I am living prrof beggars can be choosers

SchecterGuy · 08-26-2008, 11:12 AM

So my biiiiiiiigggggggg worry in life is that I will never find love. I've gone on a couple of dates since I hit rock bottom after the break up and you would think in my desperation I would cling to these girls. Nope. I go out with them and I just feel empty. Like there is no chemistry. I feel like I am running an excercise in futility. I was intimate with one and that made me feel even worse. I get this feeling like a happy relationship is an impossibility for me. Seeing my ex move on with like the first guy she met and me not being able to find who I want is painful. All of my exes that I met from the ages of 17 to 19 I hit it off right off the bat. Thet thought of perpetual loneliness is killing me.

riley123 · 08-26-2008, 11:23 AM

I get the sense that you are looking for someone to replace your ex. And if you have that type of mentality then you are never going to meet anyone that you're interested in.

These girls are not your ex. They will never be your ex.

Throw away all your expectations -- enjoy them for who they are. You never know, you might surprise yourself.

Mutley · 08-26-2008, 11:24 AM

Dude, not to come down on you....but the "whoas me" schtick is getting old.

You have some time in now after your breakup; be glad your not nursing a brand new heartache like many here are.

Maybe dating isn't the best thing for you at the moment? Focus on other things. Force your self to do non-relationship type activities. Hang out with guy friends.

I'm not talking out my ear....I'm doing the same thing. I'm taking a good break from dating as well.

jettison · 08-26-2008, 11:29 AM

You should understand what's going on here. You're dating and approaching women with a goal in mind: Fill this hole in my heart and end my loneliness. No woman, no matter how beautiful, wonderful, loving, or empathetic, can feel that gap for you. The whole world over, none can do it. Only you can do that, and that takes a lot of time and introspection.

But the great thing is that you have a precedent. You know that you can make a relationship work because you've done it in the past. It's in you. Therefore, you know it will happen again when your mind and spirit are in a better place. And when you get to that place, you're going to be less goal-oriented, less desperate, and more willing to just enjoy the very small things presented to you... like appreciating someone's laugh, or feeling giddy from a joke.

There isn't any doubt that you're over thinking all of this right now. When you were young, as you pointed out, it was much easier right? That's mostly because the goals were different, you weren't trying to make each woman out to be your immediate life partner, and if you failed it was so much less of a big deal for you.

This is exactly why thoughtful, introspective people sometimes take either too little or too much time in between relationships. They take too little time because they are just trying to immediately fill the loneliness gap so that it never creeps up or becomes an issue. They take too much time because they are hung up on the disappointment, the bereavement, and the loss.

Just remember that the world is mostly a reflection of what's inside you. Whatever you see is really what you are inside at that moment. Do you see lonely, sad people everywhere you look? That's only because that's what you are inside if that's true. But also remember that these are fundamental states of being, and they can't be skipped.

"You have to sleep before you wake."

yankeefan74 · 08-26-2008, 11:41 AM

I'm coming up on two months since my breakup, and it's too soon for me after my 13 month relationship. I suppose if someone sort of came into my life, that would be one thing...but i'm just concentrating now on getting over the pain, the hurt...and yes, the limited amount of hope i still carry around that my ex will be back. I've lost not only her, but her children as well, who i had grown very close to.

It's been a difficult time. I have to see her nearly every day and she's as beautiful as she's always been. She's with someone new, so i hear and see little things about that.

Before i met her, it'd been a long time since my previous relationship. I wasn't sure i'd ever find someone, or let someone in again...and i was only 33! Imagine thinking you wouldn't ever find someone at still a relatively young age. Then she came along, and it's proof that it does happen if you allow it too.

I need to get back to enjoying relaxing with my friends at camp...reading books, jogging, listening to music, watching baseball/football.

Maybe you should stop worrying about replacing your ex, schechter...as has been pointed out here, and just focus on YOU. You will never move on if you keep telling yourself you will never find someone else.

SchecterGuy · 08-26-2008, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mutley

Dude, not to come down on you....but the "whoas me" schtick is getting old.

You have some time in now after your breakup; be glad your not nursing a brand new heartache like many here are.

Maybe dating isn't the best thing for you at the moment? Focus on other things. Force your self to do non-relationship type activities. Hang out with guy friends.

I'm not talking out my ear....I'm doing the same thing. I'm taking a good break from dating as well.

I know. Everything is so goal oriented for me and I hate it. It is so damn hard to get over things though. Its like I want to go into my brain and reprogram everything. I know I come off as a broken record, but I just need to vent. I just want to live my life normally. Not have to resrtict myself or force myself. I talk to my Mom and she acts like things will happen all good in end and everything will just fall into place like life is a game of Tetris. It has never been like that for me. I have always had to put in two times the effort for half the results. Plus all this anxiety (and I see where I get it from now in my family) just makes it worse. Being single depresses me and dating depresses me. I do not know how to break the cycle. The only time I am really happy is when I aimlessly drive around. Maybe I should become a truck driver

Part of the reason why I think I am like this is because all of my attempts to make my life better have just made things worse. Not only did I lose my ex during this, but I lost a close friend (one of the few I have out here) and a home. I left the relationship in good spirits and things just got worse since the breakup. Its like I took one step forward and quite a few steps back in bettering myself and this is without trying to get into a relationship. I keep trying and trying. I have a new home with new people who seem pretty cool. Its a step. But I still worry. One thing I did learn is to not take dating so seriously. I have stepped back from that. That does not mean I still do not hold in my head that I will never meet anyone. I just wish I had the fairytale meetup my parents had.

riley123 · 08-26-2008, 11:46 AM

According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, the resident population of the United States, projected to 08/26/08 at 15:45 GMT (EST+5) is 304,976,854.

You had relationship with one girl -- statistically, there are just too many people in the world to assume that you will never 'click' with anyone else.

Mutley · 08-26-2008, 11:59 AM

Man...you are SO much like me.

Have you been checked for OCD?

I have it. Plus a depressive disorder.

It makes life miserable.

Fortunately I've found a therapist who has recognized this in me...and that's what I'm working on now. I figure I'll never be happy in a relationship until I work on myself.

SchecterGuy · 08-26-2008, 12:27 PM

As far as I know I am not OCD. I guess the mainstream view of what it is. I do not need everything to be in its place. As for depression, I will give the rundown of that. Story time... I am a shy person. During high school I was pretty lonely because of this. I basicalyl hung with my best friend outside of school exclusively. At lunch during school I would hang with other people because my friend went to a different school. That and lack of a gf made me depressed. But back then I would put on my headphones and shed a tear or two and I would be fine. Junior year I got a FWB and we hung out a lot as well as a couple of others. I was cool for the most part. Senior year they all left and I hung out with others. My best friend is gone at this point, but he will be back. I would hang with this little crew, but I was still lonely for a gf. Found one and she was a major B---h. I clung on thinking I caused it and got more depressed. Freshman year of college, clung onto the second person that said yes. She ended this relationship that summer. Sophomore year I got really depressed because I was sucking at school and it was a lonely school because it was a commuter school. I clung to the first person that said yes. Luckily we were pretty compatible, but I was never majorly attracted to her. This kind of lead to the downfall. This is the relationship that has me in a tailspin now. During the time with her I felt on top of the world because she was there. I was not lonely even though I had a wandering eye. I cannot do that again. My loneliness is a lot more difficult to get rid of. Not being at school does not help. Coming from such a high to such a low does not help. All the external stress does not help. Not having the coping mechanisms I used to have really does not help. This is why I drive so much. To get away.

Mutley · 08-26-2008, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchecterGuy

As far as I know I am not OCD. I guess the mainstream view of what it is. I do not need everything to be in its place. does not help.

You seem to have obessive thoughts....that's a symptom of OCD. One doesn't need to constantaly wash their hands or check things.

08-26-2008, 11:12 AM	#1
SchecterGuy Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: San Jose, Ca Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 389	I am living prrof beggars can be choosers So my biiiiiiiigggggggg worry in life is that I will never find love. I've gone on a couple of dates since I hit rock bottom after the break up and you would think in my desperation I would cling to these girls. Nope. I go out with them and I just feel empty. Like there is no chemistry. I feel like I am running an excercise in futility. I was intimate with one and that made me feel even worse. I get this feeling like a happy relationship is an impossibility for me. Seeing my ex move on with like the first guy she met and me not being able to find who I want is painful. All of my exes that I met from the ages of 17 to 19 I hit it off right off the bat. Thet thought of perpetual loneliness is killing me. __________________ [QUOTE=Clementine orange;2602553] SchecterGuy, I think you're gonna make a great dad one day![/QUOTE]

08-26-2008, 11:23 AM	#2
riley123 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 1,204	I get the sense that you are looking for someone to replace your ex. And if you have that type of mentality then you are never going to meet anyone that you're interested in. These girls are not your ex. They will never be your ex. Throw away all your expectations -- enjoy them for who they are. You never know, you might surprise yourself. __________________ But I've been to the ocean her salts they do heal And washed me anew in her tides And now I ride easy down her cool wide waves And over the world am I --The Low Anthem

08-26-2008, 11:29 AM	#4
jettison Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,969	You should understand what's going on here. You're dating and approaching women with a goal in mind: Fill this hole in my heart and end my loneliness. No woman, no matter how beautiful, wonderful, loving, or empathetic, can feel that gap for you. The whole world over, none can do it. Only you can do that, and that takes a lot of time and introspection. But the great thing is that you have a precedent. You know that you can make a relationship work because you've done it in the past. It's in you. Therefore, you know it will happen again when your mind and spirit are in a better place. And when you get to that place, you're going to be less goal-oriented, less desperate, and more willing to just enjoy the very small things presented to you... like appreciating someone's laugh, or feeling giddy from a joke. There isn't any doubt that you're over thinking all of this right now. When you were young, as you pointed out, it was much easier right? That's mostly because the goals were different, you weren't trying to make each woman out to be your immediate life partner, and if you failed it was so much less of a big deal for you. This is exactly why thoughtful, introspective people sometimes take either too little or too much time in between relationships. They take too little time because they are just trying to immediately fill the loneliness gap so that it never creeps up or becomes an issue. They take too much time because they are hung up on the disappointment, the bereavement, and the loss. Just remember that the world is mostly a reflection of what's inside you. Whatever you see is really what you are inside at that moment. Do you see lonely, sad people everywhere you look? That's only because that's what you are inside if that's true. But also remember that these are fundamental states of being, and they can't be skipped. "You have to sleep before you wake." __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo Last edited by jettison; 08-26-2008 at 11:37 AM.

08-26-2008, 11:46 AM	#7
riley123 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 1,204	According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, the resident population of the United States, projected to 08/26/08 at 15:45 GMT (EST+5) is 304,976,854. You had relationship with one girl -- statistically, there are just too many people in the world to assume that you will never 'click' with anyone else. __________________ But I've been to the ocean her salts they do heal And washed me anew in her tides And now I ride easy down her cool wide waves And over the world am I --The Low Anthem

08-26-2008, 12:27 PM	#9
SchecterGuy Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: San Jose, Ca Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 389	As far as I know I am not OCD. I guess the mainstream view of what it is. I do not need everything to be in its place. As for depression, I will give the rundown of that. Story time... I am a shy person. During high school I was pretty lonely because of this. I basicalyl hung with my best friend outside of school exclusively. At lunch during school I would hang with other people because my friend went to a different school. That and lack of a gf made me depressed. But back then I would put on my headphones and shed a tear or two and I would be fine. Junior year I got a FWB and we hung out a lot as well as a couple of others. I was cool for the most part. Senior year they all left and I hung out with others. My best friend is gone at this point, but he will be back. I would hang with this little crew, but I was still lonely for a gf. Found one and she was a major B---h. I clung on thinking I caused it and got more depressed. Freshman year of college, clung onto the second person that said yes. She ended this relationship that summer. Sophomore year I got really depressed because I was sucking at school and it was a lonely school because it was a commuter school. I clung to the first person that said yes. Luckily we were pretty compatible, but I was never majorly attracted to her. This kind of lead to the downfall. This is the relationship that has me in a tailspin now. During the time with her I felt on top of the world because she was there. I was not lonely even though I had a wandering eye. I cannot do that again. My loneliness is a lot more difficult to get rid of. Not being at school does not help. Coming from such a high to such a low does not help. All the external stress does not help. Not having the coping mechanisms I used to have really does not help. This is why I drive so much. To get away. __________________ [QUOTE=Clementine orange;2602553] SchecterGuy, I think you're gonna make a great dad one day![/QUOTE]

08-26-2008, 11:24 AM	#3
Mutley Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,829	Dude, not to come down on you....but the "whoas me" schtick is getting old. You have some time in now after your breakup; be glad your not nursing a brand new heartache like many here are. Maybe dating isn't the best thing for you at the moment? Focus on other things. Force your self to do non-relationship type activities. Hang out with guy friends. I'm not talking out my ear....I'm doing the same thing. I'm taking a good break from dating as well.

08-26-2008, 11:41 AM	#5
yankeefan74 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Central New York Gender: Male Age: 35 Posts: 580	I'm coming up on two months since my breakup, and it's too soon for me after my 13 month relationship. I suppose if someone sort of came into my life, that would be one thing...but i'm just concentrating now on getting over the pain, the hurt...and yes, the limited amount of hope i still carry around that my ex will be back. I've lost not only her, but her children as well, who i had grown very close to. It's been a difficult time. I have to see her nearly every day and she's as beautiful as she's always been. She's with someone new, so i hear and see little things about that. Before i met her, it'd been a long time since my previous relationship. I wasn't sure i'd ever find someone, or let someone in again...and i was only 33! Imagine thinking you wouldn't ever find someone at still a relatively young age. Then she came along, and it's proof that it does happen if you allow it too. I need to get back to enjoying relaxing with my friends at camp...reading books, jogging, listening to music, watching baseball/football. Maybe you should stop worrying about replacing your ex, schechter...as has been pointed out here, and just focus on YOU. You will never move on if you keep telling yourself you will never find someone else.

08-26-2008, 11:59 AM	#8
Mutley Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,829	Man...you are SO much like me. Have you been checked for OCD? I have it. Plus a depressive disorder. It makes life miserable. Fortunately I've found a therapist who has recognized this in me...and that's what I'm working on now. I figure I'll never be happy in a relationship until I work on myself.