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  1. #1

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    My wife loves me but does not "Want" me

    My wife says she loves me a lot more than anything on this earth but she does not ever want to have sex with me'
    Before we where married we had sex all the time. But since we have been married she does not want to be with me. She has in the past played with my penis, however she is distant and always makes me feel guilty that I even wanted to be with her. I love her and really do not want to cheat on her, but neither do I want to go the rest of my life without sex or feeling guilty after having sex. I am always trying to romance her... I may take her somewhere, for the weekend. I even Pack for her, compliment her, TALK to her, show her she's the most important person in the world to me... if she doesn't feel important and doesn't have quality time I don;t know what else I could do? I step up my efforts to help her out, I bring home flowers out of the blue, I do her most hated chore for her, I call from work just to say I love her. Sometimes I have surprised her with her favorite homemade meal/dessert, I am the one that does the dishes, cleans the house, and does the laundery most of the time. I will do anything she wants me to at any time without question.

    More recently she has started to sleep in the spare room as my wife says she cannot stand my snoring, she also has Hot Flashes and she says it is cooler in there, but I know this is an excuse and just her way of not sleeping with me.

    The problem is that now, I dont seem to be able to take it any more. I am becoming more and more desperate for physical and emotional closeness and am becoming obsessed with her - the way she looks, everything about her. I am depressed whenever she leaves the room, or goes to bed at night (separate room of course).

    Here is the kicker...I am a decent guy I am bit overweight but I carry it pretty well I am told. I am no Brad Pitt...but for the most part I look good. I make a very good living and I treat my wife like a princess not because she demands it, but because I want to. She is fine driving a Focus or a Cadalic and although we live in a beautiful home, she would be happy in somethings less spectacular.

    I really love her but the need for sex is efecting my health. What can I do?

  2. #2

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    I think she is taking your doting on her for granted

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Butterflygrl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by be2082 View Post
    My wife says she loves me a lot more than anything on this earth but she does not ever want to have sex with me'
    Before we where married we had sex all the time. But since we have been married she does not want to be with me. She has in the past played with my penis, however she is distant and always makes me feel guilty that I even wanted to be with her. I love her and really do not want to cheat on her, but neither do I want to go the rest of my life without sex or feeling guilty after having sex. I am always trying to romance her... I may take her somewhere, for the weekend. I even Pack for her, compliment her, TALK to her, show her she's the most important person in the world to me... if she doesn't feel important and doesn't have quality time I don;t know what else I could do? I step up my efforts to help her out, I bring home flowers out of the blue, I do her most hated chore for her, I call from work just to say I love her. Sometimes I have surprised her with her favorite homemade meal/dessert, I am the one that does the dishes, cleans the house, and does the laundery most of the time. I will do anything she wants me to at any time without question.

    More recently she has started to sleep in the spare room as my wife says she cannot stand my snoring, she also has Hot Flashes and she says it is cooler in there, but I know this is an excuse and just her way of not sleeping with me.

    The problem is that now, I dont seem to be able to take it any more. I am becoming more and more desperate for physical and emotional closeness and am becoming obsessed with her - the way she looks, everything about her. I am depressed whenever she leaves the room, or goes to bed at night (separate room of course).

    Here is the kicker...I am a decent guy I am bit overweight but I carry it pretty well I am told. I am no Brad Pitt...but for the most part I look good. I make a very good living and I treat my wife like a princess not because she demands it, but because I want to. She is fine driving a Focus or a Cadalic and although we live in a beautiful home, she would be happy in somethings less spectacular.

    I really love her but the need for sex is efecting my health. What can I do?
    (provided she is not going through some medical problems (emotionally or physically). I'm going to throw out some possibilities. I could be way off base but nonetheless here goes: Maybe she doesn't like your sex life and finds it boring. Maybe she had an affair on you and the guy she was with was different and she liked it. Maybe menopause is affecting her. Maybe you do things in bed that she finds a huge turnoff. Start listening to what she finds attractive and turns her on. I dont know what kind of sexual relationship you had in the beginning but she doesn't want a repeat of whatever you did in the past.
    Question: Had you always treated her like a princess? Just wondering? How long you been married. Do you have kids?

    So many factors can influence why someone does or doesnt not want to have sex anymore.
    I'll take one tall order of 'I'm Over Him'- Super Sized Please.

  4. 09-07-2008, 03:51 AM

  5. #4
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    I don't think you can take responsibility for making her change. The only thing you can take responsibility for is yourself and your actions. I would suggest communicating with her. Tell her that this is ruining you emotionally, and that although you love her you can't take this much longer. I would seriously consider splitting up with her as an option. I think you have to be prepared for that to be on the cards. If you are a sexual person, and she is not, you are not a good match.

    Also, are you ever treated preciously?

  6. 09-07-2008, 06:50 AM

  7. #5

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    Thanks

    Everyone, thanks for the advice. I probably should not have posted this message, especially last night. I was very ill with a fever and the medicine was doing some of the talking. What was said was true, however, I left out the part of her having a medical condition that makes it impossible to have sex. I can't understand why she will not take care of me (Orally or with her hand) but as to intercourse I do understand why she can't. No, she is not a spoiled brat but quite the opposite and before she had this condition our sex life was unbelievable. She has told me many times that I was the best she ever had and I can say the same about her. I guess my problem is, I have not made love to her in 6 years and the doctor says the condition is almost impossible to cure and I need the touch of a woman. Other than that we have the perfect marriage, not only is she my best friend I lover her more than life. But I do not know what to do. She has started menopause and is having "Hot Flashes" and that is why she has went to the guest room, it is cooler and she is having them often. Folks, I am sorry to have cried to you about this but thanks for the comments.

  8. #6
    Member FeelingNumb's Avatar
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    I am learning that the most important part of any happy relationship is communication. I'm struggling to keep my wife who has been with me for 20 years. We had sex, not as often as I'd liked (but I'm a guy), but now someone else from her past came into her life online then, via phone calls, and now she's seriously considering ways to be with him and somehow have a relationship over 5oo miles away while we have 2 young boys..... She'd told me in the past that she was unhappy many times but when i asked her what it was of she said she didn't know.. And I let it go... MISTAKE...Get some literature or help on how to discuss issues like this!! Do not let it go on any longer but do it right now let her you know you care and want to fix it Do say YOU.. say I feel like this when... Don't make her seen like she's a problem

  9. 09-08-2008, 02:10 AM

  10. #7
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    Kind of the same topic

    I need some advice about the same subject please. My husband never touches me anymore at all. He sounds like the wife of the original poster. He sleeps in another room (he says it's because he can only fall asleep with a t.v. on). He makes sure that he is not available at night, or makes excuses such as that he has a headache or his back is sore. I've tried to talk to him about it & asked him if there was anything I could do to help the situation. He said "No..nothing". He did get a testosterone test that came back normal! so it's not medical is it?
    Once a few months ago, he relented & agreed to have sex, but I was more than a little shocked when he just lay there!! He would not even touch me. So, I'm at the point where I'm wanting to leave. He isn't the nicest to me either, & he can really make me feel bad about myself, so with all that together, I don't know how much longer I can hang on. He has already told me that if I ever attempt to leave (he said this recently) he will find me no matter where I go & he has threatened to burn the house down, hurt me etc.. if I leave.

    What can I do? How can I talk to him to find out what the problem is when he won't listen or talk? What could the problem be...especially from a man's point of view would be greatly appreciated. I have lost every bit of self-esteem I've ever had because of this. I feel as though I must be the world's most disgusting woman for him to not want to be with me at any time. I really need your advice! Thank you.

    Robin

  11. 09-08-2008, 12:19 PM

  12. #8

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    Hello

    I came across your post because I too have a similar problem. I live with my girlfriend, and she calls me 3 and 4 times every day from work, she bites my ears and I guess we can call that love in her own way. But at the time intimacy I actually had to create a schedule on a calendar because she will not make the intent and I had to always ask her if she wants to have sex.

    I just want to tell you something; I am 43 years old, and I always knew that when a man approaches his lady and in a tender way tries to stimulate her almost 90% of the times it will end up in making love. And this is the case of a couple that loves each other.

    But I donít know what your wife might be going through, nor do I know what my girlfriend is going through but I sure know how you and I feel. All I tell you is this; I already set up a time of decision for my self, why? Well because it is not fair to us. And I hope it doesnít get to that point, but if it does it will be painful at first but then it will be worth it because there is nothing more harmful that rejection after rejection and the fear to approach a person you not only love but you need and yet been pushed away with a lame excuse.

    Good luck

  13. #9
    Platinum Member thejigsup's Avatar
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    I am going through menopause and I seldom turn down sex. My sex drive has been super strong since I haven't had my period. Menopause rocks your sex drive in a positive way! Don't believe the old wives' tales. Menopause is no excuse for denying sex. If I were in her shoes, we would be having the best oral sex ever!

  14. #10
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    I have to say that I am sort of in the same situation as you, but I am in your wife's position. My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year and have been together for over three. When we were in college we did seem to have more sex than we do now. I know my husband could go for it all the time, but for some reason I am never in the mood. I think my libido has dramatically slowed down (I don't know why b/c I am only 23 years old) and I hate to say this, but the times that I am in the mood I would rather just get it done with by myself because I know I will "get there" quick and get it done. I am not saying that this is the case for your wife, but it might be one reason.

  15. 01-11-2009, 03:29 AM


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