My family - is it me or them?!

FrancisHouseman · 10-06-2008, 09:59 AM

Haven't ever written about my family on here, but just needed a bit of advice as I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't see my family that often because we live so far apart.

I am giving up work to be a stay at home mum which was something my own mother could never afford to do and I gave up smoking years ago. My family continue to smoke. I sometimes feel that they think I look down my nose at them or think I am better and they have frequently referred to my partner as my 'posh boyfriend'.

I went to a family party at weekend, my mother's birthday - I reminded them of my wheat intolerance because for the past three years they have continued to 'forget' and I have arrived for tea to be presented with a plate of pasta, or toast...

I was instantly upset when I arrived to find the buffet had been laid out with nothing but sausages, sandwhiches, pies and crackers. Nothing wheat free was availale for me. Me and my boyfriend had to go to the shops to get wheatfree crackers and bread for me so I could eat! I felt like it would have been nice to have been considered at such a special family occasion.

Everyone in my family smokes and so do all their friends. No one made any effort to be away from me when they smoked. I was finding it increasinly frustrated moving from room to room to be confronted with a wall of smoke. However, when I made any attempt to complain or to ask that the smoke be kept away from the room i would later sleep in, i was shouted down, told that "my house doesnt stink of smoke!!" by my mother or told that i was being a 'precious non smoker' (it was the fact i was pregnant that I was compaining)

My 15 year old sister has liver damage from a suicide attempt in the summer and she was wondering around the house drunk!

I got very annoyed and asked her if she was totally unaware of the danger and I also pointed out to my parents that a NORMAL girl of 15 shouldnt be able to get that drunk never mind one with her liver damage, they got angry with me, this turned into a row in one of the bedrooms away from the guests, they seem to be of the opinion that the 'bad thing' is all in the past... my partner said they like to bury their heads in the sand and pretend it didnt happen, and they dont appreciate me wanting to talk about things or point them out.

I'm the only person who will refer to the giant elephant in the room.

So I finally went to bed at 2am. My mother and sister continued SCREAMING down the karaoke machine in the next room until 3am, ignoring requests from me that they please now put it away. I didnt get to sleep until 5am when the last people left the party and the house became quiet.

I was in distress with pains in my stomach from anger and the baby was kicking me furiously, I had a headache and my throat was sore from all the smoke. I was crying because I wondered why it was so difficult for people to just have some consideration!

The following morning I made a comment about how people had had no consideration and smoked all over me and how none of my friends or my boyfriend's family would dream of smoking near me and my mother got very angry and shouted that "no one smoked all over you - you used to smoke yourself!!" (two years ago) she called me a hypocryte, said nobody smoked near me (LYING) said it was HER party and she could sing as loud or long as she wanted, totally oblivious to the fact that I am 8 months pregnant and therein lay the problem I had! I ended up just leaving the house and we havent spoken since.

who was in the wrong? am I expecting too much? I find myself comparing them to my partner's family who go out of their way to give me specially prepared wheat free food and an array of nice fruit juices. His family would not have continued making as much noise as possible until 5am knowing i was trying to get to sleep heavily pregnant and upset.

I just feel soo upset, like I ruined my mother's birthday party...

agent · 10-06-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

who was in the wrong? am I expecting too much?

You both were, and yes.

In a house where everyone is smoking, you can't expect them to go out of their way to keep the house smoke free. If they've never considered you, you can't get angry because they still don't. It's not nice but it's not like you've been set up with different expectation of them.
At a party you wanted them to put your wants before everyone else.

You're pregnant, and they should have made some effort, but it does seem like you wanted everything to be how you wanted it. And from what you've posted, they've never made that effort so that's never going to happen.

Quote:

I got very annoyed and asked her if she was totally unaware of the danger and I also pointed out to my parents that a NORMAL girl of 15 shouldnt be able to get that drunk never mind one with her liver damage,

Your bf is right, they don't want to confront it. But you telling people generally isn't the best way to get them onside. If they think you're a snob it's only going to make them defensive. Which is where the problems start I think, they see you as looking down at them which makes them defensive. Have you tried changing how you talk to them - framing requests differently? That might help.

Spend more time with your in-laws. It seems to not be such a stressful experience for you. You can't choose family, but you can choose who you spend time around.

FrancisHouseman · 10-07-2008, 04:44 AM

Thank you for replying and your reply made a lot of sense to me.

You are right that i proably did expect too much from people who have never ceased to dissapoint me in the past, I don't know what I expected everyone to do. I have been spoilt spending so much time with my in-laws because I never even really noticed how different my family were until I did spend so much time with them.

When I go to my partner's parents, his mother has usually baked wheat free pies or cakes for me, she buys dairy free ice cream and fruit juice for me and wheat free bread. She NEVER forgets that I don't eat wheat or dairy and ALWAYS goes out of their way to ensure my comfort. His family never argue and talk and discuss everything! whereas my family just don't confront anything and just bury their heads.

Even when there is a big argument no one ever apologises they just continue talking a week later like nothing happened. It has always been that way. Its like "lets pretend that didnt happen.."

thanks x

10-06-2008, 09:59 AM	#1
FrancisHouseman Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 139	My family - is it me or them?! Haven't ever written about my family on here, but just needed a bit of advice as I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't see my family that often because we live so far apart. I am giving up work to be a stay at home mum which was something my own mother could never afford to do and I gave up smoking years ago. My family continue to smoke. I sometimes feel that they think I look down my nose at them or think I am better and they have frequently referred to my partner as my 'posh boyfriend'. I went to a family party at weekend, my mother's birthday - I reminded them of my wheat intolerance because for the past three years they have continued to 'forget' and I have arrived for tea to be presented with a plate of pasta, or toast... I was instantly upset when I arrived to find the buffet had been laid out with nothing but sausages, sandwhiches, pies and crackers. Nothing wheat free was availale for me. Me and my boyfriend had to go to the shops to get wheatfree crackers and bread for me so I could eat! I felt like it would have been nice to have been considered at such a special family occasion. Everyone in my family smokes and so do all their friends. No one made any effort to be away from me when they smoked. I was finding it increasinly frustrated moving from room to room to be confronted with a wall of smoke. However, when I made any attempt to complain or to ask that the smoke be kept away from the room i would later sleep in, i was shouted down, told that "my house doesnt stink of smoke!!" by my mother or told that i was being a 'precious non smoker' (it was the fact i was pregnant that I was compaining) My 15 year old sister has liver damage from a suicide attempt in the summer and she was wondering around the house drunk! I got very annoyed and asked her if she was totally unaware of the danger and I also pointed out to my parents that a NORMAL girl of 15 shouldnt be able to get that drunk never mind one with her liver damage, they got angry with me, this turned into a row in one of the bedrooms away from the guests, they seem to be of the opinion that the 'bad thing' is all in the past... my partner said they like to bury their heads in the sand and pretend it didnt happen, and they dont appreciate me wanting to talk about things or point them out. I'm the only person who will refer to the giant elephant in the room. So I finally went to bed at 2am. My mother and sister continued SCREAMING down the karaoke machine in the next room until 3am, ignoring requests from me that they please now put it away. I didnt get to sleep until 5am when the last people left the party and the house became quiet. I was in distress with pains in my stomach from anger and the baby was kicking me furiously, I had a headache and my throat was sore from all the smoke. I was crying because I wondered why it was so difficult for people to just have some consideration! The following morning I made a comment about how people had had no consideration and smoked all over me and how none of my friends or my boyfriend's family would dream of smoking near me and my mother got very angry and shouted that "no one smoked all over you - you used to smoke yourself!!" (two years ago) she called me a hypocryte, said nobody smoked near me (LYING) said it was HER party and she could sing as loud or long as she wanted, totally oblivious to the fact that I am 8 months pregnant and therein lay the problem I had! I ended up just leaving the house and we havent spoken since. who was in the wrong? am I expecting too much? I find myself comparing them to my partner's family who go out of their way to give me specially prepared wheat free food and an array of nice fruit juices. His family would not have continued making as much noise as possible until 5am knowing i was trying to get to sleep heavily pregnant and upset. I just feel soo upset, like I ruined my mother's birthday party... __________________ Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgement that something else is more important.

10-07-2008, 04:44 AM	#3
FrancisHouseman Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 139	Thank you for replying and your reply made a lot of sense to me. You are right that i proably did expect too much from people who have never ceased to dissapoint me in the past, I don't know what I expected everyone to do. I have been spoilt spending so much time with my in-laws because I never even really noticed how different my family were until I did spend so much time with them. When I go to my partner's parents, his mother has usually baked wheat free pies or cakes for me, she buys dairy free ice cream and fruit juice for me and wheat free bread. She NEVER forgets that I don't eat wheat or dairy and ALWAYS goes out of their way to ensure my comfort. His family never argue and talk and discuss everything! whereas my family just don't confront anything and just bury their heads. Even when there is a big argument no one ever apologises they just continue talking a week later like nothing happened. It has always been that way. Its like "lets pretend that didnt happen.." thanks x __________________ Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgement that something else is more important.