So ive never really posted anything like this before online but i believe there is a first time for everything. I also apologize in advanced if this seems somewhat disorganized.
Im currently a stressed out college student with more work than ive ever had in my life. When i first got to school, i met a girl who i eventually became best friends with. We kept in contact several times a week over the summer after freshman year. About a month into our 2nd year we ended up kissing, and one thing lead to another and a month later i asked her if she wanted to be a couple, she said yes. Things went alright for a couple weeks, but then she started being somewhat reclusive. She is bipolar as she told me a while ago. I assumed that it was something that would pass, but now 2 weeks later she told me we needed to talk. She has a lot going on in her life, ill family members, confused about what direction to go in, divorce. She told me that she cares about me and wanted to take a break for fear of hurting me by not being there in our relationship. Ill admit that those couple weeks where she kept herself away werent too enjoyable, but then again they werent horrible. She told me not long ago that i am unlike anyone she has ever met, that i have nothing but good intentions. I like to believe this and i think for the most part i dont purposely try to harm anyone, but i also know that i cant be perfect. Her past relationships have been with nothing but mean, terrible people. I told her how i felt, that i dont want to be on a break, that i want to be there to help her in any way even if its only being there to provide support. She still pushed me away. Im left feeling confused. She tells me that i could be one of the best things in her life, but for fear of messing up our relationship she pushes me away back to friend status. I feel that even if we are just friends, she can still hurt me/mess up our relationship, so why change? She plainly said that she wanted a break and i said ok and walked out of the room without another word. She said that she didnt want to mess up our friendship. I dont know what to do. She is my best friend at school, the only person here that really knows me, and after being pushed away from her i honestly feel the loneliest i have ever felt in my entire life. Im by myself at a school far from home. Ive realized that i cant remember the last time ive ever had a deep meaningful conversation with one of my family members. She is the only one here who knows me. I feel that even if she isnt there to be by my side at all times, just having her as mine and knowing that she cares about me is enough. The only other real relationship ive had was in highschool. It lasted 2 years and ended because of a similar reason. She developed an eating disorder and didnt want me there. I dont understand why the people that i care about the most, the ones that need help, just completely push it away.
I figure i should put in some info about myself to not keep this totally 1 sided. Im a pretty independent person, as a result im by myself often and do go through periods where i feel lonely. I have many friends, but i feel like most of them only know me on a superficial level. Im extremely good at holding anger back, and i really do try to be a nice person, although i do have times where ill make some petty wrong doings. I recently started seeing a therapist at school, because i figured it could be fun(i dont know why) and helpful. This semester more than ever has been taking a toll on me. Ive never had this much work ever (im an engineering student), my friends from home are almost all going through issues, my parents are probably going to get divorced sometime soon, and im just completely confused as to where im going with my life. Ive only been to 2 sessions but this is something ive decided to do on my own, only 1 other person knows im going, her. Can anyone give me any words of advice? I realize that i have some things going on in my own life, but this girl also means soo much to me. I want to be there for her, and im scared that if we take this break we wont ever get back together even though she said that she would hopefully like to. Im confused, heart broken, and lonely, what do i do?