effects of abuse MUCH later? was this abuse?

blindfold · 11-20-2008, 09:10 PM

my bf was really insecure when we first started going out (his ex gf cheated on him and all that), and really posessive - he would refuse to talk to me if I was late to meet him 5 minutes, bc he thought I was cheating on him with someone, he called me a * * * * * several times, chased me down the stairs for leaving his apartment and turning my back on him, and twice didn't even let me leave when I wanted to (wouldn't literally let me open the door).

he had massive break-downs and all that bs.. I was sick of it and told him I was leaving if he didn't change. He did change. He is now (and has been for like 1,5 years) the best bf ever. but I'm still very hurt about all that, and feel really fragile when we talk about the first two years of our relationship. Do you guys think it's normal to not want to talk about those times? sometimes he says: "remember when we laid down and stargazed for hours?" and all that romantic things we did a while ago, and all I can remember were the terrible fights that, very honestly, I want to forget.

(ps - I never cheated on him - I had some close male friends he was jealous of, but we were never involved in any way)

your thoughts would be much appreciated.

yeawutever · 11-20-2008, 09:14 PM

Yes it's ok if you don't want to remember those times. Since you guys already worked it out, why bother bringing the past.

icemotoboy · 11-20-2008, 09:20 PM

Deal with it, work through it, and then forget it. He sounds like he's dealt with the issues and you've moved on as a couple and are now enjoying a great relationship. If that's the case, then I'd let these feelings go.

Keyman · 11-20-2008, 09:21 PM

I would perhaps approach a councellor and talk through it, either by yourself or together. There sounds like there is some residue fear and resentment there that needs to be removed. Better to talk it through with a professional than to bottle it up and have it come back to haunt you in the future...

icemotoboy · 11-20-2008, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keyman

I would perhaps approach a councellor and talk through it, either by yourself or together. There sounds like there is some residue fear and resentment there that needs to be removed. Better to talk it through with a professional than to bottle it up and have it come back to haunt you in the future...

I'd be careful with this one. Recent developments with PTSD suffers have actually shown that sometimes, NOT talking about something is the best thing to do. A study found less problems in those respondents who had received an immediate debrief during critical incidents, rather than those who received debriefs and counseling at a much later stage.

If the relationship is fine now, then the relationship doesn't need to be repaired. What needs to dealt with is the residual feelings. This may be as simple as considering the issue from different perspectives, and reading a few books - or it may require the help of a counselor or trusted friend.

Keyman · 11-20-2008, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by icemotoboy

If the relationship is fine now, then the relationship doesn't need to be repaired. What needs to dealt with is the residual feelings. This may be as simple as considering the issue from different perspectives, and reading a few books - or it may require the help of a counselor or trusted friend.

Fair call.

The Undead · 11-26-2008, 11:55 PM

Well I wonder why this is all her problem?

Okay, me I'm kind of romantic, but a little realistic. I think when you take the first step in making your significant other the enemy, it says a lot about how that relationship will fare in the long run.

His actions initially were abusive, as if when mad he cannot distinguish you from the enemy. Not good, two people together are supposed to have a feeling of mutual support and respect.

Sure you will disagree, but all really is not fair in love as it is in war. He knew this, that is why he modified his behavior for you.

But my observation is that people are not spontaneous, they don't suddenly just change into a wonderful person.

The human being however is wonderfully adaptive, and can if needed change to whatever is needed to survive.

Is this change permanent? or will he revert once you have too much invested to walk out?

That is the real question, and no one really can answer it for you because we just can never tell if and when an abusive person decides to abuse again.

The thing I am concerned about is if you really do have PTSD or some form of it, then you have to realize the relationship was way beyond normal.

In which case answers for normal case scenarios do not apply.

Hey you yell at me, and we can work it out.

You yell at me and I need to see a shrink because of it, you need to work it out, and preferably as far away from me as possible.

11-20-2008, 09:10 PM	#1
blindfold Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 161	effects of abuse MUCH later? was this abuse? my bf was really insecure when we first started going out (his ex gf cheated on him and all that), and really posessive - he would refuse to talk to me if I was late to meet him 5 minutes, bc he thought I was cheating on him with someone, he called me a * * * * * several times, chased me down the stairs for leaving his apartment and turning my back on him, and twice didn't even let me leave when I wanted to (wouldn't literally let me open the door). he had massive break-downs and all that bs.. I was sick of it and told him I was leaving if he didn't change. He did change. He is now (and has been for like 1,5 years) the best bf ever. but I'm still very hurt about all that, and feel really fragile when we talk about the first two years of our relationship. Do you guys think it's normal to not want to talk about those times? sometimes he says: "remember when we laid down and stargazed for hours?" and all that romantic things we did a while ago, and all I can remember were the terrible fights that, very honestly, I want to forget. (ps - I never cheated on him - I had some close male friends he was jealous of, but we were never involved in any way) your thoughts would be much appreciated.

11-20-2008, 09:14 PM	#2
yeawutever Online Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Age: 22 Posts: 5,672	Yes it's ok if you don't want to remember those times. Since you guys already worked it out, why bother bringing the past. __________________ Opened-minded to those in need of help. Not everything is black and white as it seems.... If you're gonna do something, think twice and make sure it's something worthy that you don't later on regret!!!!!!!!!!! Still in a LDR with boyfriend.

11-20-2008, 09:20 PM	#3
icemotoboy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Wellington, NZ Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 1,009	Deal with it, work through it, and then forget it. He sounds like he's dealt with the issues and you've moved on as a couple and are now enjoying a great relationship. If that's the case, then I'd let these feelings go. __________________ The IMB Facts of Life: 1. No contact, or punch him in the face. Anything else is more than he deserves 2. Life is not what you see, its how you see it 3. You can't swim unless you're in the water. So get in it. Then you have a choice. Swim, or drown 4. Being wrong is an opportunity to be right next time 5. Suffer, grow, overcome. The path to happiness

11-20-2008, 09:21 PM	#4
Keyman Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Brisbane, Australia Gender: Male Age: 38 Posts: 971	I would perhaps approach a councellor and talk through it, either by yourself or together. There sounds like there is some residue fear and resentment there that needs to be removed. Better to talk it through with a professional than to bottle it up and have it come back to haunt you in the future...

11-26-2008, 11:55 PM	#7
The Undead Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 36	Well I wonder why this is all her problem? Okay, me I'm kind of romantic, but a little realistic. I think when you take the first step in making your significant other the enemy, it says a lot about how that relationship will fare in the long run. His actions initially were abusive, as if when mad he cannot distinguish you from the enemy. Not good, two people together are supposed to have a feeling of mutual support and respect. Sure you will disagree, but all really is not fair in love as it is in war. He knew this, that is why he modified his behavior for you. But my observation is that people are not spontaneous, they don't suddenly just change into a wonderful person. The human being however is wonderfully adaptive, and can if needed change to whatever is needed to survive. Is this change permanent? or will he revert once you have too much invested to walk out? That is the real question, and no one really can answer it for you because we just can never tell if and when an abusive person decides to abuse again. The thing I am concerned about is if you really do have PTSD or some form of it, then you have to realize the relationship was way beyond normal. In which case answers for normal case scenarios do not apply. Hey you yell at me, and we can work it out. You yell at me and I need to see a shrink because of it, you need to work it out, and preferably as far away from me as possible.