Beginning to hate my parents.

Coffee80 · 10-07-2008, 02:09 PM

I first came here with a broken heart then to talk about my dad cheating on my mom and now it is worse.

I am not even sure if people of my age have problems with their parents. I always thought it was a teenage thing.

Me: I am 27, F, Single. I live at home with parents. I have two younger siblings (26 & 19). I am a normal girl with a good degree and have been working for 7 years of my life. I used to live in Europe until 3 years ago and came back to where my parents are because they wanted me home until I got married and also my younger siblings had gone away to universities. I found a good job once I came back home and was working until last month. I quit my job since splitting with my ex and it was no longer easy to work together.

My Problem: Ours was an average family and there were some good time in spite of all the normal problems in the family. My parents were terrible to me because they had an unhappy marriage. if anyone had to bear the brunt of my parent’s issues it was me – because I was the eldest. I had a hard time in my teens and if I had not chosen to forgive my parents, we would have been still hostile. One thing I cannot still comprehend is that when I first got my periods, my mom cursed me like it was something i did wrong!! Living in Europe for 5 years broadened my outlook and I learnt to let go of a lot of things and when my parents asked me to come home , I came back with an open heart and actually looked forward to having some good time.

My mom continued to be mean, bitter, controlling, abusive, intolerant ( as she always was) and every time we had an argument she would tell me that she wishes I would get lost and life was better for her when I was away. She always had the habit of telling mean, untrue things to win an argument. I considered all these as her ‘issues’ or ‘frustrations’ of not having been able to make it big career wise.

Earlier this year I found my dad was having an affair. It tore me apart because he was my comfort blanket in my growing up years. I tried sorting it without letting mom no. He wouldn’t change. I got my siblings involved. He wouldn’t budge & I thought it was now time for mom to get involved though she would be hurt. But they wanted to save her from being hurt and did not allow me to tell mom. Finally mom had to know the truth and all hell broke loose. But she decided to give him another chance and we all decided to put all the bad things behind us. But in reality my dad had not forgiven me because if it was not for me no one would probably find him cheating (as my mom blindly trusted him and my siblings weren’t home).

Well my mom kept cursing me because I was the cause of his affair (HOW!?) and I hid it from her rather than telling her (I should be slapped for trying to save her a hurt!)

I was totally hurt with her constant cursing and swearing & finally I snapped and told her that she was a loser in life and she could never appreciate that she had such well behaved kids who loved her more themselves. She cursed me and told me that I will never get a job. My dad was gladly supporting her and I told mom go figure your life because your husband will take you for a ride again (which he is. He is still cheating on her).

I was rude to both of them for the first time in my life but do not regret it. He buys my mom expensive gifts and takes her on holiday while he continues his affair.

My dad was gob smacked cos he realized that I found out the truth. So he asked me to leave his house. I could have left in a rage but I did not and cannot move out right now ( cos we are expatriates and there are certain rules as a single woman in the country we live). We talk rarely and I don’t sit with them for meals and go about doing things on my own. My youngest sibling asks me to make up with them. But this time I won’t because all my 28 years they have put me through a lot. My little sis is 19 and wont understand half the pain I been through because me and my brother have literally mothered her and not let her get hurt by parents. My brother asks me to just put up with until I get an opening to move away to another country. And I feel I will never want to come back home.

My mom had a sad life and ill treated me because she wasn’t happy in life and now when I wanted to love her and take care of her, she goes on and be more ungrateful.

My dad who was my hero, stopped loving me for another woman and even told that woman that he hates me for coming between them.

Am I not justified in my anger and not want to patch up just for the sake of being a family? I cannot stand the site of my parents anymore. I feel no love or respect.

We are no longer a normal family and I have people outside my house who make me feel like a worthy human being. So there must be something good about me. My brother and sister adore me so I must be normal and not a ‘curse’ as my dad says.

I am just looking for some comfort in you guys because I feel like an orphan child.

Bless your hearts for letting me pour out.

Crazyaboutdogs · 10-07-2008, 03:35 PM

Sorry to hear about your troubles...unfortunately your parents used you as the punching bag for their own issues and wrong-doing. It is sad that they do not appreciate you...but people who are unhappy or are doing wrong things want everyone else to turn a blind eye and if someone doesn't turn a blind eye and calls them on their behaviour then suddenly the person who has called them on their behaviour becomes public enemy number 1. It is not that your parents don't love you, it is that they are themselves messed up and don't want their daughter to acknowledge the truth about them. So the only thing you can do is get yourself sorted ASAP so that you can leave that dysfunctional home and live on your own. Time and distance may allow you to eventually have a more peaceful relationship with them..it may never be close, but it will at least be something. In the meantime, at least you have siblings who care for you.

redhearts · 10-07-2008, 03:52 PM

I think what is best for you is to go back out on your own. Be away from the people who put you down in life. Find your own self. Don't let your family hold you down, or hold you back.

fireflies · 10-07-2008, 03:55 PM

**Coffee80** This will sound like the understatement of the century, but the problem is your family, not you. They're set in their ways and they don't want to change. The only role they seem to have for you is that of "black sheep" -- someone to blame for all their own self-made problems.

Rather than focus on them (whom you have no control over), I highly recommend you focus on finding your next job and then finding your next home. Move out (back to Europe if need be), not to prove a point, but because you were so much happier and better off out on your own. You're not a child and you don't need your parents to safeguard you, no matter what culture or tradition says. Once you're strong and happy again, you'll be in a much better position to help your family.

If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll remember that you came home to your family with an "open heart" because living on your own in Europe and being self-sufficient made you happy and helped you to forget the past. If doing the opposite has made you unhappy, that's a strong sign it isn't healthy or wise for you.

AwdreeHpburn · 10-07-2008, 06:04 PM

Hey Coffee - I agree with who said time to branch out. Maybe its your culture to live at home til marriage, so that may be a bit tougher to say, just move out, but..... sounds its becoming WAY too difficult to stay there as well.

Your parents seem to resent your position in life. And maybe they should. You're young and going some where. And people like you.

Make your own way. I'm not saying forget your parents or go against custom, just maybe.... make yourself happy and comfortable first.......

Best of luck - from someone who also can't stand her parents!

-Awdree

N_Love_Again · 10-07-2008, 06:12 PM

I Had that same problem up to about 3 months ago, when I moved out. I was the blame for everything. She didnt blame me for him having an affair because he had been having the affair for years but everytime she was mad about that, she took it out on me. Then one day i got caught up in the middle of my father and his * * * * * (she really is, not just being mean) and he found out that i told my mother that she brought me in the middle of it and she cussed him out and then he beat me for it. Now after 27 years mom is talking divorce and now he wants to act right but me, i cut the both of them lose. I got tired of trying to please them and make them happy, i just realized its none of my business theyre grown and so am I. And I packed my things and moved to a city about 2 hours from them.

Coffee80 · 10-08-2008, 12:07 PM

thank you all for your feedbacks..

it just helps me to be able to pour out.. i have learnt that even your own parents can let you down so bad

Coffee80 · 10-08-2008, 12:09 PM

|I know we out to honour our parents etc.. but when they fail you.. how can you??!

When your parents are not good examples and do not do anything for you to honour them,do u need to honour them just because they gave birth to you?

10-07-2008, 02:09 PM	#1
Coffee80 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 180	Beginning to hate my parents. I first came here with a broken heart then to talk about my dad cheating on my mom and now it is worse. I am not even sure if people of my age have problems with their parents. I always thought it was a teenage thing. Me: I am 27, F, Single. I live at home with parents. I have two younger siblings (26 & 19). I am a normal girl with a good degree and have been working for 7 years of my life. I used to live in Europe until 3 years ago and came back to where my parents are because they wanted me home until I got married and also my younger siblings had gone away to universities. I found a good job once I came back home and was working until last month. I quit my job since splitting with my ex and it was no longer easy to work together. My Problem: Ours was an average family and there were some good time in spite of all the normal problems in the family. My parents were terrible to me because they had an unhappy marriage. if anyone had to bear the brunt of my parent’s issues it was me – because I was the eldest. I had a hard time in my teens and if I had not chosen to forgive my parents, we would have been still hostile. One thing I cannot still comprehend is that when I first got my periods, my mom cursed me like it was something i did wrong!! Living in Europe for 5 years broadened my outlook and I learnt to let go of a lot of things and when my parents asked me to come home , I came back with an open heart and actually looked forward to having some good time. My mom continued to be mean, bitter, controlling, abusive, intolerant ( as she always was) and every time we had an argument she would tell me that she wishes I would get lost and life was better for her when I was away. She always had the habit of telling mean, untrue things to win an argument. I considered all these as her ‘issues’ or ‘frustrations’ of not having been able to make it big career wise. Earlier this year I found my dad was having an affair. It tore me apart because he was my comfort blanket in my growing up years. I tried sorting it without letting mom no. He wouldn’t change. I got my siblings involved. He wouldn’t budge & I thought it was now time for mom to get involved though she would be hurt. But they wanted to save her from being hurt and did not allow me to tell mom. Finally mom had to know the truth and all hell broke loose. But she decided to give him another chance and we all decided to put all the bad things behind us. But in reality my dad had not forgiven me because if it was not for me no one would probably find him cheating (as my mom blindly trusted him and my siblings weren’t home). Well my mom kept cursing me because I was the cause of his affair (HOW!?) and I hid it from her rather than telling her (I should be slapped for trying to save her a hurt!) I was totally hurt with her constant cursing and swearing & finally I snapped and told her that she was a loser in life and she could never appreciate that she had such well behaved kids who loved her more themselves. She cursed me and told me that I will never get a job. My dad was gladly supporting her and I told mom go figure your life because your husband will take you for a ride again (which he is. He is still cheating on her). I was rude to both of them for the first time in my life but do not regret it. He buys my mom expensive gifts and takes her on holiday while he continues his affair. My dad was gob smacked cos he realized that I found out the truth. So he asked me to leave his house. I could have left in a rage but I did not and cannot move out right now ( cos we are expatriates and there are certain rules as a single woman in the country we live). We talk rarely and I don’t sit with them for meals and go about doing things on my own. My youngest sibling asks me to make up with them. But this time I won’t because all my 28 years they have put me through a lot. My little sis is 19 and wont understand half the pain I been through because me and my brother have literally mothered her and not let her get hurt by parents. My brother asks me to just put up with until I get an opening to move away to another country. And I feel I will never want to come back home. My mom had a sad life and ill treated me because she wasn’t happy in life and now when I wanted to love her and take care of her, she goes on and be more ungrateful. My dad who was my hero, stopped loving me for another woman and even told that woman that he hates me for coming between them. Am I not justified in my anger and not want to patch up just for the sake of being a family? I cannot stand the site of my parents anymore. I feel no love or respect. We are no longer a normal family and I have people outside my house who make me feel like a worthy human being. So there must be something good about me. My brother and sister adore me so I must be normal and not a ‘curse’ as my dad says. I am just looking for some comfort in you guys because I feel like an orphan child. Bless your hearts for letting me pour out.

10-07-2008, 03:55 PM	#4
fireflies Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Mason Jar Posts: 79	Coffee80 This will sound like the understatement of the century, but the problem is your family, not you. They're set in their ways and they don't want to change. The only role they seem to have for you is that of "black sheep" -- someone to blame for all their own self-made problems. Rather than focus on them (whom you have no control over), I highly recommend you focus on finding your next job and then finding your next home. Move out (back to Europe if need be), not to prove a point, but because you were so much happier and better off out on your own. You're not a child and you don't need your parents to safeguard you, no matter what culture or tradition says. Once you're strong and happy again, you'll be in a much better position to help your family. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll remember that you came home to your family with an "open heart" because living on your own in Europe and being self-sufficient made you happy and helped you to forget the past. If doing the opposite has made you unhappy, that's a strong sign it isn't healthy or wise for you. __________________ "If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?" - Stephen Levine

10-07-2008, 06:04 PM	#5
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,639	Hey Coffee - I agree with who said time to branch out. Maybe its your culture to live at home til marriage, so that may be a bit tougher to say, just move out, but..... sounds its becoming WAY too difficult to stay there as well. Your parents seem to resent your position in life. And maybe they should. You're young and going some where. And people like you. Make your own way. I'm not saying forget your parents or go against custom, just maybe.... make yourself happy and comfortable first....... Best of luck - from someone who also can't stand her parents! -Awdree __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am......

10-07-2008, 06:12 PM	#6
N_Love_Again Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 15	I Had that same problem up to about 3 months ago, when I moved out. I was the blame for everything. She didnt blame me for him having an affair because he had been having the affair for years but everytime she was mad about that, she took it out on me. Then one day i got caught up in the middle of my father and his * * * * * (she really is, not just being mean) and he found out that i told my mother that she brought me in the middle of it and she cussed him out and then he beat me for it. Now after 27 years mom is talking divorce and now he wants to act right but me, i cut the both of them lose. I got tired of trying to please them and make them happy, i just realized its none of my business theyre grown and so am I. And I packed my things and moved to a city about 2 hours from them. __________________ "Looking for "THE ONE" isnt always the best thing to do, sometimes it's easier to just sit back at let it find you" "When all else fails, in the end, you still have yourself" "We live on this earth to die but in the process we're dying to live" "No man/woman can love your heart better than yourself"

10-07-2008, 03:35 PM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	Sorry to hear about your troubles...unfortunately your parents used you as the punching bag for their own issues and wrong-doing. It is sad that they do not appreciate you...but people who are unhappy or are doing wrong things want everyone else to turn a blind eye and if someone doesn't turn a blind eye and calls them on their behaviour then suddenly the person who has called them on their behaviour becomes public enemy number 1. It is not that your parents don't love you, it is that they are themselves messed up and don't want their daughter to acknowledge the truth about them. So the only thing you can do is get yourself sorted ASAP so that you can leave that dysfunctional home and live on your own. Time and distance may allow you to eventually have a more peaceful relationship with them..it may never be close, but it will at least be something. In the meantime, at least you have siblings who care for you.

10-07-2008, 03:52 PM	#3
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	I think what is best for you is to go back out on your own. Be away from the people who put you down in life. Find your own self. Don't let your family hold you down, or hold you back.

10-08-2008, 12:07 PM	#7
Coffee80 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 180	thank you all for your feedbacks.. it just helps me to be able to pour out.. i have learnt that even your own parents can let you down so bad

10-08-2008, 12:09 PM	#8
Coffee80 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 180	\|I know we out to honour our parents etc.. but when they fail you.. how can you??! When your parents are not good examples and do not do anything for you to honour them,do u need to honour them just because they gave birth to you?