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  1. #1
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    Wife got drunk, cheated. Should I be Angry?

    So, my wife of three years was working out of town last month. She was hanging out with some old friends, partying and drinking and ended up "messing around" (her words) with someone. I probably would not have found out but she is now pregnant. It might be mine, it might be his.

    She insists that it was a one-time, drunk, stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right? I should tell her to get out. That's what happens on TV. But, I do not want to. I still love her and I find myself wondering what I did wrong to drive her to another man. The whole thing is completely out of character for her. I mean, she is usually pretty staid and controlled. I have actually tried to get her to loosen up a little and have a little fun but she would always resist me. Now this!

    Obviously, now I do not trust her. Has she done it before? Will she do it again? Am I just a pansy, wimpy push over? Am I an idiot? Even now, I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have somehow been a bad husband and I owe her a second chance. In the end, it is my decision. But, I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and I would love to hear from others who have dealt with the same thing. I feel like such a looser.
    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right?
    Hi and welcome to enotalone. Yes- you should be angry. I think just about anyone would in this situation.

    Has she apologized for her actions? Did she state "Why" she did it?

    From you post it does not sound like she has taken much responsibility for this.

    You have a lot of decisions to make. When the baby is born you should demand a paternity test.

    Also, does the other man know that she is pregnant?

    Carly, don't be sad
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  3. #3
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    I think it would be a bad sign if you weren't angry or hurt. I also understand why it is so hurtful that she can't lossen up and be open with you but has no issues when she is drunk and with a stranger.

    I really just could not tolerate cheating because forgiving them almost verifies that they can get away with it and I just couldn't ever trust that person again. I have enough self control even when drunk, I need someone that is on the same page.

    For better or for worse though, right? If she wasn't pregnant I would want out of the relationship. There is no need for harsh words or arguments...but just simply state that I need and deserve something better. You forgive her, but can't continue on.

    Pregnancy definitely puts a spin on things, but I still would stick to my original judgement and move on, get tests to see if it is your child. If it is, then take responsibility for him/her. If it isn't then walk away and let the guy who she messed around with take responsibility for his child. Hope that night was worth it :-/

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Scorpion Fury's Avatar
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    Yeah I'd be angry. Stop blaming yourself. She's an adult and she made a decision to cheat.

    I agree with Bella, she doesn't sound she's taken much responsibility for this. Is this the first time it's happened? Maybe. Maybe not. Do you think she would have told you if she wasn't pregnant?

    I don't believe that alcohol is ever an excuse for bad behavior.
    Your attitude determines your altitude.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DiamondBack View Post
    So, my wife of three years was working out of town last month. She was hanging out with some old friends, partying and drinking and ended up "messing around" (her words) with someone. I probably would not have found out but she is now pregnant. It might be mine, it might be his.

    She insists that it was a one-time, drunk, stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right? I should tell her to get out. That's what happens on TV. But, I do not want to. I still love her and I find myself wondering what I did wrong to drive her to another man. The whole thing is completely out of character for her. I mean, she is usually pretty staid and controlled. I have actually tried to get her to loosen up a little and have a little fun but she would always resist me. Now this!

    Obviously, now I do not trust her. Has she done it before? Will she do it again? Am I just a pansy, wimpy push over? Am I an idiot? Even now, I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have somehow been a bad husband and I owe her a second chance. In the end, it is my decision. But, I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and I would love to hear from others who have dealt with the same thing. I feel like such a looser.
    Thanks.
    First of all sorry about your situation.

    Secondly look at the evidence, had she cheated and knew it was a mistake and told you right away thatd look better. She waited a month to tell you or for you to find out. Whatever happened to make you know happened a month too late. And her excuse 'I was drunk' is the most used cheating excuse. Rob a bank and then tell the officer it was a mistake because you were drunk and then see how much sympathy he has for you. He'll probably nab you for drinking and driving AND robbing a bank.

    She has no respect for you. You are acting like a push-over. Looking for reasons for it to be your fault when your wife is at fault. You didnt give any background on how you treated her bad to want to stray. Anyways a good wife would communicate those problems and not stray.

    Kick her to the curb dude and get all the evidence you can of her infidelity. Your divorce lawyer will love you for it.

  7. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiamondBack View Post
    So, my wife of three years was working out of town last month. She was hanging out with some old friends, partying and drinking and ended up "messing around" (her words) with someone. I probably would not have found out but she is now pregnant. It might be mine, it might be his.

    She insists that it was a one-time, drunk, stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right? I should tell her to get out. That's what happens on TV. But, I do not want to. I still love her and I find myself wondering what I did wrong to drive her to another man. The whole thing is completely out of character for her. I mean, she is usually pretty staid and controlled. I have actually tried to get her to loosen up a little and have a little fun but she would always resist me. Now this!

    Obviously, now I do not trust her. Has she done it before? Will she do it again? Am I just a pansy, wimpy push over? Am I an idiot? Even now, I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have somehow been a bad husband and I owe her a second chance. In the end, it is my decision. But, I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and I would love to hear from others who have dealt with the same thing. I feel like such a looser.
    Thanks.
    You are not any of these. The reason you don't want to kick her out is because you love her, there is nothing you can do about your feelings. What you have to do is take a step back and ask yourself if you can get through this. The ball is in your court and if you decide to stay then you need to set some ground rules for her and seek counseling. She was wrong and you can't let her blame alcohol for her actions. How many times have you been drunk and had options but never gave in, I know I have had tons in past relationships. Don't beat yourself up.

  8. #7
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    Hey, it sounds like you're beating yourself up about this. Don't do that, there's no reason to. What she did was very wrong and betraying of your trust - it has nothing to do with you. The fact that she also didn't tell you, and you found out because she is pregnant, is much worse.

    I've been cheated on with the only one I've loved and it hurt like hell but I still didn't want to let her go, so I know how tough it can be to be in that spot.

    I think you should let your wife have it a little - let her know what she did is not okay, especially not telling you. don't let her take you for granted. and see if there is anything underlying.. does she have feelings for another guy, does she drink to escape feeling bad herself, or was it, as she said simply a drunken mistake? there is usually something underlying that, most people don't drunkenly cheat just cause they were 'stupid'.

    it's hard to know where to go after cheating - since it is such a huge betrayal of trust it's hard to repair a relationship after that. maybe go on a break, give each other some space - and see how she reacts too - if she seems sincerely apologetic, like it was the most terrible thing and she only wants to be with you, give her another chance perhaps. but if she seems to shrug it off and not give two sh*ts, i don't know if you're getting the love you deserve.

    hope that helped!

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by dogwood View Post
    maybe go on a break
    It's funny you should say that. I have thought of that but then it occurs to me that might have caused the problem in the first place. Remember, she had been out of town on business. I'm not sure a break would help.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Wow, she has not taken responsibility for her actions...which compounds the cheating problem. She trivializes it by calling it "messing around"...well, clearly she did more than just "mess around" she had full blown sex with him because she doesn't know who the father of her baby is. She blames it on alcohol...well that's a classic "I slept with someone and got myself into a jam, how do I get out of it" excuse. You may love her but she has completely disrespected you by cheating and now she is disrespecting you by trivializing it and not taking full responsibility. If you don't show her that there are consequences to the relationship in some way then she will further disrespect you.
    "A word to the kind: when I sense I'm hurting someone, I am. The fact that someone would be weak enough to tolerate that from me doesn't make me less responsible for my actions, it makes me more responsible". Catfeeder

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiamondBack View Post
    It's funny you should say that. I have thought of that but then it occurs to me that might have caused the problem in the first place. Remember, she had been out of town on business. I'm not sure a break would help.
    Out of town on business is not a break...it is not an excuse to cheat. Even going on a break because of infidelity is not an excuse to continue sleeping with other men. Going on a break is for her to understand that cheating is wrong, hurtful and has dire consequences to the relationship. If she takes it as an excuse to have more sex with other men then this relationship can't be salvaged.
    "A word to the kind: when I sense I'm hurting someone, I am. The fact that someone would be weak enough to tolerate that from me doesn't make me less responsible for my actions, it makes me more responsible". Catfeeder

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