Falling Out Of Love... What Does It Feel Like?
This question is part hypothetical, part reality. I'm partly trying to gauge what other people feel in their own minds as well as what I am feeling.
What does falling out of love feel like?
I'm hoping I'm not feeling it, but I'm afraid I may be. I'm becoming disillusioned to what has become of our relationship. Its not that things are terrible. Nobody is cheating or lying or anything. Its just that the general 'feel' of things isn't what I had hoped for in a relationship nearing the one year mark. Granted, we have been through a lot more than the average couple over the course of the year.
I still feel an incredibly strong desire to be with her. I still feel as though losing her I would be crushed and devastated. We still have passion in our relationship, a lot of passion. Our sex life, though its slowed down drastically, is still good. We still hang out, cuddle, hold hands in public, make love with passion not just to fulfill a need, all that stuff. When we are happy together, we are really happy.
But at the same time, I think about being single again a lot. Because when we aren't happy, its horrible. We fight and argue a lot. She has a quick temper and a serious attitude whereas I have a fairly laid back approach to life. However, I am also pretty defensive so when attacked I generally don't just sit there and take it. On the flip side, my laid back attitude also is the cause of a lot of her grief. Likewise, her incredibly easy ability to get all fired up causes all sorts of suffering.
Without going into page long droning detail, it just seems overall that my patience is wearing thin. Every time she gives me attitude I'm becoming less and less willing to work with the situation, and instead just walk off or snap back. Instead of working her back into positive thinking, I just let her stew in her negativity. And I find I don't care as much when that happens.
I think about what life would be like without her and in one thought I'm happy. In the next I'm devastated. If I had to act today, I couldn't just walk away so I guess that says a lot. But this path I'm headed down, maybe in some time, I would be able to and it wouldn't hurt as much.
She claims to be in this 100%, and I believe her, only because I know this is her first relationship with a guy that respects her. Her first real relationship. I've heard stories of her past relationships, and they are pretty intense. So I know she's a little green at all this, and to her maybe this is normal. To me its not. The last loving relationship I was in prior to this was a marriage that ended over two years ago. There was never even a quarter of the amount of attitude and bickering and fights.
I've been in love three times, and the two other times it wasn't me who left. All the times I do leave are in flings or short term relationships. So these feelings are quite new.
I hope there is a way out of these feelings. At this point I'd rather be with her than not, but all this negativity is starting to eat away at me. I really love the girl but its not easy being with her.
Its a challenging situation, I feel very similar to my own relationship. I am also the more laid back guy with an argumentative, high stress partner. I've never fought to the degree that I do now with my current partner.
Unlike you however I am 10 years into the relationship, 5 of them married. The end may be near, but that's another story...
Only having my experiences to draw on, I can offer 3 pieces of advice.
1) For the most part, people do not change. The issues that are there now will be there next year, and will be there in 10 years. You need to either accept or reject that. If this is an issue for you currently to the point that it makes you unhappy then you know what to do.
2) As far as 'falling out of love'. This is directly related to my above statement. You have not accepted her difference of emotion, and it eats away at you slowly. Instead of focusing on the good things you can't shake your thoughts about the negative issues in the relationship. This builds up resentment and causes loss of 'love'.
3) The biggie... Have you spoken with her about it? Seriously, if you love this woman and want it to work she needs to understand.
I hope I am not projecting my issues too much on this, but it sounds so similar to my situation. Good luck.
Sometimes I feel the same as you - I'm TOTALLY laid back, while my gf has an itinerary for the weekend come Wednesday sometimes, lol.
I love my girlfriend to death, but I think about the freedom I had when I was single. I could just lay around all day, play video games, eat cheetos for breakfast and leave my place a complete mess. Hell, I work 2 jobs - I earned a break! Well, my girlfriend gets on my case to clean up my place and I actually go out and do things with her most of the weekend or run errands instead of lazing around with my free time.
I guess that’s the price you pay though. Is it worth it to you? It is to me. I find that when I think about when I was single, I suggest my gf and I have our own “day” where she relaxes with her sister and I veg at home. It’s really nice. You kinda get it out of your system and it feels good. Do you spend an enormous amount of time with your girl?
I've also fought a lot with this gf (actually depends on how much is a lot - us is once every 2 weeks maybe), but I've fought more in previous relationships. I also haven't had a girlfriend who did such nice things for me, though. Hell, I haven't had a girlfriend who didn't cheat on me before! But she's great and we share similar values.
I appreciate that.
It sounds to me that you both still have passion for the relationship - even if it is rocky at times. That is good in that you both care enough to stay together and stay engaged.
Falling out of love, the opposite of love, is apathy. You just don't care anymore. Good or bad, the relationship and person simply ceases to matter.
I write my opinion from the opposite view.
You sound very similar to my boyfriend, and I sound very similar to your gf. Last night we had a fight and the things you just stated are some things he said. All I can say from being on this side is first you need to tell us what we are doing. Second have patience for us to try and change the behavior.
When your whole life you react a certain way you can't help but continue to react that way. It takes time and conditioning to change that, but it can happen.
As for the negativity, some people will always be negative. Some couple compliment each other due to one being positive and the other negative, all the same you should mention that to her as well. Let her know that it's starting to wear on you.
The most important comment you made that shows me you are NOT falling out of love with her is "At this point I'd rather be with her than not". You still want to fight for this, people who feel no love for the other would not want to fight.
I think you're going through the natural stage of disillusionment that happens in any relationship. For the first year or so, the "falling in love" chemicals in your brain are going crazy and everything seems great. Your partner seems ideal and you feel what many refer to as "in love." Gradually these chemicals start to fade, and while you still may love your partner, the "spark" has faded and you become bored. Disillisionment starts because the chemicals that acted as blinders before are going away and you begin to notice that your partner isn't perfect. You realize you're different people, and those differences become apparent through more frequent arguments. You feel like you're falling out of love, and in a way you are. The relationship will never be as new and exhilarating as it once was, but you have the potential to develop a deeper, more stable love.
At this point, you've got to look at your partner honestly, as a person, and decide what you want to do. Try to put your emotions aside and think about how compatable you two really are as individuals. Keep in mind that people don't often change; what you see in this girl is what you get. You can either decide that this person is not perfect but you are willing to accept their flaws and try to move forward with the relationship, or that the personality differences between you are too great for either of you to be happy together in the long run.
From my experience, I felt the same feelings if disillusionment and "falling out of love" in my last relationship. Like you, it was the first time I had ever felt this way. None of my previous relationships had lasted long enough to get to this point. I ended up leaving the relationship. For me, the deciding factor was that we both wanted different things at this point in our lives, and if we didn't break up now these differences were bound to break us up eventually. We were both college sophomores, and I felt that I was too young and that there were too many people at school to meet for me to be tied down to any big commitment.I wasn't ready for this yet. I saw our relationship as something fun with someone I enjoyed being with, and nothing really beyond that. Like you, I dreamed about being single a lot towards the end of the relationship. He, on the other hand, took our relationship very seriously and told me he wanted to be with me for the next 20 years. It was a very difficult thing for me to do, because I cared about him a lot and valued what I had with him, but I ended up leaving, because I knew that if I stayed our different attitudes towards the relationship would only cause us more pain later on.
Last edited by sparkles4; 09-13-2008 at 01:42 PM.
I am kinda headfirst in that acceptance vs. rejection phase I think. Its not something that I can figure out over the course of a week, it takes time. And that is part of the problem. I need to figure out if I can live with these traits or not. In the meantime its becoming very stressful.
Originally Posted by SenorNieve
This is a biggie, as I have spoken to her about my issues with her temper and attitude on quite a few occasions now. Little to no change has occurred. Thing is, I can't expect her to change her personality, only the way she treats me. She doesn't seem to be able to have the power to change the way she treats me, that or she doesn't see a problem with her actions.
Originally Posted by SenorNieve
Originally Posted by StretchGee
Originally Posted by darkpumpkin
Yes, we definitely do still have passion. Unfortunately, staying together is become difficult despite still having passion. This is not a relationship that will fall apart through apathy or monotony. Its a relationship that will crash and burn when one of us gets fed up.
The problem is that rationally speaking, I know this relationship is good for me at the moment, and is bringing me a lot of satisfaction and fulfillment. I know that it is providing her with fulfillment too. On the other hand, I can also see how this relationship, despite the positives its doing for my life, is not in my best interest. We have different personalities, different lifestyles, different family related goals, and its looking to be that our futures may not be totally compatible.
Originally Posted by sparkles4
It's like that voice you once found cute and melodious now sounds like fingernails scraping on a chalkboard.
Falling out of love feels like waking up from some other place. Falling out of love is a flurry of emotions, a flurry of thoughts, a void that you need to fill right away.
To me, falling out of love is also a part of moving on and healing...
At which point during the fallin gout of love process do you decide to move on.. not just emotionally, but actually leaving the relationship?
Originally Posted by Wotgorilla?
I really don't think I could bring myself to leave just yet. I feel as though I have to shut down quite a bit more until I know that I can leave without feeling any substantial amounts of regret... at least not regret that I know is only emotional and not rational regret... to which I'd feel now. I'd regret that I didn't at least try to see this through to the end and try to pick up as many pieces as I can... despite meaning that I'd be spending at least some time in this relationship with my heart turned off.
We've spoken about moving on and just how real a breakup is. In the past week its become apparent that both of us love each other immensely, but the idea of us splitting is very very real if we can't work through this. The thought alone I think is almost doing more harm than good as its closing off both our hearts to making this work. Especially her's, as she's far more fragile than me and tends to run from her problems instead of tackling them. Its becoming evident that she may close her heart off or even sabotage the last of this relationship to protect herself from an oncoming trainwreck.
Its funny, things shouldn't really be as bad as they seem. Maybe they are not. But I have a suspicion they are just as bad as they seem if that makes any sense at all.
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