come on too strong...I doubt I'd do that anyway!Shy guys need a woman who will come on too strong. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Is that what it is??? The girl needs to throw herself at him and make him give in..bcuz he can't do it? Does he secretly want her to do that, even the extremely shy ones that follow you around and stare instead of talk =) What if he's terrified due to anxiety & inexperience? Is that the answer or should you be more gentle with him? Link to comment
givinggirl Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Is that what it is??? The girl needs to throw herself at him and make him give in..bcuz he can't do it? Does he secretly want her to do that, even the extremely shy ones that follow you around and stare instead of talk =) What if he's terrified due to anxiety & inexperience? Is that the answer or should you be more gentle with him? I don't think so. I think the quiet, gentle approach would be better. I personally think that taking things slow is better. Why jump the guy and make him feel even more uncomfortable? Make him feel comfortable first. In a way it is refreshing that the guy is shy, don't you think? There is more of a build-up of feelings since you take time to get to know each other, not just jumping into the sack and then after it all wears off, you don't even really like who that person turns out to be. I mean, so many guys are into the physical stuff and will say anything and act any way to get it that the girl doesn't really even know the "real" guy, until later and then she doesn't like who he is, especially after she learns that it all was a lie. The respect isn't there. Just my personal experience and I am not trying to generalize all men as one...just the men that I have dated. Link to comment
sns256 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I agree with givinggirl do not throw yourself at a shy guy. It will probably scare the crap out of him. A subtle touch and a good conversation would be much better. If all else fails give him your number. Just say “If you want to do something sometime here is my number.” *gives number on paper*. I know if a girl were to ever “throw” herself at me I would get very anxious. I would more than likely think someone paid her to do it, or she lost a bet. Careful on the compliments too. One would be ok, but any more than that and I would think something is up. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 Thanks for the advice, i think he does need the slow and sweet approach. That is what has been working so far. I am baking cookies and giving him a areally sweet card for Christmas. I think its appropriate and not to overly stimulating Link to comment
sti_2004 Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 touching is good. why dont you take him to get a shot of something then hug up on him and hypnotise him into kissing you before his anxiety rejects you. Link to comment
Aevar Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 If he's shy and you want to get him to notice you, make the first move. He might be totally clueless or even think you're not interested. Link to comment
mijo Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 touching is good. why dont you take him to get a shot of something then hug up on him and hypnotise him into kissing you before his anxiety rejects you. Actually going up to the bar together and getting shots can be quite a good opportunity for flirting. Link to comment
sti_2004 Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 see the top right corner of the my post, it sez 'helpful post', go ahead and click it and write something cool about me. yeah? Link to comment
Dennis619 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 being a shy guy myself, we tend to completely overthin things. He's probably overthinking what he should say to you 10 times worse than you are. I'm not saying throw yourself at him, but it would probably help if you are VERY clear that you like him. Shy guys tend to missinterpret the subtle approach. Link to comment
hmm1 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Whatever you do don't send him "subtle" signals and expect him to get the hint. It won't happen. Not in a million years. If he's as shy as you say he his you're going to almost have to come out and just say you like him before he'll get it. Anything below that and he'll probably spin it in his mind to make it seem like you're making fun of him or you're just being friendly, etc. That's how guys like us think... Link to comment
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