covering his controlling side with religion? help!

android12 · 11-09-2008, 08:41 PM

I'm dating a sri lankan hindu for over a year and a half now and im starting to see bit by bit more and more of his controlling side. He asked me not to show cleavage because of his culture and upbringing, and so i've been trying to cover up a little more to respect that - after all in relationships both parties must give and take.

Yesterday i was invited to dinner at his sister's house with some of their family friends etc and it was HOT and i was wearing a singlet top under a halter neck top. He told me to put a jumper on. I asked why. He said everyone could see my bra straps. I wasn't sure if it was a religious thing or not but before i could even ask he was already out of the car. i put the jumper on anyway but was really pissed off for a while. At the end of the night when he dropped me home he asked me why i was pissed off so i told him it was cos he made me wear a jumper, and i didn't see why i needed to and it wasn't fair because it was hot. he said you could see the straps because it wasn't a "sleeved top" and i told him, who cares?! its almost summer! i'm going to be wearing a lot of straps and singlet tops when it gets much warmer, not jumpers! i can't exactly remember wat he said after that, i think he just shrugged it off or something and we sat there in silence. then he asked me what i was thinking and i said lots of stuff etc. eventually i just said goodnight and got outta the car, and walked home. i got a message later that night saying "night babe. have fun with your hw(homework) tomorrow..." what does that mean!?

What is so wrong with showing arms?! i just don't understand. he made me look and feel like an idiot being the only one in a jumper! i have every right to wear what i want. i don't tell HIM what not to wear! and im already going out of my way to cover cleavage for him. how much more is he unhappy with me that he has to try and change everything! I'm not a muslim. I don't have to cover anything up - its not my religion. if he wants to be with a "white" girl then he has to accept me for who i am! grrr! im so angry! is he just using his "cultural upbringing" and "religion" to try and control me?

anyone have advice or ideas or suggestions on the issue? anyone gone through anything similar?

thanks guys

yumicecream · 11-09-2008, 09:06 PM

Too hard to tell. Could just be difficulties with cultural differences. To me, the story was kind of cute in a way.

android12 · 11-09-2008, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yumicecream

Too hard to tell. Could just be difficulties with cultural differences. To me, the story was kind of cute in a way.

i think im too close to the situation to tell...what was so cute about it?

as for cultural differences...i think its HIS personal preference to have me wear sleeves...not the culture

Bad Wolf · 11-09-2008, 09:25 PM

If he's not gonna respect your culture then dont respect his and if it was his personal preference about not wearing sleeves then tell him to get over it, there's no reason why you shouldnt wear them I think it's about time you told him who's boss...

Jelina · 11-09-2008, 09:26 PM

I think that if it bothers you then you should re-evaluate your relationship with him. Regardless of whether or not it's his religion, if you don't like it you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Jelina · 11-09-2008, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bad Wolf

If he's not gonna respect your culture then dont respect his and if it was his person preference about not wearing sleeves then tell him to get over it, there's no reason why you shouldnt wear them I think it's about time you told him who's boss...

I second that!

DN · 11-09-2008, 09:42 PM

Were there any other females there showing their bra straps?

shikashika · 11-09-2008, 10:22 PM

This depends, personally I would not want to date someone like this.

However, there is nothing wrong with being respectful in front of his family.. just like if I meet a boyfriend's great-grandmother on her 95th birthday, i'm going to behave differently and dress differently than when we are drinking beer at the pub with his colleagues.

I think there is nothing wrong with respecting his culture.

you say "he should respect my culture"... but I ask you, how are you respecting his?

android12 · 11-09-2008, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shikashika

This depends, personally I would not want to date someone like this.

However, there is nothing wrong with being respectful in front of his family.. just like if I meet a boyfriend's great-grandmother on her 95th birthday, i'm going to behave differently and dress differently than when we are drinking beer at the pub with his colleagues.

I think there is nothing wrong with respecting his culture.

you say "he should respect my culture"... but I ask you, how are you respecting his?

i think this is actually a harsh comment. i respect its your opinion but kinda find it uncalled for. i do many things to respect HIM and HIS culture. I have had to adjust who i am for him, the clothes i wear, how to act in front of his family, not NOT to act, i stopped going clubbing, don't even show the slightest LINE of my cleavage (even thought before i wasnt going out of my way TO show it), i have had to accept that his family won't go out of their way to talk to me in english and they still continue to talk to each other in front of me in tamil (their language), i accepted the fact that he can't be romantic or tactile in front of his family etc... and those are just SOME of them! i just don't feel like there is anything he has had to change for me. I never asked him to, and respect that he is him for him. i just want the same courtesy...is that so wrong!?

[edit] i forgot to mention...he doesnt want me to wear a bikini on the beach, and i have to wear shorts and something not revealing cleavage

android12 · 11-09-2008, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

Were there any other females there showing their bra straps?

no they weren't but i don't think its fair that i come straight from work to him and hes being picky about what im wearing. i can't change it as im not going home first, i dont see anything wrong with arms, the bra straps are just part of the other straps i was wearing so i dont see the big deal and to make me put on a jumper on such a hot day...its like he can't just deal with it and ask me for next time to bring a spear top or somethin in my bag...he just demands i put the jumper on so not to be ashamed of being with a white girl...if he's so ashamed then why be with me in the first place?!

11-09-2008, 08:41 PM	#1
android12 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 348	covering his controlling side with religion? help! I'm dating a sri lankan hindu for over a year and a half now and im starting to see bit by bit more and more of his controlling side. He asked me not to show cleavage because of his culture and upbringing, and so i've been trying to cover up a little more to respect that - after all in relationships both parties must give and take. Yesterday i was invited to dinner at his sister's house with some of their family friends etc and it was HOT and i was wearing a singlet top under a halter neck top. He told me to put a jumper on. I asked why. He said everyone could see my bra straps. I wasn't sure if it was a religious thing or not but before i could even ask he was already out of the car. i put the jumper on anyway but was really pissed off for a while. At the end of the night when he dropped me home he asked me why i was pissed off so i told him it was cos he made me wear a jumper, and i didn't see why i needed to and it wasn't fair because it was hot. he said you could see the straps because it wasn't a "sleeved top" and i told him, who cares?! its almost summer! i'm going to be wearing a lot of straps and singlet tops when it gets much warmer, not jumpers! i can't exactly remember wat he said after that, i think he just shrugged it off or something and we sat there in silence. then he asked me what i was thinking and i said lots of stuff etc. eventually i just said goodnight and got outta the car, and walked home. i got a message later that night saying "night babe. have fun with your hw(homework) tomorrow..." what does that mean!? What is so wrong with showing arms?! i just don't understand. he made me look and feel like an idiot being the only one in a jumper! i have every right to wear what i want. i don't tell HIM what not to wear! and im already going out of my way to cover cleavage for him. how much more is he unhappy with me that he has to try and change everything! I'm not a muslim. I don't have to cover anything up - its not my religion. if he wants to be with a "white" girl then he has to accept me for who i am! grrr! im so angry! is he just using his "cultural upbringing" and "religion" to try and control me? anyone have advice or ideas or suggestions on the issue? anyone gone through anything similar? thanks guys

11-09-2008, 09:26 PM	#5
Jelina Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: I'll never tell...I'll never tell :) Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 609	I think that if it bothers you then you should re-evaluate your relationship with him. Regardless of whether or not it's his religion, if you don't like it you shouldn't have to deal with it. __________________ Life is like photography, you develop from the negatives. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them...

11-09-2008, 09:42 PM	#7
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	Were there any other females there showing their bra straps? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

11-09-2008, 09:06 PM	#2
yumicecream Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 800	Too hard to tell. Could just be difficulties with cultural differences. To me, the story was kind of cute in a way.

11-09-2008, 09:25 PM	#4
Bad Wolf Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: New Zealand Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 823	If he's not gonna respect your culture then dont respect his and if it was his personal preference about not wearing sleeves then tell him to get over it, there's no reason why you shouldnt wear them I think it's about time you told him who's boss...

11-09-2008, 10:22 PM	#8
shikashika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 5,297	This depends, personally I would not want to date someone like this. However, there is nothing wrong with being respectful in front of his family.. just like if I meet a boyfriend's great-grandmother on her 95th birthday, i'm going to behave differently and dress differently than when we are drinking beer at the pub with his colleagues. I think there is nothing wrong with respecting his culture. you say "he should respect my culture"... but I ask you, how are you respecting his?