Parents not talking to us anymore

girlie353 · 08-22-2008, 03:01 PM

Hi all - I'll apologise in advance cos this is likely to be a long post, cos it's a long story (as I'm sure all parental issues are) - but I'll try to keep it as condensed as possible.

Myself and my 3 brothers generally have a good relationship with my parents, but there has been some tension underlying that relationship for some time (a few years) on our part. My mother goes through episodes of freaking out over perceived actions towards her, and uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips to get us to grovel at her feet until she gets over it. Examples of this include: leaving me a letter in my room one night, after I had gone out with friends as I did every weekend at the time (I was in college), saying that she really wished that I had stayed in with her and that I obviously don't care about my family at all and not to bother coming home for Christmas. Another example is the time they both got angry because my brother had gotten my Dad socks and boxers as a silly present from his 2 baby daughters (he had gotten him books also from himself) and my parents couldn't believe that all he got was socks and boxers - I usually bear the brunt of these episodes as I am the only daughter, and when Mum exploded about this she never even mentioned the books he had also gotten, and went on to cry that none of her children love her at all. She can be a bit melodramatic.

My Dad is kind of another kettle of fish - he doesn't really have a relationship with any of us on a personal level, it's all very superficial and he doesn't really know us as people in our own right - we are still the "children" (we range in age from 27 to 3

and he is the "father".

It all came to head last weekend, when myself and one of my brothers (and his wife and kids) spent the weekend with them at their holiday home. We had felt forced into going down for the weekend as the previous weekend they had planned didn't suit any of us as we had stuff already planned for that weekend, but they took that as a personal insult (more tears from my mother), so the "family gathering" was already a bit forced in the first place. My brother ended up snapping during the night and basically told them that our relationships are forced and have underlying tension, that they don't see their grandkids enough - my parents are the type of people who need a formal invitation to visit, instead of just calling in, and this has long been an issue for all of us. My brother had told them months ago that we wouldn't be inviting them again, that they are his parents and have a permanent open invitation to visit when they're passing (they pass by his house every time they go up and down to the holiday home, which is pretty much every week) and they still never pop in for a visit. He also told them that they have to stop freaking out over nothing and that the tension comes from a fear that we never know when they will snap again - it always comes with no warning and no provocation. And he also told Dad that he doesn't feel that he has any relationship with him at all. He did most of the talking (or shouting really) and the only specific thing that I said to my Mum was as above, that I never know when she's going to freak out, and that it's always at me.

Since then they haven't spoken to us at all, we have both tried calling them to talk things out and fix things but they don't answer the phone. As far as I can tell (they have spoken to my younger brother, he wasn't there that night), they are in the frame of mind that they don't have any relationship left with us and that they're trying to pick up the pieces of their lives to carry on without their children - more melodrama and emotional manipulation. I don't want to belittle the shock that night must have given them, but at the same time, what myself and my brother both want is to talk things out with them and try to all work together to fix things. We were hoping that after a few days they would take stock of what was actually said (none of which was wrong or out of line) and maybe try to take at least some of the liability for what's gone wrong in our relationship. But it seems that they see the whole thing as a huge lack of respect towards them as parents, instead of being willing to talk to us as adults. If they talk to us again, it'll be for us to come grovelling and ass-kissing and apologising (when there's nothing to apologise for) and beg forgiveness. Which neither of us are willing to do.

I have been through these kinds of episodes many times with my mother over the last few years, and I just find it so emotionally draining to be taking responsibility for talking her out of these freakouts, especially when I have done nothing wrong to provoke them. I have even considered seeking counselling to sort through the resentment and bitterness that has built up in me as a result.

Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I can't grovel again, I just can't physically do it when all I did was tell the truth about the tension I feel because of these past episodes, and when they have an opportunity to talk to us as adults and fix the relationship and move forward, but they won't take it. I have tried calling them to see if they'd like to talk about what happened and try to make up, but they don't answer the phone or call me back.

I guess I just really want your opinions on all of this. I know lots of people have estranged relationships with their parents, but I never thought that would happen to me - when they're in good form I get on great with them, especially my mother - we can talk for hours about everything - but now that everything's out in the open, I feel like the ball is in their court and that they need to be willing to at least talk things over properly instead of waiting for an apology. But I seriously doubt that they're capable of this.

Any advice would be much appreciated - thanks for taking the time to read this (turned out pretty long after all!)

ccali78 · 08-22-2008, 03:18 PM

Sounds like my ex-boyfriends family. I feel so bad for you. I am speechless. I have no idea what he went through he has not spoken with them in two years. HIs brother is not talking to them now and the parents want nothing to do with them.

They talk to the middle brother as he lives about 3000 miles away. It is amazing the damage the parents have done to each child. One is angry all the time and a big child.. My ex cannot communicate and the one that lives far away seems to be ok..

unabashed · 08-22-2008, 03:20 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. One thing I can offer is that I just read a book which helped me understand the issues in my own family. It's an oldie, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janice Woititz. There isn't alcoholism in my family, but there is dysfunction galore, so a therapist I have seen recommended that one. It was extremely helpful. She also recommended a couple of books about setting boundaries, which sounds like something you and your siblings are struggling with. They are "Boundaries and Relationships" by Charles Whitfield, and "Better Boundaries" by Enns and Black. I just found new and used options for all of these on Amazon.

Wishing you all the best.

girlie353 · 08-22-2008, 03:35 PM

Aw thanks so much for the kind words I was half afraid that someone would give out to me for not showing my parents enough respect, that I'm in the wrong somehow!!

Cali I didn't mention my eldest brother in my post (he wasn't there that night either), but he sounds exactly like the brother you have mentioned - he has had major issues with my parents for years and has serious anger issues and is also a big child. And my youngest brother seems to get on okay with them but like the other brother you mention, he is about to move to Canada (we live in Ireland) and has spent most of his time out of the country travelling. Funny to see similarities in other families, at least I know I'm not mad!!

unabashed thanks for the tips I'll certainly check those books out - although I'm not sure what good it would do that this stage, I think we've hit rock bottom as a family and I have my doubts about being able to resolve things - at least not until my parents are willing to have a proper conversation about everything, which I just can't see happening.

It's just heartbreaking to have reached this point though - I live with my boyfriend of 4 years (and he has been wonderful this week as I have been bothered by the whole situation) and I just can't helping thinking about what I'd do if he proposed or if we were to have kids. I can't imagine having a wedding without my parents there, and if this doesn't resolve itself I'd probably just go for a small registry office wedding cos the alternative is just too sad - either marry without them or have them there with awkwardness and tension on "the happiest day of my life". And the thought of having kids without them knowing their grandparents is just too hard to even contemplate.

But having said all that I can't back down this time, I just can't. So at the moment all I see is a future without my parents in it, which is hard to come to terms with.

ccali78 · 08-22-2008, 04:07 PM

I feel like crying they are the reason we broke up. When they stopped talking to him he fell apart. He knew how tough they were and could not accept him back easily and would need to eat dirt to get back in. He knew they would never accept me again so how could he marry me. He does not have his family.

It has led to more heartbreak. I just hope you can live your life and be happy because we could not do it together. Speak freely to your bf as he could not speak to me. We were together 4.5 years and live together and he just moved out. Kind of like his family made his decision on the spur of a moment...

unabashed · 08-22-2008, 05:23 PM

I definitely agree that now is not the time to make everything all "better" between you and your parents. The books are really more to give you some insight and understanding into a very difficult situation--a more helpful and healhty way of setting boundaries and feeling OK about that. All the best.

AwdreeHpburn · 08-22-2008, 07:32 PM

OMG!!!

I hope this doesn't come across as flippant cos that's not my intention... I relate to this all too well...

but... LMAO!!!

That is SO awesome!

I thought MY mother was the only person in the world like that cos... ah.... sorry but... RIDICULOUS! lol

We, my sisters, my brother and I, JUST got over an episode similar to this with my mum because she was screaming - SCREAMING - and carrying on about how my sister doesn't love her because when she was in Cali she didn't call my mother back like she said she would. "I loved her before I knew her," she said. "I carried her in my womb..."

Yeh, she actually said that.

So then she tells us all that she's not talking to us anymore because we took my sister's side over hers. :

So ya know what I did? Seemed to work too, for me anyway.

I said, "fine." And hung up. Didn't talk to her til she called me back all done with it.

Weird thing was, she acted like it never happened. Any of it. It will again tho....

...

and so on goes the cycle....

She's childish and needs to get her way. Stop giving it to her until she can decide whether or not she wants to avoid her family for the rest of her life, or grow up.

Best of luck to you, sincerely.

-Awdree

healthseeker · 08-26-2008, 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlie353

But having said all that I can't back down this time, I just can't. So at the moment all I see is a future without my parents in it, which is hard to come to terms with.

Wow! I have been right there before! It is so sad and can put you in a state of shock!

I have had trouble with my parents and siblings for years. If you read back to my other post...it's long, but will give you insight. My parents are always waiting for me and my husband to do something that they can blame on us. Then they complain about us to everyone and we never hear about it until later. One example...we had dinner with them and my sister's family last year. They all ignored us and then said the next day, "your husband doesn't like us"...they want to turn him into a monster because they won't feel so guilty then for all the money he has given them. My 3 siblings all still live off them....it's sick. I'm the b*tch, because I chose to grow up and they are threatened. PROFESSIONAL VICTIMS! Sounds like your parents can fall under this category, as well. My advice is to spend your energy and love on this supportive relationship you have.

08-22-2008, 03:01 PM	#1
girlie353 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Dublin, Ireland Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 55	Parents not talking to us anymore Hi all - I'll apologise in advance cos this is likely to be a long post, cos it's a long story (as I'm sure all parental issues are) - but I'll try to keep it as condensed as possible. Myself and my 3 brothers generally have a good relationship with my parents, but there has been some tension underlying that relationship for some time (a few years) on our part. My mother goes through episodes of freaking out over perceived actions towards her, and uses emotional blackmail and guilt trips to get us to grovel at her feet until she gets over it. Examples of this include: leaving me a letter in my room one night, after I had gone out with friends as I did every weekend at the time (I was in college), saying that she really wished that I had stayed in with her and that I obviously don't care about my family at all and not to bother coming home for Christmas. Another example is the time they both got angry because my brother had gotten my Dad socks and boxers as a silly present from his 2 baby daughters (he had gotten him books also from himself) and my parents couldn't believe that all he got was socks and boxers - I usually bear the brunt of these episodes as I am the only daughter, and when Mum exploded about this she never even mentioned the books he had also gotten, and went on to cry that none of her children love her at all. She can be a bit melodramatic. My Dad is kind of another kettle of fish - he doesn't really have a relationship with any of us on a personal level, it's all very superficial and he doesn't really know us as people in our own right - we are still the "children" (we range in age from 27 to 3 and he is the "father". It all came to head last weekend, when myself and one of my brothers (and his wife and kids) spent the weekend with them at their holiday home. We had felt forced into going down for the weekend as the previous weekend they had planned didn't suit any of us as we had stuff already planned for that weekend, but they took that as a personal insult (more tears from my mother), so the "family gathering" was already a bit forced in the first place. My brother ended up snapping during the night and basically told them that our relationships are forced and have underlying tension, that they don't see their grandkids enough - my parents are the type of people who need a formal invitation to visit, instead of just calling in, and this has long been an issue for all of us. My brother had told them months ago that we wouldn't be inviting them again, that they are his parents and have a permanent open invitation to visit when they're passing (they pass by his house every time they go up and down to the holiday home, which is pretty much every week) and they still never pop in for a visit. He also told them that they have to stop freaking out over nothing and that the tension comes from a fear that we never know when they will snap again - it always comes with no warning and no provocation. And he also told Dad that he doesn't feel that he has any relationship with him at all. He did most of the talking (or shouting really) and the only specific thing that I said to my Mum was as above, that I never know when she's going to freak out, and that it's always at me. Since then they haven't spoken to us at all, we have both tried calling them to talk things out and fix things but they don't answer the phone. As far as I can tell (they have spoken to my younger brother, he wasn't there that night), they are in the frame of mind that they don't have any relationship left with us and that they're trying to pick up the pieces of their lives to carry on without their children - more melodrama and emotional manipulation. I don't want to belittle the shock that night must have given them, but at the same time, what myself and my brother both want is to talk things out with them and try to all work together to fix things. We were hoping that after a few days they would take stock of what was actually said (none of which was wrong or out of line) and maybe try to take at least some of the liability for what's gone wrong in our relationship. But it seems that they see the whole thing as a huge lack of respect towards them as parents, instead of being willing to talk to us as adults. If they talk to us again, it'll be for us to come grovelling and ass-kissing and apologising (when there's nothing to apologise for) and beg forgiveness. Which neither of us are willing to do. I have been through these kinds of episodes many times with my mother over the last few years, and I just find it so emotionally draining to be taking responsibility for talking her out of these freakouts, especially when I have done nothing wrong to provoke them. I have even considered seeking counselling to sort through the resentment and bitterness that has built up in me as a result. Right now, I'm not sure what to do. I can't grovel again, I just can't physically do it when all I did was tell the truth about the tension I feel because of these past episodes, and when they have an opportunity to talk to us as adults and fix the relationship and move forward, but they won't take it. I have tried calling them to see if they'd like to talk about what happened and try to make up, but they don't answer the phone or call me back. I guess I just really want your opinions on all of this. I know lots of people have estranged relationships with their parents, but I never thought that would happen to me - when they're in good form I get on great with them, especially my mother - we can talk for hours about everything - but now that everything's out in the open, I feel like the ball is in their court and that they need to be willing to at least talk things over properly instead of waiting for an apology. But I seriously doubt that they're capable of this. Any advice would be much appreciated - thanks for taking the time to read this (turned out pretty long after all!) __________________ "Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile." "You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"

08-22-2008, 03:35 PM	#4
girlie353 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Dublin, Ireland Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 55	Aw thanks so much for the kind words I was half afraid that someone would give out to me for not showing my parents enough respect, that I'm in the wrong somehow!! Cali I didn't mention my eldest brother in my post (he wasn't there that night either), but he sounds exactly like the brother you have mentioned - he has had major issues with my parents for years and has serious anger issues and is also a big child. And my youngest brother seems to get on okay with them but like the other brother you mention, he is about to move to Canada (we live in Ireland) and has spent most of his time out of the country travelling. Funny to see similarities in other families, at least I know I'm not mad!! unabashed thanks for the tips I'll certainly check those books out - although I'm not sure what good it would do that this stage, I think we've hit rock bottom as a family and I have my doubts about being able to resolve things - at least not until my parents are willing to have a proper conversation about everything, which I just can't see happening. It's just heartbreaking to have reached this point though - I live with my boyfriend of 4 years (and he has been wonderful this week as I have been bothered by the whole situation) and I just can't helping thinking about what I'd do if he proposed or if we were to have kids. I can't imagine having a wedding without my parents there, and if this doesn't resolve itself I'd probably just go for a small registry office wedding cos the alternative is just too sad - either marry without them or have them there with awkwardness and tension on "the happiest day of my life". And the thought of having kids without them knowing their grandparents is just too hard to even contemplate. But having said all that I can't back down this time, I just can't. So at the moment all I see is a future without my parents in it, which is hard to come to terms with. __________________ "Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile." "You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"

08-22-2008, 07:32 PM	#7
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,639	OMG!!! I hope this doesn't come across as flippant cos that's not my intention... I relate to this all too well... but... LMAO!!! That is SO awesome! I thought MY mother was the only person in the world like that cos... ah.... sorry but... RIDICULOUS! lol We, my sisters, my brother and I, JUST got over an episode similar to this with my mum because she was screaming - SCREAMING - and carrying on about how my sister doesn't love her because when she was in Cali she didn't call my mother back like she said she would. "I loved her before I knew her," she said. "I carried her in my womb..." Yeh, she actually said that. So then she tells us all that she's not talking to us anymore because we took my sister's side over hers. : So ya know what I did? Seemed to work too, for me anyway. I said, "fine." And hung up. Didn't talk to her til she called me back all done with it. Weird thing was, she acted like it never happened. Any of it. It will again tho.... ... and so on goes the cycle.... She's childish and needs to get her way. Stop giving it to her until she can decide whether or not she wants to avoid her family for the rest of her life, or grow up. Best of luck to you, sincerely. -Awdree __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am......

08-22-2008, 03:18 PM	#2
ccali78 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: United States Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 341	Sounds like my ex-boyfriends family. I feel so bad for you. I am speechless. I have no idea what he went through he has not spoken with them in two years. HIs brother is not talking to them now and the parents want nothing to do with them. They talk to the middle brother as he lives about 3000 miles away. It is amazing the damage the parents have done to each child. One is angry all the time and a big child.. My ex cannot communicate and the one that lives far away seems to be ok..

08-22-2008, 03:20 PM	#3
unabashed Online Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 626	I'm sorry you're going through this. One thing I can offer is that I just read a book which helped me understand the issues in my own family. It's an oldie, "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janice Woititz. There isn't alcoholism in my family, but there is dysfunction galore, so a therapist I have seen recommended that one. It was extremely helpful. She also recommended a couple of books about setting boundaries, which sounds like something you and your siblings are struggling with. They are "Boundaries and Relationships" by Charles Whitfield, and "Better Boundaries" by Enns and Black. I just found new and used options for all of these on Amazon. Wishing you all the best.

08-22-2008, 04:07 PM	#5
ccali78 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: United States Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 341	I feel like crying they are the reason we broke up. When they stopped talking to him he fell apart. He knew how tough they were and could not accept him back easily and would need to eat dirt to get back in. He knew they would never accept me again so how could he marry me. He does not have his family. It has led to more heartbreak. I just hope you can live your life and be happy because we could not do it together. Speak freely to your bf as he could not speak to me. We were together 4.5 years and live together and he just moved out. Kind of like his family made his decision on the spur of a moment...

08-22-2008, 05:23 PM	#6
unabashed Online Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 626	I definitely agree that now is not the time to make everything all "better" between you and your parents. The books are really more to give you some insight and understanding into a very difficult situation--a more helpful and healhty way of setting boundaries and feeling OK about that. All the best.