Are emotional abusers usually narcissists?

[undercover007]

I've been reading tons and tons of articles online about narcissists.. and i find a lot of the traits describing my ex bf. I know for sure that my ex was an emotional abuser.. but how do i know for sure he is truly a narcissist?

I've written many posts about him always breaking up with me or threatening to leave. He was also very sarcastic with me.. but there were times where he could be really sweet, loving, and caring. But then there were many times where he would be so hurtful and rude to me.. it made me wonder if it was normal for a bf to treat their gf that way. I thought maybe it really was me and everything really was my fault for causing our relationship to turn the way they did. I always had to watch out for his moods. I could never be sure what to expect.. somedays he would be nice and calm and i could talk to him about anything.. but if i caught him in a grouchy pissed off mood.. i had to watch what i say and i had to make sure i didnt do or say anything that would set him off. I lived in fear throughout the relationship.. in fact i still live in fear.

I keep reading how narcissists dont have any empathy or they lack emotions.. and sounds a lot like my ex. But there were times where he seemed so genuine.. and he seemed like he truly loved me and that he would never want to hurt me. Like he would stare into my eyes and he would say all these sweet things and i felt like wow, he really does care for me and maybe he just had anger problems that he didnt know how to control. But then when he got angry or when we got into fights.. it would turn really ugly. And he would constantly ignore me for days which would drive me nuts and id keep calling and calling he would ignore me more cause he knew how much it pissed me off.

Anyways, my ex and i have broken up countless times before.. some would last for couple of days.. some weeks..(him always the one breaking up with me and me begging him back) but the longest one was last year around the same time and that was for a month. That break up was the worst one ever and i remember i couldnt believe all this was happening and thought it was a dream. And the pain was so unbearable that i almost wanted to drop out of college cause i couldnt function. The fight started with him saying im too needy and whiny.. but i was getting upset cause i hadnt seen him all week and he was giving me an attitude. And i waited all weekend to see him and then i said one little comment.. i think i complained about how i was waiting all day and that he should have told me what time he was going to see me.. and then he just blew up at me.. and said u know what now im not going to see u and then hung up on me. I was so angry cause i had waited all week to see him and then now he tells me hes not.. so i called him back over n over.. but he ignored all my calls (like he usually does when hes mad).. and then turned off his phone. I went CRAZY.. cause hes done this so many times to me. But i couldnt control my emotions and went to the place where i knew he would be. I showed up looking like a crazy stalker.. and he was with one of friends. I confronted him and said why is he being like this.. then he said he cant be with me and broke up with me right in front of his friend. I cried my way back to the car and went home. The next day i was still so angry and hurt i stupidly called him over and over and then showed up at his house telling him that i needed to talk. He wouldnt answer.. and when he finally did, he said that he would call the cops and get a restraining order. But instead he called my mom and told her that he would call the cops if i didnt stop calling. My mom was furious at what i was doing but she also couldnt believe that my bf would say such a thing to her. At the point.. i felt like it was over for good. He told me that he never wanted to talk to me and that i had no chances. I couldnt eat.. sleep.. i cried every single day.. i just wanted to die cause the pain hurt so much. I will never forget that.

Even after all that happened.. i still would call him and he would say hurtful things like stop calling u b**** and he told me he threw away all the things i gave him. I was crushed. It finally hit me and i told myself wow i really need to move on. I deleted all his pics on myspace.. i changed my status.. i hid all his things that he gave me and all the pictures in a box. I decided to go out wtih my friends (even tho i was miserable).. and really tried to move on cause i had to. Then a week after.. he ends up calling me one morning. I freaked out thinking why is he calling me.. my heart was racing.. and when i answered.. i asked him what he wanted. He sounded all calm and said, "i just wanted to see what u been up to." I couldnt believe it. He was making like nothing happened. I acted calm and just said nothing.. just going out with friends. And then he proceeded to try and make me jealous and say how its funny that after we broke up all these girls are trying to get wtih him. I was crushed.. and i wanted to die. I broke down of course and cried and told him i missed him. He said he was willing to give me another chance if i could change. I couldnt believe after all that, he still wanted to be with me. I didnt see him till another week tho... but we would talk almost every day and then when we finally decided to meet up.. it felt like we were falling in love all over again. It was the most amazing feeling in the world and i felt like he and i both could make it work. We talked about everything and the following weeks he was being so unbelievably sweet and he would do things that i wanted to do when normally hes the one that made all the decisions.

That didnt last too long tho.. we started fighting again. but no break ups.. and then things got better for awhile. Then they started following old cycles of us fighting.. him breaking up with me.. me begging him back.. it was all happening AGAIN! Finally we had a huge break up last month.. i caught him in a small lie.. then accused him of being the biggest liar i know.. and i completely lashed out on him cause i had so much built up anger from what he had done to me before. He used that against me and told me i was crazy and that he couldnt be with a crazy person like me. I begged and cried day after day saying sorry and putting the blame on myself. He told me that it was "too late" and he didnt think i could change and that he gave me too many chances. I again felt that feeling i had when he had that huge break up last year. Once again i couldnt function.. and i acted crazy calling him all the time over n over.. and he would threaten again to call the cops on me or call my mom.

I did everything for this man. I even helped him get his career that he has now thru my moms friend because i knew how badly he wanted to get his life going. Now hes so busy with his new job.. hes a manager of a restaurant so im sure he feels like hes on top of the world now. He gets to boss everyone around and supposedly no one likes him there. But he doesnt care. Anyways, i have a lot of his clothes (nice clothes i must say) at my house and an expensive gas grill but he doesnt want his stuff back. Do u think hes purposely leaving it at my house or does he really not care to get it back. Ive broken no contact throughout all last month.. but i finally realized i need to stick thru it and so far its been a week (longest ive ever gone without contacting him).

I have SO MUCH anger and hate that sometimes i think of getting revenge. I still have his password to his business email.. and sometims i think about deleting all his important emails and then changing his password (i sound crazy i know). But after all the hurtful things he has done.. i just have so much hate towards him. How could he treat me this way after EVERYTHING i have done for him. I dont think id actually be able to delete his emails cause im not that cruel. But ive read on another forum that the best revenge is no contact and not giving them the time of day. Even negative attention makes them feel like they know they still have the control over u.. but if u show apathy and show that u have moved on.. it will make them go crazy. Is that true? I so badly just want to move on.. im trying so hard.. but i break down every day and cry over all my hopes and dreams being crushed. I truly believed he would be the love of my life.. or at least thats whut he use to tell me

Btw, sorry for such a long post..

[Gratsy]

I don't think so. I dated emotional abusers who weren't narcissists. On the contrary, they hated themselves.

[Victoria66]

Just leave it be. That relationship sounds like a murder waiting to happen. Let yourself grieve and move on. Yes many abusers are narcissistic or appear to be on the outside, on the inside they are self loathing wether they know it or not, and many people who get abused are addictive personalities, a co dependant situation. He found someone to abuse and you found someone that you could obsess over. If you have done that in more than one relationship check out why you do that or you will find the same thing over and over. Stay gone and never have anything to do with him again.

[Gratsy]

Originally Posted by Victoria66

Just leave it be. That relationship sounds like a murder waiting to happen. Let yourself grieve and move on. Yes many abusers are narcissistic or appear to be on the outside, on the inside they are self loathing wether they know it or not, and many people who get abused are addictive personalities, a co dependant situation. He found someone to abuse and you found someone that you could obsess over. If you have done that in more than one relationship check out why you do that or you will find the same thing over and over. Stay gone and never have anything to do with him again.

thats really insightful. I've dated a lot of verbally abusive/controlling men. What do you mean by addictive personality? I mean, I think I really do obsess over the men in my life: is that bad? What is the alternative?

[Victoria66]

I know I have an addictive personality. It is something I have learned to control lately. I have been in relationships not good for me. I have abused alcohol, drugs, I have self injured. All very addictive behavoirs. Addictiveness they think may be genetic in some cases, others are part of childhood abuse and how it changes the brain and enviroment. I have all 3 against me. There are addicts in my family, I was severely abused as a child and my environment when I was young sucked. I realize that and I chose NOT to keep doing the behavoirs that get me nowhere. Plus I do not want to teach my son this behavoir. It is something you have to think about a lot. Examine WHY you are doing something, what is the impetus. I have to check my behavoir daily to stop sometimes.

[jasper01]

Everyone has some degree of narcissistic wounding. What you're reading about on the net is probably about pathological narcissism which is not what's going on here. This is just garden variety immaturity.

[kuhl282000]

I think they are for sure .......especially the controlling types

[undercover007]

A lot of his clothes n stuff are at my house.. he doesnt want it back which is weird cause the other break ups he asked for it back. Should i just drop it off at his house without telling him?

[Gratsy]

Nah, just tuck it away in a box somewhere. If he wants it, he can have it. In a year if he hasn't gotten it: go to Goodwill.

Dn't assume this is another get back together break up. Its a break up cuz its broken.

[ccali78]

I am wondering if my ex was that. He did not communicate but was easily able to move on to another woman that is going through a divorce with kids, while lying to me saying he needed to be alone to hopefully work things out someday between us. Does that sound narcissistic