My Wife Was Adopted...

SeeBus_Hubby · 11-24-2008, 11:02 AM

I apologize if this post isn't well written. I was just spouting out thoughts since they were fresh in my head. I really don't know where to begin...

My wife was adopted. She has a very difficult time believing that anyone could love her if her own birth parents gave her up. She was, however, raised in a loving foster family. I think she understands that they love her, but it doesn't stick. She has a loving husband in me. She as friends (both hers and mine) that love her. But she fights with herself in her head on a daily basis with the fact that she was cast aside by her birth parents. She feels that she was an accident and she struggles with her purpose or why she should even be here. Not in a suicidal way I assure you.

I had a talk with her the other day, asking her how much she thinks about being put up for adoption, even AFTER getting married and seeing how many people were there and how many people love her. Her response was "everyday". She constantly finds reminders that she was adopted and then tries to fill that void somehow. I feel that those thoughts are becoming a disease. They constantly run her life. They cause her to see faults in herself. Sometimes she doesn't think she's pretty. She gets angry when someone jokes with her about something related to her. She takes things way to personally. These same thoughts cause her to see faults in me that normally others would not see or be bothered by. She picks fights with me when I get too close to her. (Not physically close, but emotionally close) We've gotten married, but she still is scared of letting me into her heart "all the way". Believe me, I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think that she loved me and was IN love with me. She is. She just gets handicapped by these emotions and thoughts sometimes. They breakdown her trust. She's made some poor decisions in her life in order to get people to love her. She's never done anything to endanger her life, but she has thought about it. I don't think she's by any means "off the deep end", I think she just constantly struggles with the fact that she was adopted. We've talked about trying to find her birth mother (we think her father was a bad individual) and talk to her, just to get some answers. But she has two major worries. The first is obviously rejection. She already feels "rejected" at birth and she doesn't want to try to attempt to contact that woman and have her reject her again. The second thought is that she doesn't want her actual family finding out about her search, if she does decide to go through with it. She thinks that they will be offended and not accept her in their life. While her family is gossipy, I don't think this will happen. She's seen therapists before, but like she told me, they are going to tell her to either confront her birth mother or learn to dissolve the issue herself. I told her last night that I am here for her in whatever decision she makes. I will back her 110% and be there whenever she is scared. I just don't know what more I can do.

The main problem I see is that the "void" in her heart constantly fills and then empties. I do an enormous amount of things for her. But at the end of the day, I'm still the one who has wronged her or done something wrong in general. When she does something that is a moderate task, she feels that she needs extra recognition for it. If I forget to notice something as little as her on wiping off the kitchen counter, she flips and says that I don't appreciate her. She fights me on money spending, but gets angry when I don't buy her something. Then when I do, she gets angry because I spent money. This is what I am dealing with. I won't give up on her though.

I could keep rambling on and on and would be glad to if people would like to respond.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

Thanks!

**annie24** · 11-24-2008, 11:10 AM

welcome to enotalone. has she ever tried to meet her biological parents? maybe that could help give her some closure? it could have been a very scared teenage couple who just couldn't handle the baby, or who knows what. maybe trying to find out why her biological parents gave her up can help her.

has your wife sought out counseling? i would recommend that.

SeeBus_Hubby · 11-24-2008, 11:13 AM

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the reply. As stated in the original post, "We've talked about trying to find her birth mother (we think her father was a bad individual) and talk to her, just to get some answers. But she has two major worries. The first is obviously rejection. She already feels "rejected" at birth and she doesn't want to try to attempt to contact that woman and have her reject her again. The second thought is that she doesn't want her actual family finding out about her search, if she does decide to go through with it. She thinks that they will be offended and not accept her in their life. While her family is gossipy, I don't think this will happen."

As for the therapists, that too was in my original post, "She's seen therapists before, but like she told me, they are going to tell her to either confront her birth mother or learn to dissolve the issue herself."

Thanks for your input! Anything else is appreciated!

**annie24** · 11-24-2008, 11:24 AM

and when you say to her - 'what if it was a scared 16 year old girl who got pregnant and wasn't ready in any way shape or form to raise you?' what does she say?

**avman** · 11-24-2008, 11:27 AM

Has your wife tried any Adoption support groups rather than a therapist? It sounds like the therapists she's seen haven't clicked with her so maybe talking to a group of people that have similar experiences might help.

SeeBus_Hubby · 11-24-2008, 11:31 AM

Annie - That approach I have not tried. I am still trying to get as much information as I can out of her with regards to what she knows about the adoption process. It sounds like it's been a closed case until she reached 18 and then she was allowed to open it. But she has been rather ambiguous about what is in the file or if she's even opened it. She made it sound as if she has SOME idea about her birth mother, but I will have to investigate more as I am at work right now.

Avman - That was one idea that I just thought about today actually. Getting her into a support group with other women who are like her and have the same feelings and experiences sounds like a great idea! I think that will be one of the first things that I bring up to her.

jcrisph · 11-24-2008, 11:36 AM

I try to think positive. I dont think as adoption as well my biological mother did not want me, I think of it as look at how much i have brought to my adoptive parents life, A woman that could not have kids has the ability to enjoy parenthood(some bad times lol)because another mother was willing to give up her child up for a better life being an accident or not. Im pretty sure i was an accident too. My mom had me at the age of 15. I just feel that instead of dwelling on why she was adopted, which is fine,she has right to know, she should think about the positive of because of her mothers choice, the happiness she has brought to other peoples lives.

**avman** · 11-24-2008, 11:42 AM

Let me know if you have any trouble finding a group near you SeeBus_Hubby. I can look as well if you can't find something. There are also online communities if there isn't something close where she can post and share stories with others in a similar situation. I'd recommend person to person contact first just because I think it is a bit more helpful but online is at least an option if you can't locate something close by.

SeeBus_Hubby · 11-24-2008, 12:07 PM

This has all been really helpful. I think I first need to get a better grasp of what she knows about her birth mother and her situation when my wife was born. She's told me bits and pieces of what she knows because again, its hard for her to talk about it. If I can get her to let me see her file, so I can learn more, I will do that. I've gotten some inclination that the woman was not in a good place. So you would think that my wife WOULD feel blessed to be out of that situation and into a much safer one. My wife was really well off as a child. She lived in a million dollar home, had a brand new car at 16, etc. I have gotten some idea that while her foster parents did a good job raising her, they showered her with a lot of tangible monetary gifts, rather than extra love that she felt she needed. Don't get me wrong, she's very aware of how fortunate she was to be inserted into such a cushy lifestyle.

Ultimately, I think she would benefit from a group session kind of thing where she can see that there are other people like her who have come to grips with their past and embrace it.

**annie24** · 11-24-2008, 03:55 PM

i can't imagine that her parents gave her up unless they were really in a bad position. i mean, no people who are well off, educated, in stable marriages, etc... just give up their child for adoption. i knew a girl who was adopted after being abandoned in a parking lot in asia when she was 1.5 years old. she was found by strangers, the mother was never tracked down. clearly, a mother must be very very desperate to abandon such a young child in a parking lot. but, she got adopted into a good, loving, financially well off family, so luckily, things worked out. things could have been a lot worse.

i agree, i think a support group is really a good idea.

11-24-2008, 11:02 AM	#1
SeeBus_Hubby Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	My Wife Was Adopted... I apologize if this post isn't well written. I was just spouting out thoughts since they were fresh in my head. I really don't know where to begin... My wife was adopted. She has a very difficult time believing that anyone could love her if her own birth parents gave her up. She was, however, raised in a loving foster family. I think she understands that they love her, but it doesn't stick. She has a loving husband in me. She as friends (both hers and mine) that love her. But she fights with herself in her head on a daily basis with the fact that she was cast aside by her birth parents. She feels that she was an accident and she struggles with her purpose or why she should even be here. Not in a suicidal way I assure you. I had a talk with her the other day, asking her how much she thinks about being put up for adoption, even AFTER getting married and seeing how many people were there and how many people love her. Her response was "everyday". She constantly finds reminders that she was adopted and then tries to fill that void somehow. I feel that those thoughts are becoming a disease. They constantly run her life. They cause her to see faults in herself. Sometimes she doesn't think she's pretty. She gets angry when someone jokes with her about something related to her. She takes things way to personally. These same thoughts cause her to see faults in me that normally others would not see or be bothered by. She picks fights with me when I get too close to her. (Not physically close, but emotionally close) We've gotten married, but she still is scared of letting me into her heart "all the way". Believe me, I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think that she loved me and was IN love with me. She is. She just gets handicapped by these emotions and thoughts sometimes. They breakdown her trust. She's made some poor decisions in her life in order to get people to love her. She's never done anything to endanger her life, but she has thought about it. I don't think she's by any means "off the deep end", I think she just constantly struggles with the fact that she was adopted. We've talked about trying to find her birth mother (we think her father was a bad individual) and talk to her, just to get some answers. But she has two major worries. The first is obviously rejection. She already feels "rejected" at birth and she doesn't want to try to attempt to contact that woman and have her reject her again. The second thought is that she doesn't want her actual family finding out about her search, if she does decide to go through with it. She thinks that they will be offended and not accept her in their life. While her family is gossipy, I don't think this will happen. She's seen therapists before, but like she told me, they are going to tell her to either confront her birth mother or learn to dissolve the issue herself. I told her last night that I am here for her in whatever decision she makes. I will back her 110% and be there whenever she is scared. I just don't know what more I can do. The main problem I see is that the "void" in her heart constantly fills and then empties. I do an enormous amount of things for her. But at the end of the day, I'm still the one who has wronged her or done something wrong in general. When she does something that is a moderate task, she feels that she needs extra recognition for it. If I forget to notice something as little as her on wiping off the kitchen counter, she flips and says that I don't appreciate her. She fights me on money spending, but gets angry when I don't buy her something. Then when I do, she gets angry because I spent money. This is what I am dealing with. I won't give up on her though. I could keep rambling on and on and would be glad to if people would like to respond. Your thoughts are appreciated! Thanks!

11-24-2008, 11:27 AM	#5
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Has your wife tried any Adoption support groups rather than a therapist? It sounds like the therapists she's seen haven't clicked with her so maybe talking to a group of people that have similar experiences might help. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

11-24-2008, 11:42 AM	#8
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Let me know if you have any trouble finding a group near you SeeBus_Hubby. I can look as well if you can't find something. There are also online communities if there isn't something close where she can post and share stories with others in a similar situation. I'd recommend person to person contact first just because I think it is a bit more helpful but online is at least an option if you can't locate something close by. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

11-24-2008, 11:10 AM	#2
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,822	welcome to enotalone. has she ever tried to meet her biological parents? maybe that could help give her some closure? it could have been a very scared teenage couple who just couldn't handle the baby, or who knows what. maybe trying to find out why her biological parents gave her up can help her. has your wife sought out counseling? i would recommend that.

11-24-2008, 11:13 AM	#3
SeeBus_Hubby Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Hi Annie, Thanks for the reply. As stated in the original post, "We've talked about trying to find her birth mother (we think her father was a bad individual) and talk to her, just to get some answers. But she has two major worries. The first is obviously rejection. She already feels "rejected" at birth and she doesn't want to try to attempt to contact that woman and have her reject her again. The second thought is that she doesn't want her actual family finding out about her search, if she does decide to go through with it. She thinks that they will be offended and not accept her in their life. While her family is gossipy, I don't think this will happen." As for the therapists, that too was in my original post, "She's seen therapists before, but like she told me, they are going to tell her to either confront her birth mother or learn to dissolve the issue herself." Thanks for your input! Anything else is appreciated!

11-24-2008, 11:24 AM	#4
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,822	and when you say to her - 'what if it was a scared 16 year old girl who got pregnant and wasn't ready in any way shape or form to raise you?' what does she say?

11-24-2008, 11:31 AM	#6
SeeBus_Hubby Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	Annie - That approach I have not tried. I am still trying to get as much information as I can out of her with regards to what she knows about the adoption process. It sounds like it's been a closed case until she reached 18 and then she was allowed to open it. But she has been rather ambiguous about what is in the file or if she's even opened it. She made it sound as if she has SOME idea about her birth mother, but I will have to investigate more as I am at work right now. Avman - That was one idea that I just thought about today actually. Getting her into a support group with other women who are like her and have the same feelings and experiences sounds like a great idea! I think that will be one of the first things that I bring up to her.

11-24-2008, 11:36 AM	#7
jcrisph Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 578	I try to think positive. I dont think as adoption as well my biological mother did not want me, I think of it as look at how much i have brought to my adoptive parents life, A woman that could not have kids has the ability to enjoy parenthood(some bad times lol)because another mother was willing to give up her child up for a better life being an accident or not. Im pretty sure i was an accident too. My mom had me at the age of 15. I just feel that instead of dwelling on why she was adopted, which is fine,she has right to know, she should think about the positive of because of her mothers choice, the happiness she has brought to other peoples lives.

11-24-2008, 12:07 PM	#9
SeeBus_Hubby Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4	This has all been really helpful. I think I first need to get a better grasp of what she knows about her birth mother and her situation when my wife was born. She's told me bits and pieces of what she knows because again, its hard for her to talk about it. If I can get her to let me see her file, so I can learn more, I will do that. I've gotten some inclination that the woman was not in a good place. So you would think that my wife WOULD feel blessed to be out of that situation and into a much safer one. My wife was really well off as a child. She lived in a million dollar home, had a brand new car at 16, etc. I have gotten some idea that while her foster parents did a good job raising her, they showered her with a lot of tangible monetary gifts, rather than extra love that she felt she needed. Don't get me wrong, she's very aware of how fortunate she was to be inserted into such a cushy lifestyle. Ultimately, I think she would benefit from a group session kind of thing where she can see that there are other people like her who have come to grips with their past and embrace it.

11-24-2008, 03:55 PM	#10
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,822	i can't imagine that her parents gave her up unless they were really in a bad position. i mean, no people who are well off, educated, in stable marriages, etc... just give up their child for adoption. i knew a girl who was adopted after being abandoned in a parking lot in asia when she was 1.5 years old. she was found by strangers, the mother was never tracked down. clearly, a mother must be very very desperate to abandon such a young child in a parking lot. but, she got adopted into a good, loving, financially well off family, so luckily, things worked out. things could have been a lot worse. i agree, i think a support group is really a good idea.