My struggle with life, culture, religion, values and my own country and people

[i_love_chocolate]

It's hard to start from the beginning when there is really no start or an end to this story of my continuous struggle in life. It is probably something not too many people here have lived or experienced in their lives. It is a story of a trapped Arabic man in a land he hates, people he can't open up to, values he doesn't agree with, a religion he doesn't believe in, a dad he loves to death and a family he cares for more than anything in his life.

The story takes place in an Arabic country for which I will leave up to you to guess. I was born a Muslim and raised as one too. Most of my life, I believed that Islam was the way to Heaven and that everyone else in this world was wrong and will live eternally in Hell. I believed that a woman has a certain role and a limited freedom as prescribed in the Islamic teachings of the prophet. Life was good to me. I was happy with the lifestyle and I was living and looked for the day where I get married to a woman from my country and raise my children according to my understanding of how it should be. Things were black or white in my life because I based everything on Islam which tells us what is right from wrong. I was very happy at that time.

Fast forward to year 2000 when I was 18 years old. I left my country for college education and worked in Canada for 2 more years until the end of 2007. During these 7 years, I gradually started forming my own opinions about life. However, I started to dramatically form my opinions 2 years ago when I stopped believing in Islam and religion in general. It was such a strong factor in my life, I realized. It was not an easy thing for me to leave my religion because it was such a great crime (as I was taught) to do so. I kept this a secret from everyone. No one knows about this except my dad and my girlfriend. When I told my dad about leaving Islam, he said "I'm happy for you". I honestly never expected this response but now I think that he doesn't believe in it too but doesn't want to admit it to anyone.

My personal belief and understanding of life, culture, values and religion have affected my life dramatically. These are some examples of the things I go through:

- The woman I am allowed to get married to has to be Muslim, not only that but Arabic, not only that but from my own country. The limitation doesn't stop there, she has to also be from a well known family or forget about it. My mom said to me the other day "If you ever bring me a girl from outside our country, I will not be your mom and you will not be my son".

Being the person I am today, I really see no great chance for me to get along with a woman from my own country. Most of them are ignorant and share no common things with me and totally disagree with my beliefs. Of course, I don't blame them for this. We raise women here since their childhood telling them that they are inferior to men, do not allow them to work with men, do not allow them to drive a car, a bicycle, a motorbike or anything else, tell them that God said that your witness in court is half of a man's, do not allow them to travel outside the country without their father/husband/son permit stamped by the police department, mandate them to cover up in public and expect them to follow our request. When you raise women this way from their childhood, they start believing that they are actually inferior to men and that this is the lifestyle they should live. It's hard for me to find a woman who is well educated and open-minded in this place. As a matter of fact, if I ever tell my future wife that I am not a Muslim, she would request an immediate divorce.

- Today I came to work and found out that the three women who work with us have been fired. Apparently the governemnt labour department found out about them and said that they don't have a permit to work. These women support their families. I also saw a sign on one of the doors that says "only women are allowed through this door". I despise this culture and its treatment to women.

- The religious police does not allow single men to enter some malls and if they caught you inside, they would ask you to leave the mall immediately. Fitting rooms are not allowed because women may go into these rooms. If you need to try on a shirt, you better buy it, take it to the bathroom or home and try it there. The religious police chase women in malls and ask them to cover their faces and not put perfume. I actually taped this on my cell phone and showed it to my foreign friends. They couldn't believe it.

The list goes on and on. You would not believe the stories that happen here if I tell you.

Anyway, I feel like this is not a place for me. I hate the racist and sexist values that we have here and I am supposed to believe in them too. I have to live a fake life telling other people that I am a Muslim, go pray in the mosque and talk about how great God is. I am expected to go to Friday prayer (which I don't go to anymore) and listen to the preacher talk some senseless BS and then listen to him loud and clear from the microphone saying "oh God please kill these Christians, Jews and non-believers. Oh God please make the blood in their vains dry. Oh God please make their children orphans. Oh God give them a hard time" and I am supposed to say "Amen" to that. So disgusting. I am supposed to listen to the preacher say that when a man prays and a dog, a donkey or a woman pass by during their prayer, their prayer is void and they should re-pray. And after all of this, he would take about how equal men and women are.

No, I don't believe in this and I will never believe in it. I hate it when people try to justify these things just because they are "written" somewhere in a book and claimed to be by God almighty!

I currently sponsor two children: a little girl from India and a little boy from Indonesia. I cannot tell people here about this because they will be mad at me for sponsoring a Hindu girl. I purposely chose a Muslim boy on the other hand just in case someone finds out I can say "well I also sponsored a Muslim boy". How pathetic is that.

I feel very depressed now because I feel like I can never find a woman here who I would get along with. I am currrently dating a German girl and she tells me "I cannot understand how you can stay in a place that chocolate. You are so open-minded it's so unfair that you stay there. You have many opportunities. You're smart and well educated and you're putting other peoples' happinness before yours. That is very sad chocolate. I'm sorry".

This story (or whatever you wanna call it) could go on and on. I know that the answer I'm going to get here is "why don't you leave". It's not easy for someone from outside my culture to understand what "leaving" could do because most people in other cultures see this as a normal thing to do. Here it's not. If I ever tell my dad "I'm leaving", he would be very heartbroken and will not forgive me for it. He is very open-minded and he agrees with me on everything, but he would feel like I abandoned him and my family. My mom and dad are currently separated. My mom lives in a small apartment by herself. She is totally dependent on us. She can't drive of course and she can't even visit government buildings to get her passport renewed or anything of that sort because a man is supposed to do this. So basically she is like a little child who is dependent on their parents for survival. My mom is totally dependent on me and my brothers (but both of them are currently away from our city and it would take them a few hours to come here). If I ever decide to do this, my family would never talk to me again until I decide to come back. If I ever decide to get married to a woman outside my country, my family would be so heartbroken and upset. I'm sure people don't understand the extent of damage I could do if I ever decide this. I would bring shame to my family, all of them. My decision would also affect their lives. I would set a "bad" example to my other brothers and sisters for which my parents would not forgive me for.

So basically, my decision is made. I have to live in this place and accept it. It's very hard for me. Sometimes I really feel like disappearing from this life but I'm trying very hard to fight it. I know this is going to be stupid, but I wish I was the ignorant person I was before. I wish I believed that our way was the right way and everything else was wrong. At least I would have been happy here, like all the other ones. I really don't understand how my dad is doing it. He thinks exactly like I do, yet he managed to survive (and be happy) in a place like this. I don't know how to live a fake life and pretend to agree with things here.

This thread is basically just me ranting. I know what kind of answers I will get and I definitely understand how you see it. I just hope that my governement not trace this thread because apostasy's punishment is death in public with a sword

[Caterina]

Its a very interesting post...it sounds like the cultural differences between both places is very heavy for you to carry as one person.
Maybe you can change some of the things you disagree with? Surely there are also good things about the culture over there that you can enjoy to? Sorry, I don't really relate very well b/c I don't have to worry about these things.

Maybe you can send your family money that you earn over there, even if they disapprove of your chosen lifestyle. Maybe over time their approval can be earned because you are supporting them? Its your life to do with what you want: you shouldn't have to feel trapped.

[obsesor]

Wow, very interesting indeed. I do not have any advice other than stay true to yourself as you never know what door might open for you tomorrow. Good luck and keep us updated.

[bertdru]

See, Western culture has corrupted you!!

Seriously, I understand your feelings. I am more or less. I live in a conservative place. I don't think I share any of my beliefs with the women around me. My friends mock me for my beliefs and they are far too narrowminded for me to talk to them.

But then I live in this culture and basically I don't have a choice. Good on you for spornsoring those two kids btw.

And I know how it feels when you get married to a girl from another country. Many people in my family would freak out if a guy married a girl from another caste/religion, so you can imagine how it feels to get married to a person from another country.

Yeah, I don't have a solution either.

[D_Lish]

Its your life to do with what you want: you shouldn't have to feel trapped.

I agree...

I enjoyed reading the post because I have a muslim friend who lives over in the UK and even though he was born here, still very much lives by the ways, culture of his native homeland. He is Arabic, his native homeland I'm guessing is same as yours....only he has never experienced life over there, which I guess is very different..

He has told me things about Islam, beliefs and such, that I find are kinda disturbing...that he views as normal thinking and behaviours..

He was also forced into an arranged marriage and even though he lives in the UK.

Other stuff he has told me....well it's like he can't make his own decisions and choices, his parents control him and make them for him. Often feel sorry for him..

I think we have one life and we should be able to live it as we choose to live it....not have other people dictate it for us.

[bijoux27]

I share some sentiments with you, my story is similar but not quite the same. All I want to say is that, don't mistake cultural values masked as religious ones to BE a real part of the religion. I don't want to get my post deleted for speaking about religion, but in regards to your post about women not having freedom in Islam, that is utterly untrue, you should look at what Islam was in the Prophets (peace be upon him) day, where his first wife was a very well-known businesswoman, and a model for other Muslim women. He never disagreed with having women do things like that. Countries nowadays which are Islamic states are hardly following the real religion. There are other points which you mentioned that can be refuted as well, but you can find those out in other religious boards.

As for being in a culture you don't fit in with, I very much understand your situation there. It's a part of growing up and we have to make our place in society.

[i_love_chocolate]

Originally Posted by bijoux27

I share some sentiments with you, my story is similar but not quite the same. All I want to say is that, don't mistake cultural values masked as religious ones to BE a real part of the religion. I don't want to get my post deleted for speaking about religion, but in regards to your post about women not having freedom in Islam, that is utterly untrue, you should look at what Islam was in the Prophets (peace be upon him) day, where his first wife was a very well-known businesswoman, and a model for other Muslim women. He never disagreed with having women do things like that. Countries nowadays which are Islamic states are hardly following the real religion. There are other points which you mentioned that can be refuted as well, but you can find those out in other religious boards.

As for being in a culture you don't fit in with, I very much understand your situation there. It's a part of growing up and we have to make our place in society.

Of course. I know that many of these things have nothing to do with religion. People here use religion as an excuse to execute their plans.

[Red Fox]

An interesting read and perhaps difficult to understand fully without experiencing it first hand. It's hard for me to get a hold of the idea of a government and peer pressure trying to control where and how I should live and who I can marry. Therefore it's difficult to provide anything constructive.

If you have decided to stay can you try and do things more your way? Obviously I don't know what you could or couldn't do exactly, but things like attending mosques and organisations and things that although following the rules do not encourage the negative things you have talked about, might be possible? Choosing shops and employers that align more to your views, and look for people that feel as far as possible in a similar way as you. This might be hard and you may have to be very careful, but it seems there could be others that could think in a similar way to you. I don't mean making yourself stand out or be a target but small, small things slowly.

[McLovin oo7]

Very interesting post.

I understand you totally since I spent one third of my life in that part of world. Talking about religion is waste of time for me as I truly believe that all religions are man made. I believe in God and I believe in way of life. Religion is like a business, run on greed.

Bottom-line is it is your life, you should not waste it there. Family understands and I am sure your family will also understand.

We got only one life to live, don’t waste it in the name of religion.

Too bad this forum does not let us talk about religion.

[under_my_amberella]

You need to find people who think like you. I have a friend who works in your country and lives in a neighboring country, where he is able to live free and meet other people like him. There are many people in your country who think like you do - they just can't openly say so. Find ways to seek them out.

I wish you all the best.