Making changes to improve my life, but why am I so depressed?

BreakingFree · 11-30-2008, 11:20 PM

Lately, I've sunk into a downward emotional spiral. I should be happy with my life right now and the changes I've made to improve it, but I'm not.

I broke up with my boyfriend. I was crazy in love with him. He treated me like dirt. I didn't want to keep loving someone when my love was repaid with hurtful verbal attacks. Now we talk on the phone about once every few months. But the relationship is over. I still care about him

but I know things will never work and that's making it easier to get over him. Because of him and my ex before him I don't want to date, be in a relationship, or get married...ever.

Within the past 6 months I've gotten into graduate school and I have a free ride because I have a fellowship. But I hate it all and I've lost interest in school. I was led to believe the program was very flexible about what I could study. But it's not. I was in the work force for a few years before grad school, but then I found out I would never make a decent living with a bachelors degree in my major. well I decided to go back to school. but now I don't remember any of the material I learned as an undergrad! This puts me at a disadvantage to the new 21 year old students who were in undergrad classes last year and the material is still fresh in their minds. I have 2 tutors and my grades are still bad. I'm frustrated, scared of being kicked out, feel really stupid, and I don't know if this program is right for me. The school environment is also cold and distant. When I say "hello" to people in my classes or in my program 9 times out of 10 I get a blank stare or I'm completely ignored.

I feel isolated but I also feel like I don't want to make friends anyway.

I ended a 7 year friendship with 2 of my good friends when I have *very few * friends. One was very jealous of me and she would refuse to talk to me for months if she found something to be jealous about. I tried to hide my good news from her but then she would find something else absolutely crazy to be jealous about.
My other friend stopped talking to me because she hated my ex and because I wouldn't break up with him. I would've been touched by this if I hadn't been there for her when she was in relationships with a physically abusive guy, a chronic cheater/compulsive liar, a couple guys who emotionally manipulated her and isolated her from her friends, and guys who used her for sex even though she swore it was love. When me or anyone else gave her advice on these guys, she ignored us and stayed with these jerks. I wasn't happy but I didn't stop speaking to her and I was there for her when these relationships ended! I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life and when I broke up with the last one she wasn't there for me! She only spread the news to my jealous friend (who called me to get info

) and turned her attention back to the current "love of her life". With friends like these...

Why am I so unhappy when cutting off these negative people and going back to school should make me happy?At this point in my life I don't trust anyone anymore. I wonder what's the point of trying to be good, loving, and caring when people stomp on the idea or take advantage of this?? I don't want to be in a school I hate to do work I hate to help people when all I see are people I don't want to help. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel confused and alone. My parents try to encourage me, but that's not enough anymore. My motivation to press on is gone. Has anyone felt like any changes in life look good on paper, but in reality it feels like hell? How did you cope?

I apologize for such a long post. Its my first post and I had a lot to get off my chest.

Beaker5 · 11-30-2008, 11:54 PM

Hi BreakingFree,
I'm sorry you're not enjoying grad school. I'm in the process of sending in my applications right now and I also have doubts about whether this will make me happy. I wonder if I'm choosing the right field and if I'll be able to make it through grad school. I doubt my passion sometimes which is the worst thing for me because that's the ultimate thing that keeps me going. If I lose that I lose everything.
Look, if the reason why you chose that major in undergrad is because you enjoy it, then maybe you're just losing sight of your passion because of the lack of support from friends and because you're hurt by your previous relationship. Maybe you should try rekindling your passion for your schoolwork by watching movies, documentaries, etc.. What are you studying by the way?

faolanblood · 12-01-2008, 01:18 AM

Breaking free,
AHHH
Well that wsa lot to take in. In away I can understand were you are coming from not to long ago ( and some times even now for a few hours) I was at the same point or well some thing similar any way.

I had everything that i thought I wanted and needed...great job....going to college...flying back home every onther week end. ( I was living on Oahu going to school from Kauai) I am living in Hawaii the hole thing. You ge tth perks of the city during the week and then the beauty of the Islands on the weekends.

grad high school early not even paying for college finally on my own...what most poeple thrive for and not all get you know and I was miserable. I was making great grades to I just didn't get it. It got to a point were I didn't want to live very often it was so bad.

I tried church....Video games....exspressive writting ..got into photograpy even took a second job just trying to figure out what I was missing you know.

It got to a point shortly after I got mairred in June were I reailized I was living my life yeah but not the way that I wanted to I was doing what had been exspected of me from other people.

I sat down and looked at everything I have and how far I have come and in an odd way I just smiled. I have everything I need and want with out fancy degrees and years of schooling with out being what some one else wanted me to be. More so I sat down and thought about what I want and it is nothing compared to what other had wanted for me. And I was happy with that and still am.

I looked at what I valued and what matters most to me in lfe and it is simple. I want to be a good wife, and one day Mother.

Life is hard some times cruel...but you got to keep your chin up and take time to think it through some times.

as far as friends go. I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand. and that is enough for me. You need some one who is going to be there for you know matter what Who will not judge you but who loves and acepts you jsut for you with out any thing else. they should be your friend because of you now who you are with and you to them as well.

Dating wise the right guy will come a long some time. Often when you are not even looking.If you had asked me a year ago if I would be married I would have said no way. However seven months in to it and our relationship is better then I ever imagined. My husband loves me for who I am....I am not perfect but he always tells me he is glad that I am not. No one is you have to look past it and be willing to work with the person.

OPEN COMMUNICATION in ANY TYPE of a RELATIONSHIP is KEY.....honestly it makes for the best ones. Also it helps them last. ANd is a lot healthier.

With any relation ship there is ups and down good days bad days some times off days. You get through them. COMMITMENT is a willlingless to work through it and a promiss to always try it takes to people to make a relationship and one person to break it.

One day I am sure you will change your mind and wnat to get hitched....it is beautiful really.

Well I am rambling so I will stop for now good luck though
.

BreakingFree · 12-02-2008, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beaker5

Hi BreakingFree,
I'm sorry you're not enjoying grad school. I'm in the process of sending in my applications right now and I also have doubts about whether this will make me happy. I wonder if I'm choosing the right field and if I'll be able to make it through grad school. I doubt my passion sometimes which is the worst thing for me because that's the ultimate thing that keeps me going. If I lose that I lose everything.
Look, if the reason why you chose that major in undergrad is because you enjoy it, then maybe you're just losing sight of your passion because of the lack of support from friends and because you're hurt by your previous relationship. Maybe you should try rekindling your passion for your schoolwork by watching movies, documentaries, etc.. What are you studying by the way?

I liked my environmental biology major in undergrad but my grad program is molecular biology. The school says their program is a general biology program and I can study environmental science. But once I got in I found out they aren't flexible at all. A classmate told me a lot of schools say that to get people in the door. I wish I could've majored in something else. But I don't want to start undergrad over again. I really hope your grad school experience is good. Good luck and make sure the program you choose is what it appears to be.

BreakingFree · 12-02-2008, 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by faolanblood

grad high school early not even paying for college finally on my own...what most poeple thrive for and not all get you know and I was miserable. I was making great grades to I just didn't get it. It got to a point were I didn't want to live very often it was so bad.

It got to a point shortly after I got mairred in June were I reailized I was living my life yeah but not the way that I wanted to I was doing what had been exspected of me from other people.

I looked at what I valued and what matters most to me in lfe and it is simple. I want to be a good wife, and one day Mother.

Life is hard some times cruel...but you got to keep your chin up and take time to think it through some times.

Dating wise the right guy will come a long some time. Often when you are not even looking.If you had asked me a year ago if I would be married I would have said no way. However seven months in to it and our relationship is better then I ever imagined. My husband loves me for who I am....I am not perfect but he always tells me he is glad that I am not. No one is you have to look past it and be willing to work with the person.

.

I feel that way now. I should be happy but I'm depressed. In undergrad I planned what I was going to do in life and so far I've been very unhappy with my planned path. Things never went the way I thought they would. I wanted to be married, earning decent pay at a job i liked, have great friends, have a home of my own, and to be happy. I've seen a lot of people in my graduating class get that. I never did. I'm wondering where did I go wrong with my life. I feel like a failure. My former friends used to tell me how pretty, talented, ambitious, and smart I am. This is what they saw from the outside. But I felt like they didn't see the reality. I struggle with trying not to have low self esteem, having a hobby doesn't make me talented, I'm not ambitious anymore because I lost the will to go on in school, I'm not doing good in my classes. They didn't understand how miserable I am. In fact they couldn't understand that I could actually be depressed. They expected me to be happy and they seemed to trivialize my depression or trivialize the things that really upset me. I'm glad these people aren't a part of my life anymore. You're right about what I should look for in a friend. These qualities only show up with time and I don't know if I'm trusting enough of other people to wait around.
I dont know if I'll change my mind about marriage. It'll take a miracle. I don't doubt love is out there. I have no doubt that you're in love. But I have a hard time believing that love is out there for me

11-30-2008, 11:20 PM	#1
BreakingFree Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 5	Making changes to improve my life, but why am I so depressed? Lately, I've sunk into a downward emotional spiral. I should be happy with my life right now and the changes I've made to improve it, but I'm not. I broke up with my boyfriend. I was crazy in love with him. He treated me like dirt. I didn't want to keep loving someone when my love was repaid with hurtful verbal attacks. Now we talk on the phone about once every few months. But the relationship is over. I still care about him but I know things will never work and that's making it easier to get over him. Because of him and my ex before him I don't want to date, be in a relationship, or get married...ever. Within the past 6 months I've gotten into graduate school and I have a free ride because I have a fellowship. But I hate it all and I've lost interest in school. I was led to believe the program was very flexible about what I could study. But it's not. I was in the work force for a few years before grad school, but then I found out I would never make a decent living with a bachelors degree in my major. well I decided to go back to school. but now I don't remember any of the material I learned as an undergrad! This puts me at a disadvantage to the new 21 year old students who were in undergrad classes last year and the material is still fresh in their minds. I have 2 tutors and my grades are still bad. I'm frustrated, scared of being kicked out, feel really stupid, and I don't know if this program is right for me. The school environment is also cold and distant. When I say "hello" to people in my classes or in my program 9 times out of 10 I get a blank stare or I'm completely ignored. I feel isolated but I also feel like I don't want to make friends anyway. I ended a 7 year friendship with 2 of my good friends when I have very few friends. One was very jealous of me and she would refuse to talk to me for months if she found something to be jealous about. I tried to hide my good news from her but then she would find something else absolutely crazy to be jealous about. My other friend stopped talking to me because she hated my ex and because I wouldn't break up with him. I would've been touched by this if I hadn't been there for her when she was in relationships with a physically abusive guy, a chronic cheater/compulsive liar, a couple guys who emotionally manipulated her and isolated her from her friends, and guys who used her for sex even though she swore it was love. When me or anyone else gave her advice on these guys, she ignored us and stayed with these jerks. I wasn't happy but I didn't stop speaking to her and I was there for her when these relationships ended! I've only had 2 boyfriends in my life and when I broke up with the last one she wasn't there for me! She only spread the news to my jealous friend (who called me to get info) and turned her attention back to the current "love of her life". With friends like these... Why am I so unhappy when cutting off these negative people and going back to school should make me happy?At this point in my life I don't trust anyone anymore. I wonder what's the point of trying to be good, loving, and caring when people stomp on the idea or take advantage of this?? I don't want to be in a school I hate to do work I hate to help people when all I see are people I don't want to help. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel confused and alone. My parents try to encourage me, but that's not enough anymore. My motivation to press on is gone. Has anyone felt like any changes in life look good on paper, but in reality it feels like hell? How did you cope? I apologize for such a long post. Its my first post and I had a lot to get off my chest.

12-01-2008, 01:18 AM	#3
faolanblood Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 42	Breaking free, AHHH Well that wsa lot to take in. In away I can understand were you are coming from not to long ago ( and some times even now for a few hours) I was at the same point or well some thing similar any way. I had everything that i thought I wanted and needed...great job....going to college...flying back home every onther week end. ( I was living on Oahu going to school from Kauai) I am living in Hawaii the hole thing. You ge tth perks of the city during the week and then the beauty of the Islands on the weekends. grad high school early not even paying for college finally on my own...what most poeple thrive for and not all get you know and I was miserable. I was making great grades to I just didn't get it. It got to a point were I didn't want to live very often it was so bad. I tried church....Video games....exspressive writting ..got into photograpy even took a second job just trying to figure out what I was missing you know. It got to a point shortly after I got mairred in June were I reailized I was living my life yeah but not the way that I wanted to I was doing what had been exspected of me from other people. I sat down and looked at everything I have and how far I have come and in an odd way I just smiled. I have everything I need and want with out fancy degrees and years of schooling with out being what some one else wanted me to be. More so I sat down and thought about what I want and it is nothing compared to what other had wanted for me. And I was happy with that and still am. I looked at what I valued and what matters most to me in lfe and it is simple. I want to be a good wife, and one day Mother. Life is hard some times cruel...but you got to keep your chin up and take time to think it through some times. as far as friends go. I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand. and that is enough for me. You need some one who is going to be there for you know matter what Who will not judge you but who loves and acepts you jsut for you with out any thing else. they should be your friend because of you now who you are with and you to them as well. Dating wise the right guy will come a long some time. Often when you are not even looking.If you had asked me a year ago if I would be married I would have said no way. However seven months in to it and our relationship is better then I ever imagined. My husband loves me for who I am....I am not perfect but he always tells me he is glad that I am not. No one is you have to look past it and be willing to work with the person. OPEN COMMUNICATION in ANY TYPE of a RELATIONSHIP is KEY.....honestly it makes for the best ones. Also it helps them last. ANd is a lot healthier. With any relation ship there is ups and down good days bad days some times off days. You get through them. COMMITMENT is a willlingless to work through it and a promiss to always try it takes to people to make a relationship and one person to break it. One day I am sure you will change your mind and wnat to get hitched....it is beautiful really. Well I am rambling so I will stop for now good luck though . __________________ "The strength of the Wolf is the pack, The strength of the pack is the wolf"

11-30-2008, 11:54 PM	#2
Beaker5 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 160	Hi BreakingFree, I'm sorry you're not enjoying grad school. I'm in the process of sending in my applications right now and I also have doubts about whether this will make me happy. I wonder if I'm choosing the right field and if I'll be able to make it through grad school. I doubt my passion sometimes which is the worst thing for me because that's the ultimate thing that keeps me going. If I lose that I lose everything. Look, if the reason why you chose that major in undergrad is because you enjoy it, then maybe you're just losing sight of your passion because of the lack of support from friends and because you're hurt by your previous relationship. Maybe you should try rekindling your passion for your schoolwork by watching movies, documentaries, etc.. What are you studying by the way?