having therapy to recover from abusive relationship

Syntax · 11-05-2008, 05:27 PM

hi there..

I was in an abusive relationship around 5 years ago, and in the relationship I developed insecurities and anxieties. Unfortunately those feelings still persist to this day, so I feel anxious 24/7.

In my struggle to get better I have started CBT, and have had my second session today...The first session was really good because she made me see that the insecurities that I had in the relationship (that I was a coward), where actually rooted in earlier experiences I had in the past. Looking back at those episodes from a different perspective and in a new light made me feel much better, and after the first session I felt the best I had felt for a long time....this sort of wore of after a few day however...

Just had my second session today and we where looking more at the here and now, but i felt like my therapist was a bit lost, and we took an hour and didnt really get anywhere. She was struggling why I still felt anxious 5 years later, and asked if I thought I was oversensitive.

Because the trigger of my anxiety came from my abusive relationship she said maybe its best to do counselling about the relationship specifically, rather than do CBT..

Am just a bit disheartened and unsure of where to take things...

PsychGirly · 11-05-2008, 05:29 PM

You have to understand that psychologists aren't God. They don't know exactly what you've been through, & it takes a lot for them to catch up with all the details of your life, along with the details of your relationship. It's normal for her to be taking things slow. It's only the 2nd session. Don't be discouraged. Just keep attending the sessions & don't hold anything back. Lay everything out on the table, so that she can know exactly how to help you.

Victoria66 · 11-05-2008, 05:36 PM

I am glad that you getting help my friend!

Syntax · 11-05-2008, 05:39 PM

i just dont know whether to speak specifically about the relationship, because she seemed to want to talk more about the present...

I think ill get her to concentrate on the relationship...

Just a bit worried because things have been going on for so long....

gary1958 · 11-06-2008, 06:45 PM

When I went after being in an abusive relationship for 2 years. We talked one session about me and her and then it was all about me and getting me well. Finally after a couple of months, I said to her that we cant work on me if you wont even acknowledge the fact that I was abused. She said that you came in here so clinically depressed and beat up that I felt it was risky talking about that and chose to work on you and get your self esteem and confidence back. So I said, well we cant work on things anymore until you at least acknowledge that the feelings I have are true and real and that I have a right to feel this way. She finally said well along with her previously being diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety disorder I also think she is Bi-polar or has BPD and yes Gary you were emotionally and physically abused. So there is a method to there madness

Syntax · 11-26-2008, 04:08 PM

im not quite sure what you mean gary, can you elaborate..thanks

Aurian · 11-26-2008, 07:03 PM

I think he is trying to say that the therapist wanted to ease into potentially painful memories...?

Give it a try for another session or two, even tell her that you feel like its not quite working for you and why. You might just not mesh up well. I`ve been to several counselors/therepists, and sometimes it takes a bit to find one who suits you. They ARE people after all, and some people and communication styles worked better than others.

The Undead · 11-26-2008, 10:05 PM

Look not everyone can relate.

There is something called PTSD post traumatic stress syndrome, happens with soldiers in combat and any one else living in a constant state of fight or flight.

Eventually the body keeps making certain chemicals because you need it to survive. However it can lead to anxiety as well as severe depression.

And yes way after the incident. I'm forty four and the fifteen years of abuse my father put us through is still evident in my daily life.

That does not make you weak, on the contrary, I have survived where others would have fallen out.

My advice; get a psychologist that understands you, this one is not listening or can not relate. It happens, doctors are human.

And FYI, you are not a coward, you had the courage to leave didn't you?

Syntax · 11-27-2008, 05:27 AM

Thanks "the undead"..

i think im gonna take your advice and get a new therapist.....

To be honest, I found last night session with her disheartening. The previous weeks session she had set homework about how I can re-assure myself that the negative beliefs I developed in that relationship arent true. So what i did during the week was to look back on the abusive episodes but envisage how I must have been coming across during them. I recognised that the negative self image that i presumed was coming across during those episodes wasnt true, and that if i replayed the incidents in my head my behaviour was not condusive of the negative things my ex was saying to me "coward" etc etc..

Anyway, this form of self reassurance made me feel better, and when i went out on the sat night, i felt generally better in myself. When i told my therapist this, she initially said that its dangerous to rely on self-reassurance too much, cos that could perpertuate the anxiety, which made me feel disheartened, as I felt..well if i cant reassure myself, what am i meant to do? She also said, are you sure that your extra confidence wasnt just because of the drink?

She also said that I had a lot of faith in the CBT to solve my problem in a pessimistic tone, which i found disheartening...and also suggested that my anxiety wouldnt got away, but we can find ways to cope with it...

One of my main things is that I dont want to accept that I will never fully recover from this, as i dont want the actions of someone else to jeapordise the rest of my life. I want to recognise my self worth and be proud again. But the way she was talking last night is like theres no hope, which isnt helpful.....if she hasnt got confidence in this, then i dont have much confidence in her

The Undead · 11-27-2008, 09:29 PM

Well do not get disheartened, and do not lose hope.

This idea that suddenly we are all better after some therapy or this pill or that is not true.
It is a continual process, that starts with getting the right help.

However little by little things will begin to change if you keep at it.

11-05-2008, 05:27 PM	#1
Syntax Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Bradford Posts: 192	having therapy to recover from abusive relationship hi there.. I was in an abusive relationship around 5 years ago, and in the relationship I developed insecurities and anxieties. Unfortunately those feelings still persist to this day, so I feel anxious 24/7. In my struggle to get better I have started CBT, and have had my second session today...The first session was really good because she made me see that the insecurities that I had in the relationship (that I was a coward), where actually rooted in earlier experiences I had in the past. Looking back at those episodes from a different perspective and in a new light made me feel much better, and after the first session I felt the best I had felt for a long time....this sort of wore of after a few day however... Just had my second session today and we where looking more at the here and now, but i felt like my therapist was a bit lost, and we took an hour and didnt really get anywhere. She was struggling why I still felt anxious 5 years later, and asked if I thought I was oversensitive. Because the trigger of my anxiety came from my abusive relationship she said maybe its best to do counselling about the relationship specifically, rather than do CBT.. Am just a bit disheartened and unsure of where to take things...

11-05-2008, 05:29 PM	#2
PsychGirly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: LOS ANGELES Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 2,207	You have to understand that psychologists aren't God. They don't know exactly what you've been through, & it takes a lot for them to catch up with all the details of your life, along with the details of your relationship. It's normal for her to be taking things slow. It's only the 2nd session. Don't be discouraged. Just keep attending the sessions & don't hold anything back. Lay everything out on the table, so that she can know exactly how to help you. __________________ "LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY."

11-05-2008, 05:36 PM	#3
Victoria66 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: for now where the CF sends us Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 4,601	I am glad that you getting help my friend! __________________ ADHD= Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension. For my Indigo son. Know how to suffer and how to laugh. Mother Teresa If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa Run amok empath= the end of little miss nice girl. Tomorrow IS another day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EM7FaOc3Zk What Child Is This.

11-26-2008, 07:03 PM	#7
Aurian Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vancouver, Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 2,364	I think he is trying to say that the therapist wanted to ease into potentially painful memories...? Give it a try for another session or two, even tell her that you feel like its not quite working for you and why. You might just not mesh up well. I`ve been to several counselors/therepists, and sometimes it takes a bit to find one who suits you. They ARE people after all, and some people and communication styles worked better than others. __________________ How to spot a loser and understanding the abused victim: http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm Excellent articles!

11-05-2008, 05:39 PM	#4
Syntax Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Bradford Posts: 192	i just dont know whether to speak specifically about the relationship, because she seemed to want to talk more about the present... I think ill get her to concentrate on the relationship... Just a bit worried because things have been going on for so long....

11-06-2008, 06:45 PM	#5
gary1958 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 196	When I went after being in an abusive relationship for 2 years. We talked one session about me and her and then it was all about me and getting me well. Finally after a couple of months, I said to her that we cant work on me if you wont even acknowledge the fact that I was abused. She said that you came in here so clinically depressed and beat up that I felt it was risky talking about that and chose to work on you and get your self esteem and confidence back. So I said, well we cant work on things anymore until you at least acknowledge that the feelings I have are true and real and that I have a right to feel this way. She finally said well along with her previously being diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety disorder I also think she is Bi-polar or has BPD and yes Gary you were emotionally and physically abused. So there is a method to there madness

11-26-2008, 04:08 PM	#6
Syntax Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Bradford Posts: 192	im not quite sure what you mean gary, can you elaborate..thanks

11-26-2008, 10:05 PM	#8
The Undead Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 36	Look not everyone can relate. There is something called PTSD post traumatic stress syndrome, happens with soldiers in combat and any one else living in a constant state of fight or flight. Eventually the body keeps making certain chemicals because you need it to survive. However it can lead to anxiety as well as severe depression. And yes way after the incident. I'm forty four and the fifteen years of abuse my father put us through is still evident in my daily life. That does not make you weak, on the contrary, I have survived where others would have fallen out. My advice; get a psychologist that understands you, this one is not listening or can not relate. It happens, doctors are human. And FYI, you are not a coward, you had the courage to leave didn't you?

11-27-2008, 05:27 AM	#9
Syntax Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Bradford Posts: 192	Thanks "the undead".. i think im gonna take your advice and get a new therapist..... To be honest, I found last night session with her disheartening. The previous weeks session she had set homework about how I can re-assure myself that the negative beliefs I developed in that relationship arent true. So what i did during the week was to look back on the abusive episodes but envisage how I must have been coming across during them. I recognised that the negative self image that i presumed was coming across during those episodes wasnt true, and that if i replayed the incidents in my head my behaviour was not condusive of the negative things my ex was saying to me "coward" etc etc.. Anyway, this form of self reassurance made me feel better, and when i went out on the sat night, i felt generally better in myself. When i told my therapist this, she initially said that its dangerous to rely on self-reassurance too much, cos that could perpertuate the anxiety, which made me feel disheartened, as I felt..well if i cant reassure myself, what am i meant to do? She also said, are you sure that your extra confidence wasnt just because of the drink? She also said that I had a lot of faith in the CBT to solve my problem in a pessimistic tone, which i found disheartening...and also suggested that my anxiety wouldnt got away, but we can find ways to cope with it... One of my main things is that I dont want to accept that I will never fully recover from this, as i dont want the actions of someone else to jeapordise the rest of my life. I want to recognise my self worth and be proud again. But the way she was talking last night is like theres no hope, which isnt helpful.....if she hasnt got confidence in this, then i dont have much confidence in her

11-27-2008, 09:29 PM	#10
The Undead Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 36	Well do not get disheartened, and do not lose hope. This idea that suddenly we are all better after some therapy or this pill or that is not true. It is a continual process, that starts with getting the right help. However little by little things will begin to change if you keep at it.