Gave one last chance to my father.

Taomagicdragon · 11-29-2008, 11:13 AM

People can check my post history for the things my father has done to me but, to summarize, he sexually, physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me from when I was a toddler to before puberty, after that the sexual part of it vanished (likely due to seeing prepubescence as "sexless" while puberty marks the maturing of a gender in a biological sense).

Over the years I have tried to build something resembling a casual relationship with my father but his unwillingness to believe he was in the wrong, his belief that I am no better than him, and that I "must be out for something" to put forth any effort to see him have all doomed my attempts to come to naught.

He recently moved out to Ohio for a new job and, when he sells his house here in Connecticut, will be there permanently. I felt torn up because it seemed the end of any attempt. Well he flew back for Thanksgiving and came today to see us, he called ahead of time and my sister informed him of my inclination to join them. His immediate reply was "What's his motivation?" he continued on with making it clear I am not worth his time, his breath, nor am I worthy of being deemed a person in his eyes.

A little bit more background is needed to explain the last part. My parents were going to get a divorce during the second year of marriage when I was born (I was an accident) and, at the same time, I had a twin who was miscarried and, to add insult to injury, a cousin of mine died the same day. This has "marked" me in the eyes of my family and rarely is it a positive one. The abuse, according to him, was a way of punishing my "audacity" to live and that I am not truly a full person, but a half-person, half-human and half-demon or half-curse.

In any event, he left a little while ago and, likely, will be the last time I will see him aside from dropping my sister off. I feel vindicated in that I made the effort but now must deal with all these old depression-causing emotions that are rising.

I have Liza (my girlfriend) and she makes it effortless to be happy but I just hope that this occasion doesn't send me into another crash of depression.

waveseer · 11-29-2008, 11:20 AM

My heart really goes out to you, that is an incredibly heavy burden to carry (or avoid) and I hope you can stem the flow of negative emotion or channel it in some way so you don't have to feel badly.

Even as an adult there have been times when my family has treated each other in ways that I would have thought unbelievable until they happenned. I used to get so angry because I couldn't hate them no matter what they did, nor could I return the incredibly nasty behavior because it's just not who I am.

Focus on yourself, who you know yourself to be that nothing and noone can change.

starlight40 · 11-29-2008, 11:26 AM

He wouldnt get another chance with me. Ready is right, you now need to focus on you now, you are THE most important person in your world, i hope you find peace sooner rather than later. My heart goes out to you xxx

auburnslp · 11-29-2008, 12:08 PM

Good Lord. I am sorry for what you have gone through, but I have to say this-broher, your "father" never deserved the chance you gave him. Listen-family is only family when there is love, care, etc. Your father doesn't qualify for that position in this regard. Forgiveness is one thing-but that forgiveness has to be based on a reality of at least some sort of past beneficial relationship-it seems, again, that your father does not qualify, or deserve, your forgiveness.

I realize it is hard to write off a family member. But I have done so, with no regrets. When there is absolutely no healthy benefit to a relationship, then why have one?

Your emotional well-being is still tied to this horrendous person. I can tell you this-to allow this person to continue to hurt you is the worst thing you could ever do. Hasn't he done enough???

Cut it off, break all ties, know that you tried, and offered something he didn't deserve. Seek validation elsewhere, frome something or someone that is actually worthy of giving it. And truly-that validation needs to come from within. Good luck.

Stella Sleepwalks · 11-29-2008, 12:30 PM

He is a monster and will likely do this again to some other poor infant.

Has he been to jail over this? Does your sister have children?

IphigeniaSaysHi · 11-29-2008, 12:32 PM

Have you had therapy? You handle things with poise, and you're very intelligent, but some things just eat us up and we can't handle them without professional help. I am glad you're at least on ena. This is a lot to carry, TaoMD.

Taomagicdragon · 11-29-2008, 12:45 PM

Been in therapy for years, still prone to "crashes" but so long as I monitor my stress levels and seratonin levels (more of an art than a science admittedly) I'm fine.

Taomagicdragon · 11-29-2008, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stella Sleepwalks

He is a monster and will likely do this again to some other poor infant.

Has he been to jail over this? Does your sister have children?

My sister is 17, no children.

Has he been to jail? No, and with his "new family" it seems more fitting for him to support them for the rest of his life than to find peace in a jail. He lost his 6-figure income when he married a mail-ordered bride from Russia and now makes a fraction of what he used to.

yeawutever · 12-22-2008, 08:48 PM

Monster, yes there's prison time for that. Anyways think you should only give him one more chance if he repents to what he did to you and starts seeking professional help but by the looks of it he doesn't even care about you, so why waste time on it, cut contact with him.

11-29-2008, 11:13 AM	#1
Taomagicdragon Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the safety of my friends Posts: 1,202	Gave one last chance to my father. People can check my post history for the things my father has done to me but, to summarize, he sexually, physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me from when I was a toddler to before puberty, after that the sexual part of it vanished (likely due to seeing prepubescence as "sexless" while puberty marks the maturing of a gender in a biological sense). Over the years I have tried to build something resembling a casual relationship with my father but his unwillingness to believe he was in the wrong, his belief that I am no better than him, and that I "must be out for something" to put forth any effort to see him have all doomed my attempts to come to naught. He recently moved out to Ohio for a new job and, when he sells his house here in Connecticut, will be there permanently. I felt torn up because it seemed the end of any attempt. Well he flew back for Thanksgiving and came today to see us, he called ahead of time and my sister informed him of my inclination to join them. His immediate reply was "What's his motivation?" he continued on with making it clear I am not worth his time, his breath, nor am I worthy of being deemed a person in his eyes. A little bit more background is needed to explain the last part. My parents were going to get a divorce during the second year of marriage when I was born (I was an accident) and, at the same time, I had a twin who was miscarried and, to add insult to injury, a cousin of mine died the same day. This has "marked" me in the eyes of my family and rarely is it a positive one. The abuse, according to him, was a way of punishing my "audacity" to live and that I am not truly a full person, but a half-person, half-human and half-demon or half-curse. In any event, he left a little while ago and, likely, will be the last time I will see him aside from dropping my sister off. I feel vindicated in that I made the effort but now must deal with all these old depression-causing emotions that are rising. I have Liza (my girlfriend) and she makes it effortless to be happy but I just hope that this occasion doesn't send me into another crash of depression.

11-29-2008, 11:20 AM	#2
waveseer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: In a world full of possibilities. Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 11,062	My heart really goes out to you, that is an incredibly heavy burden to carry (or avoid) and I hope you can stem the flow of negative emotion or channel it in some way so you don't have to feel badly. Even as an adult there have been times when my family has treated each other in ways that I would have thought unbelievable until they happenned. I used to get so angry because I couldn't hate them no matter what they did, nor could I return the incredibly nasty behavior because it's just not who I am. Focus on yourself, who you know yourself to be that nothing and noone can change. __________________ Whoever dies with the most "happy" wins! ~ shuttlefish profile pic explained: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl6yXBnLYYM and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKnw9TM_AAI and if you weren't convinced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fPtMuBtMs and if you're not sick yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTvUT_Hx4Dc to accept your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgP57lJvWRw

11-29-2008, 11:26 AM	#3
starlight40 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 1,200	He wouldnt get another chance with me. Ready is right, you now need to focus on you now, you are THE most important person in your world, i hope you find peace sooner rather than later. My heart goes out to you xxx __________________ "insecurity breeds insecurity" - Starlight40 "if couples in relationships never argue then someone is being walked over"- my mother, lol! A couple on tv that had been together for 50 years, they were asked "whats your secret to a lasting relationship?" their reply was "neither of us ever fell out of love at the same time..." Expectation is the route to all sadness

11-29-2008, 12:08 PM	#4
auburnslp Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Georgia Age: 43 Posts: 1,118	Good Lord. I am sorry for what you have gone through, but I have to say this-broher, your "father" never deserved the chance you gave him. Listen-family is only family when there is love, care, etc. Your father doesn't qualify for that position in this regard. Forgiveness is one thing-but that forgiveness has to be based on a reality of at least some sort of past beneficial relationship-it seems, again, that your father does not qualify, or deserve, your forgiveness. I realize it is hard to write off a family member. But I have done so, with no regrets. When there is absolutely no healthy benefit to a relationship, then why have one? Your emotional well-being is still tied to this horrendous person. I can tell you this-to allow this person to continue to hurt you is the worst thing you could ever do. Hasn't he done enough??? Cut it off, break all ties, know that you tried, and offered something he didn't deserve. Seek validation elsewhere, frome something or someone that is actually worthy of giving it. And truly-that validation needs to come from within. Good luck. __________________ I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost-1915

11-29-2008, 12:30 PM	#5
Stella Sleepwalks Online Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,028	He is a monster and will likely do this again to some other poor infant. Has he been to jail over this? Does your sister have children? __________________ You Gotta Go There To Come Back

11-29-2008, 12:32 PM	#6
IphigeniaSaysHi Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Michigan Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 3,312	Have you had therapy? You handle things with poise, and you're very intelligent, but some things just eat us up and we can't handle them without professional help. I am glad you're at least on ena. This is a lot to carry, TaoMD.

11-29-2008, 12:45 PM	#7
Taomagicdragon Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the safety of my friends Posts: 1,202	Been in therapy for years, still prone to "crashes" but so long as I monitor my stress levels and seratonin levels (more of an art than a science admittedly) I'm fine.

12-22-2008, 08:48 PM	#9
yeawutever Online Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Age: 22 Posts: 5,673	Monster, yes there's prison time for that. Anyways think you should only give him one more chance if he repents to what he did to you and starts seeking professional help but by the looks of it he doesn't even care about you, so why waste time on it, cut contact with him. __________________ Opened-minded to those in need of help. Not everything is black and white as it seems.... If you're gonna do something, think twice and make sure it's something worthy that you don't later on regret!!!!!!!!!!! Still in a LDR with boyfriend.