His personality has changed, is he pushing me away?

changeisgood · 08-26-2008, 01:40 PM

Sorry for the long post I just really need some input on this . . .

We met when I was 17 and him 27 in a really odd way where many factors had to go just right otherwise we'd have never met. We've been going strong for almost 6 years now. But now he seems to be going from a strong carefree guy to a complaining scared guy.

I've lived on my own for 5 yrs, hes lived with his parents but has pretty much moved in for the past 18 months. I chose my recent apartment based on things he wanted, to the landlady he's a tenant but when u ask him he does not live with me.

I pay all the rent and bills, he throws in for groceries/bills time to time. This has caused a lot of resentment and when I've asked for a steady few hundred a month he goes "ya ya" and I never see anything. I am trying not to be a nag and I don't want to hound him about $.

He was a stand up comic when I met him and since then his "career" has gone downhill. All he does is complain about how everything turned against him and he's not where he wants to be in his life. I try to be supportive and tell him he has no real responsibilities so he has the freedom to get back into comedy, but he doesn't even try.

I've watched most of his friends get married to girls they started dating after we started and it makes me feel silly that we can't afford to get married.

I love to travel, and he hates to fly. We planned a vacation this summer and when we were about to book the flight he had a panic attack. Since then he has had daily panic attacks and doesn't stop talking about them. He thinks he's suddenly ill and keeps getting tests done, but I think its all in his mind.

He acts like my family is a bad dream that will eventually go away.

He complains non stop, rarely asks me about my issues. I recently got ID thefted and I told him via text. When we finally talked we spent 3 hrs discussing his most recent panic attack, he never asked about my ID Theft situation.

Last night we had a huge fight because my mother is suddenly coming to stay for four days. Since he refuses to stay in the same place as her this means he will have to spend a few days at his parents. He got really angry and started with "if i really lived there then why do you just get to push me out" and How dare I make him leave when he has all his big medical tests this week. I finally told him that making his life balanced is not my responsibility. That ended it and we haven't spoken since.

I don't know if I am just being insensitive to his "medical issues" but I feel like his mother, constantly saying "its ok sweetie".

I really love him, but do not know what to do. I can't tell if I'm just afraid to be single for the first time as an adult, or if I really want to work this out.

I do want my partner and friend back!! What should I do?

doyathink · 08-26-2008, 01:50 PM

This guy needs to grow up, and start taking responsibility for himself. He leaves it up to others to pay his way, and to make him happy.

Show some tough love and tell him what you need from him.

testcase · 08-26-2008, 01:53 PM

I agree with doyathink. Also know if he can't make himself happy it is a good possibility eventually you will be blamed for his unhappiness. It is good that you recognize the situation while you still love him. Tell him what you need and what he is doing wrong.

BeStrongBeHappy · 08-26-2008, 02:16 PM

You are more grown up than he is.

Sometimes older people choose younger people because they relate to them better. So when he was 27, he related better to a 17 year old than people his own age. Now the problem is you have grown up and he hasn't.

He went from having his parents support him (over 30!) to have you support him. That's not growing up at all, he just switched who's paying the bills for him.

I sympathize if he has a genuine medical condition, but he can get treated with medication if he genuinely has attacks, but you have to be very careful that he isn't just finding the next excuse to not work or take care of yourself.

I was with someone who always pretended he wanted to be responsible and work, but always set up circumstances that guaranteed he either didn't get a job, or lost a job he had, then he was perfectly content to try to live off my income and not support himself, for as long as i'd tolerate it.

Sometimes people too will choose 'careers' (like being a comic) where there is a good chance he won't find work to support himself fulltime. So they claim they're a comic and hence are working, but in reality he's sitting at your house while you support him doing next to nothing.

So you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to grow up and take responsibility. Let him get his medical evaluation, but once he's in treatment, he needs to start seriously looking for a real job and way to support himself and contribute equally to your household. Otherwise you may be supporting him when he's 40, 50, and forever.

changeisgood · 08-26-2008, 02:30 PM

Thank you all for your replies,
BeStrongBeHappy, How long were you in that relationship? How did you end it?

Also I left out that he has gotten a day job, but its the worst job ever and he hates it etc etc. I don't like my job either but work is work.

I'm ok with the $ support as long as I can afford it and he is actually trying to do something. I understand dreams and he wants his dream job, but I can't afford it anymore, and I have dreams too, Plus he's not even trying!!!

doyathink · 08-26-2008, 02:47 PM

He's co-dependent.
What if something (God forbid) happened to you and his family? How would he survive? Ppl like your bf need a wake up call for their own well being. If someone doesn't make him grow up (and so far, no one has...it's obvious) then he'll face so many hardships down the road, and not know how to handle it.
People have to learn to stand on their own two feet. I hate my job...which I use to love...but it pays the bills. I don't have anyone offering to do it for me, and I like electricity. lol

Whiskers · 08-26-2008, 03:08 PM

Personally the tough love approach is more than likely your only option.
It's about time he grew up, cut the umbilical cord from the parents and decide whether or not he really is WITH you.
He's not independent, he's been smothered for far too long and now that he's getting a glimpse of what is outside his pram...he's frightened.

You have to look out for yourself first as he clearly thinks of himself first, if he doesn't like it then he'll have to start listening to you and what you want and need. If he is committed he should prove it.

You deserve better.

XXXX

jettison · 08-26-2008, 03:17 PM

I see this scenario quite a bit. The young hottie falls for the older, funny, worldly one. It's a perfect romance, until enough reality sets in, and one or the other gets bored. Suddenly, the comic isn't so funny any more. In fact, comedians are usually depressed people who make up for it by always hamming it up, even when it's not remotely appropriate. I know a lot of comics actually, and you'll never find a more messed up bunch of people. Eventually, the lust he felt for a teenager fades, and now he's with an adult with adult cares and adult problems, and he can't deal. "Where's my little girl?," he's thinking.

You have something that isn't going to fix itself. There's no need to sugarcoat it. It will take him getting dumped before he sees it though and thinks about fixing his life a little bit. This won't get better. It will only get worse. I usually never say this because it's pretty bad policy, in general, to listen to some stranger's advice given over the internet and really act on it, but dump him. This won't get better. The disrespect he shows for your family is the kicker that makes it so very easy for me to say that to you and not cringe while saying it.

changeisgood · 08-26-2008, 03:32 PM

Thanks for being blunt, I do appreciate it.

I should add another note, when we met we both lied about our ages, I was 20 he was 24, I came clean after 3 weeks, he waited another few weeks. So it wasn't as lewd as you suggest. I wasn't a teenager when he started dating me, I became one, and there was a lot of back and forth on his part about the morality of dating me. Ha, I've never been his little girl either

But yes I fell for a worldly older guy and that is not the case anymore

and comics are very, very messed up people, I do not reccomend dating one.

changeisgood · 08-26-2008, 05:19 PM

So now he claims the doc gave him really bad news and hes going away for awhile. And he told me I was unsupportive and cruel during the hardest time of his life and I can go deal with my real problems.
But he wont tell me what the diagnosis is.

This is what I get after 5 yrs of support? I am so tired of this. If he's genuinely ill Im concerned but this drama makes me think its all bs.

08-26-2008, 01:40 PM	#1
changeisgood Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 5	His personality has changed, is he pushing me away? Sorry for the long post I just really need some input on this . . . We met when I was 17 and him 27 in a really odd way where many factors had to go just right otherwise we'd have never met. We've been going strong for almost 6 years now. But now he seems to be going from a strong carefree guy to a complaining scared guy. I've lived on my own for 5 yrs, hes lived with his parents but has pretty much moved in for the past 18 months. I chose my recent apartment based on things he wanted, to the landlady he's a tenant but when u ask him he does not live with me. I pay all the rent and bills, he throws in for groceries/bills time to time. This has caused a lot of resentment and when I've asked for a steady few hundred a month he goes "ya ya" and I never see anything. I am trying not to be a nag and I don't want to hound him about $. He was a stand up comic when I met him and since then his "career" has gone downhill. All he does is complain about how everything turned against him and he's not where he wants to be in his life. I try to be supportive and tell him he has no real responsibilities so he has the freedom to get back into comedy, but he doesn't even try. I've watched most of his friends get married to girls they started dating after we started and it makes me feel silly that we can't afford to get married. I love to travel, and he hates to fly. We planned a vacation this summer and when we were about to book the flight he had a panic attack. Since then he has had daily panic attacks and doesn't stop talking about them. He thinks he's suddenly ill and keeps getting tests done, but I think its all in his mind. He acts like my family is a bad dream that will eventually go away. He complains non stop, rarely asks me about my issues. I recently got ID thefted and I told him via text. When we finally talked we spent 3 hrs discussing his most recent panic attack, he never asked about my ID Theft situation. Last night we had a huge fight because my mother is suddenly coming to stay for four days. Since he refuses to stay in the same place as her this means he will have to spend a few days at his parents. He got really angry and started with "if i really lived there then why do you just get to push me out" and How dare I make him leave when he has all his big medical tests this week. I finally told him that making his life balanced is not my responsibility. That ended it and we haven't spoken since. I don't know if I am just being insensitive to his "medical issues" but I feel like his mother, constantly saying "its ok sweetie". I really love him, but do not know what to do. I can't tell if I'm just afraid to be single for the first time as an adult, or if I really want to work this out. I do want my partner and friend back!! What should I do?

08-26-2008, 02:30 PM	#5
changeisgood Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 5	Thank you all for your replies, BeStrongBeHappy, How long were you in that relationship? How did you end it? Also I left out that he has gotten a day job, but its the worst job ever and he hates it etc etc. I don't like my job either but work is work. I'm ok with the $ support as long as I can afford it and he is actually trying to do something. I understand dreams and he wants his dream job, but I can't afford it anymore, and I have dreams too, Plus he's not even trying!!! Last edited by changeisgood; 08-26-2008 at 02:49 PM.

08-26-2008, 03:08 PM	#7
Whiskers Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In dreams. Gender: Female Posts: 457	Personally the tough love approach is more than likely your only option. It's about time he grew up, cut the umbilical cord from the parents and decide whether or not he really is WITH you. He's not independent, he's been smothered for far too long and now that he's getting a glimpse of what is outside his pram...he's frightened. You have to look out for yourself first as he clearly thinks of himself first, if he doesn't like it then he'll have to start listening to you and what you want and need. If he is committed he should prove it. You deserve better. XXXX __________________ I wish I could fly, fly, fly!

08-26-2008, 03:17 PM	#8
jettison Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,968	I see this scenario quite a bit. The young hottie falls for the older, funny, worldly one. It's a perfect romance, until enough reality sets in, and one or the other gets bored. Suddenly, the comic isn't so funny any more. In fact, comedians are usually depressed people who make up for it by always hamming it up, even when it's not remotely appropriate. I know a lot of comics actually, and you'll never find a more messed up bunch of people. Eventually, the lust he felt for a teenager fades, and now he's with an adult with adult cares and adult problems, and he can't deal. "Where's my little girl?," he's thinking. You have something that isn't going to fix itself. There's no need to sugarcoat it. It will take him getting dumped before he sees it though and thinks about fixing his life a little bit. This won't get better. It will only get worse. I usually never say this because it's pretty bad policy, in general, to listen to some stranger's advice given over the internet and really act on it, but dump him. This won't get better. The disrespect he shows for your family is the kicker that makes it so very easy for me to say that to you and not cringe while saying it. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

08-26-2008, 01:50 PM	#2
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,313	This guy needs to grow up, and start taking responsibility for himself. He leaves it up to others to pay his way, and to make him happy. Show some tough love and tell him what you need from him.

08-26-2008, 01:53 PM	#3
testcase Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: East Coast Gender: Male Posts: 394	I agree with doyathink. Also know if he can't make himself happy it is a good possibility eventually you will be blamed for his unhappiness. It is good that you recognize the situation while you still love him. Tell him what you need and what he is doing wrong.

08-26-2008, 02:16 PM	#4
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,417	You are more grown up than he is. Sometimes older people choose younger people because they relate to them better. So when he was 27, he related better to a 17 year old than people his own age. Now the problem is you have grown up and he hasn't. He went from having his parents support him (over 30!) to have you support him. That's not growing up at all, he just switched who's paying the bills for him. I sympathize if he has a genuine medical condition, but he can get treated with medication if he genuinely has attacks, but you have to be very careful that he isn't just finding the next excuse to not work or take care of yourself. I was with someone who always pretended he wanted to be responsible and work, but always set up circumstances that guaranteed he either didn't get a job, or lost a job he had, then he was perfectly content to try to live off my income and not support himself, for as long as i'd tolerate it. Sometimes people too will choose 'careers' (like being a comic) where there is a good chance he won't find work to support himself fulltime. So they claim they're a comic and hence are working, but in reality he's sitting at your house while you support him doing next to nothing. So you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to grow up and take responsibility. Let him get his medical evaluation, but once he's in treatment, he needs to start seriously looking for a real job and way to support himself and contribute equally to your household. Otherwise you may be supporting him when he's 40, 50, and forever.

08-26-2008, 02:47 PM	#6
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,313	He's co-dependent. What if something (God forbid) happened to you and his family? How would he survive? Ppl like your bf need a wake up call for their own well being. If someone doesn't make him grow up (and so far, no one has...it's obvious) then he'll face so many hardships down the road, and not know how to handle it. People have to learn to stand on their own two feet. I hate my job...which I use to love...but it pays the bills. I don't have anyone offering to do it for me, and I like electricity. lol

08-26-2008, 03:32 PM	#9
changeisgood Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 5	Thanks for being blunt, I do appreciate it. I should add another note, when we met we both lied about our ages, I was 20 he was 24, I came clean after 3 weeks, he waited another few weeks. So it wasn't as lewd as you suggest. I wasn't a teenager when he started dating me, I became one, and there was a lot of back and forth on his part about the morality of dating me. Ha, I've never been his little girl either But yes I fell for a worldly older guy and that is not the case anymore and comics are very, very messed up people, I do not reccomend dating one.

08-26-2008, 05:19 PM	#10
changeisgood Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 5	So now he claims the doc gave him really bad news and hes going away for awhile. And he told me I was unsupportive and cruel during the hardest time of his life and I can go deal with my real problems. But he wont tell me what the diagnosis is. This is what I get after 5 yrs of support? I am so tired of this. If he's genuinely ill Im concerned but this drama makes me think its all bs.