me being philosophical and depressing and honest?

dogwood · 09-14-2008, 01:29 AM

Are we so weak, as humans? That we are always clinging to someone, something? A heart, a body, a cigarette, a bottle? That we can't be happy simply on our own?

Some people are happy on their own. But it's like once you've had the sickly sweet taste of desire on your tongue you can't get rid of it. Once you've wandered far enough into the woods you can't find you way out again.

There's a bottle of sprite on my desk, a cigarette ashtray (that was once a sweet smelling candle), stacks of CDs, a shot glass that could use a good rinse, piles of papers, girls' numbers.. my cracked guitar leaning beside.

Things we never used to need. Things I never used to need. I'd never tasted sprite when I was three years old. Never smoked a cigarette when I was nine. Never drank a shot of wisers when I was thirteen.

I don't remember feeling the need to get lost in music when I was younger. When you turn up your headphones full blast to have it envelop you until you can't feel anymore so the song feels for you.

I don't remember finger picking the guitar strings till my calluses tore off and my fingers bled but I kept playing cause it was all I had and I needed to finish the goddamn song.

I don't remember needing girls. Girls were my friends. Girls were cute. Boys came first anyway. But girls were just sweet and pretty and something that maybe I liked but hadn't really tried yet.

They were never a number to call for a good ****. Never a happy medium for self approval. Never something I'd let get so deep inside me it shook me from the inside and perhaps tore me down on the way out.

But I guess these things happen to the best of us.

I miss the young, naive, un-tainted me. I miss when I would come home on a fresh fall day from school, smelling and tasting the coolness in the air. Throw my bookbag on my bed, maybe practice the piano, help cook dinner, do some homework, go to the beach with a couple of friends.

I miss when I got so effing inspired by everything. When all it would take was a sweet breeze and a walk in St. James cemetery, and there I had a brilliant poem scrawled out on a napkin in my pocket.

I miss when I stayed up till 5 am for weeks consecutively - not cause I was getting drunk, not cause I was getting laid, not cause I was too torn up with emotion to really rest my head on my pillow. I was simply slaving away at a short story - what a noble cause, or determinedly charcoaling John Lee Hooker's face till it beamed perfection.

I miss sleeping. I miss not clenching my jaw with anxiety. I miss how delightfully weary I felt at the end of each day that I could be passed out and curled up on my bed with my dog in minutes.

I feel like another person now. Why can't I be something in between. Why do I feel hard edged and cold. I never used to feel this way. Why did I let girls, cigarettes, alcohol.. everything get inside me. Why did I let myself hurt the people I love. Why do I feel so far away from myself. How can I get back.

I can't get back and I know that. I can't un-wound a battered heart, I can't air out a dirty lung. I can't flush out a weakened liver and I can't forget all the hands that made their way between my legs.

I just want to know who I am again. I don't really know who I am anymore.

mellybelly · 09-14-2008, 01:35 AM

OH, your words speak to my heart.

I long for those sweet, naive days too.

mellybelly · 09-14-2008, 01:36 AM

BUT at the same time, I wouldn't take a thing back

Well, maybe I am lying to myself when I say this...But for the most part, I believe every experience was there for a reason.

dogwood · 09-14-2008, 11:37 PM

naw, i agree with you mellybelly. i don't really believe in regret either - even if we feel older and yucky and jaded.. guess we've 'lived'..

but i feel so lost now. blehhh

mellybelly · 09-15-2008, 06:19 AM

me too.

keep searching for the light.

civilservant · 09-15-2008, 04:30 PM

This is a simply wonderful narrative, full of honest and accurate observations. I think we all LNG for those simple days, and as we get older and find ourselves I believe we do become tainted from what we were meant to be.

dogwood · 09-18-2008, 11:49 PM

thank you guys, i'm glad you enjoyed it. i like how i can post stuff like this here - i have lots of blurbs and things but as you can tell they are a bit too depressing/personal to show to friends etc.

and thanks spicysangria, i'm workin on it.. i've started school now so there's much less time for partying. i guess that's good, but i feel like one day i might explode from this drastic change to trying to be studious..

unfortunately i'm young and young at heart.. i don't know if i'm ready to plunge into academia.. ha..

09-14-2008, 01:29 AM	#1
dogwood Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Toronto Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 177	me being philosophical and depressing and honest? Are we so weak, as humans? That we are always clinging to someone, something? A heart, a body, a cigarette, a bottle? That we can't be happy simply on our own? Some people are happy on their own. But it's like once you've had the sickly sweet taste of desire on your tongue you can't get rid of it. Once you've wandered far enough into the woods you can't find you way out again. There's a bottle of sprite on my desk, a cigarette ashtray (that was once a sweet smelling candle), stacks of CDs, a shot glass that could use a good rinse, piles of papers, girls' numbers.. my cracked guitar leaning beside. Things we never used to need. Things I never used to need. I'd never tasted sprite when I was three years old. Never smoked a cigarette when I was nine. Never drank a shot of wisers when I was thirteen. I don't remember feeling the need to get lost in music when I was younger. When you turn up your headphones full blast to have it envelop you until you can't feel anymore so the song feels for you. I don't remember finger picking the guitar strings till my calluses tore off and my fingers bled but I kept playing cause it was all I had and I needed to finish the goddamn song. I don't remember needing girls. Girls were my friends. Girls were cute. Boys came first anyway. But girls were just sweet and pretty and something that maybe I liked but hadn't really tried yet. They were never a number to call for a good ****. Never a happy medium for self approval. Never something I'd let get so deep inside me it shook me from the inside and perhaps tore me down on the way out. But I guess these things happen to the best of us. I miss the young, naive, un-tainted me. I miss when I would come home on a fresh fall day from school, smelling and tasting the coolness in the air. Throw my bookbag on my bed, maybe practice the piano, help cook dinner, do some homework, go to the beach with a couple of friends. I miss when I got so effing inspired by everything. When all it would take was a sweet breeze and a walk in St. James cemetery, and there I had a brilliant poem scrawled out on a napkin in my pocket. I miss when I stayed up till 5 am for weeks consecutively - not cause I was getting drunk, not cause I was getting laid, not cause I was too torn up with emotion to really rest my head on my pillow. I was simply slaving away at a short story - what a noble cause, or determinedly charcoaling John Lee Hooker's face till it beamed perfection. I miss sleeping. I miss not clenching my jaw with anxiety. I miss how delightfully weary I felt at the end of each day that I could be passed out and curled up on my bed with my dog in minutes. I feel like another person now. Why can't I be something in between. Why do I feel hard edged and cold. I never used to feel this way. Why did I let girls, cigarettes, alcohol.. everything get inside me. Why did I let myself hurt the people I love. Why do I feel so far away from myself. How can I get back. I can't get back and I know that. I can't un-wound a battered heart, I can't air out a dirty lung. I can't flush out a weakened liver and I can't forget all the hands that made their way between my legs. I just want to know who I am again. I don't really know who I am anymore.

09-14-2008, 01:35 AM	#2
mellybelly Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: phoenix, arizona Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 644	OH, your words speak to my heart. I long for those sweet, naive days too. __________________ I'm lost in wonderland and I can't find my ruby slippers. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "A whole heart is worthless. It has never seen a battlefield. It has no experience." -MJS, my love

09-14-2008, 01:36 AM	#3
mellybelly Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: phoenix, arizona Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 644	BUT at the same time, I wouldn't take a thing back Well, maybe I am lying to myself when I say this...But for the most part, I believe every experience was there for a reason. __________________ I'm lost in wonderland and I can't find my ruby slippers. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "A whole heart is worthless. It has never seen a battlefield. It has no experience." -MJS, my love

09-15-2008, 06:19 AM	#5
mellybelly Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: phoenix, arizona Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 644	me too. keep searching for the light. __________________ I'm lost in wonderland and I can't find my ruby slippers. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "A whole heart is worthless. It has never seen a battlefield. It has no experience." -MJS, my love

09-15-2008, 04:30 PM	#6
civilservant Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,055	This is a simply wonderful narrative, full of honest and accurate observations. I think we all LNG for those simple days, and as we get older and find ourselves I believe we do become tainted from what we were meant to be. __________________ "To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have" ~ Anon "Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed oppenent" ~ Anon "A real leader faces the music, even if he dosen't like the tune" ~ Anon

09-14-2008, 11:37 PM	#4
dogwood Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Toronto Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 177	naw, i agree with you mellybelly. i don't really believe in regret either - even if we feel older and yucky and jaded.. guess we've 'lived'.. but i feel so lost now. blehhh

09-18-2008, 11:49 PM	#7
dogwood Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Toronto Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 177	thank you guys, i'm glad you enjoyed it. i like how i can post stuff like this here - i have lots of blurbs and things but as you can tell they are a bit too depressing/personal to show to friends etc. and thanks spicysangria, i'm workin on it.. i've started school now so there's much less time for partying. i guess that's good, but i feel like one day i might explode from this drastic change to trying to be studious.. unfortunately i'm young and young at heart.. i don't know if i'm ready to plunge into academia.. ha..