New revelations - my ex is an alcoholic?!

guitars · 09-15-2008, 04:50 PM

So my ex and I have been in LC for the past couple of weeks, discussing mostly things not relating to the relationship...largely dealing with some of the unfinished music that we were working on together. I wanted to know if she was okay with me putting up some music on the internet that she had played on. She was okay with that and offered her graphic services and we had some disussions about that and other catching-up sort of stuff. Eventually it turned into a discussion of our breakup/separation/whatever.

She told me that she loves me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me, misses me - and that she's also extremely angry with me, never wants to see me again, and wants to have sex with every cute boy she sees. She is confused, to say the least, and openly admits it. The big shocker: she has been attending AA meetings after realizing that she is an alcoholic. She has been sober for over a year, was never that intense of a drinker and has been in therapy for over a year.

We discussed getting back together but she won't see me (even as friends) because she says that she is "in her disease" and that we have to stay away from each other, that she is incapable of having a relationship right now. If/when she feels that she can have a relationship again, she says that we can try again if we both still want to. We have resumed no contact - she said it was selfish of her to be having email conversations with me at this point.

What in the world do I do now? I thought that she wasn't coming back and now it sounds like she will, but working the 12 Steps can take, like, a really long time, right? Her being an alcoholic explains A LOT, but that doesn't improve this sort of limbo situation that I find myself in. Any advice?

summerpeach · 09-15-2008, 04:54 PM

Well I can tell you this. My ex and I have been back and forth for many months.

He told me a month ago he was going to AA. I mean I knew he drank and needed therapy, but confessed he drank more than I saw.
Addicts are awesome sneeks and liars by the way

Then he tells me the people in AA told him to disolve all relationships in order to focus on themselves.
Sounds good right? Well what do men/women do if they are married with kids, leave the partner to work on themselves.

I think some AA meetings are very "cult" like and a little too intense.

In your case, let her have her space, but don't wait around for her. She's obviously hurting and feels this is what she needs to get well.

You take the time and find peace also

hersmudders · 09-15-2008, 04:56 PM

I'm in a 12-step program myself (Al-Anon--people affected by alcoholism but not alcoholics themselves) and it is generally recommended that you not be in a relationship for about a year in the program or till you're done doing your steps. It's not to punish anyone else; it's to work on yourself and figure out how to deal with things out of your control.

I think it's amazing that she realizes her problem and is working on it. The most you can do right now is support her, be there for her if she needs it. I recommend getting yourself into Al-Anon to find ways to support her (the program is NOT used to get her to do what you want or figure out how to get her back or to quit drinking or anything--it's to figure out how to help yourself deal with an alcoholic). It takes a big step for an alcoholic to realize their problem, so I commend her for it!

hersmudders · 09-15-2008, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by summerpeach

Then he tells me the people in AA told him to disolve all relationships in order to focus on themselves.
Sounds good right? Well what do men/women do if they are married with kids, leave the partner to work on themselves.

I think some AA meetings are very "cult" like and a little too intense.

They aren't cults. Not at all. That's a common misconception to someone who isn't familiar with them (I thought that myself when getting into my own program). Nothing is forced whatsoever, it's just a group of love and support. There are no doctrines that you MUST follow, but the steps are recommended to find serentity and happiness in your life.

People married in AA aren't told to leave the partner to work on themselves. They are told to focus on their own mental health and seek help from sponsors to better their relationships within their family, but certainly not to leave.

guitars · 09-15-2008, 05:24 PM

Oh, I'm proud of her too! It was kind of a *smacks forehead* moment when she told me. Her dad is a long-time alcoholic too (but won't admit it) and she herself has been pretty crazy about alcohol-related stuff for the past couple of years. It explains a lot about the origins of our codependent dynamic, too. I'm considering Al-Anon - tried CoDA for a while, but it didn't quite feel right to me for some reason because I'm not generally very codependent in other areas of my life. I'm not really in a position to support her (being in NC initiated by her), but it'll set me up for what will come if she shows interest in reconciliation in the future.

Honestly, I'm pretty pissed off at her too - about a lot of things. I wound up moving out of our home, left a lot behind and went through a lot of painful stuff. All of this confusion and mixed messages is NOT what I need right now. The whole "space" thing really sucks when it's not mostly your problem; it's not fair. We definitely had a relationship when she started attending therapy and going to Al-Anon (before she switched over to AA) and we ultimately broke up instead of just separating because she was strongly urged not to continue our relationship until such a time as she had gone through her process.

summerpeach · 09-15-2008, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitars

We definitely had a relationship when she started attending therapy and going to Al-Anon (before she switched over to AA) and we ultimately broke up instead of just separating because she was strongly urged not to continue our relationship until such a time as she had gone through her process.

You see, I think that's totally wrong. I mean, who know what she told her "group", but if you two were married, would she just walk away from the marriage?

Life does not work that way. I could understand if you were abusive or hurting her in any way.

In any case, they told my ex the same thing. Yes, he's an ex and yes he's not longer married, but if he were still married to his ex wife who is a drug addict, would they tell him to leave her and the kids or try to work it out in private therapy?!

hersmudders · 09-15-2008, 06:01 PM

"Strongly urged" does not mean "required". In my recovery program, I've been "strongly urged" not to continue contact wiht my alcoholic ex. I didn't listen to it, and I had a relapse (in my program, it's called a "slip") and made both me and my ex suffer for it. These are people who have gone throug the same experience and know what they're talking about.

They arent told to leave a marriage or a relationship. They're urged to focus on their recovery and minimize the things they've done within the relationship that hasn't been working (such as drinking, not communicating, etc). They aren't told to leave the relationship.

In the OPs case, it seems that they were already out of the relationship and on LC whenever she was urged not to continue the relationship. That to me, as someone in recovery themselves, makes total sense.

guitars · 09-15-2008, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by summerpeach

You see, I think that's totally wrong. I mean, who know what she told her "group", but if you two were married, would she just walk away from the marriage?

I certainly wasn't abusive, but things were getting pretty hairy.

I tend to agree with you; life/people don't just wait for you to get your act together. You don't get to abandon your responsibilities and commitments just because you have a personal problem. I mean, I get the concept of not getting into new relationships or not having as much of an intense focus on your current relationships...but leaving current relationships? That's kind of messed up, kicking someone who loves you while they're already down from having to deal with the chaos and confusion that you've brought into the relationship.

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, I guess. There's nothing for it.

hersmudders · 09-15-2008, 06:07 PM

OP, were you guys already broken up whenever she received this urging from the people in her program? That's not what the program is for. If you two were together, it seems she got some ill-advised words from a program member.

summerpeach · 09-15-2008, 06:07 PM

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

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just some sites I found
My best friend was a raging alcoholic for years. She went to AA and she told me at the time they were trying to control where she worked. (She worked as a cashier at the time)
She left and stopped drinking on her own.

Not saying AA does not help people, but I've been around others who were in AA and it always seemed cultish to me

09-15-2008, 04:50 PM	#1
guitars Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 179	New revelations - my ex is an alcoholic?! So my ex and I have been in LC for the past couple of weeks, discussing mostly things not relating to the relationship...largely dealing with some of the unfinished music that we were working on together. I wanted to know if she was okay with me putting up some music on the internet that she had played on. She was okay with that and offered her graphic services and we had some disussions about that and other catching-up sort of stuff. Eventually it turned into a discussion of our breakup/separation/whatever. She told me that she loves me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me, misses me - and that she's also extremely angry with me, never wants to see me again, and wants to have sex with every cute boy she sees. She is confused, to say the least, and openly admits it. The big shocker: she has been attending AA meetings after realizing that she is an alcoholic. She has been sober for over a year, was never that intense of a drinker and has been in therapy for over a year. We discussed getting back together but she won't see me (even as friends) because she says that she is "in her disease" and that we have to stay away from each other, that she is incapable of having a relationship right now. If/when she feels that she can have a relationship again, she says that we can try again if we both still want to. We have resumed no contact - she said it was selfish of her to be having email conversations with me at this point. What in the world do I do now? I thought that she wasn't coming back and now it sounds like she will, but working the 12 Steps can take, like, a really long time, right? Her being an alcoholic explains A LOT, but that doesn't improve this sort of limbo situation that I find myself in. Any advice?

09-15-2008, 04:56 PM	#3
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,311	I'm in a 12-step program myself (Al-Anon--people affected by alcoholism but not alcoholics themselves) and it is generally recommended that you not be in a relationship for about a year in the program or till you're done doing your steps. It's not to punish anyone else; it's to work on yourself and figure out how to deal with things out of your control. I think it's amazing that she realizes her problem and is working on it. The most you can do right now is support her, be there for her if she needs it. I recommend getting yourself into Al-Anon to find ways to support her (the program is NOT used to get her to do what you want or figure out how to get her back or to quit drinking or anything--it's to figure out how to help yourself deal with an alcoholic). It takes a big step for an alcoholic to realize their problem, so I commend her for it! __________________ "yeah but i want a glow in the dark clone of my penis!!!!"--Epicproportion Spay or neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die! Remember to click "helpful post" if something on a thread was helpful!

09-15-2008, 06:01 PM	#7
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,311	"Strongly urged" does not mean "required". In my recovery program, I've been "strongly urged" not to continue contact wiht my alcoholic ex. I didn't listen to it, and I had a relapse (in my program, it's called a "slip") and made both me and my ex suffer for it. These are people who have gone throug the same experience and know what they're talking about. They arent told to leave a marriage or a relationship. They're urged to focus on their recovery and minimize the things they've done within the relationship that hasn't been working (such as drinking, not communicating, etc). They aren't told to leave the relationship. In the OPs case, it seems that they were already out of the relationship and on LC whenever she was urged not to continue the relationship. That to me, as someone in recovery themselves, makes total sense. __________________ "yeah but i want a glow in the dark clone of my penis!!!!"--Epicproportion Spay or neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die! Remember to click "helpful post" if something on a thread was helpful!

09-15-2008, 06:07 PM	#9
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,311	OP, were you guys already broken up whenever she received this urging from the people in her program? That's not what the program is for. If you two were together, it seems she got some ill-advised words from a program member. __________________ "yeah but i want a glow in the dark clone of my penis!!!!"--Epicproportion Spay or neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die! Remember to click "helpful post" if something on a thread was helpful!

09-15-2008, 04:54 PM	#2
summerpeach Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Female Age: 44 Posts: 1,402	Well I can tell you this. My ex and I have been back and forth for many months. He told me a month ago he was going to AA. I mean I knew he drank and needed therapy, but confessed he drank more than I saw. Addicts are awesome sneeks and liars by the way Then he tells me the people in AA told him to disolve all relationships in order to focus on themselves. Sounds good right? Well what do men/women do if they are married with kids, leave the partner to work on themselves. I think some AA meetings are very "cult" like and a little too intense. In your case, let her have her space, but don't wait around for her. She's obviously hurting and feels this is what she needs to get well. You take the time and find peace also

09-15-2008, 05:24 PM	#5
guitars Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 179	Oh, I'm proud of her too! It was kind of a smacks forehead moment when she told me. Her dad is a long-time alcoholic too (but won't admit it) and she herself has been pretty crazy about alcohol-related stuff for the past couple of years. It explains a lot about the origins of our codependent dynamic, too. I'm considering Al-Anon - tried CoDA for a while, but it didn't quite feel right to me for some reason because I'm not generally very codependent in other areas of my life. I'm not really in a position to support her (being in NC initiated by her), but it'll set me up for what will come if she shows interest in reconciliation in the future. Honestly, I'm pretty pissed off at her too - about a lot of things. I wound up moving out of our home, left a lot behind and went through a lot of painful stuff. All of this confusion and mixed messages is NOT what I need right now. The whole "space" thing really sucks when it's not mostly your problem; it's not fair. We definitely had a relationship when she started attending therapy and going to Al-Anon (before she switched over to AA) and we ultimately broke up instead of just separating because she was strongly urged not to continue our relationship until such a time as she had gone through her process.