Adult ADHD - It's Impact on Relationships.

blue_dahlia · 09-13-2008, 04:26 PM

I suspected for some time that my ex (K) (who I am dating again) has ADHD. I have since read more about it.

He has an active imagination; he's forgetful, loses things, disorganized, messy, can't manage money, lives in the moment, trouble falling asleep at night, and at times exhibits "hyper" behavior in public.

So the other night, I asked, "you forget things, huh?" He said yes - he has a very active imagination, and that as a kid his parents didn't know how to handle him.

So last night, we're driving to dinner. I asked since he forgets things if it's ok if I remind him (I didn't want to be a nag). He said, yes, absolutely. Remind him four times if I have too. I asked if he felt he had ADHD. He didn't respond, but said that he always has a thousand thoughts running through his mind, which is why he has trouble falling asleep at night, he forgets things, etc. He has been using his calendar on his phone to keep appointments straight, etc. He was tested as a kid (I think he said they tried Riddlin). He tried some "focus-something" medicine a year ago, but it made him feel weird and suicidal (he's always happy go lucky) so he stopped. He's not interested in medication, and that's fine with me.

I'm trying to understand ADHD on a "relationship level" - from you, or if you're a spouse or significant other dating someone with ADHD, I would love to hear your point of view. I'd like to learn how to cope, what works for your own relationship, insight, personal comments, stories and thoughts. Thank you!

Victoria66 · 09-13-2008, 05:33 PM

My husband has ADHD and so does my son. My husband was never treated as a child. My son is being treated. As you said the forgetting, the disorganization and lack of focus is hard to deal with. If you plan to be with him for the rest of your life then you have to look past these things and know that you will be the one reminding, organizing, fixing money matters, and in general giving a lot of support. In return you will get exuberance, a new way to see the world, and a busy busy life. If you can live with this then that is great, if not then you have to move on. Social situations can sometimes be embarassing because they are sometimes not the most social people and they can make some huge social faux paux. Their understanding or focus on social cues is limited.

Another thing is, you CAN NOT change them, it is not something they can control, this is the way that their brain operates. Self control in them is very limited at best, so do not expect enormous change in behavoir.

crosstownTraffic · 09-13-2008, 05:52 PM

So.. what is you are the person with ADHD.. then what? Are you looked upon by others as some mal-adjusted person who needs meds?

I think both me & my dad exhibit some of these tendencies, forget stuff, very good imagination, more live in the here & now, then one day soon, but my dad was brilliant and I graduated from 2 credited universities, so I wish people would stop expecting people with ADHD to get on medication.
Because, you know.... medication has lots of side effects. Sometimes even the drug companies don't now what they are.. but are all these ppl with these tendencies considered adhd?
I'm not trying to be accusatory, just wondering.....
I surely would not subject myself to lifelong medication.

blue_dahlia · 09-13-2008, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crosstownTraffic

So.. what is you are the person with ADHD.. then what? Are you looked upon by others as some mal-adjusted person who needs meds?

I think both me & my dad exhibit some of these tendencies, forget stuff, very good imagination, more live in the here & now, then one day soon, but my dad was brilliant and I graduated from 2 credited universities, so I wish people would stop expecting people with ADHD to get on medication.
Because, you know.... medication has lots of side effects. Sometimes even the drug companies don't now what they are.. but are all these ppl with these tendencies considered adhd?
I'm not trying to be accusatory, just wondering.....
I surely would not subject myself to lifelong medication.

Hi, I'm a little confused by your post. I'm certainly not pushing medication whatsoever. I don't know anything about it to even give an opinion. In fact, I was surprised that K even tried medication. I don't feel that was Victoria's point either.

I also don't look @ K as some "maladjusted" person. In fact, he's incredibly smart, very generous, sensitive, sexy as hell, trustworthy, kind and extremely loving. He has his quirks, but who doesn't? I'm just trying to understand.

blue_dahlia · 09-13-2008, 06:10 PM

Thank you both for your insight!!

Victoria66 · 09-13-2008, 06:14 PM

Many of them are brilliant. Thomas Edison had ADHD as well as Ben Franklin and many others. It is all in how they are raised. Medication helps many of them make vital connections in their brain to make it easier for them to be educated and act as we expect socially. True we do not know all the complications of the new medications, but my son is completely incapable of being educated without medication.Yes, I worry that the medication may harm him later, but I have to live today. He needs an education and this is how it has to be done. I have tried him without medication and he sat there for entire school days end upon end doing NOTHING, not one thing, for months. So I know his avenue is medication.

My husband also graduated from university as well. ADHD is NO precurser to being stupid at all.

Rose21 · 09-13-2008, 06:15 PM

I too have ADHD. Although I stopped taking medication before entering high school.

I don't really get "hyper active" the only thing that is hyper about me, is my mouth (aka talking. ALOT) And that I always have a thousand of thoughts brewing in my head.

Some people say, "If there is something bothering you, don't think about it. Or, "thats a bad thought, don't think about that!" That is something that is literely IMPOSSIBLE for me, if something is bothering me I cannot stop thinking about it, and that would be the only reason why I wouldnt be able to sleep.

I can be forgetful with certain things. But with arrangements with family and friends, and work, or taking my b-control pill is something I NEVER forget.

I am messy and disorganized though, and the money thing is a hard thing for me, altho I am saving now.

Idk, most of my problems just stem from the b-control I switched off and screwing up my hormones on my pill the 1st month. Since then, I have emotional moods all the time. Almost like bi-polar.

My boyfriend is sooo patient.

Victoria66 · 09-13-2008, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue_dahlia

Hi, I'm a little confused by your post. I'm certainly not pushing medication whatsoever. I don't know anything about it to even give an opinion. In fact, I was surprised that K even tried medication. I don't feel that was Victoria's point either.

I also don't look @ K as some "maladjusted" person. In fact, he's incredibly smart, very generous, sensitive, sexy as hell, trustworthy, kind and extremely loving. He has his quirks, but who doesn't? I'm just trying to understand.

Yes, true I am not pushing medication, some people need it, some do not. My son is FAR more severe than my husband. I do not look at either of them as mal adujusted. I love them dearly.

I ws just saying it can be very frustrating and you need almost super human patience sometimes.

Blue, you can ask me anything you like. I have been with my husband for 20 years and my son is 11 I am well used to the behavoirs.

blue_dahlia · 09-13-2008, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Blue, you can ask me anything you like. I have been with my husband for 20 years and my son is 11 I am well used to the behavoirs.

Thank you

We're off to the ocean shortly, but I will post more when I return.

blue_dahlia · 09-13-2008, 07:50 PM

Thank you for sharing, Rose.

09-13-2008, 04:26 PM	#1
blue_dahlia Offline Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 498	Adult ADHD - It's Impact on Relationships. I suspected for some time that my ex (K) (who I am dating again) has ADHD. I have since read more about it. He has an active imagination; he's forgetful, loses things, disorganized, messy, can't manage money, lives in the moment, trouble falling asleep at night, and at times exhibits "hyper" behavior in public. So the other night, I asked, "you forget things, huh?" He said yes - he has a very active imagination, and that as a kid his parents didn't know how to handle him. So last night, we're driving to dinner. I asked since he forgets things if it's ok if I remind him (I didn't want to be a nag). He said, yes, absolutely. Remind him four times if I have too. I asked if he felt he had ADHD. He didn't respond, but said that he always has a thousand thoughts running through his mind, which is why he has trouble falling asleep at night, he forgets things, etc. He has been using his calendar on his phone to keep appointments straight, etc. He was tested as a kid (I think he said they tried Riddlin). He tried some "focus-something" medicine a year ago, but it made him feel weird and suicidal (he's always happy go lucky) so he stopped. He's not interested in medication, and that's fine with me. I'm trying to understand ADHD on a "relationship level" - from you, or if you're a spouse or significant other dating someone with ADHD, I would love to hear your point of view. I'd like to learn how to cope, what works for your own relationship, insight, personal comments, stories and thoughts. Thank you! __________________ "I found love again and it's even sweeter the second time around." Last edited by blue_dahlia; 09-13-2008 at 05:00 PM.

09-13-2008, 05:33 PM	#2
Victoria66 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: for now where the CF sends us Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 4,600	My husband has ADHD and so does my son. My husband was never treated as a child. My son is being treated. As you said the forgetting, the disorganization and lack of focus is hard to deal with. If you plan to be with him for the rest of your life then you have to look past these things and know that you will be the one reminding, organizing, fixing money matters, and in general giving a lot of support. In return you will get exuberance, a new way to see the world, and a busy busy life. If you can live with this then that is great, if not then you have to move on. Social situations can sometimes be embarassing because they are sometimes not the most social people and they can make some huge social faux paux. Their understanding or focus on social cues is limited. Another thing is, you CAN NOT change them, it is not something they can control, this is the way that their brain operates. Self control in them is very limited at best, so do not expect enormous change in behavoir. __________________ ADHD= Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension. For my Indigo son. Know how to suffer and how to laugh. Mother Teresa If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa Run amok empath= the end of little miss nice girl. Tomorrow IS another day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EM7FaOc3Zk What Child Is This.

09-13-2008, 06:10 PM	#5
blue_dahlia Offline Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 498	Thank you both for your insight!! __________________ "I found love again and it's even sweeter the second time around."

09-13-2008, 06:14 PM	#6
Victoria66 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: for now where the CF sends us Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 4,600	Many of them are brilliant. Thomas Edison had ADHD as well as Ben Franklin and many others. It is all in how they are raised. Medication helps many of them make vital connections in their brain to make it easier for them to be educated and act as we expect socially. True we do not know all the complications of the new medications, but my son is completely incapable of being educated without medication.Yes, I worry that the medication may harm him later, but I have to live today. He needs an education and this is how it has to be done. I have tried him without medication and he sat there for entire school days end upon end doing NOTHING, not one thing, for months. So I know his avenue is medication. My husband also graduated from university as well. ADHD is NO precurser to being stupid at all. __________________ ADHD= Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension. For my Indigo son. Know how to suffer and how to laugh. Mother Teresa If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa Run amok empath= the end of little miss nice girl. Tomorrow IS another day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EM7FaOc3Zk What Child Is This.

09-13-2008, 07:50 PM	#10
blue_dahlia Offline Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 498	Thank you for sharing, Rose. __________________ "I found love again and it's even sweeter the second time around."

09-13-2008, 05:52 PM	#3
crosstownTraffic Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: United States Gender: Female Posts: 655	So.. what is you are the person with ADHD.. then what? Are you looked upon by others as some mal-adjusted person who needs meds? I think both me & my dad exhibit some of these tendencies, forget stuff, very good imagination, more live in the here & now, then one day soon, but my dad was brilliant and I graduated from 2 credited universities, so I wish people would stop expecting people with ADHD to get on medication. Because, you know.... medication has lots of side effects. Sometimes even the drug companies don't now what they are.. but are all these ppl with these tendencies considered adhd? I'm not trying to be accusatory, just wondering..... I surely would not subject myself to lifelong medication.

09-13-2008, 06:15 PM	#7
Rose21 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 2,589	I too have ADHD. Although I stopped taking medication before entering high school. I don't really get "hyper active" the only thing that is hyper about me, is my mouth (aka talking. ALOT) And that I always have a thousand of thoughts brewing in my head. Some people say, "If there is something bothering you, don't think about it. Or, "thats a bad thought, don't think about that!" That is something that is literely IMPOSSIBLE for me, if something is bothering me I cannot stop thinking about it, and that would be the only reason why I wouldnt be able to sleep. I can be forgetful with certain things. But with arrangements with family and friends, and work, or taking my b-control pill is something I NEVER forget. I am messy and disorganized though, and the money thing is a hard thing for me, altho I am saving now. Idk, most of my problems just stem from the b-control I switched off and screwing up my hormones on my pill the 1st month. Since then, I have emotional moods all the time. Almost like bi-polar. My boyfriend is sooo patient.