Man says "I've insecurities related to money"... help me decode

tinu · 08-30-2008, 02:05 PM

okay, guys on ENA, please don't tear me apart like you did on my ONS post. I have no interest in asking men such personal Q at this level. If they share on their own, I do pay attention.
So, this guy is a manager in some engineering firm. I've met him on a dating site, talked to him 3-4 times, haven't met yet. I have not asked him where he works, how much he makes, where does he sees his career going, anything like that.
He shared this on his own. "I have insecutiries related to money. Before, I was thinking of marrying someone that makes a decent/good amount of money but has standard working hours n a stress free job, so we can retire early, but that one didn't work out".
I just listened. I want but I'm afraid to ask what he means by it b'coz money/success is sensitive issue for many men, I've realized. But what can it possibly mean? Does he want a money minting machine? I mean if this guy is a manager already, he probably makes decent money, right? Why should he be insecure about it then? Is this a red flag? Guys and girls, I'll appreciate your input on this.

Timebandit · 08-30-2008, 02:16 PM

Honestly, I think it is a bit of a red flag (or at least a yellow one). Someone who makes a decent pay, but has insecurities about money (and even admits on a date), seems like he is having some kind of issues. Not that this should necessarily deter you from getting him to know a little better. But I think you dig a little further to find out what he means.

BeStrongBeHappy · 08-30-2008, 02:21 PM

I think he is making his priorities clear: money.

And that he expects a wife to make a lot of money and save a lot of money so he can retire early.

That could mean you will have struggles about every cent you try to spend, and if you want to be a stay at home Mom forget about it.

Having said that, i think it is an excellent goal to save money and try to retire early, but not at the expense of a decent life between now and retirement.

So I'd ask him to clarify what he means by that. Since the main thing couples fight about is money, you need to make sure you understand what he means.

just M.E. · 08-30-2008, 02:22 PM

It warrants a slight step backward on your part, in my opinion, I agree it is something of a yellow flag. He is very up front about this but that isn't necessarily all good. He can just believe that marrying for financial security is acceptable and is very open.

Having financial security is nice but love and marriage should be a whole package, I would be uncomfortable with someone who weighs too much on their partner's income.

DN · 08-30-2008, 02:25 PM

I think he means that he wants someone who earns more or less the same as he does but who also has more or less the same leisure time as he does, and can afford to save more or less the same amount of money as he does for an early retirement.

In other words, he doesn't want to have to support a wife who will contribute less financially to shared goals than he does.

tinu · 08-30-2008, 02:33 PM

I'm in pharmacy field. I've put that in my dating profile. Now, I don't know if he contacted me b'coz of that. He said he was wanting to marry a dentist before. He has joked about "dowry" (those that don't know what it is: in south Asia, a girl's parents pay the man some money or other things high in value as a gift before/at the time of marriage. I come from a family that doesn't believe in this, so I don't know a whole lot about this system.) I laughed about it along with him, but I'm surprised that he even mentioned that.
Thank you all of you for replying to my post. I appreciate it.

tinu · 08-30-2008, 02:35 PM

Thank you BeStrongBeHappy, I have read n always liked your replies. I appreciate your replying to my post.

BeStrongBeHappy · 08-30-2008, 02:39 PM

Well, many dentists make $250K/year, more than doctors even so he is going for someone who makes big bucks. I know a guy who dated a lot of very attractive nurses (yes he liked nurses), then he met a wealthy oral surgeon who was incredibly homely but incredibly rich and he instantly proposed to her and married her and is now playing golf all day. His priority was also money first when it came to women because he wanted to retire, but i would not be the least bit surprised if he is still having affairs with nurses while the wife is doing root canals.

And if you barely know him and he's talking 'dowry' forget about it. He could be searching for a women who already has considerable assets.

There are also lots of con men out there looking for women with a big nest egg and are happy to abscond with the money. So be careful that you really know who this guy is, and can verify he's on the up and up before you have much to do with him.

I personally would find it very distasteful to be with a man who brought this kind of thing up early on, and wonder what his real motivation is.

Crazyaboutdogs · 08-30-2008, 02:40 PM

Well, at least he is letting you know early on that he is all about money, money, money. Some people keep that well-hidden during the wooing stage and then their cheapness and money worshipping comes out only after the other person is hooked. So count yourself lucky that his priorities have been spelled out to you early on...at least now you can decide whether or not this #1 priority of his is something you can deal with or not.

DN · 08-30-2008, 02:57 PM

I think there may be a tiny bit of double standard being applied here. I have seen a number of threads from women who are successful in life and want a man who is pretty much the same, especially financially, because they don't want to be in a position of supporting a spouse. And usually the response is the equivalent of 'you go, girl!'

But when a man says essentially the same thing he is accused of being all about money, cheap, mean etc.

Why the difference?

08-30-2008, 02:22 PM	#4
just M.E. Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 57 Posts: 1,741	It warrants a slight step backward on your part, in my opinion, I agree it is something of a yellow flag. He is very up front about this but that isn't necessarily all good. He can just believe that marrying for financial security is acceptable and is very open. Having financial security is nice but love and marriage should be a whole package, I would be uncomfortable with someone who weighs too much on their partner's income. __________________ Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. "Life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday" - Kahil Gibran

08-30-2008, 02:25 PM	#5
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think he means that he wants someone who earns more or less the same as he does but who also has more or less the same leisure time as he does, and can afford to save more or less the same amount of money as he does for an early retirement. In other words, he doesn't want to have to support a wife who will contribute less financially to shared goals than he does. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

08-30-2008, 02:33 PM	#6
tinu Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: SoCal Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 1,433	some additional info, if it helps I'm in pharmacy field. I've put that in my dating profile. Now, I don't know if he contacted me b'coz of that. He said he was wanting to marry a dentist before. He has joked about "dowry" (those that don't know what it is: in south Asia, a girl's parents pay the man some money or other things high in value as a gift before/at the time of marriage. I come from a family that doesn't believe in this, so I don't know a whole lot about this system.) I laughed about it along with him, but I'm surprised that he even mentioned that. Thank you all of you for replying to my post. I appreciate it. Last edited by tinu; 08-30-2008 at 02:52 PM.

08-30-2008, 02:57 PM	#10
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think there may be a tiny bit of double standard being applied here. I have seen a number of threads from women who are successful in life and want a man who is pretty much the same, especially financially, because they don't want to be in a position of supporting a spouse. And usually the response is the equivalent of 'you go, girl!' But when a man says essentially the same thing he is accused of being all about money, cheap, mean etc. Why the difference? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

08-30-2008, 02:05 PM	#1
tinu Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: SoCal Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 1,433	Man says "I've insecurities related to money"... help me decode okay, guys on ENA, please don't tear me apart like you did on my ONS post. I have no interest in asking men such personal Q at this level. If they share on their own, I do pay attention. So, this guy is a manager in some engineering firm. I've met him on a dating site, talked to him 3-4 times, haven't met yet. I have not asked him where he works, how much he makes, where does he sees his career going, anything like that. He shared this on his own. "I have insecutiries related to money. Before, I was thinking of marrying someone that makes a decent/good amount of money but has standard working hours n a stress free job, so we can retire early, but that one didn't work out". I just listened. I want but I'm afraid to ask what he means by it b'coz money/success is sensitive issue for many men, I've realized. But what can it possibly mean? Does he want a money minting machine? I mean if this guy is a manager already, he probably makes decent money, right? Why should he be insecure about it then? Is this a red flag? Guys and girls, I'll appreciate your input on this. Last edited by tinu; 08-30-2008 at 02:21 PM.

08-30-2008, 02:16 PM	#2
Timebandit Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 1,120	Honestly, I think it is a bit of a red flag (or at least a yellow one). Someone who makes a decent pay, but has insecurities about money (and even admits on a date), seems like he is having some kind of issues. Not that this should necessarily deter you from getting him to know a little better. But I think you dig a little further to find out what he means.

08-30-2008, 02:21 PM	#3
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	I think he is making his priorities clear: money. And that he expects a wife to make a lot of money and save a lot of money so he can retire early. That could mean you will have struggles about every cent you try to spend, and if you want to be a stay at home Mom forget about it. Having said that, i think it is an excellent goal to save money and try to retire early, but not at the expense of a decent life between now and retirement. So I'd ask him to clarify what he means by that. Since the main thing couples fight about is money, you need to make sure you understand what he means.

08-30-2008, 02:35 PM	#7
tinu Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: SoCal Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 1,433	Thank you BeStrongBeHappy, I have read n always liked your replies. I appreciate your replying to my post.

08-30-2008, 02:39 PM	#8
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	Well, many dentists make $250K/year, more than doctors even so he is going for someone who makes big bucks. I know a guy who dated a lot of very attractive nurses (yes he liked nurses), then he met a wealthy oral surgeon who was incredibly homely but incredibly rich and he instantly proposed to her and married her and is now playing golf all day. His priority was also money first when it came to women because he wanted to retire, but i would not be the least bit surprised if he is still having affairs with nurses while the wife is doing root canals. And if you barely know him and he's talking 'dowry' forget about it. He could be searching for a women who already has considerable assets. There are also lots of con men out there looking for women with a big nest egg and are happy to abscond with the money. So be careful that you really know who this guy is, and can verify he's on the up and up before you have much to do with him. I personally would find it very distasteful to be with a man who brought this kind of thing up early on, and wonder what his real motivation is.

08-30-2008, 02:40 PM	#9
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,630	Well, at least he is letting you know early on that he is all about money, money, money. Some people keep that well-hidden during the wooing stage and then their cheapness and money worshipping comes out only after the other person is hooked. So count yourself lucky that his priorities have been spelled out to you early on...at least now you can decide whether or not this #1 priority of his is something you can deal with or not.