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My wife loves me but does not "Want" me


be2082

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My wife says she loves me a lot more than anything on this earth but she does not ever want to have sex with me'

Before we where married we had sex all the time. But since we have been married she does not want to be with me. She has in the past played with my penis, however she is distant and always makes me feel guilty that I even wanted to be with her. I love her and really do not want to cheat on her, but neither do I want to go the rest of my life without sex or feeling guilty after having sex. I am always trying to romance her... I may take her somewhere, for the weekend. I even Pack for her, compliment her, TALK to her, show her she's the most important person in the world to me... if she doesn't feel important and doesn't have quality time I don;t know what else I could do? I step up my efforts to help her out, I bring home flowers out of the blue, I do her most hated chore for her, I call from work just to say I love her. Sometimes I have surprised her with her favorite homemade meal/dessert, I am the one that does the dishes, cleans the house, and does the laundery most of the time. I will do anything she wants me to at any time without question.

 

More recently she has started to sleep in the spare room as my wife says she cannot stand my snoring, she also has Hot Flashes and she says it is cooler in there, but I know this is an excuse and just her way of not sleeping with me.

 

The problem is that now, I dont seem to be able to take it any more. I am becoming more and more desperate for physical and emotional closeness and am becoming obsessed with her - the way she looks, everything about her. I am depressed whenever she leaves the room, or goes to bed at night (separate room of course).

 

Here is the kicker...I am a decent guy I am bit overweight but I carry it pretty well I am told. I am no Brad Pitt...but for the most part I look good. I make a very good living and I treat my wife like a princess not because she demands it, but because I want to. She is fine driving a Focus or a Cadalic and although we live in a beautiful home, she would be happy in somethings less spectacular.

 

I really love her but the need for sex is efecting my health. What can I do?

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(provided she is not going through some medical problems (emotionally or physically). I'm going to throw out some possibilities. I could be way off base but nonetheless here goes: Maybe she doesn't like your sex life and finds it boring. Maybe she had an affair on you and the guy she was with was different and she liked it. Maybe menopause is affecting her. Maybe you do things in bed that she finds a huge turnoff. Start listening to what she finds attractive and turns her on. I dont know what kind of sexual relationship you had in the beginning but she doesn't want a repeat of whatever you did in the past.

Question: Had you always treated her like a princess? Just wondering? How long you been married. Do you have kids?

 

So many factors can influence why someone does or doesnt not want to have sex anymore.

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I don't think you can take responsibility for making her change. The only thing you can take responsibility for is yourself and your actions. I would suggest communicating with her. Tell her that this is ruining you emotionally, and that although you love her you can't take this much longer. I would seriously consider splitting up with her as an option. I think you have to be prepared for that to be on the cards. If you are a sexual person, and she is not, you are not a good match.

 

Also, are you ever treated preciously?

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Everyone, thanks for the advice. I probably should not have posted this message, especially last night. I was very ill with a fever and the medicine was doing some of the talking. What was said was true, however, I left out the part of her having a medical condition that makes it impossible to have sex. I can't understand why she will not take care of me (Orally or with her hand) but as to intercourse I do understand why she can't. No, she is not a spoiled brat but quite the opposite and before she had this condition our sex life was unbelievable. She has told me many times that I was the best she ever had and I can say the same about her. I guess my problem is, I have not made love to her in 6 years and the doctor says the condition is almost impossible to cure and I need the touch of a woman. Other than that we have the perfect marriage, not only is she my best friend I lover her more than life. But I do not know what to do. She has started menopause and is having "Hot Flashes" and that is why she has went to the guest room, it is cooler and she is having them often. Folks, I am sorry to have cried to you about this but thanks for the comments.

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I am learning that the most important part of any happy relationship is communication. I'm struggling to keep my wife who has been with me for 20 years. We had sex, not as often as I'd liked (but I'm a guy), but now someone else from her past came into her life online then, via phone calls, and now she's seriously considering ways to be with him and somehow have a relationship over 5oo miles away while we have 2 young boys..... She'd told me in the past that she was unhappy many times but when i asked her what it was of she said she didn't know.. And I let it go... MISTAKE...Get some literature or help on how to discuss issues like this!! Do not let it go on any longer but do it right now let her you know you care and want to fix it Do say YOU.. say I feel like this when... Don't make her seen like she's a problem

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I need some advice about the same subject please. My husband never touches me anymore at all. He sounds like the wife of the original poster. He sleeps in another room (he says it's because he can only fall asleep with a t.v. on). He makes sure that he is not available at night, or makes excuses such as that he has a headache or his back is sore. I've tried to talk to him about it & asked him if there was anything I could do to help the situation. He said "No..nothing". He did get a testosterone test that came back normal! so it's not medical is it?

Once a few months ago, he relented & agreed to have sex, but I was more than a little shocked when he just lay there!! He would not even touch me. So, I'm at the point where I'm wanting to leave. He isn't the nicest to me either, & he can really make me feel bad about myself, so with all that together, I don't know how much longer I can hang on. He has already told me that if I ever attempt to leave (he said this recently) he will find me no matter where I go & he has threatened to burn the house down, hurt me etc.. if I leave.

 

What can I do? How can I talk to him to find out what the problem is when he won't listen or talk? What could the problem be...especially from a man's point of view would be greatly appreciated. I have lost every bit of self-esteem I've ever had because of this. I feel as though I must be the world's most disgusting woman for him to not want to be with me at any time. I really need your advice! Thank you.

 

Robin

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  • 1 month later...

I came accross your post because I too have a similar problem. I live with my girlfriend, and she calls me 3 and 4 times every day from work, she bites my ears and I guess we can call that love in her own way. But at the time intimacy I actually had to create a schedule on a calendar because she will not make the intent and I had to always ask her if she wants to have sex.

 

I just want to tell you something; I am 43 years old, and I always knew that when a man approaches his lady and in a tender way tries to stimulate her almost 90% of the times it will end up in making love. And this is the case of a couple that loves each other.

 

But I don’t know what your wife might be going through, nor do I know what my girlfriend is going through but I sure know how you and I feel. All I tell you is this; I already set up a time of decision for my self, why? Well because it is not fair to us. And I hope it doesn’t get to that point, but if it does it will be painful at first but then it will be worth it because there is nothing more harmful that rejection after rejection and the fear to approach a person you not only love but you need and yet been pushed away with a lame excuse.

 

Good luck

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I am going through menopause and I seldom turn down sex. My sex drive has been super strong since I haven't had my period. Menopause rocks your sex drive in a positive way! Don't believe the old wives' tales. Menopause is no excuse for denying sex. If I were in her shoes, we would be having the best oral sex ever!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have to say that I am sort of in the same situation as you, but I am in your wife's position. My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year and have been together for over three. When we were in college we did seem to have more sex than we do now. I know my husband could go for it all the time, but for some reason I am never in the mood. I think my libido has dramatically slowed down (I don't know why b/c I am only 23 years old) and I hate to say this, but the times that I am in the mood I would rather just get it done with by myself because I know I will "get there" quick and get it done. I am not saying that this is the case for your wife, but it might be one reason.

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  • 2 months later...

I'm so sorry to hear that, the only advice I could give you is what your friends have already told you.

Communication is so key to marriage... ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex! I believe that to have a good marriage, you have to have a good sex life with your spouse. Its not like marriage is built on it or anything, but it definitely strengthens the bond and keeps the marriage happy. I've done a speech recently on how to keep a marriage happy, and in the research I did, I found that men (most men) have a number one need of a "good" sex life (meaning that they have sex often and the wife participates, enjoys, and even initiates sometimes).

 

My point is, you (as a guy) have this as a need in your marriage. Its equivalent to her need of affection/talking with you. Soooo being that its a NEED of yours, you really need to confront her about this, I hope you can, for the sake of your marriage. Because I've seen how it can be when two people are in a sexless marriage: the man (and even sometimes the woman) are so tempted to look at other people, be with other people, and thus ruin their marriage and face divorce possibly. You probably as a result of her doing this to you, have so much temptation everywhere you go.

 

In a good marriage where you have an amazing sex life, you don't have so much temptation anymore (there will always be some but when you have amazing sex at home you aren't like a starving person always walking past a buffet line where you can't touch anything).

 

This is how my husband has explained it to me, so hopefully this will help you get the courage to tell her what its doing to you (you can mention to her how hard it is not to look at other women constantly or fantasize about other people). good luck, hopefully this helps if not, maybe it will help someone else

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I know she loves me very much, but without any physical re- enforcement it's really hard to feel confident, loved, wanted,or human.

 

Tell her that you know she loves you as much as you love her but you need MORE than to just know it, you need to feel it in your heart and soul and right now you don't.

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  • 7 months later...

what if. in light of being in the same boat as the rest of you, feeling on-sided in the sex drive of a relationship (17 yrs married) and you've discussed it to no end and with no result....

 

I can't even get a flirt from this woman, yet all she ever says is "I love you".

 

my friends observe the behavior I get when I try to flirt is that like she don't even respond....

 

....I am dying here and don't know what to do....

 

I have found several ways to try and shake things up, and all I EVER get in response is , "I Love You". .....way too predictable.

It has begun to become meaningless to me.

 

Here I thought I was good at articulating my feelings, but the one person that matters don't hear me.

 

Any advice, please!!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm in the same boat as all of you. We've been married for 5 years. When we were dating we'd have sex like rabbits, everywhere, anywhere.. all the time.. for hours. Then we got married and bang she shut it down. Then it was once a week, down to x2 a month. Now..... it's x1 a month.... sometimes longer. And when she does want it it's a wamb bamb thank you sir. Now lets to watch my shows on TV.

 

I need more, I've had this conversation with her. All I get is I'm tired, my back hurts, i don't feel like it, i'm stressed at work. Well hell with today's society... who's not tired, or overworked. I do everything here from the dishes to laundry (which I despise laundry), take care of our daughter (she's 2). I work, pull in extra side jobs... I even did the "Fire Proof" Love Dare which is 41 days' of selfless things. And nothing...

 

All she wants to do is sleep & watch tv. She has friends & goes out. I have friends & go out. But she never wants me to go out w/ her & her friends (they're all girls). She says I make them feel bad because I'll get her drinks & all that and they're bf's/ husbands don't do that... so it makes her feel bad ?? WHAT!!

 

I've tried so many things to make her happy but it seems like she doesn't want to be happy.... any ideas?

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I am in a sexless marriage and have been since it started. That's right, married two years and haven't even consummated it. I am my limit. Anytime we talk about it she shuts down.

Don't divorce, get an annulment. If you move for this, she may be willing to have sex, but don't fall for that, it will likely be a ploy to take away your annulment option.

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The only way you guys who are in sexless marriages are going to get any movement one way or the other is to separate. That will wake them up one way or another.

 

As for this poster in particular, I would say you should see a councilor to see why you would put up with this. It is one thing to have the sex go downhill after marriage, but to never have it?? Most men would not put up with something like that because it is so obviously wrong. I mean she obviously has problems, but I can not understand WHY you are still in it, love or not.

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this is almost exactly what im going through. our relationship was the greatest thing that ever happened to me but then we got married and she has just shut down on me. she told me she is no longer attracted to me. she hasnt been for quite sometime. i started working out and trying to be who i was when we met but she has hardly noticed. about a week ago she was suddenly chipper and more interested. she wanted sex suddenly, still the "quicker the better" kind but right now i'll take what i can get. i noticed her being a little sneakier with her phone (she is always very private with it). i snooped and found a very graphic conversation she just had with a guy from her work. i am so crushed and i dont even know what to do. i confronted her about and she lied and lied. she finally came clean the next day when i continued to question it. we have been fighting every time we are near each other for the past 3 days. the worst part for me is i love her so much and want to forgive her and just move on. she is being stubborn and keeps saying she doesnt know how we'll ever get past this. i feel like she is screaming at me she wants out but just wont say it. all i want is the girl i proposed to back. i dont want to lose my wife but i dont know what to do next. we have an 18 month old son and i dont want to ruin his life either. i feel like such a fool. i cant sleep, cant eat. i was laid off from my job 2 months ago and i feel like my life just couldnt be any worse. i told her to find a new job and she agreed. i just dont know what else to do. i know im a good man. i take care of the house and our son while im off and am actively looking for a new job. i feel like i should just leave and find somebody who can appreciate me for who i am but i love her so much i dont want to go.

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I've been with my husband for many years... and my heart goes out to you guys who have the "lackonookie."

 

From a loving wife's perspective, I can tell you that I don't always feel like it. BUT, I won't let a chance to show my husband my love for him get away. I don't ALWAYS say yes, but I don't always say no either, and I initiate plenty. I adore him and know this is an important part of our married life. Plus, I play grabass with him ALL THE TIME (yes it's true).

 

When I was single I met SO many men who were unhappy with their married lives because of this one issue, I promised myself that I would make sure we were sexually compatible BEFORE I married anyone. And we are.

 

In the beginning, like a lot of the other posters, we did it like rabbits. After a few years of marriage we were regular. After ten years, we are less so. After 15 years, we go spells without it (as much as a month) and then we do it every day for weeks on end. AND I am perimenopausal... so I really don't think THAT is a major factor, I think it's more about the person's personality.

 

An open, giving, generous wife won't have "hurry up and get it over with" sex when her husband is demonstrating his natural need (it's insulting and loveless)... she will pay attention to how long it's been and even if she doesn't feel like doing the whole intercourse thing... I don't know any loving husband who would turn down a little fellatio

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  • 1 year later...

Hello all,

this problem is not simple as it looks like because there are many reasons and factors behind it. maybe our understanding of love need to be reviewed.

Is LOVE means having sex?

I think here where we should start, from HUSBAND's point of view YES. he highly need sex to express his love and feel confident! for some WIVES sex is last thing they would ask for, yes they love their HUSBANDS but having sex is not that important to them or maybe some time its disgusting thing to them.

Understanding the other party and his/her needs is very important to solve the problem. Unfortunately, our brains affected by what movie makers are producing & on the other hand our human feeling sensitivity became less and less. thus, most of men want to have sex without touching their wives' deep emotions (what she like, how she like, when..etc). By the time SHE feel he do not love her except for sex and HE feel he is not loved anymore. its Catch22 isn't it?

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  • 1 month later...

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have two children. We love each other but tells me the thought of sex makes her sick. That was very hard to take coming from someone that I love. we are lucky to have sex 4 times a year. I have spoken to her about it but nothing ever changes. I love my kids but I deserve far more than I am getting. Now she tells me she wants to buy a house. I dont think so. Its simple is some respects, if you cant get the basics of your relationship working for you both then there is very little chance that things will work out in the long term. This has been going on for 4 years and I have had enough.

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  • 7 months later...

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