Trust in relationship: Gf smoking behind my back - update

MT1981 · 10-18-2008, 06:02 PM

Hi Guys,

I posted a week ago regarding trusting my gf with her smoking etc - for those who dont know what I am on about:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=251214

And well, have had a chat to her over the last week. I got her to tell me why she didnt mention anything. She said she was scared id get angry. I told that I am not going to get angry and drive her away, and told her why I was feeling upset etc.

Next morning got up at 4.30am, wrote her an email apologising that I had been a jerk on her birthday week - and that I should have been more mindful of things. Bought her a pair of ear rings to say that I am truly sorry, and told her that I will try and support her through everything. Not going to always buy her out though - but this time, it was her birthday week, and i ruined it, and i just felt terrible about it!

Last night at her family dinner - she told me at the restaurant "hun, im just going to go outside with my aunty ok?" I looked at her cos i knew what she was goign to do, and she said "yes, I am going to have one". I said "ok", and she gave me a little hug and said "thanks for being understanding" to which I said "well I have no choice bub". She had 3 at the restaurant.

The family dinner was great - her family, aunt and uncle are just fantastic people. Had a great time. But i was still a little sad about her smoking. So before I left her house, she could see that I was upset about it. and she said she is trying to quit it, but when she drinks wine, she associates it with smoking, so she has to have one. And she had one when I was leaving too.

so I told her, im not mad, im trying to support her, but I find it hard to understand what its like to be a smoker, and I cant deny how I feel about these things. I mentioned, that it seems that when she drinks she just goes overboard, and doesnt know when to stop - and thats why shes smoking. She said, that shes scared that I will leave her. I told her that its rubbish - i wont leave her, because I promised id stick by her and make her the happiest woman ever by making her my wife. I also told her that its natural for me to feel like this cos I want her to be happy and healthy. And I told her, shes got to want to do it, not me telling her all the time.

I think its going to be really hard for me to support her - but I am going to have to do it. I just have to put away my own feelings - or atleast bury them for a bit, and focus on helping her through. She is the love of my life, and she really deserves a lot because she has not had good relationships in the past.

What do you guys think? Any advice on how I can support her more?

Maelstrom X · 10-18-2008, 06:10 PM

She's a smoker and she'll quit when she wants to. Who are you, her dad? If you don't like it dump her. It pathetic that she has to almost ask your permission to go outside and smoke.

**arwen** · 10-18-2008, 06:17 PM

I think that the best support is just to be there and not create more pressure on her quitting. It's not something you can make her do. I understand it's very frustrating to see someone struggling with this habit, but keep in mind that it's an addiction. She doesn't do this to upset you.

She goes behind your back (I think) for two reasons.

* The first is that IF it was possible to go behind her own back, she would. She's really embarrassed that the addiction is stronger sometimes.
*Second, she doesn't want to upset you. She is probably really aware of how it makes you feel and yet the addiction makes her want to smoke even more when she feels guilty. It's one of the many circles of the addiction- I speak from experience.

If I were you, I'd not address the issue and see what she does herself. In fact, trusting her to quit and saying her she is strong enough to do it- that is the best support. My bf never made an issue of it, although he is STRONGLY opposed to smoking, and when I quit he was always there. He would listen to my rants, dry my tears (I had a hard time!), and constantly say:

"I know you're never gonna smoke again".

It really helped me. It's been a year and 4 months now that I quit, and I will never touch a cigarette again.

MT1981 · 10-18-2008, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maelstrom X

She's a smoker and she'll quit when she wants to. Who are you, her dad? If you don't like it dump her. It pathetic that she has to almost ask your permission to go outside and smoke.

she wasnt asking for permission - merely telling me where she was going.

Both of us do that. Like for instance, when I was at her beach house with her, and I had to go to the local supermarket - I just tell her that Im going there to buy some stuff for dinner, and if she needs anything. Or like last night, when I had to go to the mens, i just told her that Im going to the mens.

Its just somethign that we do.

Permission is like if she goes "hun, can i go outside for a smoke?" or if I go "babe, can I go to the supermarket to buy stuff for food"

MT1981 · 10-18-2008, 06:24 PM

Thank you for that reply - thats exactly the kind of reply I was looking for. Not something like the other poster posted.

I think you are right, arwen. I will have to let her know that I trust her and that she will beat it on her own. And when she does, I will be there for her. And yes, she did feel ashamed for keeping on doing it. But she knows now, that she doesnt have to be - cos Im sticking by her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by arwen

I think that the best support is just to be there and not create more pressure on her quitting. It's not something you can make her do. I understand it's very frustrating to see someone struggling with this habit, but keep in mind that it's an addiction. She doesn't do this to upset you.

She goes behind your back (I think) for two reasons.

* The first is that IF it was possible to go behind her own back, she would. She's really embarrassed that the addiction is stronger sometimes.
*Second, she doesn't want to upset you. She is probably really aware of how it makes you feel and yet the addiction makes her want to smoke even more when she feels guilty. It's one of the many circles of the addiction- I speak from experience.

If I were you, I'd not address the issue and see what she does herself. In fact, trusting her to quit and saying her she is strong enough to do it- that is the best support. My bf never made an issue of it, although he is STRONGLY opposed to smoking, and when I quit he was always there. He would listen to my rants, dry my tears (I had a hard time!), and constantly say:

"I know you're never gonna smoke again".

It really helped me. It's been a year and 4 months now that I quit, and I will never touch a cigarette again.

**arwen** · 10-18-2008, 06:45 PM

i am glad to be of help. Quitting smoking is something I am very proud of- and I can really understand how difficult it is to deal with it when you haven't been smoking yourself (never start on that, I think every smoker regrets the day he touched the first one!).

The factor trust is really a big one- but most importantly SHE has to trust herself that she will be able to do it. This is where you can help. Of course by having a healthy lifestyle and not smoking yourself- I think you also motivate her indirectly in wanting to quit. I mean, I really loved that my bf never smoked- I saw he was perfectly happy without cigarettes (which for an addict is really hard to imagine), and that made me want to quit too. Still it took me about a year into the relationship to really decide that this was going to be The Moment. I really wanted to make my body clean and fit, because I want to start a family.

What was her main motivation when she quit, do you think?

MT1981 · 10-18-2008, 06:52 PM

Yes - thats what she was saying - she regrets ever starting it (everytime I hear that, I just give her a cuddle - cos I can feel her saddness)

Her main motivation is basically me - cos shes never had anyone who treated her with respect and who put her on a pedestal. And she also knows that because I am doing everything to better myself - ie eating right, exercising, going for my goals and dreams - she also wants to better herself. I guess also, similar to what you said - she also wants a family (She told her best friend that she wanted to have kids with me later on down the track.) - and this is something that she never saw with her ex's.

So I guess, I have indirectly motivated her to take charge and better her lifestyle.......

Quote:

Originally Posted by arwen

i am glad to be of help. Quitting smoking is something I am very proud of- and I can really understand how difficult it is to deal with it when you haven't been smoking yourself (never start on that, I think every smoker regrets the day he touched the first one!).

The factor trust is really a big one- but most importantly SHE has to trust herself that she will be able to do it. This is where you can help. Of course by having a healthy lifestyle and not smoking yourself- I think you also motivate her indirectly in wanting to quit. I mean, I really loved that my bf never smoked- I saw he was perfectly happy without cigarettes (which for an addict is really hard to imagine), and that made me want to quit too. Still it took me about a year into the relationship to really decide that this was going to be The Moment. I really wanted to make my body clean and fit, because I want to start a family.

What was her main motivation when she quit, do you think?

civilservant · 10-18-2008, 07:30 PM

You may not have liked Maelstroms reply, but he had a point. I'm a smoker, yeah its a disgusting habit and I know it, but if I want to smoke thats my choice. It won't help her to quit if you judge her (which you do, clearly) when she has one. There are very few people who can go cold turkey you know.

theartofruin · 10-18-2008, 07:32 PM

I skimmed through your old post too --- when you got together had she quit smoking? Did/does she know how much you dislike it? The way it reads it seems like she deceived you, and is now basically telling you to suck it up and accept that she's going to do it anyway.

Me and my girlfriend had a big fight about a similar thing a couple of months ago - I despise it and she knew that and seemed to say she felt the same way, yet one night at hers her friend invites her out for a smoke and it turns out she's a 'casual smoker'. BS as far as I'm concerned.

civilservant · 10-18-2008, 07:34 PM

Ruin- how did that resolve itself? By the tone of your post I'm guessing she dosent anymore?

Oh by the way, social smoking exsists, that and peer pressure is how most people start.

10-18-2008, 06:02 PM	#1
MT1981 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Melbourne, Australia Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 251	Trust in relationship: Gf smoking behind my back - update Hi Guys, I posted a week ago regarding trusting my gf with her smoking etc - for those who dont know what I am on about: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=251214 And well, have had a chat to her over the last week. I got her to tell me why she didnt mention anything. She said she was scared id get angry. I told that I am not going to get angry and drive her away, and told her why I was feeling upset etc. Next morning got up at 4.30am, wrote her an email apologising that I had been a jerk on her birthday week - and that I should have been more mindful of things. Bought her a pair of ear rings to say that I am truly sorry, and told her that I will try and support her through everything. Not going to always buy her out though - but this time, it was her birthday week, and i ruined it, and i just felt terrible about it! Last night at her family dinner - she told me at the restaurant "hun, im just going to go outside with my aunty ok?" I looked at her cos i knew what she was goign to do, and she said "yes, I am going to have one". I said "ok", and she gave me a little hug and said "thanks for being understanding" to which I said "well I have no choice bub". She had 3 at the restaurant. The family dinner was great - her family, aunt and uncle are just fantastic people. Had a great time. But i was still a little sad about her smoking. So before I left her house, she could see that I was upset about it. and she said she is trying to quit it, but when she drinks wine, she associates it with smoking, so she has to have one. And she had one when I was leaving too. so I told her, im not mad, im trying to support her, but I find it hard to understand what its like to be a smoker, and I cant deny how I feel about these things. I mentioned, that it seems that when she drinks she just goes overboard, and doesnt know when to stop - and thats why shes smoking. She said, that shes scared that I will leave her. I told her that its rubbish - i wont leave her, because I promised id stick by her and make her the happiest woman ever by making her my wife. I also told her that its natural for me to feel like this cos I want her to be happy and healthy. And I told her, shes got to want to do it, not me telling her all the time. I think its going to be really hard for me to support her - but I am going to have to do it. I just have to put away my own feelings - or atleast bury them for a bit, and focus on helping her through. She is the love of my life, and she really deserves a lot because she has not had good relationships in the past. What do you guys think? Any advice on how I can support her more?

10-18-2008, 06:17 PM	#3
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	I think that the best support is just to be there and not create more pressure on her quitting. It's not something you can make her do. I understand it's very frustrating to see someone struggling with this habit, but keep in mind that it's an addiction. She doesn't do this to upset you. She goes behind your back (I think) for two reasons. * The first is that IF it was possible to go behind her own back, she would. She's really embarrassed that the addiction is stronger sometimes. Second, she doesn't want to upset you. She is probably really aware of how it makes you feel and yet the addiction makes her want to smoke even more when she feels guilty. It's one of the many circles of the addiction- I speak from experience. If I were you, I'd not address the issue and see what she does herself. In fact, trusting her to quit and saying her she is strong enough to do it- that is the best support. My bf never made an issue of it, although he is STRONGLY opposed to smoking, and when I quit he was always there. He would listen to my rants, dry my tears (I had a hard time!), and constantly say: "I know you're never gonna smoke again". It really helped me. It's been a year and 4 months now that I quit, and I will never touch a cigarette again. __________________ You always have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

10-18-2008, 06:45 PM	#6
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	i am glad to be of help. Quitting smoking is something I am very proud of- and I can really understand how difficult it is to deal with it when you haven't been smoking yourself (never start on that, I think every smoker regrets the day he touched the first one!). The factor trust is really a big one- but most importantly SHE has to trust herself that she will be able to do it. This is where you can help. Of course by having a healthy lifestyle and not smoking yourself- I think you also motivate her indirectly in wanting to quit. I mean, I really loved that my bf never smoked- I saw he was perfectly happy without cigarettes (which for an addict is really hard to imagine), and that made me want to quit too. Still it took me about a year into the relationship to really decide that this was going to be The Moment. I really wanted to make my body clean and fit, because I want to start a family. What was her main motivation when she quit, do you think? __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

10-18-2008, 07:30 PM	#8
civilservant Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,055	You may not have liked Maelstroms reply, but he had a point. I'm a smoker, yeah its a disgusting habit and I know it, but if I want to smoke thats my choice. It won't help her to quit if you judge her (which you do, clearly) when she has one. There are very few people who can go cold turkey you know. __________________ "To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have" ~ Anon "Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed oppenent" ~ Anon "A real leader faces the music, even if he dosen't like the tune" ~ Anon

10-18-2008, 07:34 PM	#10
civilservant Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,055	Ruin- how did that resolve itself? By the tone of your post I'm guessing she dosent anymore? Oh by the way, social smoking exsists, that and peer pressure is how most people start. __________________ "To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have" ~ Anon "Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed oppenent" ~ Anon "A real leader faces the music, even if he dosen't like the tune" ~ Anon

10-18-2008, 06:10 PM	#2
Maelstrom X Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: new york Gender: Male Posts: 203	She's a smoker and she'll quit when she wants to. Who are you, her dad? If you don't like it dump her. It pathetic that she has to almost ask your permission to go outside and smoke.

10-18-2008, 07:32 PM	#9
theartofruin Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: England Gender: Male Posts: 305	I skimmed through your old post too --- when you got together had she quit smoking? Did/does she know how much you dislike it? The way it reads it seems like she deceived you, and is now basically telling you to suck it up and accept that she's going to do it anyway. Me and my girlfriend had a big fight about a similar thing a couple of months ago - I despise it and she knew that and seemed to say she felt the same way, yet one night at hers her friend invites her out for a smoke and it turns out she's a 'casual smoker'. BS as far as I'm concerned.