Have I finally become bitter?

[tiredofvampires]

This is what I consider a "personal growth" topic, and so I'm posting it in "Personal Growth" for now. I may switch it to Off Topic though at some point, to field more replies, as I think more people might see it there.

And also because this also deals with the mission of eNA itself.

A thread triggered me the other day -- and in fact even more than the OP, a few of the response posts to it. It seemed as though I, along with a few first posters, had a specific gut reaction to this thread that was then criticized by the next few posters. Here is the thread:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=259300

This brought up a few things for me, and I wonder how much of it is "my problem".

This OP clearly has something beautiful to celebrate in a love relationship, and has come here to announce that. I, of all people, get a "contact high" from other people being happy and joyful about things, it's in my nature. I love weddings and other celebrations. So I don't want to rain on anyone's parade.

However, my reason for coming onto ENA is to find support for the things that cause me grief. One of the things that causes me tremendous grief right now is that I feel I've given everything of myself in my love relationships (as one person told me who is very close to me, "You put EVERYTHING into loving someone, your whole soul"), and what that has brought me is terrible heartache. Sometimes because I made the wrong call, sometimes because I wanted to believe that love could heal anything, even someone else's brutality against me. I'm learning to trust less, which is not something I ever wanted to learn, but what I've learned is that if you love someone, they may not love you back.

And that has been a message throughout my lifetime, starting with childhood.

So, for me, to "let myself love" is not the problem -- the problem is believing I can and will be loved back. And that that will stay, and grow and deepen, that someone will keep loving me back.

When I read this post, my response was to feel a bit patronized by the OP. It would have been fine to just state that she has found the love of her life and wishes everyone else to find that. But then she goes on to say merrily, "Let yourself love, it's the most incredible feeling in the world." Is that something I really need to be told? Do I not know this?

I really am not sure I'm being negative, or just saying, when someone is ill with the stomach flu on Christmas, isn't it really a bit oblivious to say, "MMMMM, I am having a GREAT Christmas dinner, thank you! I wish you were well enough to taste how awesome this meal is!!!!!"

I am all for people getting well on here, and having a new lease on life -- which is happiness and recovery. But for most people here, that's not going to just fall in your lap. So I find posts like, "I'm just so happy, wish you all would be, too!" to kind of....be hard to hear, even if I am glad for them.

Is it just me?

Does this make me bitter?

I've never thought of myself as a bitter person, and I almost never ever hold a grudge. And I do believe in love as before, it's potency and presence in the world. But I also try not to rub my good fortune in where others may be struggling with their misfortune. And if I share a bit of good fortune of mine, I'll try not to present it as some easy primrose path that you can just go out and get.

I've found that a lot of things in life are about LUCK.

And especially with finding a soulmate, I think luck is at play. You can love and honor people and that doesn't guarantee true love is some kind of "decision". Sometimes it takes a little more than that.

And I know the OP was just revelling and saying how she feels, that perhaps that's all it is. And nothing else should be read into it.

But some people here are hurting with loss, so.....

I'm just kind of wondering what others think of a post like this. Whether they find this to be "positive energy" that this place lacks, or whether it's a little out of step with the "sore spots" for a lot of people on a relationship advice site.

And if you're reading this OP, no offense, really. I know your intentions are nothing but good and I congratulate you on your bliss, I sincerely do.

[melrich]

I don't think you are bitter. I think everyone has immediate reactions to some posts and in some moods we blurt them out and in other moods we are more circumspect.

I know for myself that I have reactions to very similar posts that are very different from day to day. Sometimes a poster can just catch you in a bad mood or a negative place.

[JadedStar]

ToV everyone can feel bitter at certain times do to their moods, but it doesn't mean they are bitter people in general. I don't find you to be a bitter person based on your posts. I think that particular post just raked a nerve in you. And honestly, i can see why. I mean this is a forum for people who are mostly having relationship problems so when one perosn posts only to say how fabio life is and not much else, it is easy to see how it might invoke a response such as yours.

I don't slam the OP - i think it is great she felt so wonderful. But i did find her last entry of "just let love in" to be a bit narrow in thinking because many people are willing to let love in but it hasn't happened yet.

Don't stress about it. If there was one piece of advice i could give you based on what i know of you it would be to try to not let that failed relationship test your feelings of worth on your ability to love...what happened is very common when the person in question is perhaps flighty and not able to give in a devoted LONGTERM fashion (him, not you). I think that is what happened with you, and it was not due to you not being loveable or being able to give love. In other words, it wasn't your fault.

[jettison]

If I'm single and not in love, and reading about the pure bliss of newfound love, then it doesn't make me bitter, but it does occasionally make me shrug simply because I know how great that feels. As for marriage and the like, it's double-edged. It makes and breaks people. It lends dreams and dashes them. It fills your heart, and then drains it to the bone. I don't get particularly up or down for anyone's heartache or heart-soaring, but I can smile with someone when they are giddy, and sigh with almost anyone when they are blue.

[CaptainPlanet]

There is nothing wrong with being bitter if that is how you feel. You need to process those thoughts or you will turn into some sort of nutcase with no real feelings or thoughts of your own.

Acting positively all the time when you are in a negative situation is bad. This is different to positive thinking, which is basically just holding out hope and always believing you can improve on things.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hear you. I don't think you have become bitter at all. I understand the point you are making. Certainly many people have been unlucky in love not because THEY didn't know how to love, but because the person they loved didn't know how. I suspect, however, that the OP in that thread did not mean it in a condescending way, just that she was so happy she wanted to spread that happiness around and didn't realize how it could be taken by others.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Originally Posted by Victoria66

Does that mean then happy people should not post?

Happy people should definitely post...in fact I have seen lots of posts from people requesting a happy story of getting back together.

[FloatingAnchor]

Has anyone considered that the OP didn't mean to sound pedagogical and that the last comment was more a reflection of her own struggles with past relationships? ToV, I don't think you are bitter and I don't think your response was uncalled for. I agree with melrich that some posts affect us just based on the mood that we're in at the time. I look at the post and I go, "meh, my problem has nothing to do with not letting love in, but I'm glad it worked out for you."

[JadedStar]

Originally Posted by Victoria66

Does that mean then happy people should not post?

I think they absolutely should post. There will always be someone that perhaps has a nerve hit by a particular thread but that's a gimmie on such a large forum.

I love to read the happy posts, but since i am not a cheerleader by nature i tend to flock to the posts where i can add some advice.....i tend to post where i feel it might be most productive, but i absolutely like to read the good stuff and try to reply when i can.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Originally Posted by ForsakenLove

How do you rationalize spreading happiness in this scenario? Sorry just found it a bit intriguing what you stated from a bit of a philosophical standpoint.

Spreading happiness as in giving homeless a lunch b/c you're happy that you have enough money to afford to eat every day?
Donating to a child in Africa b/c you're happy that you've had a happy childhood and want to spread that around?

Spreading happiness in the sense of happy stories make people feel good. Spreding happiness is not simply about giving money or a meal or toys or whatever...it is also about simple things like making someone smile. My dog spreads happiness around without giving anything tangible...his simple goofiness has people walking away with a smile..that's spreading happiness.