what happens at counselling? How useful do you find it?

locolady · 10-04-2008, 06:30 PM

Hi,

Ok so, i think i;ve decided to get counselling. Ive been terribly depressed for almost a year now since my ex-boyf broke up with me for someone else who he is now living with. I'm not coping at all, still crying several times a week and feeling utterly worthless no matter what I try.

Friends have urged me to get help and on the only occasion my ex deigned to speak to me he told me he thought i should. I would never never do it but sometimes i find myself staring at the tube train tracks and thinking about throwing myself down there, just because i'm so tired of feeling so sad, i'm pretty sure thats not normal.

Last night things reached a breaking point, i cut my arm quite badly and text my ex-boyfriend telling him I was bleeding. He called a mutual friend (well, she used to be a mutual friend but now only sees him) to contact me and a huge row ensued between me and her. It was awful and she ended up calling several of my other friends when I didnt answer my phone, now everyone knows and its awful.

So, i;m thinking that perhaps it is time to try counselling but i'm scared. I tried once before and really didnt feel comfortable. She didnt ask many questions and I simply didnt know how to tell her how I felt, it seemed so self-indulgent. So, advice please, what usually happens at sessions and do you think i should go/ it would be helpful? I find it hard because no matter what anyone tells me to think, I will still be worthless in my exs eyes, he's proved its possible to walk away from me and never miss me, replace me and be happier in life when I have no part in it...i must be a pretty bad person for that to be true so surely thinking anything else would simply be kidding myself?

I'm terrified i will be alone forever, it seems everyone else is living with partners by now and i'm left out and lonely. I loved my ex so much, i am wracked with jealousy and loneliness since we split up, i had everythng and was so happy, now i have nothing and if I never find anyone, life is not worth living.

Thank you for reading

Aschleigh · 10-04-2008, 06:52 PM

Counselors listen to you and try to help you achieve your goals. Or to help you understand yourself better.
You seem to have a major depression. Often times it's good to get an anti-depressant to take for a while to help you feel better. Then the "talk therapy" will work better because you can engage more. If you are feeling suicidal now is there anyone you can call now? Your parents, an older friend, a teacher. Are you in school ?
All of this is healable. We all have gone through break ups where we think it's the end of the world.
Google : suicide prevention and your town or country. Look up suicide here on enotalone. Don't make any big decisions while in this depressed state.

KG · 10-04-2008, 07:44 PM

If you get a counsellor you don't gel with, look for another. I agree with the anidepressant, it will hellp you express your feelings better, without being in a panic state.
I went to group counselling after my wife died, and it truly made a huge difference, just getting it off my chest.
Please follow through...this is doable, and you have your whole life ahead of you. It will get better, believe me!

nutbrownhare · 10-04-2008, 07:47 PM

I can only speak from personal experience, and the decision to go into counselling is an intensely personal one, but here goes ...

When I was about 20 I went through a period where my brain felt like mush, I was hyper-sensitive and paranoid, terrible mood swings ... life was pure hell. My way of coping was to self-harm. Then one day I saw a book in a library about suicide and self harm; my first thought was that this was obviously something that was recognised, acknowledged and that something could be done about it - I didn't have to continue this hell! I booked an appointment to see the Student Counsellor the following day, and that was a major turning point in my life.

I was in and out of therapy for years; in fact I wouldn't hesitate to see a therapist now if I felt I was out of my depth emotionally. I can quite honestly say it saved my life, both in the sense of dealing with my suicidal feelings, and in giving me the confidence to make my life the way I wanted it, rather than living up to others' dysfunctional expectations.

If you do decide to go ahead, you might feel a bit more confident if you read a book about the different types. If you get a list of counsellors, phone them to ask how they operate. Trust your guts. If you don't get a good vibe around the other person, the therapy will not work no matter how well qualified and skilful they are - use your instinct to find someone you sense will understand you. Again, this is a very, very personal thing. When I had left college and was looking for a counsellor several years later, it took me three months to find one who I felt could help me; it was three months well spent.

It sounds as though you're going through your own personal hell right now. Maybe, just maybe, this is an ideal time to turn things around for yourself and climb out of the pit.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Thinking of you.

lostandhurt · 10-04-2008, 08:59 PM

Well I went to counseling to save my marriage and ended up saving me. I am not big on asking for help but I did. Not all therapists are the same. Some are better than others and some do better with different people. After I saw my therapist for a few times I then informed her that I want task oriented therapy. By this I mean I wanted her to assign tasks for me for each week after I saw her. I let her decide what would be assigned (reading a book that she thought might help, making lists, getting out with friends) what ever the therapist saw was needed at that point. I also got on meds which leveled out the ups and downs so I could see things more clearly. I no longer see the therapist since she kind of got me going in the right direction and then I was able to take it from there. I will visit her soon to make sure I am not missing anything in my healing. I took charge of my recovery and it worked for me (work in progress actually) but it might not work for you.
Go see your Doctor for the meds and then see if anyone you know can point you towards a good therapist. By all means please keep posting.
Remember how you were before you met your ex? You have a life of your own and you choose to share that life with someone. He did not make your life he was just part of it. You will be in our thoughts

lost

Batya33 · 10-04-2008, 09:43 PM

From my experience (family therapy when I was young) and from hearing from friends, I agree that it is so dependent on the therapist - and it can take a lot of work to find a good one who you click with on a professional level and who you also feel comfortable with. For example, some might do better with a nurturing person, others need a more tough love approach, or, perhaps you want more of a dialogue while others might like to just have the therapist as a sounding board. There might be good books on how to find a good therapist - including what technique (i.e. cognitive, freudian, etc) would work best for you.

Some skeptics say "why should I pay someone to tell my problems to?" -- to that I would respond - if that is what is happening in therapy, then it's not an effective relationship (in my opinion).

All the best to you in finding what works for you!

10-04-2008, 06:30 PM	#1
locolady Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 495	what happens at counselling? How useful do you find it? Hi, Ok so, i think i;ve decided to get counselling. Ive been terribly depressed for almost a year now since my ex-boyf broke up with me for someone else who he is now living with. I'm not coping at all, still crying several times a week and feeling utterly worthless no matter what I try. Friends have urged me to get help and on the only occasion my ex deigned to speak to me he told me he thought i should. I would never never do it but sometimes i find myself staring at the tube train tracks and thinking about throwing myself down there, just because i'm so tired of feeling so sad, i'm pretty sure thats not normal. Last night things reached a breaking point, i cut my arm quite badly and text my ex-boyfriend telling him I was bleeding. He called a mutual friend (well, she used to be a mutual friend but now only sees him) to contact me and a huge row ensued between me and her. It was awful and she ended up calling several of my other friends when I didnt answer my phone, now everyone knows and its awful. So, i;m thinking that perhaps it is time to try counselling but i'm scared. I tried once before and really didnt feel comfortable. She didnt ask many questions and I simply didnt know how to tell her how I felt, it seemed so self-indulgent. So, advice please, what usually happens at sessions and do you think i should go/ it would be helpful? I find it hard because no matter what anyone tells me to think, I will still be worthless in my exs eyes, he's proved its possible to walk away from me and never miss me, replace me and be happier in life when I have no part in it...i must be a pretty bad person for that to be true so surely thinking anything else would simply be kidding myself? I'm terrified i will be alone forever, it seems everyone else is living with partners by now and i'm left out and lonely. I loved my ex so much, i am wracked with jealousy and loneliness since we split up, i had everythng and was so happy, now i have nothing and if I never find anyone, life is not worth living. Thank you for reading __________________ "Bitterness damages the vessel in which it's stored far more than the container to which it's poured." Its not about my make-up or how i try to shape up.....he loves her because she moves in her own way.

10-04-2008, 07:44 PM	#3
KG Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: 2 miles east of Hicksville Gender: Male Posts: 4,902	If you get a counsellor you don't gel with, look for another. I agree with the anidepressant, it will hellp you express your feelings better, without being in a panic state. I went to group counselling after my wife died, and it truly made a huge difference, just getting it off my chest. Please follow through...this is doable, and you have your whole life ahead of you. It will get better, believe me! __________________ Life is just a word until you go through it. I've got the scars to prove it.

10-04-2008, 08:59 PM	#5
lostandhurt Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: California Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 2,150	Well I went to counseling to save my marriage and ended up saving me. I am not big on asking for help but I did. Not all therapists are the same. Some are better than others and some do better with different people. After I saw my therapist for a few times I then informed her that I want task oriented therapy. By this I mean I wanted her to assign tasks for me for each week after I saw her. I let her decide what would be assigned (reading a book that she thought might help, making lists, getting out with friends) what ever the therapist saw was needed at that point. I also got on meds which leveled out the ups and downs so I could see things more clearly. I no longer see the therapist since she kind of got me going in the right direction and then I was able to take it from there. I will visit her soon to make sure I am not missing anything in my healing. I took charge of my recovery and it worked for me (work in progress actually) but it might not work for you. Go see your Doctor for the meds and then see if anyone you know can point you towards a good therapist. By all means please keep posting. Remember how you were before you met your ex? You have a life of your own and you choose to share that life with someone. He did not make your life he was just part of it. You will be in our thoughts lost __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness; Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

10-04-2008, 06:52 PM	#2
Aschleigh Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Los Angeles Gender: Female Posts: 860	Counselors listen to you and try to help you achieve your goals. Or to help you understand yourself better. You seem to have a major depression. Often times it's good to get an anti-depressant to take for a while to help you feel better. Then the "talk therapy" will work better because you can engage more. If you are feeling suicidal now is there anyone you can call now? Your parents, an older friend, a teacher. Are you in school ? All of this is healable. We all have gone through break ups where we think it's the end of the world. Google : suicide prevention and your town or country. Look up suicide here on enotalone. Don't make any big decisions while in this depressed state.

10-04-2008, 07:47 PM	#4
nutbrownhare Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 1,191	I can only speak from personal experience, and the decision to go into counselling is an intensely personal one, but here goes ... When I was about 20 I went through a period where my brain felt like mush, I was hyper-sensitive and paranoid, terrible mood swings ... life was pure hell. My way of coping was to self-harm. Then one day I saw a book in a library about suicide and self harm; my first thought was that this was obviously something that was recognised, acknowledged and that something could be done about it - I didn't have to continue this hell! I booked an appointment to see the Student Counsellor the following day, and that was a major turning point in my life. I was in and out of therapy for years; in fact I wouldn't hesitate to see a therapist now if I felt I was out of my depth emotionally. I can quite honestly say it saved my life, both in the sense of dealing with my suicidal feelings, and in giving me the confidence to make my life the way I wanted it, rather than living up to others' dysfunctional expectations. If you do decide to go ahead, you might feel a bit more confident if you read a book about the different types. If you get a list of counsellors, phone them to ask how they operate. Trust your guts. If you don't get a good vibe around the other person, the therapy will not work no matter how well qualified and skilful they are - use your instinct to find someone you sense will understand you. Again, this is a very, very personal thing. When I had left college and was looking for a counsellor several years later, it took me three months to find one who I felt could help me; it was three months well spent. It sounds as though you're going through your own personal hell right now. Maybe, just maybe, this is an ideal time to turn things around for yourself and climb out of the pit. Good luck, whatever you decide. Thinking of you.

10-04-2008, 09:43 PM	#6
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,059	From my experience (family therapy when I was young) and from hearing from friends, I agree that it is so dependent on the therapist - and it can take a lot of work to find a good one who you click with on a professional level and who you also feel comfortable with. For example, some might do better with a nurturing person, others need a more tough love approach, or, perhaps you want more of a dialogue while others might like to just have the therapist as a sounding board. There might be good books on how to find a good therapist - including what technique (i.e. cognitive, freudian, etc) would work best for you. Some skeptics say "why should I pay someone to tell my problems to?" -- to that I would respond - if that is what is happening in therapy, then it's not an effective relationship (in my opinion). All the best to you in finding what works for you!