Dating someone with ADD/ADHD

[confused9]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year (in a few months). I love him a lot, and he loves me a lot. He has ADD, and it comes out a lot (more and more as he gets more comfortable with me). He's incredibly smart and has gone to really good schools for both his undergrad and his graduate programs. So I'm just writing to try to get a good idea of how to approach things with him.

I know the below list I'm making sounds evil, like I'm a terrible girlfriend, but I'm just trying to explain things a bit...Some of his actions:

-sometimes he doesn't seem to listen or paying attention
-gets distracted and focuses too much attention on little things
-I swear he acts like a little kid
-He laughs extremely loudly (sometimes inappropriately)
-he spits out the first thing that pops up in his mind (whether it be a curse word or just a thought, a quote from a movie)
-when he wants to celebrate, he drinks waaaay too much
-he's very excitable, he goes crazy dancing and singing, etc...

Overall, it just seems like he doesn't always think things through....sometimes I think he's the ultimate man's man...like he has all the characteristics of a typical guy, but takes them a step too far...

So i know he doesn't do things like curse at work. and I know he takes aderol every day before he goes to work. He's also very disciplined at things like working out, working, and reading books. He's been a great boyfriend to me for the most part. He has it in him to be extremely successful if he would just take a minute and think something through...Now that doesn't even so much bother me, I guess it's more the bursting out comments without thinking them through that sometimes is a bit...uncomfortable.....

I've asked him to try and stop cursing b/c of little things that go wrong, and he's done well at it. And i would NEVER ask him to take his medication, that's a personal choice.

I guess what i'm wondering is if there is any advice that any of you could give to me? I really love him a lot, and I know he loves me too. But every now and then I feel like i'm his mom, rather than his girlfriend, and I hate being like that!

[redhearts]

Did you tell him that you feel like his mom?

[confused9]

no, i haven't told him that. sometimes i say things to him and he says "that's exactly what my mom would say/do"

[Gracelove]

It's difficult dealing with people who have ADD or ADHD. Those things you mentioned, they won't change, it's all apart of the disorder.

Are you guys really close? Is this someone you want to marry? It not, I'd reconsider staying with him.

There is a lot you can read online about the disorder. But I wasn't able to find anything about how a friend or loved one can handle a person with the disorder(s).

I'm sure there are books out there that can give tips.

But it you don't have to deal with it, then I wouldn't.

If it's driving you crazy now, it'll really drive you crazy later.

[My Advice]

I got the same thing. It isn't his fault. If this is the worst you have to deal with in the relationship then you should consider yourself lucky. yeah it isn't easy to deal with, but if he is willing to try, there might be ways to minimize the annoyance. Breaking up with him because of it sounds extreme.

[confused9]

yeah, i think it would be extreme to break up with him. i tell him i get upset about his lack of ability to plan (he tends to wait till the last minute and things like flights get more and more expensive), how he can't seem to save days off or a bulk of money to take vacations ...

but i love the idiot . and he loves me, truly loves me. and he tells me and reminds me a little bit each day.

i guess i read somewhere that people with this disorder tend to be somewhat hypersensitive to it, and sometimes feel guilty or bad about it. i don't want him to feel ashamed if i bring it up. so i'm trying to think of constructive ways to bring it up with him so he doesn't feel like i'm scolding him or anything like that...

and you're right! i can find tons on ADD, but not much about people in relationships with people with ADD. it's so frustrating...

[SimplySasha]

I don't believe in ADD or ADHD. I think its a cop out made up disease in order to sell pills to people and subdue children. Without trying to blame it on ADD/ADHD, l's look at this a little bit more from a positive view and see if we can't understand this guy just a little bit better.

-sometimes he doesn't seem to listen or paying attention

Everyone sometimes does not look like they aren't paying attention. Men typically seem like they aren't because they don't stare each other in the eyes. Check it out yourself: A group of women friends talking ,will hold eye contact with each other. A group of men friends talking, will not, its considered agressive in nature so part of that probably still resides in the male brain somewhere. Sometimes also, some men will be listening and won't even look directly at you, but they still hear you. If this is the case, let him know that you feel a little uncomfortable sometimes and even though you know he's paying attention, you'd like for him to look like he's more engaged in the converstation. Sometimes asking a few more questions and letting him talk more can help.

-gets distracted and focuses too much attention on little things

How can he be distracted and focused at the same time? It sounds like the little things to you might be important to him and thus worth focusing on.

-He laughs extremely loudly (sometimes inappropriately)

At least he has a sense of humor and isn't embarassed to show that something is amusing to him. You wouldn't want a guy that twittered when he laughs right?

-he spits out the first thing that pops up in his mind (whether it be a curse word or just a thought, a quote from a movie)

At least he is being honest about what he thinks. It sounds like a guy that isn't the type to be sneaky and try to chose the right words. Think about it, if you asked him where he was last night, he'd probably just tell you instead of trying to make up an excuse on the spot. Unless this is some sort of compulsive word/sentence yelling, don't worry too much about it.

-when he wants to celebrate, he drinks waaaay too much

This might be a problem if he is throwing up all over the place and being too rowdy while drunk. You might want to let him know, possibly by pointing out another guy or telling a story about a friends's guy, that you think a guy that doesn't know his limits is very unattractive and why. This might give him a little hint that he's overdoing it just a tad too much.

-he's very excitable, he goes crazy dancing and singing, etc...

Sounds like he just loves life a little bit and isn't worried about what other people think. Are you a more reserved type of person who would rather not engage in karaoke in front of a room full of strangers? Both kinds of people are ok, but this sounds like perhaps just his personality. He's vibrant for now, perhaps he'll calm down as he gets older, but for right now, maybe enjoy some things with him as well, or enjoy them through him. (I have my own friends that are crazy happy, but I'm the reserved one, I just enjoy the moments by enjoying how much fun my friends are having, weird...probably, but that's just how I am and it works for me.)

Overall, it just seems like he doesn't always think things through....

That's just guys in general. If he's making you feel like you are his mom, then start off a little bit slower and you might very well need to teach him the decision making process in a more appropriate manner. If spending is an issue, when he wants to buy something have him step back and think if he wants it or if he needs it, then have him wait a couple days then decide if he still wants it. Apply it to other situations, have him wait and consider before making decisions and support his decisions when he waits on them and makes considerations. Let him know that you want to help him make better choices and that you fully support him because you love him and care about him.

If hes a good guy, he'd appreciate the help as long as you don't seem hostile about it and more genuinely caring. Try not to let the whole ADD/ADHD become an excuse for anything in your relationship. Patience and understanding about the individual circumstances may be the key here.

[My Advice]

don't believe in ADD or ADHD. I think its a cop out made up disease in order to sell pills to people and subdue children. Without trying to blame it on ADD/ADHD, l's look at this a little bit more from a positive view and see if we can't understand this guy just a little bit better.



I am diagnoised bipolar 1 and have ADDHD. I often have people tell me both of these things are made up to sell pills and it is extremely frustrating until I distanced myself from peoples viewpoints.

I am not being disrespectful but this is one of those things where you are dead wrong -- as wrong as if you were saying the earth is flat. This concentration disorder was a serious problem growing up, probably linked to my other chemical imbalance, and makes it nearly impossible to function without some chemical assistance.

I agree society is overmedicated and that many people are being poorly diagnoised for the psychopharmacutical companies, but this is definately a real disorder, rather through pure genetics or also for culture reasons (probably both) that should be treated as such.

[SimplySasha]

Originally Posted by My Advice

I am diagnoised bipolar 1 and have ADDHD. I often have people tell me both of these things are made up to sell pills and it is extremely frustrating until I distanced myself from peoples viewpoints.

Bipolar is the extreme mood swings right?

I agree society is overmedicated and that many people are being poorly diagnoised for the psychopharmacutical companies, but this is definately a real disorder, rather through pure genetics or also for culture reasons (probably both) that should be treated as such.

You actually have a chemical imbalance to where you can't function without chemical assistance. Many children who might be a little too hyper have pills thrown at them without even going through, I'm sure, multiple tests and evaluations. It seems nowdays, EVERYONE knows someone with ADD/ADHD. I say its the cop out disease because perhaps parents are too quick to blame some disease answer-all as an alternative to good parenting. This leads to the few people who actually have the physical difficulties and legitimately need medical assistance to be overlooked and grouped with people who aren't legitimate at all. I've had friends try to claim ADD because they tend to daydream after studying for a long time, I don't think there is anything wrong with that, studying can be boooring and the mind wants a break, it seems like they are making excuses for things they feel are problems but really can be just normal things. Some people are daydreamers right? What would our world be without them?

I mean no disrespect to someone with a legitimate problem at all, and I hope that I did not upset you needlessly. I do think that sometimes we believe in a "condition" instead of looking for an answer in our behavior and our interactions with others. Reading through the rest of my previous post, as somone with ADD/ADHD do you believe that some of my suggestions are even legitimate to try?

[Victoria66]

My husband has ADHD,OCD and GAD. My son has VERY severe ADHD and a host of other issues.