Never done this before, need advice

[Raistlin]

Over the last 8 months, since my break up with my ex, I've had A LOT of time to sit back and think about who I am, who I've been, and who I want to be. I reached a big conclusion recently, which is why I'm posting: I need help.

I've been in touch with that same ex, and talking to her made me realize that as much as she's been wanting to change herself, she hasn't. That got the ball rolling, and made me realize that I have changed quite a bit for the better, but I've reached a stand-still.

A little background: I have been depressed and suicidal for over 9 years. I have committed many forms of self injury over the years, and not all physical. It's become routine to mentally torture myself, and starve myself when I feel the need to be punished... which is very often.

I have never seen a doctor or told anyone until very recently... except that ex. She made the problems worse when we were together because she fed off of my insecurities. When I'd try to talk to her about a problem, she'd ignore me.

Yesterday, I was moping around because, yet again, my ex made me feel worthless. My cousin called, and I told him how I've been feeling lately, and he urged me to step up and talk to my mom. So I did. I told my mom about my problems (kinda) and I feel like I got my feet wet.

So now, my problem is this: I've opened the door and started talking about what my past has been like and admitted I need help. What do I do now? What is reasonable to expect from my mom/parents in terms of support? Is it OK for me to see a psychiatrist or should I try to talk it out (even though this helps, it hasn't fixed anything in the past - the talking). I'm really, really scared to admit any of this to anyone, because I've never done it and don't know what to expect.

If anyone could lend me some advice, I'd really appreciate it.

[whes]

Why didn't seeing someone help before? You say you've just started to open the doors and start to talk, so before, when you spoke to a professional, did you tell the whole truth of it? The thing about getting therapy is that you have to be committed to it, or it probably won't be effective. If you are holding things back or are not willing to deal with all aspects of your problems, then therapy is not for you.

The thing about a professional psychiatrist or psychologist, is that it is their job to help you out, to be your support, and to guide you through your problems. It is totally OK to see a psychiatrist, and if you are willing to be open and honest with them it can be an incredible help. I went to a psychologist when I was younger for depression/extreme shyness, and I am a much stronger person for it.

I'm really glad that you're able to admit you need help. Cliché as it is, that's the first step. It really is. First step of hundreds, however many it takes. I know it's scary, but think about this: how far would you go and how much would you give to be a strong, secure person?

[Raistlin]

I've only seen 1 counselor and I didn't like her, so I wasn't completely truthful. I stopped seeing her immediately, but I didn't have the guts to repeat the process and try again, so it didn't get me anywhere. Also, I knew I needed some level of help, but I still wasn't admitting to myself what the full scope of the problem was.

Now, I'd be willing to put it all on the line. Everything. I'd do anything it took to overcome myself and become a stronger person. I can't be mentally abusive to myself anymore, or I will end up destroying myself so thoroughly that the Staveandor that everyone has come to know and love in my life will be gone forever, and will be replaced with an incoherent... thing because I've gone insane from the pressure of it all. (Yes, this is how I really feel).

I've admitted that I need help, but I'm afraid to attempt to find a psychiatrist. I don't know how or what resources I need to find/contact to do it. I also wont have insurance until January because I'm on probation with my job still (new hire).

Also, there's a part of me that's terrified that my psych will tell me I need to be admitted to a mental institution for a period of time. It's an unreasonable fear, but at the same time, it seems like a realistic possibility because I have been so destructive in the past. Am I just being paranoid?

[whes]

i cannot tell you whether or not you'd be recommended to an institution, but if a psychiatrist feels that your need is strong enough to go to one, why not take the opportunity? They are also there to help you, and once you are out of the danger zone, you are released. Talk to your doctor about recommending a psychiatrist. Be very clear with the doctor as well what you need. And don't be afraid if it doesn't work out with the first person you go to, because some people's personalities/style just won't match yours.

[Raistlin]

I don't have a primary care physician. I haven't seen a doctor in... about 8 years or so, minus when I had a throat infection last year.

Are there other resources I can use other than a doc to get me started? I can't see one until January at the earliest. That's when I'll have medical insurance.

[whes]

Do you know if there are any support groups in your area you could join? A group can be another tremendous resource and support, and just knowing that there are others going through the same thing can be helpful.

I'm not sure... I went to the university counseling services. check the yellow pages. Or, if you know anyone who's been in therapy, could they recommend you to someone? Usually if you call a psychiatrist or psychologist, you go in for a meeting to see if you two will be a match. Other than that, I'm not sure. You could also call a medical clinic to see if they have a psychiatrist they regularly recommend.