the psychology of first loves

brent642 · 10-14-2008, 03:47 PM

what's your idea on first loves who dump and then are dumped themselves?

to put this into perspective...my gf of 2.5 years dumped me a month ago(most likely because of GiG syndrome)...she was my first love and she knew that, and STILL KNOWS THAT...but I was her 2nd love because her first dumped her way back before me. however, she "fell" more into love with me way more than him(like 1000x more lol).

my question is she was hurt, practically devastated when her bf did this to her long ago, now she did it to me...ironically now he wants to get back with her, but she doesn't want anything to do with him...hmm...

thoughts anyone?

jettison · 10-14-2008, 04:28 PM

My first thought is to be very wary of attributing psychological syndromes of any kind to your ex as evidence as to why they may have dumped you. This is a VERY common thing that dumpees employ in order to rationalize why they were dumped, and attribute blame to the ex's "mental instability" rather then the fact that, perhaps, the ex lover just didn't love them anymore, or else just wasn't interested in being in a relationship with them any longer.

There is a reason why so many people refer to their ex's as "my crazy ex". It's because it protects our egos to imagine that this person who rejected us did so because they were "crazy". None of us ever want to be made to feel like we are somehow unworthy of another's undying love and affection, and this is taken as a great out for the forlorn.

In any case, most people go their whole lives struggling in and out of relationships. Sometimes, you hear "my relationship is for the most part amazing!" and this same person might describe their relationship as toast and near its end only a week later. We are, in general, a fickle, flighty bunch when it comes to matters of our hearts.

The best perspective is always to realize that you could have been anyone that was dumped. There is no need to always personalize and internalize a dumping even though we all do this at least a little bit while we're processing. Most often, we are "everyman" and "everywoman". We could have been anyone at all, met any kind of romantic measure or threshold, and still it wouldn't work out if it didn't in fact work out.

Puo · 10-14-2008, 05:13 PM

Early on, when I first came across the idea of G.I.G.S., I also assumed that this was the reason my ex left me. She even once claimed (Before I knew it was the same thing) that she was going thru a "quarter-life crisis."

Who knows. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. She's off dating other guys (on guy#3 now, 4 months. I just like repeating that fact because it still amazes me heh), but it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than she's just dating other people. Obviously it means she doesn't love me. Obviously it means she doesn't want to be with me.

Either way, like jettison said, assuming syndromes or mental illnesses is nothing more than trying to help ourselves rationalize what has happened to us. It's normal, but isn't always healthy.

I still have that feeling of hope. However, I want to get rid of it. And the best way to do so is to move on, continue with my NC, and get on with my life. It sucks, but I know I feel much better than I did 1-2 weeks after the break up. Hopefully another woman will come along and make me forget about my ex.

Mayday11 · 10-14-2008, 05:41 PM

LOL, I think people take the term "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" a bit too literally. Of course, it's not some identifying mental condition or anything, it's actually a pretty natural and normal thing. We do it throughout our lives when we change jobs, move to a new house, buy a new car, etc.

Not wanting to feel like your settling, not wanting to feel like you're missing out and not wanting to feel like you need more experience is quite understandable.

10-14-2008, 03:47 PM	#1
brent642 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 78	the psychology of first loves what's your idea on first loves who dump and then are dumped themselves? to put this into perspective...my gf of 2.5 years dumped me a month ago(most likely because of GiG syndrome)...she was my first love and she knew that, and STILL KNOWS THAT...but I was her 2nd love because her first dumped her way back before me. however, she "fell" more into love with me way more than him(like 1000x more lol). my question is she was hurt, practically devastated when her bf did this to her long ago, now she did it to me...ironically now he wants to get back with her, but she doesn't want anything to do with him...hmm... thoughts anyone?

10-14-2008, 04:28 PM	#2
jettison Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,964	My first thought is to be very wary of attributing psychological syndromes of any kind to your ex as evidence as to why they may have dumped you. This is a VERY common thing that dumpees employ in order to rationalize why they were dumped, and attribute blame to the ex's "mental instability" rather then the fact that, perhaps, the ex lover just didn't love them anymore, or else just wasn't interested in being in a relationship with them any longer. There is a reason why so many people refer to their ex's as "my crazy ex". It's because it protects our egos to imagine that this person who rejected us did so because they were "crazy". None of us ever want to be made to feel like we are somehow unworthy of another's undying love and affection, and this is taken as a great out for the forlorn. In any case, most people go their whole lives struggling in and out of relationships. Sometimes, you hear "my relationship is for the most part amazing!" and this same person might describe their relationship as toast and near its end only a week later. We are, in general, a fickle, flighty bunch when it comes to matters of our hearts. The best perspective is always to realize that you could have been anyone that was dumped. There is no need to always personalize and internalize a dumping even though we all do this at least a little bit while we're processing. Most often, we are "everyman" and "everywoman". We could have been anyone at all, met any kind of romantic measure or threshold, and still it wouldn't work out if it didn't in fact work out. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

10-14-2008, 05:13 PM	#3
Puo Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joisey Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 89	Early on, when I first came across the idea of G.I.G.S., I also assumed that this was the reason my ex left me. She even once claimed (Before I knew it was the same thing) that she was going thru a "quarter-life crisis." Who knows. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. She's off dating other guys (on guy#3 now, 4 months. I just like repeating that fact because it still amazes me heh), but it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than she's just dating other people. Obviously it means she doesn't love me. Obviously it means she doesn't want to be with me. Either way, like jettison said, assuming syndromes or mental illnesses is nothing more than trying to help ourselves rationalize what has happened to us. It's normal, but isn't always healthy. I still have that feeling of hope. However, I want to get rid of it. And the best way to do so is to move on, continue with my NC, and get on with my life. It sucks, but I know I feel much better than I did 1-2 weeks after the break up. Hopefully another woman will come along and make me forget about my ex.

10-14-2008, 05:41 PM	#4
Mayday11 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 485	LOL, I think people take the term "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" a bit too literally. Of course, it's not some identifying mental condition or anything, it's actually a pretty natural and normal thing. We do it throughout our lives when we change jobs, move to a new house, buy a new car, etc. Not wanting to feel like your settling, not wanting to feel like you're missing out and not wanting to feel like you need more experience is quite understandable.