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  1. #1
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    1,999

    She's not good for me, but why do I still miss her?

    Wondering if anyone else has been or is in this situation, and how do you deal with it?

    I haven't spoken with my ex in about two weeks, and I'm liking it this way. I was the dumper, but she made it a bit more painful by blocking my email and phone number.

    In my heart, I know she was not right for me and I know that she didn't treat me very well. Sometimes, I find myself thinking of the good times and some of the sweet things she did for me. However, when I size everything up, as much as I miss the good times, I realize she had major issues and was not ready for a relationship.

    What KILLS me is when I get stuck thinking about the good times, when I remember nice things she said and did, and things I could have done better. I have a little bit of a panic, and I start to replay conversations and situations, and wonder if I could have somehow modified my behavior to change the outcome so I could still be with her.

    It almost seems silly and irrational, because all throughout this short relationship, I had this gut feeling saying, no, no, no, she has issues, she's not over her ex, she's not a good person, etc. When I get into these moments though, I have very strange thinking and I get tempted to find someway to contact her.

    It's usually worst on the weekends, because now that I am single, I have not much to do. I don't have many friends, and when I was with her, I spent alot of time with her. Now that I am single again, I'm at home alot of the time by myself. All of this idle time allows my mind to wander. I've tried pretty hard with the few friends I have. The one has a girlfriend and he spends most of his time with her, so I'm lucky to see him maybe once or twice a month. The other friend - it never seems to work out. I've tried the past few weeks to make plans, but he's always busy.

    Wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

    I've also started to do some online dating. This was a 3.5 month relationship, and like I said, in my heart, I am done with this girl. I feel like online dating is OK, but sometimes I wonder if it's really a good idea. I haven't met anyone yet, because alot of people are flakey. The people I actually like just disappear. I've found very few profiles online that I actually liked.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    los angeles
    Posts
    827
    Gender
    Male
    I'm sort of in the position you are in.

    The best thing you can do, is take your focus off her and improve yourself. I spend a lot of time alone, probably 90%. I find that reading and going to the gym helps take my mind off her. When I go out, I still look for her, even though I know I won't ever see her again. When the good memories start seeping in, I remember the bad. Or I just accept them as memories and nothing more.

    I hurt a lot, but I want to get over this. I see this as an obstacle not a life long burden. I want to heal and worry about myself. Not this person who was once in my life. She caused a great deal of happiness, but the pain she has inflicted will stay with me. Whenever it gets really bad, I cry it out. I put on the saddest song I know. Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry.

    Have my brief moment of self pity and try to go back to whatever I am doing. I call old friends or just go out and find something to do. Whether it be a walk around my block or just going to the mall and looking at things. Anything to just fill my head with new memories and dull the hurt.

    I'm here if you need to talk.
    It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    421
    Quote Originally Posted by NewPhillyGuy View Post
    I haven't spoken with her in about two weeks, and I'm liking it this way.

    In my heart, I know she was not right for me and I know that she didn't treat me very well. Sometimes, I find myself thinking of the good times and some of the sweet things she did for me. However, when I size everything up, as much as I miss the good times, I realize she had major issues and was not ready for a relationship.

    What KILLS me is when I get stuck thinking about the good times, when I remember nice things she said and did, and things I could have done better. I have a little bit of a panic, and I start to replay conversations and situations, and wonder if I could have somehow modified my behavior to change the outcome so I could still be with her.

    When I get into these moments though, I have very strange thinking and I get tempted to find someway to contact her.

    It's usually worst on the weekends. I don't have many friends I'm at home alot of the time by myself. All of this idle time allows my mind to wander.

    Wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
    hey mate. i have been experiencing the same things you have just described. due to the holiday season approaching, i have been home quite a lot lately, since a lot of clients are on holidays and so i have not much to do. so obviously i am sitting at home with a lot of free time on my hands. and my mind wanders. a lot. i don't even have enough work to keep myself distracted which is normally the case during the day time. i have been having these really strong early morning blues where i think about her waking up in a lot stronger way than it has ever been. i can't seem to find a way to make it stop. i want it to stop. i still cannot figure out a way to control my mind while i am asleep!!!

    and when mind wanders, it automatically starts replaying certain things. bloody thing is wavering so much, it's like a frog in a blender.

    i know i was strung along, i know i was made to believe something which was fake. i have been supremely ruthless and have not looked back or answered any phone calls or messages. i believe she has gotten the message i am no longer going to be her "emotional tampon" or the "back burner" or any of those fancy words that the people use here. however, that does not mean i don't miss her or i don't want to be with her. i have this veil of everything is alright, and i am strong but inside i am in a really bad shape. i have also been spending a gargantuan amount of time on here trying to just read, but it's effect is sort of wearing off. i used to feel better reading a few threads/posts, but now i have to read a lot more to get the same effect, if any. sort of like drug addiction. seems like my mind is fighting back when i try to distract/restrain it.

    i am right there with you. you are not alone. hope you feel better and keep your chin up.
    The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. how much you can take and keep moving forward.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    1,999
    Thanks alot for your responses.

    Strangely enough, I have not cried yet since the breakup. I think I have been close, but I have not been able to. I've even listened to our song and looked at some pictures of her online, but I've not been able to get to that point. I did myself a favor and blocked her social networking page, so I cannot see her page next time I am tempted. I have a feeling that she just jumped to another guy, just as she jumped to me so quickly after her last breakup, so I don't want to risk learning of any details and having it stir any feelings in me.

    I just wasn't willing to put up with her drama. It was clear as day to me that she wasn't over her last breakup and was suffering from some major self-esteem issues also as a result of that breakup. I fault her for not taking the time to heal, and trying to push all of her grief on me and our relationship.

    Thanks for support. I feel like I am going to be OK. I know this because when I think about meeting a nice girl in the future, I'm able to quickly forget about her and the grief she caused me. I also think I realized alot of things about myself in this relationship, although it failed, and it will help me to be stronger and more confident in future relationships and in turning away folks who are bad news for me.

    When you have a breakup, it's really tough to say something that things happen for a reason, because you are so distraught. I'm looking at this situation and saying maybe this did happen for a reason. I walked away from someone who was not a good person, and had I met this girl years ago when I was inexperienced, I might have stayed with her longer and put up with more junk. I'm glad that I did in a few months time.

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