suicide prevention hotline in USA suicide prevention hotline in USA
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  1. #1
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    I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either

    I hate life so much. I'm just a complete wreck of a human being. My future is completely hopeless. If I lose my current job, I will have nothing. My job is my whole life. There is nothing else in my life. I have no social life. Very few friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in six years. I haven't had sexual activity of any kind (with another person) in four years. I have absurdly terrible luck with the opposite sex. This past week I went to a strip club twice just to be around girls. It's pretty bad when you need strippers to provide you with female companionship. That's pretty near rock bottom, I'd say.

    My home life is pretty terrible. I have a dismal relationship with my parents. I go to church despite the fact that I have no specific religious beliefs (My parents are very religious). I live with my parents, which sucks, but I'm afraid to move out. I'll probably live with them until I'm 40. If I don't OD on booze and painkillers first.

    I have two small nieces and they stress the living **** out of me. I feel awful because whenever they are around, I want them to go away. I love them, but dear god they make me want to cut my own throat sometimes. That's how it is with my whole family. I love them, I just don't want to be around them. At all. And I hate that I feel that way.

    One of my best friends has completely abandoned me and barely speaks to me. I fell in love with her, and my heart was horribly broken when she got married a couple of years ago. Our relationship has not been the same since. That's a long story though.

    I'm very lonely. On one hand, I'm afraid of having a serious relationships almost to the point of phobia. On the other hand, I'm starved for companionship. What a catch-22. I feel so alone all the time. Alone and sad. I'm so used to being sad that happiness is almost painful on the rare occasions that I feel happy.

    I fantasize about committing suicide and wish that I had the gall to actually pull it off. I know that I couldn't, and that's even more depressing. I'm stuck here. There's no way out. It would be so much easier if I could just blow my brains out. I wish that I could just die of natural causes. That's one reason I don't take care of myself very well. I don't eat right, I don't exercise. I'm hoping that I'll have a heart attack one of these days.

    My life is just one big depressing wasteland where sorrow and despair bloom like flowers. It's a long, lonesome road that I must travel alone. Enough waxing poetic.... I really envy people who kill themselves. I wish I could do it. Is it really better to continue living unhappily than to end it all? I don't understand.

    That's all. If anyone reads this, I'm sorry for wasting your time with my pathetic self-loathing nonsense.
    Last edited by Mr.Zombie; 09-30-2008 at 12:55 AM.

  2. #2
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    If you don't want to kill yourself and you don't want to live right now, at this moment, try getting some sleep, and seeing how you feel in the morning. I"m not trying to trivialize what you're going through. But sometimes it helps to come back around to one's problems when you've got a full tank. Another idea you can try - call a suicide prevention hotline. At the very least, you're going to have someone to talk to, and that could be something you greatly need right now. It's all anonymous, so there's no obligation for anything when you call. Good luck, I wish I had something better to tell you.

    These problems just can't be all solved in one day, even for the most emotionally healthy and robust person on the planet. They're going to take time but here's the deal - there is hope. As long as you keep on trying, there sure is hope. One day, one problem at a time.

    Hugs,
    Sheila
    BOUNDARIES...where you end and someone else begins.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." ~ Kevin Bacon on keeping marriage together.

  3. #3
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    That's true, it seems like you've been on this mode for a long time now and only you can get yourself out of it, no matter how hard or far fetched it may seem. You're not alone in this world and you're not the only one feeling this way. Find new activities in your life, even though you might not feel like it, be strong and force yourself to do it. Pick up a sport, sign up for a class on something that interests you, do volunteer work, all these things will make you feel better and that can be a start for you to start taking care of yourself and your mind. I once read a quote that said something about happy people being the ones who can control their thoughts. You might also want to consider seeing a psychologist, it does help a great deal to vent out your feelings! Good luck!!! Take care of yourself and things will get better!!

  4. #4
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    maybe you can start by stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living...

    the first thing you can do is change you userid fr zombie to revive or something...

    if you need a life get one...

    we all have our sobby stories to tell.. but why are we not?? the difference between you and you neighbour who you think they are successful is the way you see yourself...

    they think they can do it.. you think you are pathetic..

    life have its way to bring us down.. but its not how hard life gets at you but how hard you can beaten and yet still pick yourself up...

    go wash your face... slap yourself in the mirror or something.. wake yourself up from your sobby circumstances and find a solution...

    if you only need someone to tell you that things are going to be fine... let me tell you now.. they are not going to be fine unless you find a way to make them fine...

    wake that zombie up from inside...

  5. #5
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    im sorry to hear bro. I wish I can of help. Times like this I feel God is testing me. I don't know. Your life will get better. Life gotta be bad to learn from it to make it better. I feel like * * * * lately. Do you smoke weed? I don't feel like working, going to school, socializing, etc. I just want to be rich and do whatever i want whenever. I am so lazy it is depressing

  6. #6
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    I'm almost shocked, pretty much everything in your post describes everything I'm feeling right now.

    I feel like I can relate to you. I wish there was some way I could help you.

    If you want someone to talk to, I'd be willing to talk to you. If by any chance you wanna talk, send me a message. I hope I don't end up boring you though. People seem to get bored by me very quickly as I'm a very dull person.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheStrayDog0 View Post
    I'm almost shocked, pretty much everything in your post describes everything I'm feeling right now.

    I feel like I can relate to you. I wish there was some way I could help you.

    If you want someone to talk to, I'd be willing to talk to you. If by any chance you wanna talk, send me a message. I hope I don't end up boring you though. People seem to get bored by me very quickly as I'm a very dull person.
    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling what I'm feeling. I appreciate the offer. What's going on with you?

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by photogo View Post
    im sorry to hear bro. I wish I can of help. Times like this I feel God is testing me. I don't know. Your life will get better. Life gotta be bad to learn from it to make it better. I feel like * * * * lately. Do you smoke weed? I don't feel like working, going to school, socializing, etc. I just want to be rich and do whatever i want whenever. I am so lazy it is depressing
    I don't smoke weed much. I'd probably be a pothead, though, if I lived by myself. I'd probably be an alcoholic too. I can easily see myself lying on the couch all day drinking whiskey and smoking weed and never leaving the house. Perhaps it's best that I don't move out.

    Yeah, I'm pretty lazy too. I don't really want to do anything. I don't care about anything. I just don't see much in this world to care about. I'm not motivated to succeed. What's the point? I go to my job and I work hard at it, (as hard as you can work at a video store, that is) but I have no motivation to do anything else. Any time I try to be social I just end up feeling like a bigger loser than when I'm home by myself.

  9. #9
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    I can definitely empathize with your post. I'm sure a lot of people can. Despite the way it may feel, most people have thought about suicide at some point.

    You really have to find it within yourself that your life is worth living - because you have to live it. Someone else telling you that you're worthwhile and that your life has meaning isn't going to help you at all unless you can find happiness somewhere inside yourself.

    It sounds like you need to sort out your priorities, get organized, and make goals. It isn't the end of the world for you - you may have made mistakes in the past but that's what the future is for - making peace with the past and achieving what you cannot achieve right this second!

    Obviously your attitude needs to change, otherwise nothing else in your life will. You seem to have low self esteeem, because maybe you're not doing the things in life you have dreamed about doing. Life is short - start living your life for yourself. This may seem selfish, but you're only hurting the people close to you by being unhappy.

    Why is your job your whole life? And why are you going to loose your job? Are you getting fired, or laid off? If you've been at the same place for quite a while then there's a good chance you'll easily get another job soon, if you put effort into it. It looks good on applications and resumes when you've been at the same job for a few years - it proves that you're reliable. Stop worrying about your job, or lack of one, for a moment - your troubles do not stem from anything material.

    If you have such a horrible relationship with your mom and dad, why are you still living under their roof? I'm sure your life would be A LOT less stressful if you didn't have to abide by your parents rules. You're an adult - why would you want that for yourself? I promsie you, as soon as you move out and start taking pride in your own home, that will attract many women.

    Please realize that you have it tons better than many. You have a roof over your head, food, water, obviously a computer with internet ...

    And another thing about women - we tend to like guys who are good problem solvers. If a guy can't solve his problems - how could he possibly solve a relationship problem?

  10. #10
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    Thanks for the input, MoonSunStars. It's hard to explain really why I feel the way I do. I have ups and downs, certainly. Some days I feel okay. Other days, I would love nothing more than to cut my wrists open. I feel very hopeless about the future. I'm very pessimistic by nature. I'm so ineffectual and completely unable to change anything by myself. But I also see very little value in life. What's the point of busting your hump all the time just to keep on living? In my experience, there's not that much worth living for. The good things (and there certainly are many good things in life) are vastly outweighed by the bad. I'm not sure I'm able to survive 75% bad just to enjoy 25% good.

    I've completely given up on romance. I have no hope of ever finding love. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. But it doesn't really matter, because I don't want to get married or have kids. So if I were to find the perfect woman, she'd probably leave as a result of my refusal to settle down. Where do you find a woman who doesn't want to marry or have kids? There are maybe 4 or 5 in the world. I would like to have companionship, though. I do get lonely a lot. I'm very sexually frustrated too. Way past sexual frustration in fact. I'm almost at sexual apathy. But I'm not the type to have casual sex. I'm not attractive. I can't just pick up a girl and get her into bed. I wouldn't want to even if I could. But I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship just so I could have sex either. So I think I'm pretty just cut out for a life of celibacy. I don't really mind it all that much. I was terrible at sex back when I had a girlfriend.

    My job is my whole life because that's all I have. It's all that occupies my time, other than watching movies and the internet. I have no close relationships. I have friends but none that I'm close to. I'm not close to my family. I'm just a loner. I often worry that my store isn't making enough money to stay open and that I'll be out of a job. I think it's doing okay, but I still worry about it a lot. All I really want to do is work at a video store. I would be content doing that for the rest of my life. However, video stores will not exist for the rest of my life so that's not possible. There's really nothing else I can do. I suppose I will find something one day. I'm not in a hurry.

    I live with my parents for a few reasons. 1. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to survive on my own (sad, yes, but true), 2. I'm not sure if I need to live on my own. Ever since I've had a job I've worked about 5 minutes away from home. I have no social life to speak of, I don't date. Paying rent would be kind of a waste of money. My parents aren't really dominating. I can pretty much do whatever I want (within reason). The only thing I don't like is going to church with them. However, that would not change if I moved out. I would still be pressured to go to church.

    However, one of my goals, perhaps my only goal, is to someday get a place of my own. I'm sure it will happen in time. I mature very, very slowly. I didn't start driving until I was 18 or 19. I didn't start dating until I was 20 or 21. I'm just way behind in a lot of things. Like I said, I gave up on romance so I'm not really worried about attracting the opposite sex. I've been single for six years, celibate for about the same. I'm sure I can do it longer.

    Eventually I will probably get antidepressants and straighten myself out. But I'm just trying to survive day to day for now. I don't concern myself with the future. Just the here and now. That's all I can do. Just make it through today without slitting my wrists. That's the best I can manage for now.

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