Unease that this could end horribly

[Unease]

Hello to all of you...I debated for a couple of days over the wiseness of putting this situation out there, because of the situation, I really am that paranoid, but I really am that stuck as well.

I dont even know how to begin this. How can I properly convey the seriousness of this situation without coming across as dramatic? I will try to be as brief as possible, and just pray like crazy that someone out there has lived through this and can offer me some sort of consolation or advice on the matter.

Before I go any further, thank you for your time.

I wish to know if anyone has ever been involved with someone who was deranged, knew it, and used that fact to gain total compliance from you? An example of this is mentioning what they did to you and then asking you if you thought that someone as sick in the head as that was ever going to stop?

Mentioning at all what he did shows total awareness that he knew what he was doing, it also shows complete acceptance of what he did. And then to go a step further and actually admit that what he did was sick in the head shows awareness of his behaviour and self. But then to go even further than that and use that as proof that I should understand that he is never going to stop coming for me?

The real reason I am writing here is because I am scared for my future. I am safe now, but as things stand here today, at this moment, I cannot say that I will be okay in the future. By future, I do not mean several days, or even weeks. I mean to say many many months from now. I am positively ensured safety for at least about a year, but his current words are: "Make no mistake about this, if I do not speak with you throughout all of this, just know deep in your heart that I am coming back for you, because you belong to me".

I am in a relationship with a man (Who I will call Joe) who refuses to acknowledge what happened to me concerning this other man (Who I will call Greg). I dont know if it is because of denial, or guilt, or even embarrassment, but he seems to think that if I just tell this man to go away, he will. I know from past experience that "go away" does not work and only puts me in more danger because it enrages the one it is being said to.

Joe is a good hardworking man. He has a good heart. He is even tempered, realistic and dotes on me a little overmuch. He does have his negative traits like us all, but for the most part, he is a good man. He has a good family backround, he grew up the right way, whatever that means.

I on the other hand am a wreck. I have no family, never did. Same old story that you have heard before, abusive past, no love or support or stability, carried over to adult life until I met Joe. Joe has been the first real shot I had at stability and living an unchaotic life. I have been with him for a few years, and appreciate the calmness and stability that has came along with our relationship.

Recently, Joe has spoken of wanting to start having children. He has spoken of marriage too. Lately, he has been quite obvious about starting right away. There is nothing unusual there, it seems to be in order with the way life goes after you have shared your life with someone for several years whom you love and plan on spending a lifetime with. Added to that, we are both past our twenties (not overmuch) so there is that famous "timeclock" that everyone always hears about.

Which brings me along to the root of the problem. I cannot in good conscience bring a child into this world with Greg looming about in the distant distance. He has already threatened myself, Joe, and any child that could ever ask to be born to me. "Do not ever find yourself with child, or even married for that matter. If when I find you, and find you pregnant, or with a child and/or married, I will hurt you, child and him. You belong to me and only me. You are mine. I will hurt you really bad. Consider all that I have done to you already. Do you believe I am bluffing you in this matter? Was I bluffing you before when I (fill in sordid scenario(s) here)? Everything I said I was going to do to you I did. You know I do not want to hurt you, but if you do this, I am going to hurt you, really, really bad."

So naturally, what to do? Because Joe's favorite thing to do now is look at baby clothes when shopping, and has even gotten me warmed up to the idea (albeit not nearly as much as him) but I cant help but remember those words of Greg.

I know that many will probably recommend counseling, restraining orders and such. I will tell you that it has been recommended to me that in this particular scenario, a restraining order will actually enrage Greg more to the point of setting out to break it just to prove how noone can stop him when concerning me, and it might actually put me in more danger because should he find me again, he would not be likely to just make an obvious appearance so I could call the law, rather he would be stealthy and the chances of me escaping a second time (alive at that) are extremely thin.

Sometimes I think that I should just live my life, and worry about the future when it is upon me, because after all, lightening never strikes twice in the same place, now does it? But then I came across a documentary that actually disproves this theory and I panic-I was lucky enough to escape relatively intact the last time, but just barely so, this time I am almost certain that should Greg ever find me again, there will be no escaping, ever again. He is on to me now, and knows I played along only to keep myself safe while constantly searching for the opportunity to slip away.

I guess what I am looking for, in this drawn out post (I apologise) is advice and support from others who have been there, what they have done, and whether or not my instinct to not have a child yet is right on mark?

Thank you for your time.
*Unease

[Victoria66]

You need to live your life, do not let the wackadoodles of the world control your chance at happiness. Seriously, you found a good man to have a life with, tell Greg to take a hike and he does not scare you anymore.

[Unease]

Hi Victoria66...Thanks for your response..

You need to live your life, do not let the wackadoodles of the world control your chance at happiness. Seriously, you found a good man to have a life with, tell Greg to take a hike and he does not scare you anymore.

I think this situation is well past the point of just living carefree and telling Greg to take a hike. I missed that turn several hundred miles ago, like when he first spoke to me. Then would have been an appropriate time to tell him to take a hike, but like others who find themselves in a situation like this, I had no way of knowing he was a lunatic. When I first got a clue and scrambled like mad to close the gates, it was already way too late.

Joe is a good man, but he doesnt understand how dangerous this man is and can be. Even though Joe had experienced some of Greg's behaviour, he still doesnt think there is a cause for concern, even after things happened to me that were very straightforward and obvious and caused us to be seperated from one another, he still doesnt take this seriously.

Now I cringe every time Joe wants to become intimate with me. I make excuses, but they only last for so long until Joe becomes hurt and alerted that something isnt quite right. Lately now Joe has been feeling lousy and like I am not attracted to him, and dont love him as I used to. With every day that goes by I can feel his frustration deepening, and I want to tell him the real reason, but I am scared that will make him all the more upset, because he will process that as I am thinking about Greg.

Like I said, he doesnt believe what happened to me. He has long since forgotten Greg, and I can understand why. I would like to forget him too, but unfortunately in this case, out of sight, out of mind does not hold true.

[greensleeves]

I think that you should carry on with your life and not live in fear. You only have one life and whatever Greg did to you in the past, it's over. You said that he doesn't currently know where you are and chances are he has moved on to threatening and bullying someone else.

You should seek counselling to deal with this. I'm wondering why Joe doesn't believe you and that is concerning .

[Victoria66]

Originally Posted by greensleeves

I think that you should carry on with your life and not live in fear. You only have one life and whatever Greg did to you in the past, it's over. You said that he doesn't currently know where you are and chances are he has moved on to threatening and bullying someone else.

You should seek counselling to deal with this. I'm wondering why Joe doesn't believe you and that is concerning .

Yeah, that would make me think too. But if this is impairing your life to this degree then please get some help for it. It is true you have one life, enjoy it.

[Unease]

Hi Greensleeves, thank you for your response.

and whatever Greg did to you in the past, it's over.

Or is it? I know that the past is the past, but that is all I have to go on to keep myself safe for the future. And what the past is telling me is that he isnt done yet.

I think that you should carry on with your life and not live in fear.

For the most part, I have been, I just am worried about the future, because I dont think he is just bluffing me. There was a time when I thought he was just trying to scare me, and he was all bark and no bite, and I carried on my life in that fashion without giving any thought to the seriousness of the situation and I paid dearly for that. Now I know better.

I'm wondering why Joe doesn't believe you and that is concerning .

I am uncertain as to why he doesnt believe me. There is a lot of hostility towards me whenever I try to broach the subject, which isnt that often. The only reason I ever bring Greg and the situation up at all is to warn him that his life was threatened. I felt he had the right to know.

[greensleeves]

Maybe Joe is hostile about it because he feels that you're letting him interfere with the future the two of you should have together.

I don't think it's worth it to let a person who has treated you badly in the past dictate your future. If you allow that to happen, you're letting him continue to have control over you. I'm not saying not to be careful to some extent, but you need to carry on with your life. Would you rather spend your life childless and possibly alone because of this person or would you prefer to take control of your life?

[Unease]

Maybe Joe is hostile about it because he feels that you're letting him interfere with the future the two of you should have together.

Or maybe Joe is hostile about it because he doesnt have a clear understanding of domestic violence. He believes that simply telling someone to go away should work. He doesnt understand it and it is no wonder- He doesnt understand any of it because he is a normal, level headed healthy guy. In his head, when someone tells you "no" or "leave me alone", it means exactly that, which is exactly the way it should be. He has no concept of unhealthy thinking because he doesnt think that way. What his problem is, is fear. When we dont understand something, we tend to fear it. Or get angry about it. But it all boils down to fear.

I don't think it's worth it to let a person who has treated you badly in the past dictate your future. If you allow that to happen, you're letting him continue to have control over you. I'm not saying not to be careful to some extent, but you need to carry on with your life. Would you rather spend your life childless and possibly alone because of this person or would you prefer to take control of your life?

I am not allowing Greg to do anything at all. I am just trying to keep myself safe. I was lucky, really really lucky to escape him last time, I count my blessings, trust me. But I am also very very scared. I dont want to be so niave to think that he cant possibly find me, because that is what happened last time. I thought "oh, there is no way he could ever find me here, I am so far away, and I covered my tracks so well"...and then a little while later I started to feel safe, and then a little while after that I started to forget, and then guess what? He showed up.

Then there is the issue of Joe not believing me. If he doesnt believe me, then he wont help keep me safe either. Period. He will try to hinder me from doing the things I need to do to keep myself safe because he doesnt understand the situation and doesnt know which steps to take. I hate to say it, but Joe kind of helped Greg get to me last time, without even realizing it, even after I kept warning him and warning him.

I know this isnt going to get solved. But I am scared and it is causing me mental problems at the moment. Just wanted to reach out and hope that someone out there could share their experiences, and what worked for them, so I can learn from it too.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time out to read and respond.

[greensleeves]

Have you ever considered asking Joe to attend some counseling with you so that he could have a better understaning of what you're going through? Does he understand the statistics and what a serious problem this is?

I understand what a real threat it is...I have been stalked in the past by a former partner who was abusive. I was very young at the time and still living at home. It was so bad that my family ended up having to move out of the neighbourhood that we had all grown up in. The only thing that finally got rid of him was that he was sentanced to several years in prison for another violent crime.

Were there ever any charges laid against him for his previous abuse towards you and if not have you ever given it any consideration? I know it's a very frightening thought, but it might be worth going through if there is the possibility that it could put him in prison.

Getting back to Joe, have you given him the specifics of what Greg did to you? Even if it's difficult for you to talk about, it might be helpful for him to hear all of the painful details of what you went through. Maybe he needs to hear it. Some of the things that you've said about him are very concerning....that he doesn't believe you and that he led Greg back to you last time. These are serious problems that you need to confront if you want to have a happy and healthy future with him. Because really, the only surefire way to have Greg out of your life for good is to move to another part of the country, change your name and leave no trail. While this is very unfair, unfortunately it may be your only option and you would never be able to do this with Joe unless he's behind you 100%.