my husband is a sex addict...

confused gir · 10-20-2008, 08:02 PM

My husband of 15 years has always had a problem with infidelity. Our first three years together there were 6 different women alone (we were married very young i was 18 he was 23) after some time we moved on from that and had 7 very happy years. I have come to learn it has resurfased again because we have in the past 5 years had close friendships with other couples and other people. (it had been primarily just us and family hanging out during those years) Its those relationships that he has used and had sexual affairs 3 times with two different women in the last 3 1/2 both close friends of mine. He says that its the sex because of the addiction which I beleive to some extent but it dosnt change how much it hurts! Now he is going to go into a 12step program and really try to get this under control for the first time ever. I just dont know if I can take anymore hurt, I'm always expecting it and talking myself into beleiving him when deep down I dont. I sound like such a fool... I am just looking for any advice words of wisdom or just encouragment from anyone who might have any similar expierences.

Thank you for reading it feels better to get some of it off my chest.

redhearts · 10-20-2008, 08:09 PM

Sorry to hear. First though, have you gotten tested?

Next maybe you should see a therapist. Do you want to stay in this marriage?

LBP · 10-20-2008, 08:16 PM

I don't see why you tolerate the disrespect. What is it he gives you that makes the insults worth bearing?

saltandvinegar · 10-20-2008, 08:18 PM

sometimes the fact that something has a label (ie: sex addict) makes it seem more acceptable, when reality, your husband has treated you badly over and over again. Cheating is cheating, whether its sex addiction or not.

Im sure some people will disagree though.

How would you feel if this label didnt exist? Would you still be wanting him?

confused gir · 10-20-2008, 08:20 PM

Yeah I have gotten tested with the exception of this last one I just found out over the weekend. We have been in Marrige counseling for about 5 mos, but turns out he hasnt been very honest because of his secret, now I found out, he didnt tell me I just happend to see his txts on his phone, I'm wondering if I have been an enabler??

confused gir · 10-20-2008, 08:24 PM

Im not sure to be honest, I cant help but wonder maybe he really can get better, he says he has to have something to work for and I think he needs to do it for himself if for anybody. I honestly dont really know why I have stayed for so long, he works for a living but we r still always struggling, he dosnt spend much time with our two kids because he's usually off doing his own thing with his friends. I think sometimes I'm still here because I dont know anything different... I know kinda sad but so true.....

miracle29 · 10-20-2008, 08:24 PM

Holy My Mona! I'm so sorry to hear this. This is so sad.
U deserve better and this is so far from a real marriage I don't know why you would even call it that anymore.

Its like you're married, but he's this swinger.

I don't usually promote divorce, but I can't think of any better solution to your pain than to cut this man off. He will never be true to you and him blaming it on "sex addiction" but not trying to "get to a counselor tells me hes a lost cause.

Get tested please, to make sure you don't have something. And get a Lawyer .

redhearts · 10-20-2008, 08:25 PM

Do you have any family or friends to turn to? He may be using the sex addict as a way to get out, like it makes it "more acceptable" but yes he did cheat. I agree cheating is cheating. He has no excuses for his behavior. I think you need to seek out being on your own.

LBP · 10-20-2008, 08:29 PM

What does he do for a living? If you say bartender, I'm gonna have to say that this is a lost cause.

he has to have something to work for? Making you happy isn't worth working for?? Come on, think about what you're saying here! Why would he be doing this 'for himself'? Right now he gets to have all the sex he wants while you do nothing to stop him! There's nothing to be gained, from his point of view. He already has everything he wants with no danger of repercussion... Think about that...

HeartGoesOn · 10-20-2008, 09:17 PM

I'm not sure if I lost count or not, but I'm reading it as he cheated with a total of 9 different women?

This is only my personal opinion, but I believe "sex addiction" is just another fancy term for, "having your cake, and eating it too."

I'm so sorry you're in this mess, but you need to get rid of this jack***, before he brings you an "STD" from his wandering ways.

Take care...

10-20-2008, 08:02 PM	#1
confused gir Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: USA Gender: Female Posts: 7	my husband is a sex addict... My husband of 15 years has always had a problem with infidelity. Our first three years together there were 6 different women alone (we were married very young i was 18 he was 23) after some time we moved on from that and had 7 very happy years. I have come to learn it has resurfased again because we have in the past 5 years had close friendships with other couples and other people. (it had been primarily just us and family hanging out during those years) Its those relationships that he has used and had sexual affairs 3 times with two different women in the last 3 1/2 both close friends of mine. He says that its the sex because of the addiction which I beleive to some extent but it dosnt change how much it hurts! Now he is going to go into a 12step program and really try to get this under control for the first time ever. I just dont know if I can take anymore hurt, I'm always expecting it and talking myself into beleiving him when deep down I dont. I sound like such a fool... I am just looking for any advice words of wisdom or just encouragment from anyone who might have any similar expierences. Thank you for reading it feels better to get some of it off my chest.

10-20-2008, 08:18 PM	#4
saltandvinegar Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Crapsville. Gender: Female Posts: 352	sometimes the fact that something has a label (ie: sex addict) makes it seem more acceptable, when reality, your husband has treated you badly over and over again. Cheating is cheating, whether its sex addiction or not. Im sure some people will disagree though. How would you feel if this label didnt exist? Would you still be wanting him? __________________ "Don't Count Your Friends, Keep 'Em". - H.W.P 20/12/1933 - 19/4/2006 To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

10-20-2008, 08:24 PM	#7
miracle29 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Dudes..I'm In FLA now! Yayyy Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 1,532	Holy My Mona! I'm so sorry to hear this. This is so sad. U deserve better and this is so far from a real marriage I don't know why you would even call it that anymore. Its like you're married, but he's this swinger. I don't usually promote divorce, but I can't think of any better solution to your pain than to cut this man off. He will never be true to you and him blaming it on "sex addiction" but not trying to "get to a counselor tells me hes a lost cause. Get tested please, to make sure you don't have something. And get a Lawyer . __________________ From the Movie Step Brothers Brennan plays on drumset] Dale: "Did you touch my drumset?" Brennan: "Nope." Dale: "Why are you so sweaty?" Brennan: "I was watching cops." Dale: "Liar, I know Cops starts at 4"

10-20-2008, 09:17 PM	#10
HeartGoesOn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Posts: 2,660	I'm not sure if I lost count or not, but I'm reading it as he cheated with a total of 9 different women? This is only my personal opinion, but I believe "sex addiction" is just another fancy term for, "having your cake, and eating it too." I'm so sorry you're in this mess, but you need to get rid of this jack***, before he brings you an "STD" from his wandering ways. Take care... __________________ ~ Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance. ~

10-20-2008, 08:09 PM	#2
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	Sorry to hear. First though, have you gotten tested? Next maybe you should see a therapist. Do you want to stay in this marriage?

10-20-2008, 08:16 PM	#3
LBP Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,643	I don't see why you tolerate the disrespect. What is it he gives you that makes the insults worth bearing?

10-20-2008, 08:20 PM	#5
confused gir Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: USA Gender: Female Posts: 7	Yeah I have gotten tested with the exception of this last one I just found out over the weekend. We have been in Marrige counseling for about 5 mos, but turns out he hasnt been very honest because of his secret, now I found out, he didnt tell me I just happend to see his txts on his phone, I'm wondering if I have been an enabler??

10-20-2008, 08:25 PM	#8
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	Do you have any family or friends to turn to? He may be using the sex addict as a way to get out, like it makes it "more acceptable" but yes he did cheat. I agree cheating is cheating. He has no excuses for his behavior. I think you need to seek out being on your own.

10-20-2008, 08:29 PM	#9
LBP Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,643	What does he do for a living? If you say bartender, I'm gonna have to say that this is a lost cause. he has to have something to work for? Making you happy isn't worth working for?? Come on, think about what you're saying here! Why would he be doing this 'for himself'? Right now he gets to have all the sex he wants while you do nothing to stop him! There's nothing to be gained, from his point of view. He already has everything he wants with no danger of repercussion... Think about that...