Parents are fighting again...

monkey123 · 12-06-2008, 11:30 PM

They have been yelling at each for a good 2 hours now. They have been together 28 years but they have the worst relationship ever. I am of middle eastern decent, i was born in america and i look like, act like and think like every other american. They are different though, they were both born in Iraq. They got married after 2 weeks of knowing each other, had 4 kids (im the youngest at 19) and now that we are all grown up they have realized that everything they did was for the kids. They dont love each other, i knew they didnt growing up my whole life. It makes me think, maybe because they had such a bad relationship is why I havent been able to have a relationship with a girl. Since my dad is middle eastern, he kind of treats my mom like a middle eastern woman. He goes to work, makes money, while she cleans the house and cooks dinner. They dont have anything in common and they are not willing to change. They r the most stubborn people ever and they have realized now that this relationship has only been because of the kids. My dad wants a divorce, its obvious, and my mom wants to make it work (but he only yells at him and NEVER listens and just makes everything worse), and my dad is so stubborn and he is never wrong in his mind, so he isnt willing ot change. Both are not willing to change. I try to help and they listen to me but they dont change. I feel so bad for both of them, my dad has worked so hard in his life to be successful and he is, and he still isnt happy. My mom also has been such a great mother and does anything for me and my siblings, but my dad never shows her any love. She cries and I know if they got divorced it would just crush me to think about her being alone. I am the only kid of theirs living at home right now so i see it and it just kills me. My parents, the two people who are supposed to show their kids what love is and show them a good relationship have never done that. It really makes sense to me now why i have problems when it comes to relationships with girls. I just dont know how to connect with someone in that way because well.... i never saw my parents connect in that way. I feel like something is missing from me that most other people my age have and that is because love was missing in my parents relationship and i knew it.

I dont know what to do, neither do they. I have only seen my parents kiss once..... i have never heard them say i love to to each other besides tonight, but i didnt feel it was sincere. I have actually never told my parents that i love them... i have never told anybody that i love them. I dont feel comfortable saying those words to anybody. I do love my parents... but i just dont ever want to say it.

catfeeder · 12-07-2008, 01:35 AM

First, I'd stop trying to counsel either parent. In fact, I'd make it a rule that you're available to discuss anything on earth except the other parent. You've become a pressure valve for them to release responsibility for feeling and behaving like parents while you assume responsibility in the household for peacemaking. Ditch that role, and it will help them as much as it helps you.

As for trouble with girls, consider that 99.9 percent of all people have had less than ideal childhoods--you're in great company. However, you're not a child anymore. Your current girl problems may have more to do with where you live and the disharmony that preoccupies you rather than some sort of internal damage that'll be beyond your repair once you're in an environment over which you own control.

You'll have plenty of opportunity to grow your own values and cultivate any kind of relationship you wish to have, but that requires independence. I may have missed this, but did you mention how long you intend to stay living in your parents home?

monkey123 · 12-07-2008, 02:36 AM

i plan on living at home for 1 more term, then im out, transfering to a university. I actually counseled my parents after i made this post, we sat down and talked and i think i really helped. After i talked to them for a couple of hours they stopped yelling, they both agreed they want to change and are going to try to do whatever it takes and they had a good healthy conversation with each other afterwards. I made them both happy and i felt really good about it.

catfeeder · 12-07-2008, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkey123

i plan on living at home for 1 more term, then im out, transfering to a university. I actually counseled my parents after i made this post, we sat down and talked and i think i really helped. After i talked to them for a couple of hours they stopped yelling, they both agreed they want to change and are going to try to do whatever it takes and they had a good healthy conversation with each other afterwards. I made them both happy and i felt really good about it.

This is all wonderful news, Monkey. Maybe you'll want to print out your update and keep it as reminder that everything passes. First, knowing you're moving out shortly should take some pressure out of your cooker. Also, it's great that both your parents will sit with you together--I misunderstood and thought they were both trying to hit you up separately to get you on their side.

Only thing left to address is your concerns about never being taught to demonstrate love. If you look at the contrast between your worst of days and the light of next day when you're feeling great, I think you'll understand that the 'always' and 'never' scenarios we plague ourselves with are rarely accurate. No doubt the right girl for you will suffer no loss of affection from you.

In your corner.

12-06-2008, 11:30 PM	#1
monkey123 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 296	Parents are fighting again... They have been yelling at each for a good 2 hours now. They have been together 28 years but they have the worst relationship ever. I am of middle eastern decent, i was born in america and i look like, act like and think like every other american. They are different though, they were both born in Iraq. They got married after 2 weeks of knowing each other, had 4 kids (im the youngest at 19) and now that we are all grown up they have realized that everything they did was for the kids. They dont love each other, i knew they didnt growing up my whole life. It makes me think, maybe because they had such a bad relationship is why I havent been able to have a relationship with a girl. Since my dad is middle eastern, he kind of treats my mom like a middle eastern woman. He goes to work, makes money, while she cleans the house and cooks dinner. They dont have anything in common and they are not willing to change. They r the most stubborn people ever and they have realized now that this relationship has only been because of the kids. My dad wants a divorce, its obvious, and my mom wants to make it work (but he only yells at him and NEVER listens and just makes everything worse), and my dad is so stubborn and he is never wrong in his mind, so he isnt willing ot change. Both are not willing to change. I try to help and they listen to me but they dont change. I feel so bad for both of them, my dad has worked so hard in his life to be successful and he is, and he still isnt happy. My mom also has been such a great mother and does anything for me and my siblings, but my dad never shows her any love. She cries and I know if they got divorced it would just crush me to think about her being alone. I am the only kid of theirs living at home right now so i see it and it just kills me. My parents, the two people who are supposed to show their kids what love is and show them a good relationship have never done that. It really makes sense to me now why i have problems when it comes to relationships with girls. I just dont know how to connect with someone in that way because well.... i never saw my parents connect in that way. I feel like something is missing from me that most other people my age have and that is because love was missing in my parents relationship and i knew it. I dont know what to do, neither do they. I have only seen my parents kiss once..... i have never heard them say i love to to each other besides tonight, but i didnt feel it was sincere. I have actually never told my parents that i love them... i have never told anybody that i love them. I dont feel comfortable saying those words to anybody. I do love my parents... but i just dont ever want to say it.

12-07-2008, 01:35 AM	#2
catfeeder Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern New Jersey Gender: Female Posts: 2,558	First, I'd stop trying to counsel either parent. In fact, I'd make it a rule that you're available to discuss anything on earth except the other parent. You've become a pressure valve for them to release responsibility for feeling and behaving like parents while you assume responsibility in the household for peacemaking. Ditch that role, and it will help them as much as it helps you. As for trouble with girls, consider that 99.9 percent of all people have had less than ideal childhoods--you're in great company. However, you're not a child anymore. Your current girl problems may have more to do with where you live and the disharmony that preoccupies you rather than some sort of internal damage that'll be beyond your repair once you're in an environment over which you own control. You'll have plenty of opportunity to grow your own values and cultivate any kind of relationship you wish to have, but that requires independence. I may have missed this, but did you mention how long you intend to stay living in your parents home?

12-07-2008, 02:36 AM	#3
monkey123 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 296	i plan on living at home for 1 more term, then im out, transfering to a university. I actually counseled my parents after i made this post, we sat down and talked and i think i really helped. After i talked to them for a couple of hours they stopped yelling, they both agreed they want to change and are going to try to do whatever it takes and they had a good healthy conversation with each other afterwards. I made them both happy and i felt really good about it.