disabled girl

[Rjs]

Hi there, I'm 19 and go to university. There is a girl in a wheel chair who i see around campus every now and then. Shes quite pretty, and probably out of my league. I'm afraid if i approach her or hit on her she'll be offended, as i'm sure other guys hit on her thinking shes an easy catch because she's chair bound. I dont want her thinking i'm one of those guys, but is there anyway to avoid that? Im super shy so it takes a lot for me to approach a girl, and the fact that shes in a wheelchair will make me even more nervous, as ill be trying my best not to offend. Im sure if i was super handsome it would be fine, but the fact that im not means that she might label me as that creepy guy. (If a random handsome man approaches a girl, its sweet, if hes unnattractive, its creepy).

Are there any disabled women here that can give me some advice? Is it best to steer clear of talking about her disability?

Thank you.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

It doesn't matter whether you are able bodied or not - all women just want to be treated "normally" ie, with respect.

Simply approach her, say hello, smile and just be yourself. The fact that she is in a wheelchair chould have no affect, neither should the fact that she is really pretty.

A good opening line is "Hi, I've seen you around campus. My name is ........ what's yours?"

Good Luck.

[tiredofvampires]

First of all, what makes a man "creepy" is HOW he approaches her, not his looks per se. I've had some very average-looking men approach me in a friendly way and I felt flattered, complimented and gratified because they were unassuming and polite, with good eye contact and genuineness. A good looking guy who's slick, now that's creepy.

I am a disabled woman, though mine is a "hidden" disability -- i.e., you can't tell from looking at me that I have a neuromuscular/chronic pain condition. So maybe I can give you a little perspective.

I think you are showing a lot of sensitivity about this situation, even though you say you're shy. And this is a real point on your "tally" already! I'm not sure why you'd say she's "out of your league" -- you seem like an intelligent, astute, aware and sweet guy. Being shy is just a matter of not seeing your own attractiveness the way others might. So before you even approach her, tell yourself that you and she are equals, in every way and that you don't have to prove anything. Just as she doesn't.

Are there ways for you to interact in close contact with her? Do you have any classes with her, or ever wind up in close proximity? Because if that can be accomplished, making small talk from there is much easier than making an obvious beeline across the parking lot to "catch" her and start up a conversation out of the clear blue.

I would say, start this conversation as you would with anyone else you found yourself standing next to and wanted to engage -- say, "I've seen you around a bit..." and then try to make a reference to something in your immediate environment, just to start the ball rolling casually. I would keep the topics pretty general, like what she's studying, what you are, something about a current assignment or an event that's well-publicized at school. After some time of chatting, I like it when a guy tells me his name -- "I'm Pete, by the way." A formal handshake can feel a bit much, so I'd keep it really laid back sounding.

I guess what I'm coming around to say is that if you can get a first conversation rolling just like any of the "humps" that are overcome in the initial introduction stage, and you generate enough interest to exchange contact info, you've done well!

I would not introduce the disability at all during that first conversation. But if you get a date with her to meet up and continue the rap session (be very casual about all this, I repeat -- that takes out even more of the "creep" factor, to just say lightheartedly, "Maybe be can hang out sometime"), I would, during that next meeting some time, bring up the disability. Just get it out of the way. The sooner you do that, the less it feels like the elephant in the livingroom no one wants to talk about. You don't want to give the impression that you are scooting around the issue any more than you want to just lunge right in, as though it were a novelty.

Just play it cool and easy and ask straightforwardly, "By the way, if you don't mind my asking, what's the nature of your disability?" Just being natural and direct about it. Like you are interested, but it's not driving the whole conversation. You can bring it up when there's been a bit of fun banter first for a while, where you've got a good rapport going, so that when there's a lull, it just feels non threatening for you to bring up.

From there, when she tells you, ask a few questions about it that reflect a concerned interest. The reason I say this is because you want not to just avert your eyes from the matter, and you will demonstrate your comfortability with the whole topic. Don't belabor it too long, but do ask a few such questions. For example, if she tells you the name of the diagnosis, you can say, "Oh, I'm familiar with that one [if that's true]. When did you find out you had it?" Just broad, general informational stuff like that. A lot depends on how she reacts. If she seems eager to talk about it, and very open and self-assured, you can ask a bit more before switching topics. If she seems a little hesitant, err on the side of just acknowledging what she's told you and move on with the conversation.

You'll learn more over time, but that's the basic outline -- get it out in the open after your initial contact with her and some talking about other things as warm-up material.

Good luck. I wish there were more guys like you.

[tiredofvampires]

Ha, I was busy typing my post while the poster before me posted. We said almost the exact same thing.

[under_my_amberella]

How about not hitting on her? How about just talking to her, the same way you would talk to anyone else?

[lostandhurt]

My son is disabled and I have wondered many times how women will treat him once he grows up (he is 8yrs old). He has a magnetic way about him that draws people to him like you wouldn't believe but I still worry. My son is very open about his CP with others and has no problem telling others why he needs help walking.
Be yourself and considerate. When talking to her don't stand over her or with your back to the sun and DON'T try and help her do something unless asked. Opening doors and stuff like that which you would normally do for any girl are fine. I would ask you this though: If she wasn't in the chair would you be considering asking her out? By that I mean if she is that pretty and able bodied would you normally even try. Your true intentions are very important and if not true she will see right through you.

lost

[ghost69]

do it as you would some other girl. that's how she wants to be treated.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Originally Posted by lostandhurt

My son is disabled and I have wondered many times how women will treat him once he grows up (he is 8yrs old). He has a magnetic way about him that draws people to him like you wouldn't believe but I still worry. My son is very open about his CP with others and has no problem telling others why he needs help walking.
Be yourself and considerate. When talking to her don't stand over her or with your back to the sun and DON'T try and help her do something unless asked. Opening doors and stuff like that which you would normally do for any girl are fine. I would ask you this though: If she wasn't in the chair would you be considering asking her out? By that I mean if she is that pretty and able bodied would you normally even try. Your true intentions are very important and if not true she will see right through you.

lost

I agree with this. Pay heed to these words. Have confidence in yourself and don't think of her as more likely to accept your offer because she happens to be in a wheelchair.

Treat her like any other girl.

[Rjs]

Originally Posted by tiredofvampires

First of all, what makes a man "creepy" is HOW he approaches her, not his looks per se. I've had some very average-looking men approach me in a friendly way and I felt flattered, complimented and gratified because they were unassuming and polite, with good eye contact and genuineness. A good looking guy who's slick, now that's creepy.

I am a disabled woman, though mine is a "hidden" disability -- i.e., you can't tell from looking at me that I have a neuromuscular/chronic pain condition. So maybe I can give you a little perspective.

I think you are showing a lot of sensitivity about this situation, even though you say you're shy. And this is a real point on your "tally" already! I'm not sure why you'd say she's "out of your league" -- you seem like an intelligent, astute, aware and sweet guy. Being shy is just a matter of not seeing your own attractiveness the way others might. So before you even approach her, tell yourself that you and she are equals, in every way and that you don't have to prove anything. Just as she doesn't.

Are there ways for you to interact in close contact with her? Do you have any classes with her, or ever wind up in close proximity? Because if that can be accomplished, making small talk from there is much easier than making an obvious beeline across the parking lot to "catch" her and start up a conversation out of the clear blue.

I would say, start this conversation as you would with anyone else you found yourself standing next to and wanted to engage -- say, "I've seen you around a bit..." and then try to make a reference to something in your immediate environment, just to start the ball rolling casually. I would keep the topics pretty general, like what she's studying, what you are, something about a current assignment or an event that's well-publicized at school. After some time of chatting, I like it when a guy tells me his name -- "I'm Pete, by the way." A formal handshake can feel a bit much, so I'd keep it really laid back sounding.

I guess what I'm coming around to say is that if you can get a first conversation rolling just like any of the "humps" that are overcome in the initial introduction stage, and you generate enough interest to exchange contact info, you've done well!

I would not introduce the disability at all during that first conversation. But if you get a date with her to meet up and continue the rap session (be very casual about all this, I repeat -- that takes out even more of the "creep" factor, to just say lightheartedly, "Maybe be can hang out sometime"), I would, during that next meeting some time, bring up the disability. Just get it out of the way. The sooner you do that, the less it feels like the elephant in the livingroom no one wants to talk about. You don't want to give the impression that you are scooting around the issue any more than you want to just lunge right in, as though it were a novelty.

Just play it cool and easy and ask straightforwardly, "By the way, if you don't mind my asking, what's the nature of your disability?" Just being natural and direct about it. Like you are interested, but it's not driving the whole conversation. You can bring it up when there's been a bit of fun banter first for a while, where you've got a good rapport going, so that when there's a lull, it just feels non threatening for you to bring up.

From there, when she tells you, ask a few questions about it that reflect a concerned interest. The reason I say this is because you want not to just avert your eyes from the matter, and you will demonstrate your comfortability with the whole topic. Don't belabor it too long, but do ask a few such questions. For example, if she tells you the name of the diagnosis, you can say, "Oh, I'm familiar with that one [if that's true]. When did you find out you had it?" Just broad, general informational stuff like that. A lot depends on how she reacts. If she seems eager to talk about it, and very open and self-assured, you can ask a bit more before switching topics. If she seems a little hesitant, err on the side of just acknowledging what she's told you and move on with the conversation.

You'll learn more over time, but that's the basic outline -- get it out in the open after your initial contact with her and some talking about other things as warm-up material.

Good luck. I wish there were more guys like you.

Thanks very much, I'm not in any classes with her, but i'll find a way. Thanks for the advice.

Originally Posted by lostandhurt

My son is disabled and I have wondered many times how women will treat him once he grows up (he is 8yrs old). He has a magnetic way about him that draws people to him like you wouldn't believe but I still worry. My son is very open about his CP with others and has no problem telling others why he needs help walking.
Be yourself and considerate. When talking to her don't stand over her or with your back to the sun and DON'T try and help her do something unless asked. Opening doors and stuff like that which you would normally do for any girl are fine. I would ask you this though: If she wasn't in the chair would you be considering asking her out? By that I mean if she is that pretty and able bodied would you normally even try. Your true intentions are very important and if not true she will see right through you.

lost

I don't believe my chances are greater because shes in a wheelchair. I believe that she will most likely be sick of guys going after her thinking shes an easy catch, and hence i feel my chances are smaller. I just dont want her to assume im one of them. If she wasnt in a wheelchair i would have talked to her already, but because she is, i just want to be careful and not mess it up by offending her. But now i think i have definitely over analyzed it all, i'll keep it simple.

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated.

[PixelPusher]

Or maybe she hasn't had ANY guys come after her because they judge her for her "wheels" regardless of how pretty she is. She might be very welcoming to a conversation. Just do as others say and don't treat her any differently than you would an able-bodied woman.

good luck...