Relationships and ADHD (ADD)

[cka04]

Do you have ADHD or have you been in love with someone who does? I was in a challenging relationship with someone who I long suspected has (and who a counsellor has since diagnosed as having) ADHD, but a second counsellor's diagnosis was inconclusive so I'm trying to sort out to what extent our problems might have really been related to ADHD.

My last post about the relationship with all the details got locked by the moderator, but you can find it if you search for it.

I don't want a repeat of the discussion on that thread. I really would just like to ask: what are your experiences with ADHD and the following aspects of a relationship-

1) infidelity
2) addiction: marijuana, porn etc
3) temper, depression, suicidal thoughts and other moods (and mood swings)
4) hurtful comments and language
5) inability to assume adult responsibilities
6) problems at work
7) problems with in-laws, friends
inability to follow through on mutual agreements
9) unreliability

Or anything else. I'd love it if we could get some ideas out here about how ADHD impacts a relationship/marriage because I'm really unsure if ADHD is the real cause of the problems, or something else.

Thanks and let's keep this strictly on ADHD.

[chocolates]

As a person who works with children who have ADHD, I am surprised at the sort of symptoms that present in adults. I would think that many of those symptoms are just present in "people" regardless of the label.

So my opinion on this is that you need to forget about whether it is ADHD or not- forget about the label- and ask yourself if you want to be with someone with these behavioural symptoms. Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is no easier to cope with simply because you have the label of ADHD.

In my experience being around someone with ADHD is extremely draining, and I dont know how family or friends cope with it.

I dont know if this is releveant to yopur discussion, but how would you feel about him if he didnt have this label of ADHD on him? I mean all the things like infidelity etc, wouldnt that just make him a @#$!@ - and you'd be posting a completely different thread?

In the end, its how you feel about his behaviour that counts. You are not required to put up with it, simply because he has been "diagnosed".

And by the way, as a professional in this field I can tell you that these labels are thrown about way too easily.

[psychoanalytical]

Yeah... ADHD can impact on marriage/relationships in various ways - children with ADHD may develop into anti-social personality disorder and other forms of personality disorders - features of which you describe. take him to a psychiatrist.
--> Medications.
--> Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
--> Supportive psychotherapy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As I said in your previous thread..you are focusing too much on the ADHD...while he may have ADHD his character issues are indicative of a personality disorder way more serious than ADHD. ADHD is just the tip of the iceberg with this man. It is really too bad you are so focused on this relatively minor disorder rather than on seeing the big picture of who he is as a person and how destructive he has been and clearly still is for you.

[chocolates]

Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs

As I said in your previous thread..you are focusing too much on the ADHD...while he may have ADHD his character issues are indicative of a personality disorder way more serious than ADHD. ADHD is just the tip of the iceberg with this man. It is really too bad you are so focused on this relatively minor disorder rather than on seeing the big picture of who he is as a person and how destructive he has been and clearly still is for you.

This is exactly what i mean. I haven't seen your other threads, but yeah you need to realise that having the label of ADHD doesnt excuse this sort of behaviour, and the negative impact it will have on you. Is it just your way of validating a destructive relationship?

[chocolates]

Originally Posted by cka04

1) infidelity
2) addiction: marijuana, porn etc
3) temper, depression, suicidal thoughts and other moods (and mood swings)
4) hurtful comments and language
5) inability to assume adult responsibilities
6) problems at work
7) problems with in-laws, friends
inability to follow through on mutual agreements
9) unreliability

.

I've read the post now.

Addiction to marijuana can lead to ALLL of the other "symptoms " on the list above.

I think ADHD is just a convenient label here. Did the people who diagnosed him know he smokes a lot of pot?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Unless he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) and treated with the proper ADHD drugs (and showed improvement on them) then those symptoms could be attributed to anything from drug addiction to being spoiled and self centered.

I had an ex who hated to work and had every one of those symptoms you describe and when thru a phase where he claimed he was depressed, then a phase where he decided he had ADHD, but mostly he just hated to work and do anything other than exactly what he wanted to do at any given moment.

I insisted he go to a psychiatrist or I would leave him, and the doctor tried him on Ritalin (ADHD drug) for one day and he climbed the wall, and the psychiatrist said if he reacted that way to Ritalin, he obviously didn't have ADHD (where people calm with Ritalin as opposed to get cranked up on it).

The psychiatrist then diagnosed arrested development, as in he didn't want to grow up and wanted to stay as irresponsible as a child. His choice, and i left because it ws not my choice to take that abuse from a grown man who didn't really want to grow up.

So unless he's been to a psychiatrist and gotten a diagnosis and taken that drug challenge, then there's a good chance he is NOT ADHD, just behaving really badly and trying to get you to accept that and take on life's adult responsbilities for him.

[Victoria66]

Originally Posted by cka04

Do you have ADHD or have you been in love with someone who does? I was in a challenging relationship with someone who I long suspected has (and who a counsellor has since diagnosed as having) ADHD, but a second counsellor's diagnosis was inconclusive so I'm trying to sort out to what extent our problems might have really been related to ADHD.

My last post about the relationship with all the details got locked by the moderator, but you can find it if you search for it.

I don't want a repeat of the discussion on that thread. I really would just like to ask: what are your experiences with ADHD and the following aspects of a relationship-

1) infidelity
2) addiction: marijuana, porn etc
3) temper, depression, suicidal thoughts and other moods (and mood swings)
4) hurtful comments and language
5) inability to assume adult responsibilities
6) problems at work
7) problems with in-laws, friends
inability to follow through on mutual agreements
9) unreliability

Or anything else. I'd love it if we could get some ideas out here about how ADHD impacts a relationship/marriage because I'm really unsure if ADHD is the real cause of the problems, or something else.

Thanks and let's keep this strictly on ADHD.

My husband has ADHD and so does my son. These things must be diagoised by a medical dr or psychiatrist. ADHD does NOT cause infidelity, nor addiction to drugs, thoes are problems of every day people NOT specific to thoes people with that genetic variation. They do have a shorter attention span than we do and do not understand all the social cues that we do. They do have problems with work and or school and with people, but it is not an all the time thing. If he has never been treated, if he even has the disorder then he needs to learn methods to cope with it.

[Victoria66]

Originally Posted by psychoanalytical

Yeah... ADHD can impact on marriage/relationships in various ways - children with ADHD may develop into anti-social personality disorder and other forms of personality disorders - features of which you describe. take him to a psychiatrist.
--> Medications.
--> Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
--> Supportive psychotherapy.

Personality disorders are VERY different from the lack of understand social cues that ADHD people have. Personality disorders are very serious mental illnesses, you can not lable ADHD people as severely mentally ill. All the things you mention to help them are true, medications and various therapy, but they do not have personality disorder, which is usually caused by severe childhood abuse.

[Victoria66]

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

Here is something that might help you and I am looking for more adult symptoms as well.
[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

Now in the last article it does mention substance abuse but my husband has none of these issues, and I know it is common to all of them, but some can because they have had no help and suffer huge esteem issues.