Winning over my boyfriends mother...Can it be done?

angela12 · 09-09-2008, 07:46 PM

I honestly thought I would never meet someone again. Those of you who helped me through my hard break-up ( previous posts ) will know that I went through a hard time with my last ex bf. Anyway, now I have met someone fantastic. Problem is …. He is the youngest boy again in the family, Greek origin and once again I have an inkling of a controlling Mother.
We have been going out for about 4 months now and he has met all my family, we are VERY relaxed and I really didn’t grow up with rules. I am 26 years old and my bf is 30 and still at home. His father passed away suddenly from cancer about a year ago and it was a great shock to everyone. Since then I have a feeling the mother has tightened her strings on her son. When I think about it its all she has left, his sister is 35 and married with one child and my bf still lives at home in a huge house with his mother. He has grown up with fairly strict rules, pays board helps out with the bills and groceries.
Last week she asked him to meet me. I am petrified I am going to be in another controlling mother situation. For the mother believes that he should never stay overnight with a girl unless they are engaged out of respect for the parents ( the girls parents ) I bought him clothes for his bday and he showed his mother and she replied, why did she buy you so many clothes? I like the way you dress? He explained that I got them discounted and that’s why there was so many.
Bottom line is how has everyone dealt with their boyfriends mother? Has anyone ever experienced controlling situations? I mean the reason I think also is the predominantly ethnic families tend to stay at home a little longer, hence the reason for him being 30 years old and still at home, then problems like this occur. I would really like to be close with her considering I do not have a mother daughter relationship at all with my mother and could see this the perfect opportunity to get some female bonding that I never got.

Caterina · 09-09-2008, 07:56 PM

Look, all you can do is be nice. Buy her flowers, tell her that her son is wonderful. If she doesn't like you: thats her. Actually, when you visit family, even though you are supposed to impress: THEY are also supposed to show you that they will be decent people, also. If the guy's mother is hard to deal with this early on: thats a quick sign to BAIL for me.

redhearts · 09-09-2008, 08:00 PM

I dealt with a bit of a harsh older sister. Its a little hard but you have to just smile and act like everything is alright, without looking like your on drugs lol.

_Asti_ · 09-09-2008, 08:24 PM

I dealt with a slightly difficult mother.
My boyfriend's father passed away when he was 5. His mother has stuck to him like nothing I have seen. He is her world.
She used to call him several times a night, check up on him, give him curfew, take away priveleges...we're talking a man in his 20's. I wasn't allowed over when she wasn't there, and she would go bananas if he ever spent the night here.

Honestly, it was a little overwhelming.

In the past, she never spoke to any of his girlfriends. His last serious relationship was with a girl of different race, and for their entire 3 year relationship, she never spoke to her son.

So, least to say..I had alot of work to do to inch my way in and prove myself to her.

Luckily my boyfriend knew how hard she can be, and he helped things ALOT. He never put me in tough situations with her, never left me alone with her, would break the ice, would bring up topics that he thought her and I could bond over and discuss..and slowly but surely we've built a decent relationship over the years.

She values me, appreciates me, and believes in us. I never let her son walk all over me, if he treated me badly, I would make sure it never happened again, I didn't let him get away with things, I kept him in line with his schooling, and we connected on alot of things that we agreed on when it came to her son, which was a huge thing in her eyes.

Now years later, she's not even an issue. We hardly hear from her, her and I go out for breakfast or lunch, we spend time together.

I think it was just a matter of proving myself to her. I am almost 5 years younger than him, but I proved that I am not immature, or childish. I don't play games with her son, what we have is true and genuine and she's come to know that and to a certain extent feels that he's ok, and safe with me. And she has let go of the ropes that kept him so close to her.

karvala · 09-09-2008, 08:41 PM

I've never had a problem with any partner's mother historically, I suspect for three reasons. Firstly is luck; it really does depend a lot on the character of the mother. Secondly is charm; you need to be able to read people's character very quickly, realise the form of behaviour that will serve you best with them and implement it before any other impression is able to form. Thirdly is pre-emptive preparation with your partner: it needs to be clear that ultimately, your partner's mother is his responsibility, not yours. While trying to get on with her is fine and helpful, he needs to be on your side while you're doing so, so his mother knows that she is also on trial. Almost all of the problems I see here and elsewhere related to partner's controlling mothers comes down to the fact that the partner is not supportive, and acts too deferentially towards their mother, which just invites this sort of problem.

Jeremiah Johnson · 09-09-2008, 08:53 PM

Maybe you won't have a problem at all... but if she does turn out to be a problem, then you need to evaluate if she's the only problem. A lot of controlling mother situations have not only the mother to blame, but the son as well. After a certain age, it's his responsibility to make his own space and life. He should care for her, sure... but not at the expense of losing a chance for a healthy future family of his own.

I love my mother, but if she treated my girlfriend/fiancee like crap (she wouldn't) then she would begin to have very limited contact with me. I take negative influences under heavy consideration whether they are blood relation or not.

I realize you care for this guy, but if you start thinking you need to tell him to man up, then do so. Because if he needs to and he won't, then the relationship is already doomed.

I do feel for older people with children who believe they have no one else in the world, but that absolutely cannot be used as an excuse to be selfish and ruin their child's future happiness. His mother does have a choice... she can choose to be kind and accepting or not. If she chooses the latter and he has to tell her goodbye, then she is responsible for that - not him.

Riley99 · 09-09-2008, 09:50 PM

My ex boyfriend had a seriously controlling mother. He worshipped her and vice versa even though she was controlling and very condescending. He was very successful and she would attribute that success to her. When we were looking at his baby pictures, I would say, he is so handsome and instead of simply agreeing, she'd say "THANK YOU" as if she was responsible (I suppose that is partly true). While he lived away from home, he called her EVERY DAY even if he worked 15 hours a day and was too tired to call me. He wanted to buy a lot with 2 houses on it so that she could live in one. It would have been a nightmare because he put her first and she knew it. He liked me (because I have a successful career) but complained to him about my height (I am petite) after he told her that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She would remind him every day to think about it because he would have short kids. He never wanted to talk back to her because his older sister already did.

I am so glad that I am not in that family and am no longer with him. I think it is bearable to have a witch for a mother in law (note that she was always nice to my face and even told me she loved me), but your boyfriend HAS to put you first if it ever comes between you two. That is the main thing - to have his support, not matter what the situation. If you have that, you can deal with her. Good luck.

Riley99 · 09-09-2008, 09:52 PM

I realized that I didn't answer your question. Well, there are things that you cannot control about your boyfriend's mother. I think the key to getting along with a controlling mother is to go along with it - defer to her, let her feel like she is the boss and #1. Then she won't feel threatened by you - the NEW love in his life. Make it appear that you will NOT be taking her little son away from her and she might let you in.

Caterina · 09-09-2008, 10:46 PM

I'd rather not deal with a difficult family-- when I find out that the family sucks, I leave...I am NOT going to deal with that for the rest of my life unless the man knows how to put them in their place. If he placates to his mother's ridiculousness, I'm out of there.

I think a man who is respectful to his mother and loves her is highly desirable. I think a man who is a momma's boy who puts his mother over anything else, including his girl, makes me want to throw up.

angela12 · 09-09-2008, 11:21 PM

A big thank you to all the responses that I have gotten, wonderful insight. I will have to let you all know how it comes along.
The only thing I can do is my best at the end of the day and to just be myself. My boyfriend is actually really excited to meet his mother, this is his first serious relationship in 4 years and he hasnt brang anyone home. He has even dropped comments about marriage if this goes right, so I guess I know he is serious about me.
I think she has to realise that she has to let go of her son one day, as I am certain she would want grandchildren from him. Although when she was overseas for 8 weeks she did call him every day ( which I think is within reason as he is a severe diabetic, which I guess the reason for the over protectiveness ) I think I just have to reassure her that I am capable and she will always be no. 1, they are the best cook etc, butter her up a little.

09-09-2008, 07:56 PM	#2
Caterina Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,100	Look, all you can do is be nice. Buy her flowers, tell her that her son is wonderful. If she doesn't like you: thats her. Actually, when you visit family, even though you are supposed to impress: THEY are also supposed to show you that they will be decent people, also. If the guy's mother is hard to deal with this early on: thats a quick sign to BAIL for me. __________________ How do they do it, the ones who make love without love? These are the true religious, the purists, the pros, the ones who will not accept a false Messiah, love the priest instead of the God. -- Sharon Olds

09-09-2008, 08:24 PM	#4
_Asti_ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 2,353	I dealt with a slightly difficult mother. My boyfriend's father passed away when he was 5. His mother has stuck to him like nothing I have seen. He is her world. She used to call him several times a night, check up on him, give him curfew, take away priveleges...we're talking a man in his 20's. I wasn't allowed over when she wasn't there, and she would go bananas if he ever spent the night here. Honestly, it was a little overwhelming. In the past, she never spoke to any of his girlfriends. His last serious relationship was with a girl of different race, and for their entire 3 year relationship, she never spoke to her son. So, least to say..I had alot of work to do to inch my way in and prove myself to her. Luckily my boyfriend knew how hard she can be, and he helped things ALOT. He never put me in tough situations with her, never left me alone with her, would break the ice, would bring up topics that he thought her and I could bond over and discuss..and slowly but surely we've built a decent relationship over the years. She values me, appreciates me, and believes in us. I never let her son walk all over me, if he treated me badly, I would make sure it never happened again, I didn't let him get away with things, I kept him in line with his schooling, and we connected on alot of things that we agreed on when it came to her son, which was a huge thing in her eyes. Now years later, she's not even an issue. We hardly hear from her, her and I go out for breakfast or lunch, we spend time together. I think it was just a matter of proving myself to her. I am almost 5 years younger than him, but I proved that I am not immature, or childish. I don't play games with her son, what we have is true and genuine and she's come to know that and to a certain extent feels that he's ok, and safe with me. And she has let go of the ropes that kept him so close to her. __________________ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ __________________ I got so much love For you darlin' and I, I wanna let you know how I feel And it's true that I love you And it's true your the only one and I do, I adore you And it's true You make me feel alive ___________________

09-09-2008, 08:41 PM	#5
karvala Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,331	I've never had a problem with any partner's mother historically, I suspect for three reasons. Firstly is luck; it really does depend a lot on the character of the mother. Secondly is charm; you need to be able to read people's character very quickly, realise the form of behaviour that will serve you best with them and implement it before any other impression is able to form. Thirdly is pre-emptive preparation with your partner: it needs to be clear that ultimately, your partner's mother is his responsibility, not yours. While trying to get on with her is fine and helpful, he needs to be on your side while you're doing so, so his mother knows that she is also on trial. Almost all of the problems I see here and elsewhere related to partner's controlling mothers comes down to the fact that the partner is not supportive, and acts too deferentially towards their mother, which just invites this sort of problem. __________________ May you live all the days of your life Trying to heal from after a breakup? Perhaps you need Enhanced No Contact: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1438257

09-09-2008, 10:46 PM	#9
Caterina Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,100	I'd rather not deal with a difficult family-- when I find out that the family sucks, I leave...I am NOT going to deal with that for the rest of my life unless the man knows how to put them in their place. If he placates to his mother's ridiculousness, I'm out of there. I think a man who is respectful to his mother and loves her is highly desirable. I think a man who is a momma's boy who puts his mother over anything else, including his girl, makes me want to throw up. __________________ How do they do it, the ones who make love without love? These are the true religious, the purists, the pros, the ones who will not accept a false Messiah, love the priest instead of the God. -- Sharon Olds

09-09-2008, 07:46 PM	#1
angela12 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 89	Winning over my boyfriends mother...Can it be done? I honestly thought I would never meet someone again. Those of you who helped me through my hard break-up ( previous posts ) will know that I went through a hard time with my last ex bf. Anyway, now I have met someone fantastic. Problem is …. He is the youngest boy again in the family, Greek origin and once again I have an inkling of a controlling Mother. We have been going out for about 4 months now and he has met all my family, we are VERY relaxed and I really didn’t grow up with rules. I am 26 years old and my bf is 30 and still at home. His father passed away suddenly from cancer about a year ago and it was a great shock to everyone. Since then I have a feeling the mother has tightened her strings on her son. When I think about it its all she has left, his sister is 35 and married with one child and my bf still lives at home in a huge house with his mother. He has grown up with fairly strict rules, pays board helps out with the bills and groceries. Last week she asked him to meet me. I am petrified I am going to be in another controlling mother situation. For the mother believes that he should never stay overnight with a girl unless they are engaged out of respect for the parents ( the girls parents ) I bought him clothes for his bday and he showed his mother and she replied, why did she buy you so many clothes? I like the way you dress? He explained that I got them discounted and that’s why there was so many. Bottom line is how has everyone dealt with their boyfriends mother? Has anyone ever experienced controlling situations? I mean the reason I think also is the predominantly ethnic families tend to stay at home a little longer, hence the reason for him being 30 years old and still at home, then problems like this occur. I would really like to be close with her considering I do not have a mother daughter relationship at all with my mother and could see this the perfect opportunity to get some female bonding that I never got.

09-09-2008, 08:00 PM	#3
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	I dealt with a bit of a harsh older sister. Its a little hard but you have to just smile and act like everything is alright, without looking like your on drugs lol.

09-09-2008, 08:53 PM	#6
Jeremiah Johnson Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Georgia Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 568	Maybe you won't have a problem at all... but if she does turn out to be a problem, then you need to evaluate if she's the only problem. A lot of controlling mother situations have not only the mother to blame, but the son as well. After a certain age, it's his responsibility to make his own space and life. He should care for her, sure... but not at the expense of losing a chance for a healthy future family of his own. I love my mother, but if she treated my girlfriend/fiancee like crap (she wouldn't) then she would begin to have very limited contact with me. I take negative influences under heavy consideration whether they are blood relation or not. I realize you care for this guy, but if you start thinking you need to tell him to man up, then do so. Because if he needs to and he won't, then the relationship is already doomed. I do feel for older people with children who believe they have no one else in the world, but that absolutely cannot be used as an excuse to be selfish and ruin their child's future happiness. His mother does have a choice... she can choose to be kind and accepting or not. If she chooses the latter and he has to tell her goodbye, then she is responsible for that - not him.

09-09-2008, 09:50 PM	#7
Riley99 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 56	My ex boyfriend had a seriously controlling mother. He worshipped her and vice versa even though she was controlling and very condescending. He was very successful and she would attribute that success to her. When we were looking at his baby pictures, I would say, he is so handsome and instead of simply agreeing, she'd say "THANK YOU" as if she was responsible (I suppose that is partly true). While he lived away from home, he called her EVERY DAY even if he worked 15 hours a day and was too tired to call me. He wanted to buy a lot with 2 houses on it so that she could live in one. It would have been a nightmare because he put her first and she knew it. He liked me (because I have a successful career) but complained to him about my height (I am petite) after he told her that I was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She would remind him every day to think about it because he would have short kids. He never wanted to talk back to her because his older sister already did. I am so glad that I am not in that family and am no longer with him. I think it is bearable to have a witch for a mother in law (note that she was always nice to my face and even told me she loved me), but your boyfriend HAS to put you first if it ever comes between you two. That is the main thing - to have his support, not matter what the situation. If you have that, you can deal with her. Good luck.

09-09-2008, 09:52 PM	#8
Riley99 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 56	I realized that I didn't answer your question. Well, there are things that you cannot control about your boyfriend's mother. I think the key to getting along with a controlling mother is to go along with it - defer to her, let her feel like she is the boss and #1. Then she won't feel threatened by you - the NEW love in his life. Make it appear that you will NOT be taking her little son away from her and she might let you in.

09-09-2008, 11:21 PM	#10
angela12 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 89	A big thank you to all the responses that I have gotten, wonderful insight. I will have to let you all know how it comes along. The only thing I can do is my best at the end of the day and to just be myself. My boyfriend is actually really excited to meet his mother, this is his first serious relationship in 4 years and he hasnt brang anyone home. He has even dropped comments about marriage if this goes right, so I guess I know he is serious about me. I think she has to realise that she has to let go of her son one day, as I am certain she would want grandchildren from him. Although when she was overseas for 8 weeks she did call him every day ( which I think is within reason as he is a severe diabetic, which I guess the reason for the over protectiveness ) I think I just have to reassure her that I am capable and she will always be no. 1, they are the best cook etc, butter her up a little.