Dating someone with history of cancer

onmyownagain · 11-22-2008, 11:03 AM

Hi,

Not been on here for a long time, split from ex wife nearly a year ago and fine with all that.

Been dating various women recently, not for very long most of the time because I can't find what I am looking for so move on.

But I recently met someone who I really like. Only had three dates but was thinking how much I like spending time with her.

But on Thursday night she had a few drinks and I noticed one of her nails on her thumb was a funny shape.

She told me it is caused by years of cancer treatment. She has had breast cancer three times in her life but has been clear for 5 years.

This year she's had breast reconstruction.

This really shocked me and I didn't know what to say. We haven't slept together yet and I am concerned what I am going to find if I do.

Also, my ex wife was ill for many years and I spent a lot of time with her near to death, not sure I am ready to get into something like that again.

She texted me after I left her saying sorry for being a disappointment and she would understand if I didn't want to see her again.

Help please!!

waveseer · 11-22-2008, 11:11 AM

Be her friend, it will make you both feel better.

DN · 11-22-2008, 11:16 AM

This is something for you to decide. But just remember that there are never any guarantees - illness or accident can strike at anytime.

TBE_1989 · 11-22-2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

But just remember that there are never any guarantees - illness or accident can strike at anytime.

True. I've just finished a conversation with someone about this. A young boy I know was killed the other day because he fell down the stairs, whereas I know a 98-year old lady who still drives, cooks, and wears heels every day!

Just because this lady has had ailments in the past doesn't mean she's going to be a charity case for you and doesn't mean she will necessarily fall ill again. I understand you were in a similar situation with your wife, and I know how caring for the sick can be taxing, but try not to let this interfere with what could be a potentially great new relationship.

COtuner · 11-22-2008, 01:59 PM

Politically incorrect though it may be, I can understand why you have these concerns. I'll put myself out there and admit dating someone 13 years older than me, in their 50s, makes me wonder if I'm going to be that much closer to having to care for him and it worries me as I watch him age far more quickly than I .

I spent half of my 20s caring for a parent after a stroke, since then... 10 years later... she has had an organ removed and now has cancer, so I have major caregiver burnout. Last thing I need is to go right into having to care for a significant other. Yeah, maybe it speaks to my being selfish, but I worry that I'll have given my whole life to caring for others and to my job. When do I get the chance to experience and live life?

So to the OP, don't be afraid to make the decision that makes the most sense for you and doesn't put a strain on the relationship. I chose to stay with my BF, but am going to make sure I have enough savings / insurance put away to be able to get outside help if something happens to him.

11-22-2008, 11:03 AM	#1
onmyownagain Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: UK (South) Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 336	Dating someone with history of cancer Hi, Not been on here for a long time, split from ex wife nearly a year ago and fine with all that. Been dating various women recently, not for very long most of the time because I can't find what I am looking for so move on. But I recently met someone who I really like. Only had three dates but was thinking how much I like spending time with her. But on Thursday night she had a few drinks and I noticed one of her nails on her thumb was a funny shape. She told me it is caused by years of cancer treatment. She has had breast cancer three times in her life but has been clear for 5 years. This year she's had breast reconstruction. This really shocked me and I didn't know what to say. We haven't slept together yet and I am concerned what I am going to find if I do. Also, my ex wife was ill for many years and I spent a lot of time with her near to death, not sure I am ready to get into something like that again. She texted me after I left her saying sorry for being a disappointment and she would understand if I didn't want to see her again. Help please!!

11-22-2008, 11:11 AM	#2
waveseer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: In a world full of possibilities. Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 11,062	Be her friend, it will make you both feel better. __________________ Whoever dies with the most "happy" wins! ~ shuttlefish profile pic explained: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl6yXBnLYYM and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKnw9TM_AAI and if you weren't convinced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fPtMuBtMs and if you're not sick yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTvUT_Hx4Dc to accept your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgP57lJvWRw

11-22-2008, 11:16 AM	#3
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	This is something for you to decide. But just remember that there are never any guarantees - illness or accident can strike at anytime. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

11-22-2008, 01:59 PM	#5
COtuner Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 4,102	Politically incorrect though it may be, I can understand why you have these concerns. I'll put myself out there and admit dating someone 13 years older than me, in their 50s, makes me wonder if I'm going to be that much closer to having to care for him and it worries me as I watch him age far more quickly than I . I spent half of my 20s caring for a parent after a stroke, since then... 10 years later... she has had an organ removed and now has cancer, so I have major caregiver burnout. Last thing I need is to go right into having to care for a significant other. Yeah, maybe it speaks to my being selfish, but I worry that I'll have given my whole life to caring for others and to my job. When do I get the chance to experience and live life? So to the OP, don't be afraid to make the decision that makes the most sense for you and doesn't put a strain on the relationship. I chose to stay with my BF, but am going to make sure I have enough savings / insurance put away to be able to get outside help if something happens to him.