Was my ex a narcissist or just a typical a-hole?

undercover007 · 08-31-2008, 05:48 PM

I am not quite sure if my ex truly was a narcissist or just being a typical guy. I have done a lot of research on it online.. and i find that a lot of the characteristics do apply. But i heard theres only a small percentage who actually are?

Our relationship was definitely unhealthy and he was emotionally abusive.. and partly physical but only a couple of times. He was more verbally and mentally abusive though.

Anyways, i remember his ex gf who i knew cause i went to the same school as her, warned me how he was manipulative, controlling, can never admit to being wrong, and never gives compliments. At the time i was thinking.. wow maybe i should be careful. I confronted my ex when we first dating and he told me that shes just jealous and mad cause he left her. And at the time, he was so sweet and charming, i believed everything he told me.

But I remember him bragging about how he got revenge on his ex gf cause she supposedly cheated on him (but it was during a break). She had moved away to the mainland for college after they had broken up.. and she was still madly in love with him. Eventually they started talking again and he said he would get back with her if she moved back. He told me that this was all a plan that he had. So she debated whether or not to move back.. but finally she did.. and so they got back together. The whole time he pretended to be in love with her.. had sex with her.. and then one day he just decided that he will never talk to her again. So he didnt even let her know it was over, he just completely stopped talking to her and left her hanging. She of course, called him but no matter what, he wouldnt answer.. and she had no idea what happened. She was hurt.

He told me that he pulled the "houdini".. cause he just vanished and never talked to her again. He seemed so proud that his plan worked out but at the time i remember thinking, wow he is a very cruel person. I couldnt believe he would do that to someone.. even if she did cheat on him.. thats still very cold-hearted.

After he told me that, i constantly feared that he would leave me. And he did.. over and over and over again. It was a vicious cycle, yet i couldnt leave cause i was attached. I fell in love with the person he was when i first met.. charming.. kind.. loving... considerate.. he was EVERYTHING i wanted in a man.

I am not completely putting the blame on him for our failed relationship because i wasnt exactly perfect. Yes i could be needy at times.. but he was so emotionally distant that i kept trying to get him to be the guy i first met. I stupidly chased him during most of the breakups.. very rarely did he come on his own. I would obsessively call him cause he would ignore me for days. I felt so crazy with him.. i just couldnt believe the way i reacted. But at the time i just wanted to hold on to him and not let him go when i should of just let him go to begin with.

He could say the most cruelest things to me and seem not care how i felt.. calling me every name in the book.. said he would "kill me" if i didnt stop calling.. told me he didnt love me.. but then the next day come back to me. I know it was an unhealthy relationship and i should of got out sooner.. but i just couldnt leave. I kept hoping things would change. During the relationship i suffered severe depression and anxiety.. little did he realize, it formed from being in the relationship. He would always call me crazy and said that i had mental issues and i needed help.

Now hes moved on to the next girl and its only been a month and half since the break up.. i feel so hurt. I felt like our 3 yrs together meant nothing. Knowing that hes with another girl makes me sick to my stomach. I cant eat.. and i wake up in panic.

How do i really know if he was a narcissist.. or had some kind of personality disorder.. or if he was just a typical guy?

Abbygail · 08-31-2008, 05:54 PM

Um... wow. I think that after he told you that story, you should have run like crazy. You said he's been emotionally, mentally, physically abusive and has threatened to kill you if you didn't stop calling... That sounds like a disorder. I would put out a restraining order and notify the authorities to keep a look out... Just seems too serious to me.

just M.E. · 08-31-2008, 06:06 PM

Sounds narcissistic to me, my ex did something similar although he would not admit it to me.

I filed for legal separation, he begged to come back, he quit drinking, jumped through hoops but then left suddenly about 1 year later.

I think he had the same subconscious plan but I doubt he would admit it to anyone, he was very sensitive to what people thought of him, he played the victim and ultimate nice guy in front of others.

We owned a business together, he kicked me out of that, then implied to our customers that I had retired when they asked about me. He also put his new girlfriend working there, all very soon after he left.

There are really scary people out there!!!

undercover007 · 08-31-2008, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abbygail

Um... wow. I think that after he told you that story, you should have run like crazy. You said he's been emotionally, mentally, physically abusive and has threatened to kill you if you didn't stop calling... That sounds like a disorder. I would put out a restraining order and notify the authorities to keep a look out... Just seems too serious to me.

Yeah i should of took that as a warning sign but i stupidly fell in love with him thinking no he cant be that horrible of a person.

Well he threatened to kill me cause i kept calling him over and over which was my fault. But it drove me nuts when he ignored me and he knew it too. In fact, he was the one that threatened me saying he'd call the cops and get a restraining order on me.

undercover007 · 08-31-2008, 06:15 PM

Oh wow, that horrible!

Yeah there are really cruel and cold hearted people out there. Sometimes i feel like hes not even human cause he can be so mean like that.

HeartGoesOn · 08-31-2008, 06:15 PM

He was mentally, and physically abusive to you, threatened to kill you, and it makes you sick to your stomach that he's with another girl?

What kind of advice would you give, if it was another person posting this thread?

jessie'sgirl14 · 08-31-2008, 06:17 PM

Dont try to figure him out. I know its hard but just move on and know that you deserve better and there is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve.

Just be glad and thankful that you no longer have to deal with him

D_Lish · 08-31-2008, 07:01 PM

I think you ought to be thanking your lucky stars he's gone...

Can't understand for the life of me why you miss him and are hurting. If anything, Id be feeling sorry for this other woman, who has innocently got involved with him and not knowing what this man (if he can be called a man), is capable of....

Nixee · 08-31-2008, 07:22 PM

What specifically about him makes you think he is a narcissist though?

What he has done sounds horrible, and definitely like inexcusable behavior, but whether it was just narcissistic tendencies or not, I think you are better off realizing that you are going to be well to break free of him finally.

Some of your story (so charming in the beginning... easy to become addicted to him... vicious cycle of him pulling away and leaving...) sounds so familiar and so like my ex, so yes, I want to say that it is possible that he does have narcissist traits (cuz my ex most certainly does), but those patterns alone don't make a narcissist I think. Narcissists specifically fail at truly compassionate love because they just don't fully understand it. They have grand ideas of love... but no true empathy for their partner. They can talk big.... but they are little on the inside.

I think this is why they will often come off as exceedingly charming and flashy at first - the vision of perfect romance... and then fail miserably in the long run. It is hard to keep up with the show if something does not feel right on the inside.

So be careful about judging or 'diagnosing' him so quickly... we all have our faults, after all. He certainly sounds like he has his.

I know very well the pain you are in... try to focus on yourself though, it is the best thing you can do.

undercover007 · 08-31-2008, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by D_Lish

I think you ought to be thanking your lucky stars he's gone...

Can't understand for the life of me why you miss him and are hurting. If anything, Id be feeling sorry for this other woman, who has innocently got involved with him and not knowing what this man (if he can be called a man), is capable of....

You know i asked myself that same question.. why do i love this man that was so horrible to me. I mean there were good times with us.. we fell in love hard and fast. He called me his future wife blah blah.. told me hes never been like this with anyone. He just had that instant chemistry and our relationship was very passionate. He could be a really nice and sweet guy at times.. but then there were other times where id have to watch his mood cause i never knew what to expect. He was my first love.. i guess its just hard for me to forget all the memories we had. Yeah he was really mean at times.. but he could also be loving at the same time. Just when he was angry, he was a completely different person. I miss how he was when i first met him.

08-31-2008, 05:48 PM	#1
undercover007 Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 118	Was my ex a narcissist or just a typical a-hole? I am not quite sure if my ex truly was a narcissist or just being a typical guy. I have done a lot of research on it online.. and i find that a lot of the characteristics do apply. But i heard theres only a small percentage who actually are? Our relationship was definitely unhealthy and he was emotionally abusive.. and partly physical but only a couple of times. He was more verbally and mentally abusive though. Anyways, i remember his ex gf who i knew cause i went to the same school as her, warned me how he was manipulative, controlling, can never admit to being wrong, and never gives compliments. At the time i was thinking.. wow maybe i should be careful. I confronted my ex when we first dating and he told me that shes just jealous and mad cause he left her. And at the time, he was so sweet and charming, i believed everything he told me. But I remember him bragging about how he got revenge on his ex gf cause she supposedly cheated on him (but it was during a break). She had moved away to the mainland for college after they had broken up.. and she was still madly in love with him. Eventually they started talking again and he said he would get back with her if she moved back. He told me that this was all a plan that he had. So she debated whether or not to move back.. but finally she did.. and so they got back together. The whole time he pretended to be in love with her.. had sex with her.. and then one day he just decided that he will never talk to her again. So he didnt even let her know it was over, he just completely stopped talking to her and left her hanging. She of course, called him but no matter what, he wouldnt answer.. and she had no idea what happened. She was hurt. He told me that he pulled the "houdini".. cause he just vanished and never talked to her again. He seemed so proud that his plan worked out but at the time i remember thinking, wow he is a very cruel person. I couldnt believe he would do that to someone.. even if she did cheat on him.. thats still very cold-hearted. After he told me that, i constantly feared that he would leave me. And he did.. over and over and over again. It was a vicious cycle, yet i couldnt leave cause i was attached. I fell in love with the person he was when i first met.. charming.. kind.. loving... considerate.. he was EVERYTHING i wanted in a man. I am not completely putting the blame on him for our failed relationship because i wasnt exactly perfect. Yes i could be needy at times.. but he was so emotionally distant that i kept trying to get him to be the guy i first met. I stupidly chased him during most of the breakups.. very rarely did he come on his own. I would obsessively call him cause he would ignore me for days. I felt so crazy with him.. i just couldnt believe the way i reacted. But at the time i just wanted to hold on to him and not let him go when i should of just let him go to begin with. He could say the most cruelest things to me and seem not care how i felt.. calling me every name in the book.. said he would "kill me" if i didnt stop calling.. told me he didnt love me.. but then the next day come back to me. I know it was an unhealthy relationship and i should of got out sooner.. but i just couldnt leave. I kept hoping things would change. During the relationship i suffered severe depression and anxiety.. little did he realize, it formed from being in the relationship. He would always call me crazy and said that i had mental issues and i needed help. Now hes moved on to the next girl and its only been a month and half since the break up.. i feel so hurt. I felt like our 3 yrs together meant nothing. Knowing that hes with another girl makes me sick to my stomach. I cant eat.. and i wake up in panic. How do i really know if he was a narcissist.. or had some kind of personality disorder.. or if he was just a typical guy? Last edited by undercover007; 08-31-2008 at 05:55 PM.

08-31-2008, 06:06 PM	#3
just M.E. Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 57 Posts: 1,741	Sounds narcissistic to me, my ex did something similar although he would not admit it to me. I filed for legal separation, he begged to come back, he quit drinking, jumped through hoops but then left suddenly about 1 year later. I think he had the same subconscious plan but I doubt he would admit it to anyone, he was very sensitive to what people thought of him, he played the victim and ultimate nice guy in front of others. We owned a business together, he kicked me out of that, then implied to our customers that I had retired when they asked about me. He also put his new girlfriend working there, all very soon after he left. There are really scary people out there!!! __________________ Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. "Life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday" - Kahil Gibran

08-31-2008, 06:15 PM	#6
HeartGoesOn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Posts: 2,659	He was mentally, and physically abusive to you, threatened to kill you, and it makes you sick to your stomach that he's with another girl? What kind of advice would you give, if it was another person posting this thread? __________________ ~ Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance. ~ Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 08-31-2008 at 06:34 PM. Reason: typo

08-31-2008, 07:22 PM	#9
Nixee Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NY Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 1,862	What specifically about him makes you think he is a narcissist though? What he has done sounds horrible, and definitely like inexcusable behavior, but whether it was just narcissistic tendencies or not, I think you are better off realizing that you are going to be well to break free of him finally. Some of your story (so charming in the beginning... easy to become addicted to him... vicious cycle of him pulling away and leaving...) sounds so familiar and so like my ex, so yes, I want to say that it is possible that he does have narcissist traits (cuz my ex most certainly does), but those patterns alone don't make a narcissist I think. Narcissists specifically fail at truly compassionate love because they just don't fully understand it. They have grand ideas of love... but no true empathy for their partner. They can talk big.... but they are little on the inside. I think this is why they will often come off as exceedingly charming and flashy at first - the vision of perfect romance... and then fail miserably in the long run. It is hard to keep up with the show if something does not feel right on the inside. So be careful about judging or 'diagnosing' him so quickly... we all have our faults, after all. He certainly sounds like he has his. I know very well the pain you are in... try to focus on yourself though, it is the best thing you can do. __________________ The pain passes, but the beauty remains - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

08-31-2008, 05:54 PM	#2
Abbygail Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 376	Um... wow. I think that after he told you that story, you should have run like crazy. You said he's been emotionally, mentally, physically abusive and has threatened to kill you if you didn't stop calling... That sounds like a disorder. I would put out a restraining order and notify the authorities to keep a look out... Just seems too serious to me.

08-31-2008, 06:17 PM	#7
jessie'sgirl14 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 55	Dont try to figure him out. I know its hard but just move on and know that you deserve better and there is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve. Just be glad and thankful that you no longer have to deal with him

08-31-2008, 07:01 PM	#8
D_Lish Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: England UK Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 3,730	I think you ought to be thanking your lucky stars he's gone... Can't understand for the life of me why you miss him and are hurting. If anything, Id be feeling sorry for this other woman, who has innocently got involved with him and not knowing what this man (if he can be called a man), is capable of....